


Tongue Tied

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-12
Updated: 2008-06-19
Packaged: 2019-01-19 12:06:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 88,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12410013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Calliope DeSole is not your average Remus Lupin fan girl. She doesn't giggle or smile at him when he walks by, she ducks around a corner. In fact, it's a difficult task getting her to talk to anyone. What's a voluntary mute to do when repeatedly shoved into situations with her secret crush? (nominated in the Hourglass Awards)   ...





	1. Anatomy of a Hufflepuff

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

 

Chapter One

Anatomy of a Hufflepuff

 

My name is Calliope DeSole and I am a Hufflepuff. I know what you think of Hufflepuffs, all Hufflepuffs know what you think of Hufflepuffs. That we are the leftovers. That because we are not Ambitious we are lazy, because we are not Clever we are dumb, and because we are not Brave we are cowardly. Loyal, you say. Hufflepuffs are Loyal, with a capital L, as if that makes up for it. But when you say Loyal what you really mean is lazy, dumb and cowardly.

Do you want to know what the Sorting Hat said to me as I sat, terrified and stunned by the looks of the students staring at me? It said, “ _You’re a toss up. Where would you_ like _to go?”_ Ridiculous system if you ask me, who’s to say what trait defines us at age eleven? And why should it be a hat? I looked around the room at the different tables. At Ravenclaw I saw boredom; what did they care if a runt like me joined their prestigious ranks? At Slytherin I saw cruelty, they were just waiting to haze to the first years, I could tell already. And at Gryffindor I saw a crowd of proud, pompous teenagers who thought too much of themselves. And I knew already that I thought too little of myself. But at the last table I saw a sort of awkward hospitality, a genialness that comes only from being outcasts together.

_A Hufflepuff,_ I told the hat _. I will be a Hufflepuff._

Loyalty has very little to do with being a Hufflepuff. Acceptance, patience, and a sort of pleasant knowledge that our houses won’t matter once we graduate are the things we have in common. That our unspoken exile will end in time and we will come out without scars or false opinions of ourselves. Without having driven ourselves to madness with studying, without resigning our lives to acts of good or acts of evil. We will not be Ambitious or Brave or Clever because those things are all too large for someone of eleven or seventeen. We will simply be exactly who we were when we stepped up to the Sorting Hat and accepted our fate of Simplicity.

Hufflepuffs are Simple. And I mean that in the most complex way possible.

I am Calliope and I am a simple person. Well, I _aspire_ to be a simple person. Teenage hormones make simplicity rather difficult. I am good at Astronomy and Potions because I have a methodical brain, the Ravenclaw in me I suppose. I enjoy Fall and Spring most out of the seasons because they are the most colorful. My father works in the Muggle Studies department of the Ministry so our home is an odd assortment of Muggle contraptions, like record players, and wizarding tricks, like a piano enchanted to play on it’s own. My mother is pureblooded and my father is…close, but we would fall under the category of “blood traitors”. My parents are incredibly gentle people despite having come from Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, and they are probably the wizarding equivalent of Hippies. I am in love with Remus Lupin.

Of course, he has no idea. Lots of girls are in love with Remus Lupin, because that’s all you can be. You either haven’t noticed him yet, are in love with one of the other Marauders, or Remus Lupin is the end all and be all for you. Or at least I would assume so. I haven’t actually ever talked to anyone else in love with him. But I keep these things buried up inside of me, as I’m sure any other girl desperately in love with Remus Lupin would. I say his full name because we’ve never actually talked, and I would feel a little presumptuous just calling him Remus. I think we’ve actually never even had any eye contact. He’s usually reading or paying attention to his friends. And I usually…duck around a corner if he gets too close.

I have no false hopes of us falling madly in love with each other. I’ve always assumed that if you are harboring deep love for someone you’ve never talked to, nothing will ever come of it. I’ve watched him go through the occasional girlfriend, even Lily Evans briefly. I’ve never understood the fuss over Lily Evans, she might be pretty but she spends most of her time a deep burgundy color yelling at James Potter, and it clashes horribly with her orangey hair. It’s sure to only be worse this year, word on the train is that they made Head Boy and Girl. Everyone had assumed that Remus Lupin would be Head Boy. Perhaps even Dumbledore thought it was high time to force Lily Evans to fall in love with Potter.

The least simple thing about me is my auto-immune disease, I have lupus. It’s a small case and seventy-five percent of the time I feel fine, but about once a month I’ll be more than usually tired, achy and feverish. Not that it runs like clockwork. Sometimes I’m fine after a few days, other times I’m weak for a month at a time. When I was a child, my friends all knew about the disease when it developed and our relationship changed slightly. They treated me as something broken or very near breaking. When I started at Hogwarts I kept the lupus secret. Professor Dumbledore, my Head of House Professor Greene and Madame Pomfrey, the new nurse, know and are prepared for any emergency, but I’ve never been worried. I’ve never wanted to be seen as someone fragile, Madame Pomfrey likes to treat me as such but Dumbledore and Greene have never addressed my illness and I’ve always appreciated that. If my dorm mates and friend Anna Wilkins have ever noted that I take potions regularly, they’ve never mentioned it as of yet.

It’s September 1st and I’m sitting in an empty compartment on the Hogwarts express with my cat Mephistopheles, named after the Devil in the play Faust. However, Anna and I call him Philly or Philthy more often than his full name. He’s a mutt of a cat, almost black with faint orange stripes and few patches of white. Philly and I get along better than even Anna and I, but our relationship is based on more than the fact that we’re both terrible conversationalists.

I look up to the door, waiting for Anna’s mousy blonde hair to appear when Sirius Black swings open the door to my compartment. I jump in my seat, upsetting Mephistopheles and Black looks at me with an unreadable expression.

“Is it just you in here?” he barks.

I look over his shoulder to see the other Marauders standing impatiently. They are always late and always have a difficult time finding a compartment to sit in together. I look at Remus Lupin who is staring down the hallway, I could abandon Anna and let them sit with me if I wanted. I know all I would do is sit quietly by the window and avoid making any eye contact. Remus Lupin turns his head and I direct my eyes down before he might notice me staring.

“I’m waiting for a friend,” I say quietly.

Sirius huffed, “Very well, we’ll be back if we can’t find another spot, though.”

They kept moving down the hall and I made a secret prayer that there would be an alarming increase in enrollment leaving no empty compartments. I waited patiently in my seat for the appearance of Anna but she never came. I wondered if she hadn’t wanted to search the train for me and simply sat down with other Hufflepuffs. If the Marauders came back, how would I explain having turned them away. It was another twenty minutes till I felt reassured that the Marauders had found an empty compartment, and Anna had sat with others and I would be able to enjoy the train ride in solitude.

The door to the compartment swung open again, it was Peter Pettigrew.

“You’re friend not show up?”

He was awkward, which made it easier to talk to him. Not as awkward as me but a good amount less confident than his friends.

“I think she must have given up looking for me. I’ll leave and you four can have the compartment.”

“No, don’t worry. We’ll just sit with you,” Peter offered. He looked down the hall and waved to his friends. “All the other compartments already have at least four people. Alarming increase in enrollment this year, it seems.”

I mentally smacked myself. No more prayers for you Calliope! I wasn’t sure I would be able to stand the agony of an entire train ride within reaching distance of Remus Lupin.

“Alright,” I said quietly. I was fairly sure Peter hadn’t heard me because he was already putting his trunks in the overhead compartment. I couldn’t very well say ‘Actually I’d rather like to have this to myself, if you don’t mind’ if the train was completely packed. 

Peter sat down across from me by the window and I quickly shoved myself against the window wall before James and Sirius sat on either side of me. That left Remus Lupin in the farthest possible corner from me.

“So…” Sirius leaned forward in his seat and craned his neck around the read the name on my trunks. He sounded my name out slowly, “Kaal-ee-oh-pee DeSole?”

I winced at the mispronunciation, despite years of having my name been obscured to such a vile sound it still hurt to hear.

“It’s Kuh-lie-oh-pee, actually,” I told him quietly but I wasn’t entirely sure he heard me. Calliope. Kind of like Kaleidoscope, except a name.

“I’m Sirius Black! This is James Potter, Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin. We’re seventh year Gyffindors.”

I wondered if he really thought the introduction was necessary or if he simply liked to remind me that they were the most popular people of our year.

“How nice to meet you,” I said, and nodded my head to them.

“What year are you?” James asked.

I blushed, I had been in classes of theirs, I had gotten dumped into the lake with them on our first day of Hogwarts _ever_. The Potters were good friends of my parents. And yet they had no idea.

“I’m a seventh year.”

James didn’t even stop to look embarrassed, “Oh, I don’t recognize you. What’s you’re House?”

“Hufflepuff.”

“Ohhh,” said James and Sirius in unison. That was all they needed, I knew. Of course we don’t know her, they must be thinking, she’s a measly Hufflepuff.

I turned back to the window and Mephistopheles crawled onto my shoulders. I could feel them staring at me. I stayed still and silent till they picked up their own conversations. James left after a short time to go find Lily in the Heads compartment and the others carried on with their jokes. I closed my eyes and listened to the low dry tone of Remus Lupin.

Most girls that are infatuated with the Marauders like to tell you that they’ve been in love with them since first year. They’re probably lying. I remember the Marauders from our first day, Sirius Black was snobby and pinched, Remus Lupin was pale and scrawny, James Potter was awkward and geeky and Peter Pettigrew was a roly-poly wonder. It wasn’t till fifth year when Black, Remus Lupin and Potter outgrew their awkward faze before any other boys in our year. That was what had distinguished them at first. I fell in love with Remus Lupin the year before, while he was still slightly gangly and prone to cracks in his voice. He was still only sociable to his friends and shied away from attention from anyone else. I don’t remember the reason why I fell in love, perhaps it was something he said in class because I’m certain we’ve never actually spoken.

Fifth year Remus Lupin fit into his own body, he could carry a conversation with a girl, he could hex a Slytherin and was a Prefect. Perhaps if he had remained taciturn and shy, still gangly, I might have had the courage to talk to him. But there were whispers in girls dormitories already about him, that he was the tame Marauder, the soft pale one. Loud, out-going, _experienced_ girls called him ‘cute’. They said that he looked in need of someone to take care of him, to ‘nurture’ him. They said these things in threatening tones. I stepped back into myself, I stayed out of his way. Clearly, he was bound for much greater things, much greater people, than I would ever experience.

Someone shook me awake. I sat up and opened my eyes to find myself staring directly into the pale green eyes of Remus Lupin. His coloring was even more wane than I remember it being from the year before. But it didn’t give him a sickly look, simply a sort of ethereal quality, as if he wasn’t entirely on earth. He had Clever eyes, I noticed, but nicer than a Ravenclaw’s.

“We’re close to the castle. Sirius and Peter just went to change into their robes. I thought we ought to wake you.” Remus Lupin had a wonderful voice, it was straightforward and soft. Black and Potter both had these loud drawling tones, as if they thought their voices were meant for public speaking. 

“Thank you,” I said, but it came out as a whisper.

 

 

_AN: Am I allowed to have authors notes on this site? I have no idea! Just wanted to say Hi. This story was nominated for the Hourglass Awards this year, and before that I had never heard of UR.org. Since the story is already completed I'll be posting a chapter at least once a day. Thanks for reading, and drop me a note. I'm very friendly._


	2. The Process of Loss

 

Chapter Two

The Process of Loss

 

I had managed to avoid taking a carriage into the castle with the Marauders. I know I sound ridiculous, I mean, I’m in love with Remus Lupin, I should be dying to sit next to him. But the remainder of the train ride after he woke me was unadulterated agony. I was practically drowning in that soft green color of his eyes. Sage. Sage green eyes. The boys had tried to hold a conversation with me and all I could do was respond with non-verbal gestures while staring determinedly out the window. They were probably howling over the awkwardness of the ride right now at their table. 

I craned my neck slightly to see Potter, Black and Pettigrew sniggering over their dinners. Me, they’re laughing at me. Remus Lupin was craning his neck and looking at…the Hufflepuff table! He was slowly scanning the table. I ducked. Where was Anna? I needed someone to talk to or to at least look as though I belonged to. In my position now it was pretty obvious that I was just as alone as I had been on the train. I was also worried about my friend. What had happened to her? There had been absolutely no sign of her all day. I had gone shopping for school supplies only days ago. Everything had seemed perfectly fine. 

I kept to myself watching my classmates stuff themselves to the brink, pushing my food around aimlessly. I’ve never really liked House elf food, there’s something ever so slightly artificial about it. My parents and I cook dinner together, listening to the Rolling Stones or The Fizzing Whizbees. We grow things in our greenhouse. They also raised me a vegetarian so I could never eat much of the food served at Hogwarts. My reason for not eating wasn’t something dramatic like a body complex, or anything. I like food, I just don’t think House Elves are best at it.

“Um…Calliope? Calliope DeSole?” Someone tapped my shoulder and I swung around, accidentally smacking them with my hair. I was too embarrassed to apologize to her, Lily Evans, The Gryffindor Princess and Head Girl.

“Professor Dumbledore needs to speak to you,” she said softly. She looked like she was waiting for me to burst into tears.

“It’s about your friend Anna Wilkins,” she added.

“Now?”

Lily Evans nodded and I stood, abandoning my housemates and pecked salad. I moved quickly up to the Staff table, feeling every eye in the Great Hall boring painfully into my back. Professor Dumbledore gestured for me to move around the table, and stood from his seat. I met him in the very center of the back of the room, standing in front of the massive windows. I curtsied awkwardly, not entirely sure of the protocol on speaking to the Headmaster. I had never done so before, my parents had been the ones to talk to him about my sickness.

“I’m afraid Miss DeSole, that I have just been informed of some terrible news, regarding your classmate and friend Anna Wilkins. I thought that you should be told before it was announced generally to the students.”

I felt my insides shaking, my knees, my ankles. My heart had stopped beating. _Terrible news._ I would break.

“Miss Wilkins and her family were attacked by a hound of Death Eaters the evening previous. Her parents are currently seeking care in St. Mungo’s.”

‘Is Anna alright? Will she be back soon?,’ I wanted to say.

“Anna,” was all that I could choke out.

“Anna was killed, Miss DeSole. It is a horrible tragedy.” Professor Dumbledore set his large hand down on my shoulder.

I will break from the weight. The weight of that heavy hand on my shoulder. The weight of Anna. _Horrible tragedy._ No. No it is simply sad. Why do they give us such long words for pain? Pain, Sadness. They’re complex enough without giving them more syllables. The longer the word, the more you hurt. 

I am sad.

“I am sad,” I whisper. But the Professor did not hear me. I am glad.

“You will of course be excused from your classes for an appropriate amount of time. If you wish it, travel arrangements will be made so that you are able to attend the funeral.”

_Appropriate amount of time._ What is the time limit on grief?

“…Time. I need…” Come on Calliope! You can do it, just one full sentence and then you can leave. “I need some time…to think.”

“Of course, Miss DeSole. Please, feel free to come see me if you need anything at all.”

I moved away, stepping backwards a few steps, as if I was afraid to turn. I would look out and see my classmates, and Anna would not be there. She would never be there. I was utterly alone. I turned, to look. With one aerial sweep of my eyes I knew, there was no one.

Professor Dumbledore, I need a new best friend.

Have I mentioned that I’m a good runner? I’m terrific at it, a rather simple process. One foot after the other, the faster the better. As I look out over the great hall I realize that I had trapped myself into a single friendship and am now left a single identity instead of a pair. I se a few students looking back curiously at me, and the oddly perfect Lily Evans still waiting for me to burst into tears. 

I run.

I move in a backwards sort of fashion through the castle, moving up into the highest point I find my way to the Astronomy Tower. I breach the barrier of the door and stumble into the fresh air, gasping for breath. The weight of the Professor’s hand is off my shoulder, the weight of the castle. I can breathe again, I will not break. Not yet, at least. I lay down on the tiling, pressing my cheek against the cool ceramic. I slow my breathing and direct my thoughts away from the news and the train ride and the implications of losing Anna. I focus on the sounds around me, soft nighttime sounds, like crickets and a light rippling noise from the lake. I hear a bat squeak. I close my eyes and the noises take me back home to my bedroom in the summertime with the window open and my perpetually cool cotton sheets.

I carefully stand up after a time and make my way slowly back down into the pit of the castle. I take my time, staircase by staircase, careful not to let the crushing feeling of solitude bear down on me again. I make a little small talk with the portraits, provided the halls are completely silent. Eventually I stand in front of the pleasant garden knome portrait, the enterance to the Hufflepuff Common Room. And now I realize I do not know the password. I ran off without knowing the password. I am locked out of my dormitory unless a wandering Hufflepuff happens by.

“Calliope!”

Oh god, not her. Not her again. Not that look, please. I won’t cry, I won’t cry, I won’t cry. I turn to see Lily Evans barreling down the hall with that unfortunate red color staining her cheeks. A winded James Potter follows behind her.

“We’ve been looking all over for you,” James gasps.

“I’m fine,” I say shortly, a little louder than I had intended.

“We have your password.” She makes the simple thing sound as though she’s handing over Anna’s last words. She puts her hand on my arm. Why do everyone’s hands weigh so much? Why are they pushing down on me with such strength?

“Beggar’s Buttons,” James says. I have never been more thankful for a lack of sympathy than I am for James Potter’s indifference to my loss.

“Thank you.”

“Are you going to the funeral?” Lily blurts to me.

“Who died?!” James shouts.

Oh. It wasn’t indifference, just ignorance. Well I can be thankful for that as well.

“Don’t you listen to anything Potter? Calliope’s friend, Anna, _died_!” Lily rants. James drops his mouth and looks to me in horror.

_Too much,_ I decide. I step into my dormitory and slam shut the portrait door. I’ve had too much for one night. Too many surprises, too many changes, too many unusual things that don’t belong in my simple existence. I ignore the sad looks from my housemates and make my way into my bed. My other dormmates see me come into the room and instantly end their conversation of Anna’s wonderful qualities as a dorm mate. She had been friend. What right do they have to commiserate over the loss of her? 

But how close had we really been? 

No. I shake off my worries. We were close. We just didn’t talk very much. That was the beauty to our friendship. That we were both so satisfied to have found someone who didn’t want to talk more than necessary. We could read together, work together, eat together, walk together. We _chose_ to do it in silence. People probably thought we were dim, but we were just simple. I never doubted that Anna was as full of thoughts as I was, but I also never needed to know what they were.

__

She’s gone.

__

She’s gone and suddenly I want more than anything to have a long wordy conversation with her. I want to tell her every last excruciating detail of the train ride. I want to tell her how much she meant to me, how nice it was to have a friend who I could share silence with. I want to know what she thought of the biography we read together about Grindelwald. I want to know all her reasons for wanting to be a medi-witch. I want to break our silence. And I cannot. I cannot even break my own silence now to cry, to sniffle, to wail and sob and beat at my pillows. I can only lay on my bed and be thankful that I can turn and face a wall instead of a group of girls who think they know why it is I hurt.

I can only be silent.

***

My parents picked me up in Dumbledore’s office today. The first day of classes. My silence has gotten worse and despite all the words I had listed in my head to say to my family, none would force their way past my lips. Anna’s parents are still in St. Mungo’s, they are not conscious. No one here knows me, although some know my father from the Ministry. What they do know is that I am the only student from Hogwarts in attendance. The sun is shining. Isn’t it supposed to rain for funerals? My parents stand behind me frowning, not just because they are sad but because they disapprove of funerals. They do not believe in saying final goodbyes, and they do not believe in putting people in boxes in the ground.

I look at the casket hovering patiently over the grave. Anna’s in a box. _Anna’s in a box._ I shiver. 

__

Anna’s in a box.

__

I suddenly understand my parents disapproval in funerals and boxes. I stay in the back and they stand behind me. I watch as people stand and say their goodbyes. No one here knows me, but no one here knows Anna either. I wish that I could move. I wish that I could speak. But what would I say? What would suffice? My parents hands are on my shoulders, I could not move if I wanted to, my feet are sinking ankle deep into the ground. The weight of my parents hands are the heaviest, and the weight of Anna. 

__

Anna’s in a box.

__

I cannot speak for Anna. I cannot explain our awkward friendship to these strangers. Even if I did feel willing to speak, I would not be able to. I cannot break this silence. 

***

School again. Speaking is harder than ever. Haven’t been to class yet.

Where is Anna?

__

Anna’s in a box.

__

Oh no. Someone’s talking to me. Can’t they see? 

I’m Calliope the Mute.

 

 

 

_AN: Enjoy and review! More soon._


	3. Harmony With Melody

 

Chapter Three

In Harmony with Melody

“Are you hungry? Because I’m starving and I noticed that we both skipped dinner.”

I stare dumbly at the girl willing the motors in my mouth to work. My jaw loosens then drops. Good, Calliope. Now make a noise. Any will do. But the girl keeps going.

“I know dinner’s over but I dated Sirius Black for about a week last year, you know how he is…”

I do?

“Anyways, he taught me how to sneak into the kitchens, so I thought I might as well take advantage of the knowledge. Come on, let’s go.”

She takes my hand and pulls me off my bed. Melody Chandler is an angel of mercy, I decide. She does not expect me to talk. She expects me to listen. Perfect.

“I was really sorry to hear about your friend. I mean, I never really talked to either of you, but you both seemed so nice. It’s sad.”

Yes! It’s sad. Not a ‘horrible tragedy’. I remember what I had heard people say about my dorm mate Melody, that she was ‘rather simple’. Perfect.

“Have you eaten yet today?” Melody gives me a motherly look. I know how to respond, I shake my head. Anna was motherly too.

“I thought not. My grandpa died last year and I couldn’t eat for awhile either. It’s not a conscious refusal of food, just a sort of…unexplainable lack of appetite.”

I nod. She smiles. A little weight lifts off of me. I never knew that it was okay to be silent around someone who talks.

“Well, the elves will make anything you want, cookies are pretty popular. Does that sound good?”

I shrug.

“You’re probably hungry enough to eat a horse.”

“I’m a vegetarian.” Oh Merlin! I talked! 

“Oh…then…a very large carrot?”

I smile, just a little. It feels so foreign. I don’t think of myself as an unhappy person. I smile a lot when I watch my parents, running and dancing around the house. They’re a lot like Melody. They talk so that I can listen, not to make me respond.

“I have a little sister who doesn’t like to talk,” Melody remarks. “I know what people think of her, that she’s dumb. But she’s really not, she’s incredibly smart. She just doesn’t like to talk.”

That’s me. I sigh in relief, although not audibly.

“She sounds like me.” I force myself to give Melody a response. She deserves it, she’s being so kind.

She gives me a huge smile and we stop in front of a large painting of a fruit bowl. Melody moves and tickles a pear and the painting swings forward. Melody and I both stop short before entering. There stand the Marauders ordering about a few house elves. I shake my head at Melody, and she smiles.

“Be brave. We’ll be quick.”

I take a deep breath and we enter just as the Marauders notice us.

“Melody, love! To what do we owe the pleasure?” Sirius asks. He holds his arms open wide. The other Marauders stare at me strangely and I look away before meeting Remus Lupin’s eye.

“We were hungry.”

“Who’s your lovely friend?” Sirius asks and I blush. Not because he complimented me, although I’m sure that’s what he thinks. He has forgotten me already.

Remus Lupin elbows Sirius sharply in the ribs, “We sat with her on the train!”

At least _he_ remembers.

“Ohh, right. Kellie, isn’t it?”

“Calliope,” Melody, Remus Lupin and I all say at the same time.

A house elf comes over and squeaks, “What may I serve you misses?”

“I’ll have a chocolate chip cookie and she’ll have a nice big salad, no meat.”

I love Melody, already.

“Dieting?” Sirius asks me knowingly.

“She’s a vegetarian, Sirius. Boy you’re daft.” I love Melody even more.

“You don’t talk anymore?” Peter asks me suddenly.

I blink. Melody blushes and looks irritated. Even Sirius manages to look a little embarrassed by his friend.

“My oral capabilities are perfectly adequate,” I answer. I try not to look impressed with myself. I add, “I just don’t _like_ to talk.” I suddenly feel exhausted, it’s the most I’ve spoken in days.

“You’re my kind of girl,” Sirius smirks.

“You can’t remember my name,” I reply without expecting to. Everyone laughs and I feel strange.

Sirius struggles, “Clementine?”

“Calliope!” The others shout at him. I’m busy noticing the smile that’s growing on my face. I am so incredibly tired but I feel better than I have since I lost…Anna. My smile instantly drops.

The Marauders turn back to their snacks as the elves bring over Melody’s cookie and my salad. She takes the food and looks at me.

“You look tired,” she whispers.

I nod. I’ve lost my will to talk again. Melody takes me gently by the elbow and we leave.

“Going so soon?” Sirius calls out.

Melody ignores him. Melody is not ‘rather simple’. She is magnificent.

***

Someone is trying to wake me up. Oh. Hello, Melody.

“Are you coming to breakfast?”

I shake my head.

“How about class? Defense Against the Dark Arts is in the morning.” How can she be so cheerful about such a horrible class? I shake my head again.

“We have Double Potions with the Ravenclaws in the afternoon,” Melody says mournfully.

I give her a thumbs up.

“You’re crazy.”

I smile. She smiles.

“I’ll come get you for lunch.”

I hesitate but then nod. She leaves and I turn over to fall back asleep.

***

“You’ll never guess what happened in Defense!”

I look to her while I brush my hair. My bangs are angled funny and I spell them back into their usually straight position.

“We’re going to duel each other!”

Oh no!

“Don’t look so scared! It’s going to be choreographed. We’re partnered off based on skill. The weak students work with the strong students. We have the class with the Gryffindors. I got paired with Sirius Black.” Melody rolls her eyes and then smacks my arm when I smirk. We make our way up to the Great Hall. “It’s only because I’m the worst at Defense, even though it’s fun. It is! Don’t give me that look. Anyways, you weren’t there so Professor Blane paired you with Remus since he has the best grade. What? What’s wrong?”

I shake my head.

“I know he’s a Marauder, but he’s the nicest of them, trust me.”

This is too much. I cannot work with Remus Lupin. I will not.

I have to. And I actually want to. I shrug to Melody.

“He asked me how you were.”

I try not to look to eager. What did you say?

“What did you say?”

Melody looks surprised at my voice and then hesitates to answer. Oh dear, if it’s something Melody won’t say…

“I said I was worried about you…I’m sorry.”

I look to her. She’s worried? Does she need to be? I’m not entirely sure myself.

“Don’t be.” I don’t know if I’m telling her not to be sorry or not to be worried. Possibly both. I choke on my own voice, “Did he say anything after that?”

“You do realize that your asking questions of your own volition?” Melody looks sneaky and she’s smiling and I wonder if she can tell that I am in love with my recently appointed Defense partner. I shrug.

“No, he did not. He just looked all serious and nodded and then walked away. You like him.”

“Stop,” I say. It came out stronger than I wanted but Melody doesn’t look offended. She smiles and stops teasing.

We enter the Great Hall and I move to the Hufflepuff table with more directivity in my actions than I’ve had in ages. I keep my eyes directed on our table and no others.

“They’re not here. They usually eat lunch with the game keeper Hagrid.”

I don’t respond to this, she’s teasing again.

“I could set you up, you know. I still have a bit of an in with Sirius. We could have a double date.”

“Stop.” I don’t care how stern I sound.

“Careful. You’re going to break your word quotta.”

I smile. I’ve started to like smiling again. I like that when I smile, Melody smiles. We sit and eat, I wonder if Melody realizes that she’s reminiscing over her class period with Sirius Black.

“I mean, I know Remus has the best grade but I think that’s just because he’s better at all the written bits. Everyone knows Sirius Black is one of the best duelists in the school. Well, it’s probably a toss up between him and James I guess, but I would assume it’s Sirius. He’s really funny, kept teasing Lily Evans and James. They got paired together, isn’t that hilarious? I would have thought that Lily was better at Defense. We had to do a few example spells that way Professor Blane could see our practical skills. I think she must have been nervous. I know I was. How are you at Defense? I know you don’t like the class.”

I shrug. She keeps going. I’m not good and not bad at Defense. Practically, I’m not very good, but I couldn’t have been the worst. With our essays and tests however, I’ve always done really well. I’m good with words, even though most people think I don’t use them. Melody carries the conversation without my help. I wonder at my silence, I used to talk more than this, never a lot, but certainly more. I think it has something to do with feeling solitary. Up until this year I belonged to a pair, now my other half is gone. 

Melody is here. She has suddenly adopted me it seems. I like not having to be alone. I like that Melody doesn’t act like she’s doing me any favors by talking to me. But sometimes something feels off. I don’t think it’s Melody’s fault. I think it’s mine.

“What’s wrong Calliope?”

I realize that I’m frowning and my head has drooped. I pick my head back up and give Melody a little smile. I shrug.

“Alright then. We should get to class. You’ll sit with me won’t you? I’m horrible at Potions.”

I smile and nod.

***

It’s Saturday. I missed Astronomy for the week while I was at the funeral. That’s disappointing for me, I love Astronomy. But Melody said we have that class with the Gryffindors, so maybe I’m not so much disappointed as relieved. Melody dragged me up into a tree today. We’re sitting in it right now. I have the distinct expression that Melody is up to something. I think it’s because she’s being so silent.

“What’s going on, Melody?” I surprise myself by asking.

Melody turns sharply to look at me, struck dumb by surprise.

“What do you mean? Why should anything be going on?”

Because you’re acting strange. Like you’re waiting for something to happen. Because you aren’t talking to me. You’re as quiet as I am. I sigh, as much as I want to accuse her of all these things I still won’t talk. Even for this. So I shrug instead. And she grins as if she’s gotten away with something. Color me paranoid but there’s definitely something large and suspicious up her sleeve.

Oh. Oh dear. It’s not up her sleeve, it’s walking out of the quidditch pitch and headed our way. And it’s not a some _thing_ but several someones. Melody! What are you doing? 

“Hey look who it is, Calliope! Hey Sirius!” Melody leans over and waves to the Marauders walking towards us.

“What are you two doing in our tree?” James shouts.

“Who says it’s yours?” Melody shouts back.

“It’s not, but the area underneath is,” Sirius explains. The Marauders stand underneath the tree and I cross my legs. I wouldn’t put it past Sirius Black to use his viewing angle to an unwarranted advantage.

“Well we won’t be bothering you then.”

“You’ll distract us,” Remus Lupin protests, but he’s smiling.

“Nonsense. Calliope and I are quiet as field mouse.”

“Well it certainly applies to one of you,” James mutters.

“Hi, Calliope,” Remus waves to me, “Excited about the Defense project?”

“Not particularly.” Oh no! Did I really just say that? I am an idiot. 

Remus Lupin looks fairly embarrassed. I think it’s high time I drop the last name. He never uses mine. Not that he knows I use his.

“She doesn’t like Defense class,” Melody explains, giving me significant looks. 

Remus nods and sits on the grass with a defeated air. Ugh, Calliope you are pure Dumb.

“Say something nice to him,” Melody whispers in my ear.

I glare at her. This is not what I want. First off, she’s asking me to speak and she ought to know me better. Secondly, I told her from the very beginning…well, I _implied_ with my silence that I wanted no part in any romantic machinations she might invent. I look down on the ground where the Marauders are in a fierce whispered discussion with the occasional glance up towards us.

“Go on, Calliope,” Melody whispers with a slight nudge.

“Stop.” Apparently this is the only directive word I know. I seem to have mastered it because Melody looks chastised and the Marauders are looking up at us with curiosity.

“I’m leaving,” I say quietly. I move delicately through the tree branches and avoid the Marauder’s outreached hands offering help. I swing down from a low branch and walk back to the castle.

“Calliope, wait!”

I ignore Melody for a few steps before a change of heart. I don’t really want to be alone. I’m not quite ready for it yet. I turn and wait for her as she jumps out of the tree and runs over to me. The Marauders are watching us as if we are very fascinating subjects.

“I’m sorry,” Melody says quietly and hugs me. “I promise not to bother you about him again.”

I sigh and smile and we walk together, back to the castle.

 

 

_AN: Thanks for reading! Enjoy and review. More soon!_


	4. When Actions Can't Speak You Must Resort To Words

 

Chapter Four

When Actions Can’t Speak, You Must Resort to Words!

I breath in deep. I love standing on the top of the Astronomy Tower, I love the openness. I love night sounds. I love…oh no. I love Remus and he’s headed my way. With Lily Evans. Mental eye-roll: activate!

“Lily, Remus, hi!” I know Melody isn’t trying to throw me into the arms of Remus now, she’s just being friendly. Or at least, I certainly hope that’s the case.

“Calliope, how are you doing?” Lily asks carefully.

I don’t talk, you fool!

“Splendid,” I lie and feel inner pleasure that Lily looks caught off guard.

“You have the strangest taste in favorite classes,” Melody teases me.

“This is your favorite class?” Remus asks. I nod and pick up my sky chart.

We sit, Melody is on one side of me and Lily on the other. I think I might have preferred a torturous class period next to Remus over her. Why do I dislike her so much? I don’t dislike…I just…Hmm. No, I guess I dislike her. A certainly lack of tact and over abundance of sincerity, I think.

“I never do well in this class,” Lily remarks quietly.

I snort. But I’m not the only one, Remus snorted too! How delightfully undignified. Heart, I ask you to refrain from melting until a more convenient time.

“Lily, you’re at the top of our year,” Remus reminds her. “You can’t get higher than an ‘O’.”

Lily ruffles but has no response. Oh, thank Merlin! We focus on our star charts. I lean back against the tower wall and gaze up at the sky making quick notes. Stars make sense, they have cycles and you can always expect them to be in roughly the same place they were a year ago. I can see the Northern Cross tonight, Orion’s Belt will come out in January. Star charts are quick work for me. My parents quizzed me on stars since I was a little girl. We would lie out in the grass of yard and I would try and find a star that didn’t have a name. I wanted all stars to have names.

“Hey Calliope! Look in the distance, it’s Sirius.” Melody points to a bright star low to the horizon.

“I think that’s part of Ursa Minor,” Remus says. I look over and realize he’s suddenly right next to me. Lily has moved across the tower for a different view. It’s dark but I think he might be looking at me…or my star chart.

“Yep. Calliope has it written down as Ursa Minor,” Remus comments.

“Cal, when does Sirius come out?”

I flinch at her recent nickname for me and feel unsettled to referring to the school’s most popular playboy so casually.

“February.”

“What’s it’s proper name?” Remus asks. He and Melody both look at me. I review my word quotta…almost full!

“Alpha Canis Majoris.”

“What’s the bright star in Ursa Minor then?” Melody asks. They’re both still looking at me. I wonder if they’re just asking questions to make me talk. They must have rehearsed this.

“Polaris.”

“Proper name?” Remus prompts.

“If I’m to do your star charts for you I’d like a bribe,” I say dryly.

Remus and Melody are forced to stifle their laughter because Professor Austrin looks over to us.

“I’ll do all the research for our Defense project and make sure you get an ‘O’,” Remus offers with a smile as our teacher moves away.

“I promise not to start doing that thing that I already promised to stop doing but would be tempted to start again unless properly persuaded.” Melody is by far the better businessman…woman. Whatever. I hold my hand out for her star chart after completing mine. She grins.

“Hey! What about my offer?” Remus asks, although he has already gone back to working on his.

“I’ve already started researching.” This is ridiculous. He’s making me talk on purpose. He clearly hates me and enjoys making me incredibly uncomfortable while answering pointless questions. Talking may come easier lately…but I’ve come to like not doing it.

“Really?” 

Finally he gives me a yes or no question! I nod.

“I thought you weren’t looking forward to it.”

I shrug. My shrugs are incredibly articulate, this one says: ‘I’m not looking forward to it but I don’t intend to ignore it or let you do all the work.’ I wonder if Remus actually understands the full meaning or if he only stopped asking questions because I stopped answering again. I finish correcting Melody’s mistakes and fill in her most important stars. I leave the rest up to her.

“This isn’t finished!” Melody teases.

I raise my eyebrow, which is also fairly articulate, as if to say: ‘Just try breaking your promise and see where it gets you!’

“She’s quite good at that,” Remus says to Melody.

“Not talking and yet not shutting up? So I’ve noticed.”

***

It’s Double Defense on Wednesday morning. For all of first term the first half of Defense is supposed to be spent with our partners, working on our duels. We have permission to find empty classrooms or go to the library as long as we start and end in our actual classroom. The second half is the usual class time.

I’ve had to prepare myself seriously for this moment. It’s necessary for me to face the fact that the Marauders are cutting me no slack when it comes to talking. They all seem to take every opportunity to ask me questions that leave no room for a nod or shake of the head. And it seems a little juvenile to play hooky again after all the time I took off the week before. So when Remus comes over and says hello, I will respond. I will do my very best to converse and not cut him short or give him half replies. Oh shit. Here he comes. Not ready yet!

“Show me what you’ve found.” Remus sits heavily into the chair next to me, pulling out a few pieces of parchment and our Defense book.

That was not a hello. That was not a question. That was not a statement that asked for a reply! What is he _doing_? I got myself all worked up to talk for nothing! Fine. Might as well do it anyways.

“What are the others doing?” I ask. 

Remus looks more than a little surprised, the same way Melody does when I voluntarily talk.

“Er…what?”

I sigh. I will talk for you, Remus, but please do not make me repeat myself.

“What do your Oh So Talented at Defense friends have up their sleeves for this project?” Hmm… Sassy Calliope.

Remus smiles, “What makes you think I know?”

Remus’ smile is crooked? Am I the only one who simply dies at the sight of a crooked smile? I think I’ve never seen that smile before, I would remember that smile. 

I sigh on accident, I love that smile. Remus seems to take my enamored sigh as being one of annoyance.

“Right, sorry.” He thinks, “We haven’t actually discussed this a lot but I know James and Sirius were bragging about all the graduate level hexes they wanted to use.”

I nod, the Marauders would of course be tempted to over work the project to a dangerous extent. Haven’t they realized that their partners are highly unskilled practically? Oh well, best to let them crash and burn on their own. I lean down and pull a book I found in the library out of my bag and set it down in front of Remus.

“These are joke spells.”

I nod and smile. He looks less then enthused.

“This is Defense Against the _Dark Arts_ , Calliope.”

I roll my eyes. I would have expected the ‘smart’ Marauder to catch on quicker.

“Yes, but nowhere in the syllabus does it mention that we’re supposed to _use_ said Dark Arts,” I remind him.

“Do you always save your words to be snide?” he doesn’t really seem to be angry. More like amused.

I blush and Remus laughs. I’m a little surprised, I don’t remember having seen him laugh in the years previous as much as he seems to this year.

“Alright then. While I recognize your point against using the Dark Arts, I still don’t understand where jokes come in,” Remus says patiently.

Oh dear. This requires some explanation. I take a deep breath.

“We have to use advanced Defense spells in our duel, I understand that. But we still need Offensive spells. Rather than trying to master Advanced hexes, why not use something less harmful and more amusing to our peers?”

Remus tilts his head to the side and looks at me funny, making me turn away. I like the way he looks at me. I’m afraid it might show. Remus jumps slightly and looks back down at the book and then to me with his crooked smile.

“We could even miss a couple of our blocks, provided we make it clear it was intentional. It would get good laughs.” I take his words as a sign of approval on my suggestion.

“I’ll probably miss anyways,” I say.

Remus laughs again. I like his laugh so much, it’s hesitant and quiet. As if he’s asking permission to laugh. Nothing about him is abrasive.

“So what are _you_ going to contribute to this?” I ask. He’s looking at me and I wonder if he can tell that I’m trying to be snide.

“How are you with the practical work for Defense?”

“Not great.”

“Then I will tutor you. How do your Thursday evenings look?”

That’s three days. Three days out of seven that I would be forced to be near the boy that I am privately in love with. The boy who I was never even within touching distance, up until this year .

“Free,” I tell him grudgingly.

“Here’s a list of the spells we’ll be expected to use, circle the ones you have trouble with.” He hands me a list on parchment. He did this ahead of time? Seriously?

“You’d make a great teacher,” I say flatly, looking over the sheet. Most are fairly simple but the occasional spell from the past year or so is one I remember never quite mastering. I hand him back the list, disappointed with how many I’ve circled. Remus however looks relieved.

“Wonderful!” Remus praises and I raise an eyebrow. He gestures to Sirius and James struggling with Melody and Lily, “If you hadn’t skipped class, I could have gotten stuck with that.”

I laugh and it sounds strange. Choked, stifled. Even though I’m actually amused and happy, I only manage to sound half hearted. Remus looks at me funny again and delivers a half smile, slightly sad. So much for a good start.

***

I’m waiting for Remus to give up this hopeless endeavor. It’s not his fault…well it is in an odd sort of way. I can’t master even the simplest ‘Expelliarmus’. Why? Because I’m too nervous around Remus Lupin to point and shout some Latin nonsense that will sending him flying across the classroom into a pile of pillows.

“I thought you said you could do this?” he asks me exasperatedly.

I sigh unhappily, there’s no way to respond to this. No shrug to say, ‘I can, you’re just too pretty to yell at.’ I sink into a desk and droop my head into my arms.

“I’m sorry, Calliope. I think I know what’s wrong.” Remus sits down in front of me, sitting backwards in his chair to face me.

I peak over my arms fearfully; he’s figured out I’m in love with him?

“You can’t shout the incantation because you’re not comfortable enough around me to talk.” He actually looks disappointed, as if he wishes it was otherwise.

I lift my head and give him an apologetic look, shaking my head. I open my mouth to explain that it’s not him in particular, I don’t talk to anyone. At least not recently.

“I miss Anna.” That was not what was supposed to come out. My mouth hangs open dumbly and surprise is written all over myself.

Remus tilts his head to the side, inviting me to say more. I feel like I’m knotting up inside suddenly and there’s a rushing sensation reaching up to my eyes. I look away and take long breaths trying to calm down.

“So you don’t talk to anyone?” Remus asks, taking pity on me and giving me something I can nod to. 

I wonder if this is the problem. I haven’t let myself think about Anna, I’ve accepted my silence as part of my nature.

“Why?” he asks.

Because I shouldn’t be enjoying myself without her. We were a team.

Is that true? Is that why I keep Melody slightly at bay? Because Anna is gone and I’m afraid to insult her memory? I’m staring at a wall with a tortured expression on my face. Remus sets his hand down on top of one of mine and I jump, he pulls his hand away. I stand and pace, shaking off the heavy thoughts of Anna. I will master these spells. I will fight my silence.

I stop still in my pacing. I will use my silence to my advantage. I have an idea. I look to Remus who is watching me expectantly.

“Again,” I say and he stands. He looks as though this is a hopeless cause but moves to stand in front of the pile of pillows.

“Just try and focus on something that will give you the temper to really hit me with the spell. Then shout it, or say it strongly. Whatever you can muster.” He has already explained this plenty of times. It never helped.

I close my eyes and rummage through my thoughts looking for irritations. Lily Evans is an immediate, fleeting annoyance. Madame Pomfrey is next, she chased me down earlier today and demanded that she give me a check up, in case of a break out in my lupus. Out of nowhere my mothers family comes to mind. They drive us all crazy, they’re bossy over attentive attitude. They don’t have the best standing amongst purebloods but they’re much more conservative than my parents. My Aunt Delilah hates me. She’s loud and abrasive, I’m awkward and silent. “Use your words, Calliope.” That’s what she says to me. 

Thinking of it boils my blood. My body is tense and my hand is clenched around my wand. I picture my Aunt’s face, saying those words to me while I open my eyes, and I manage to hide Remus behind her swollen head. I raise my wand and then swiftly and sharply twist it through the air. EXPELLIARMUS!!! And I can feel it, I know this time it worked. I catch Remus’ wand with my free hand as my vision clears and I watch him fly back over the pillows.

Over the pillows!? He’s supposed to fall into the pillows! Oh No! 

Remus hits the wall of the classroom and I cry out, running forward as he falls into the pillows. 

“OW! Calliope!” He sits up and I stop still. He’s smiling!

“I’m so sorry!!” I say, stumbling into the pillows. 

Remus jumps out of the pillows and delivers me his widest, most crooked smile yet. I feel as though I’m about to faint.

“You cast a non-verbal spell!! I hadn’t even thought of that. It’s brilliant! That was a PERFECT Expelliarmus. I don’t think I could have even done that without being provoked to it.”

“Your back,” I squeak.

“It hurts!” Remus laughs. He picks me up by the waist and tries to spin me around which only results in stumbling on the pillows and falling down with me on top of him. I jump away quickly to sit, swallowed by pillows, close but not too close to him.

“I’m so proud of you, Calliope. I would never have thought to try that.” He says. And he does look proud. And I feel strange and giddy and wish I hadn’t removed myself from lying on him. Granted, that might have gotten awkward once he realized I remained happily sprawled over him.

“You just had a wonderful success and you’re not going to talk?” Remus teases.

I let out a short quiet laugh and smile wryly, giving him a shrug.

 

 

_AN: Whoo! I just figured out how to reply to the reviews you left me, so check those out and thanks for leaving them. Read, Enjoy, Review._

_Hugs,_

_Maisy_


	5. It's What Teenagers Do

  


Chapter Five

It’s What Teenagers Do

A full month of Remus and I lived through it. It’s really spectacular when you think about it. We talked, we laughed, we cast defensive spells on one another. I was starting to get a little mushy about it all. It was a good thing that I didn’t talk otherwise I would likely regal Melody with tales of our assumed cuteness the same way she told me about all the “teasing” Sirius subjected her to. But secretly I was thinking up baby names, two boys and one girl. I thought Romulus and Orpheus for the boys and Clio for the girl, to keep up with Mythical theme in our names. I could already imagine Remus’ playful eye roll in response. I could also imagine him running for the Forbidden Forest at the suggestion of children. I had an active imagination. There had been no romantic advances, simply friendliness between Remus and I. But it was enough friendliness to wear away at my former hopelessness. I started daydreaming.

“I just heard the _worst_ possible news,” Melody moans, tossing my bed curtains aside and throwing herself down on top of my homework. I quickly set aside my ink and wand in case she got violent.

“The Marauders got girlfriends. _All_ of them.”

My heart twists itself into a knot and I can feel the physical ache it causes as my quill scratches across my Transfiguration homework.

“All at once?” I am continually astonished at the things I say. I feel as though someone is stabbing me viciously in the heart and all I can come up with is a dry, almost snide, retort.

“Hogsmeade,” Melody explained. “Lily Evans finally gave in to James and set up the others with her friends. Even Pettigrew has a girlfriend.”

Peter was alright looking, he had grown of out his baby fat and was currently surprisingly thin albeit slightly stunted. Still, he was awfully awkward.

“Remus?” I whispered, it sounded like a question but I wasn’t sure that it wasn’t just a sigh of remorse.

“The pretty blonde, Emmeline Vance.”

I nodded, that made sense. She was light and beautiful and she actually talked and smiled and did normal teenage girl things like giggle. I looked in the mirror. If I was Remus I would certainly take a fairy princess over a bug-eyed, dark-haired waif. I’m pale too, with a sort of pointy nose. And I’m mute. Well not really with him, but basically, yeah. A brooding mute waif. I’m really not very appealing at all. And I’m snide. A brooding, snide, mute, waif. I think I need to take a trip up to the Astronomy Tower. To jump off of it.

“Sirius is dating Dorcas Meadows, the brute,” Melody sighed unhappily.

I patted her hand lightly and wondered if she was referring to Sirius or Dorcas as a brute.

“Are you alright?” Melody asked, looking up at me. “I’ll bounce back from Sirius easily enough, I always do. But what about you?”

I felt my eyes, they were a tad watery. I shrugged softly.

“I’ve seen him with girlfriends before,” I said quietly.

“How long have you liked him, Cal?”

“Awhile.”

“Forever?”

I shook my head, “Fourth year.”

Melody let out a low whistle and shot me a sympathetic glance, “They aren’t a very cute couple.”

I gave her a glance to show her I knew she was only saying that to be nice to me.

“No really. She’s a bit of a ditz, Cal. Remus should be dating someone with substance.”

I have substance? Honestly, Melody, I don’t even talk.

“What? You think people see you like that? You may be quiet, Calliope, but don’t think that we can’t tell that you’re constantly thinking behind it all. Look at the subjects you like, Arithmancy, Astronomy, Study of Ancient Runes, Muggle Studies…”

I roll my eyes at the last one. Muggle Studies is a joke.

“Hey! That’s a hard class for most purebloods,” She insists. “Maybe you don’t realize this but you tend to give off the air of a tortured intellectual.”

I laugh at this, she’s obviously just trying to cheer me up.

“No, really!! Everyone’s intimidated by you. The other girls in the dorm say you won’t talk because you don’t think anyone is good enough. They think you just let me tail along behind you. Younger kids look up to you.”

Melody has clearly lost her mind. The way she tells it, I’m some sort of self-absorbed snob.

“You know that’s not true. You’re my only friend,” I tell her, concerned that she might believe any of it.

“Of course I know that now,” Melody reassures me. “But I will tell you that when Anna was still here it was the same. You were both so calm and quiet, you came off as superior. Not necessarily snotty, just untouchable.”

I gape at her.

“We were outcasts,” I murmur. Am I trying to convince Melody or myself?

“No one ever cast you out, Calliope. You set yourselves apart.”

I shake my head and try to swallow this information. I had always assumed that I came off as too awkward to be approached. I had assumed that my silence was taken in stride, in order to allow me to refrain from make humiliating vocal mistakes. But when I looked back, I could see Melody’s point. The way I had acted on the train with the Marauder’s, blatantly ignoring their advances at friendliness. My accidental sarcastic slips of tongue to Remus. Anna and I always exiting the Library whenever other people sat at our table. Our determination for peace and quiet. We _had_ acted superior, without ever meaning to. I had only thought that we trying not to subject our classmates to our awkwardness. But I can see how differently it could be taken from an outsider’s viewpoint.

The tears that had worked themselves up to my eyes at the news about Remus spilled over now. Was it true? Could I have banished loneliness ages ago simply by looking around to finally notice that no one was pushing me away? Had Anna felt the same as I or had she known all along that we were isolating ourselves. Was I lonely? I had Anna, but was that enough? Melody wraps her arms around me as tears run steadily down my cheeks. I’m a little surprised that I’m crying. I never cried at Anna’s death, and this has less to do with her or even heartbreak from Remus. It’s such a small little problem. Perhaps I need to work my way up with tears, start with little things first and eventually face the greater tragedies when I’m more prepared.

I put my arms around Melody as a choked up sob escapes and I shake a little.

“It’ll be my new project,” Melody murmurs in my ear, “Integrating Calliope into a normal social sphere.”

I snort and pull away, stilling my shakes and snatching at stray tears.

“It will also be a secret plot to set you up with Remus but we won’t tell anyone about that,” Melody says quickly and I swat at her arm. 

I can see the determination in her eyes and I moan. She’s completely serious.

“Now,” she moves to my wardrobe, “I’m going to need you to work hard at speaking. And try not to insult anyone this time around. We also need to work on this look of yours.” Melody shuffles through my belongings. “You wear the clothes well but you add absolutely no personality to them. And we seriously need to fix your hair. Curtains of dark brown falling over your face does not look welcoming.”

“Melody, are you talking about a makeover?” I ask, slightly frightened.

She gives me imploring eyes, “Please? I’m a teenage girl, it’s what I love to do. How do you feel about highlights?”

“No.”

“Layers?”

I hesitate and she pounces. It surprising how well I can see everything around me after Melody hacks off considerable portions of my hair. She trims my bangs so they no longer hang below my eyes and lay flat across my brow line. The straight dark hair that had previously hung long and limp down to my waist has been given new life.

“This is obviously a future career you should consider,” I tell Melody as she plays with my hair with her scissors and wand. I watch as my lightened hair twists and curls loosely. I had never realized how much hair I had until Melody took it to hand. She was able to create multitudes of layers, some just stopping inches above my waist, others tickling my chin. 

“What makeup do you use?” Melody asks.

“I don’t.”

I whimper helplessly as Melody teaches me all sorts of torturous tricks, that despite their weirdness, seem to make some sort of change. I look less like a waif and more…striking somehow. Girls wander into the bathroom and seeing us, smile and make encouraging comments, telling me how pretty I am.

“It’s true, you know. You’re really beautiful, actually. You shouldn’t wear too much make up or it’ll look fake on you,” Melody tells me. “Eye liner and Mascara just too brag about how perfect your eyes are. And maybe blush, but I like that you’re pale.”

She’s left me with the two most painful tools, I sigh.

“You need to learn to accessorize,” Melody tells me, pulling me back into our rooms.

“I can’t do it all at once,” I tell Melody. “It’s too obvious.”

“Boys don’t see these things, they’re not as calculating as we are. They only notice the change,” Melody tells me happily.

Penelope Sarin smiles at us as if she’s done this all before.

“Who’s the guy?” she asks genially.

I blush intensely but Melody doesn’t give away my secret as she rummages through her things and then my own, dragging all sorts of jewelry and odd ends onto our beds.

“Remus Lupin,” I whisper shyly. It feels oddly relieving to tell someone, even someone I barely know.

“Oh, good for you. Nonsense about this Emmeline Vance thing. He needs someone with substance.”

I blush again. Clearly I have no idea how the rest of the world thinks. Penelope wanders over and starts picking through her own things.

“I never wear a lot of this. Let’s look through it too,” She offers, throwing scraps of fabric and shoes onto Melody’s bed. Melody looks beyond pleased.

“It’s ridiculous,” Penelope continues, “The way the Gryffindors go about dating. All within their own house, as if they’re some well kept secret. Well done to you if you can manage to snag one, especially a Marauder.”

I open my mouth to tell her that I have no hopes of “snagging” Remus but I only laugh instead.

“Do you think she’s a hat person?” Melody asks Penelope.

“No it would hide her eyes, and anyways the teachers would confiscate it,” Penelope returns, looking at me as if sizing me up.

They try numerous pieces of jewelry on me, muttering under their breath. I try and help, putting things on and then tossing them away as if I know what they’re looking for.

“AHA!” Melody shouts triumphantly, pulling out a short red scarf. She ties it around my neck hastily and presents me to Penelope who squeals happily and pushes a large black and white striped bracelet on to my wrist. I look in the mirror and find myself oddly satisfied. It’s much simpler than other girls in my year aim to look, but it’s oddly quirky and sophisticated. Suddenly feeling as though I know what to look for I jump up and down and run to my closet, pulling on a pair red tights and slouchy loose, black leather boots. Melody and Penelope sigh happily and I laugh, feeling unusually girly.

I let them fuss away the rest of the night, picking out equally good combinations as I stare at myself in the mirror. My reflection stares back at me as if it’s surprised to see me.

***

I wanted to wear the red and black combination at the Quidditch match today, but Melody and Penelope insisted on some house pride. I feel a little like a bumble bee with my black and yellow accessories but Melody insists I’m an incredibly cute and trendy bumble bee. They also forced me out of my school uniform and into a yellow dress and black jean jacket. 

“It’s a Saturday!” Melody told me, exasperated, as I started to pull on the kilt skirt earlier.

“He’s going to be here with Emmeline, of course. But that’s no reason not to say hello,” Melody says. 

Penelope wanders away from us to her friends with a cheerful wave and a supportive smile directed at me. Melody and I don’t even get to the stands before Lily Evans finds me, luckily Remus is with her, as well as a gaggle of Gryffindor girls and an overwhelmed looking Peter.

“Come sit with us,” Lily shouts across to us. Melody pulls me forcefully over to them. Peter waves and I notice that he’s holding hands with Hestia Crowne. Remus doesn’t notice us right away, he’s listening to an animated discussion between Emmeline and Alice Marks.

“Muggle rock music is much better than Wizard rock. Even if I relate to the subjects in Wizard rock lyrics, the songs aren’t as good,” Emmeline says strongly, before turning to Remus, “What do you think?”

Remus shrugs and smiles sheepishly, “I haven’t heard any Muggle rock bands.”

“The Fizzing Whizbees are just as good of a band as the Rolling Stones,” I say suddenly and everyone looks at me. Remus looks particularly surprised at my appearance and my talkative behavior.

“There’s just less of a selection amongst Wizards,” I continue. “Less Wizards are interested in making music professionally then Muggles. There’s also a lot less of an audience amongst Wizards. There aren’t enough of us to support smaller bands.”

Emmeline seems to think this over as Lily, Remus and Melody all stare at me as if I’ve gone into an apoplectic fit.

“I hadn’t thought of that,” Emmeline admits to me easily. 

She introduces herself and I return but manage to keep quiet for the rest of the match. I catch Remus giving me curious sidelong glances and I celebrate a minor victory inside of myself. He seems to have noticed some change. I cheer for the Hufflepuff Quidditch Team with Melody, even though it’s doomed to failure. I watch as Richard Durocher get hits by a Bludger and I chuckle. Serves him right.

“You’re supposed to cheer for our team, not laugh at them, Cal,” Melody reminds me.

I shrug, “He deserves it.”

“What do you have against Durocher?” Lily asks.

“We had a…” I wave my hands feebly, not sure what to call my brief relationship with Richard, “…a thing. Last year.”

“Wasn’t he dating Clarissa all of last year?” Melody asks.

I shrug, “No one told me.”

The Gryffindor girls all gasp and their faces are a combination of indignation and humor.

“You’re lucky Clarissa didn’t find out,” Melody tells me, laughing. “She would have slaughtered you.”

“It wasn’t my fault. I stopped talking to him after he mentioned having a girlfriend,” I explain.

“It’s his fault,” Emmeline assures me, “I never understand why girls get mad at other girls and not their boyfriends.”

Remus and Peter look even more awkward than me for once. Remus is staring at me funny again, it’s been awhile since he did that.

“You’re a home wrecker, Cal,” Melody says proudly. 

“Shut up, _Mel_ ,” I reply playfully.

“Hey, you two should come swimming tonight with us,” Lily offers.

I give Melody a look to say, Is she crazy?

“The Black Lake will be freezing,” Melody says.

“We’re going to the Prefects bath,” Alice whispers.

I still feel like this is a terrible idea but Melody looks intrigued.

“That sounds like more fun!” She tells them, and I groan inwardly as Lily gives her directions and the password.

“Remus, I expect you to not tell anyone about this, especially James and Sirius,” Lily lectures.

Remus holds up his hands and gives Lily a complacent smile, the very picture of innocence. But I notice a crooked twitch at the corner of his lip and a swift glance to Peter who holds in a snigger. I sigh, swimming with the Gryffindor Princess and the Marauders? No thank you.

“You’ll come won’t you, Cal?” Melody asks me.

“Don’t call me Cal.” I’ll figure out how to get out of swimming later.

***

I sit sullen on my bed as Melody and Penelope try and find me suitable underwear.

“I can’t believe you didn’t bring a swimsuit,” Melody says for the fifth time. I roll my eyes for what seems like the sixtieth, who brings a swimsuit to Hogwarts?

“Whoa! Calliope!” Penelope says suddenly. I like Penelope because she never tries to shorten my name. She holds up a pair of boy shorts and I blush. They’re fluorescent blue with happy looking skulls and a hot pink band around the top.

“Mom,” I mutter.

Melody rummages and finds a hot pink bra.

“You’re crazy,” I tell her. I’ll look ridiculous, and no one will ever believe that I wear fluorescent underwear with skulls.

“Put it on,” Melody orders. I obey.

I blush in the lack of wardrobe. I’m happy with how I look. I’m a little on the thin side but I don’t have any bones poking out. I have long legs too, but a short torso which is annoying at times. I feel a little like a giraffe. I put a slip on over my “swim wear” and wrap up in my robes, stuffing a towel in my school bag. Melody does the same and we slip into shoes and sneak through Hogwarts. It isn’t late enough yet that we could get in trouble for being out, but we wait till the hallway is empty before giving the password to the Boris the Bewildered statue.

“Squeaky Clean,” Melody says

We slip through the door and I grimace as I’m greeted to the sounds of giggling girls. I turn to look and feel a surge of indignity, I get a measly stand-in shower and the Prefects get a swimming pool? Unfair. I’m pulling away my robes, standing in my slip as the door opens again. Everyone looks up with worry and then there’s a communal groan as the Marauders walk in with Frank Longbottom, wolfish expressions on their faces.

“Remus, you said you wouldn’t tell them!” Lily whines.

“They forced it out of me,” Remus chuckles.

“It’s true,” says James.

“We were quite brutal,” Sirius adds.

“I’m surprised Remus is still alive,” Peter says mournfully and Remus makes an attempt at looking feeble. 

I ignore their jokes and pull my slip over my head and step out of my shoes. I walk determinedly to the water, disregarding the sudden hush from the Marauders. Melody follows me into the water with a smirk as the Gryffindor girls seem to discuss what to do about the boys.

“You’d better lock the door, James. If we got caught we could lose our badges,” Lily says sounding resigned.

I’m rather impressed, not only has she referred to him by his first name, but she’s also breaking rules. Crazy teenagers. James grins as if he’s gotten away with grand theft and bolts the door as the guys strip down into their boxers. I feel sorry for Peter, he looks particularly scrawny next the others in his year. Remus is thin but wiry and seems to be primarily muscle. I dive under water at my sudden blush. I’m not a big fan of water, or being surrounded by it, but it has its uses.

I feel sorry for Dorcas who is almost as thin and muscular as Remus, as Sirius pays my curvaceous Hufflepuff friend more than acceptable amounts of attention. We shouldn’t have come. I knew that the Marauders would appear which means that it’s really just boyfriends swimming around with their girlfriends. Or Melody causing trouble amongst boyfriends and girlfriends. And me floating awkwardly. Because despite last years mistakes, I’m not really a home wrecker.

“Sirius,” Remus calls, “How about a round of Morgana and Merlin?”

“Kid’s games, mate,” Sirius returns but nods his head after receiving a significant look from his friend. Remus saves the day! Melody returns to me after being torn away from her flirtations.

“His girlfriend is here you know,” I whisper to Melody.

Melody blushes, looking slightly embarrassed.

“Right, sorry.”

“You Morgana or Merlin?” Sirius asks Remus.

“Merlin of course,” Remus replies and Sirius rolls his eyes as Remus ties a conjured handkerchief around his eyes and ducks under water.

“Morgana!” Remus calls roughly, resurfacing with the handkerchief still around his eyes.

Sirius swims rapidly pausing briefly to call out “Merlin!” in a high pitched girlish voice. Sirius swims stealthily over to Dorcas with puppy eyes, continuing to return Remus’ calls. 

“Morgana!” Remus shouts in the middle of the pool.

Sirius sneaks out of the pool and retrieves his wand. A girlish “Merlin!” sounds out from somewhere near Melody and I. Remus grins and then sinks below the bubbles. Before I fully understand Sirius’ scheme, I’m lifted bridal style out of the water by a laughing Remus.

“You’ve lost weight Sirius!” Remus shouts.

“Wrong side of the pool,” I reply coolly, while receiving glares from a pretty blonde Gryffindor. Remus swiftly drops me back into the water, pulling off the fabric from his eyes. He blushes a deep crimson as I peek my head back out of the water.

“Sorry, Calliope,” he says quickly and turns and swims back to Sirius. “You cheated.”

“Worth it for the look on Calliope’s face,” Sirius says happily.

I am reminded once again that we should not have come. Sirius is deliberately causing trouble and jealousy. I make my way to the edge of the pool and sit on the tiles, dragging hair out of my face and into a long braid. Despite my warning Melody is doing her very best to catch Sirius’ attention again.

“Calliope?” Melody calls.

“Hmm?”

“What was Anna like?”

I am struck dumb, and my braid falls, unfinished. Why would she ask that? Here? With these people I barely know? I barely know her!

“What?”

“What was she like?”

I stand stiffly, trying not to see the apprehensive looks I’m getting from Remus and Lily. Why should everyone care how I handle losing Anna? Why is everyone so curious about me and her? I move to my robes and take out my towel drying off before answering.

“She talked more than me.” I duck behind a screen, taking off the soaked underwear and putting on the dry slip and my robes.

“You’re not leaving!” Melody cries, seeming to suddenly realize that she’s upset me somehow.

“I have work to do,” I reply, emotionless, unbolting the door and exiting. I feel bruised and protective. Anna died and I was her only friend. No one ever made an effort to know her before, not as far as I could tell. I don’t see why anyone should try to know her now that she’s gone. Especially not Melody. And why on earth would she ask that question in the Prefects bathroom of all places? With so many people I had never spoken to.

I shuffle down the hallway and jump as someone hisses my name. I turn and look to see Remus Lupin, in his Gryffindor house colored boxers slipping and sliding across the stone, following me. It’s a fairly amusing and welcome sight, if not at all expected. 

As he reaches me he grabs at my arm and whispers, “Quick, in here!” In his other hand is his wand and a folded piece of parchment. He pushes me into an abandoned classroom. We stand silent inside other than the occasional drip of water falling off his skin and on to the floor.

“Filch was headed your way,” he whispers to me.

Sure enough, seconds later we hear the stomp and drag of Filch’s quick limp, as well as the occasional mew from his treacherous kitten Mrs. Norris. Remus stands with his arms covering his chest awkwardly, looking everywhere but at me, waiting until the caretaker passes. I try not to stare at the path the water droplets take down his torso but gaze pointedly at our feet, remarking to myself the many differences between the two sets.

“Ah my pretty, look at the nice little trail someone has left for us to this classroom,” Filch mutters menacingly and I can see his approaching shadow under the door. 

Remus’ eyes widen in horror and he sends a quick drying spell onto the floor as I shoot one at his body. He grabs my arm again and pulls me into a tiny closet, barely big enough for him let alone me as well. My back is pressed uncomfortably against shelves and I try not to nudge a single crowded glass jar. Every part of Remus seems to be pressed up against the corresponding part of me and I do my best not to blush even though I’m sure he wouldn’t be able to see it. My nose is being tickled by the occasional chest hair and I think for sure I’m going to sneeze and give us away. It seems highly unlikely that Filch wouldn’t think to open the cupboard but I’m sending out strong payers. After all, the last prayer I had on the Hogwarts Express was manifested rather accurately.

As if aware of my need to sneeze Remus moves his free hand to pinch my nose between his fingers. I look up and think I can see the slightly crooked curve of his smile. I’d squash his big toe for cheekiness if I wasn’t so afraid of getting caught. We stand completely silent, squished tight together, listening to the determined shuffling of Filch.

“Must be a leak somewhere,” Filch mutters and shuts the classroom door firmly behind him.

Remus sighs deeply and I relax and my head actually comes to rest on his chest. He pats my arm affectionately and I jerk away suddenly realizing my own actions. My head hits a shelf sharply with a clank of glass and Remus opens the closet door. I’m glad for the distraction of the pain at the back of my head otherwise I would probably be blushing. Remus is looking quizzically at his piece of parchment while guarding it from my eyes.

“You should be alright to get back now,” Remus assures me, sticking the parchment into the elastic band of his boxers.

I open my mouth to ask how he knew Filch was coming and then shake my head. It’s never a good idea to try and get a straight answer out of a Marauder.

“Thanks,” I tell him shortly and make my way quickly back into the dungeons. I’m not entirely sure what to think of my awkward interactions with Remus. I don’t know whether I should be glad for having them, or if I should mourn the days where I never talked to him but also had nothing to fanaticize over later. And being pressed up against Remus in a tiny closet is most certainly a fantasy worthy issue. 

As I get back to my room and I see the empty bed that would have been Anna’s if she had arrived at school, even Remus is pushed far from my mind.

 

_AN: Thanks so much for reading! Enjoy and review._


	6. It Just Is

  


Chapter Six

It Just Is

Things have grown rough between Melody and I. Mainly because I have been avoiding her for two weeks. Remus was sick last Monday and Wednesday and the most I’ve seen of him was class and yesterday when he ran up to me in the Dining Hall to cancel our tutoring session. He had promised to help Emmeline with her homework. His skin was tinged ever so slightly green and there were dark bags under his eyes. I think perhaps he should have stayed in the hospital wing for a few more days.

I touch my nose self consciously, a spotted rash broke out over my cheeks. My lupus is acting up again and I have to wonder, if it weren’t for my exhaustion and general discontent, would Melody and I be on speaking terms again? I can feel her watching me, it’s an unusual sensation for me. I’m still not accustomed to being noticed. I can tell that besides being sorry, she’s also worried about me. I wish that my sickness didn’t make itself so obvious sometimes. With puffy eyes and pale skin I look almost as bad as Remus. No offense to my secret love, but he can be a bit of a wreck sometimes.

Owls are sweeping in over the breakfast tables. Mum sent me a letter yesterday so I know not to expect anything. She and Dad had dinner with the Potters last night. I wonder if James realizes that I’m the daughter of his parent’s close friends. I would bet money that he doesn’t.

Oh wait. What’s this? It looks like the official letters Dad gets from the Ministry. 

I open the letter and read and feel the air flow right out of my lungs. I try and take a deep breath but nothing happens. The letter crumples in my hand as I stand. There’s a clatter of dishes. I’ve knocked something over. But I can’t think about that right now. Why can’t I breathe? Where did all the air go? It’s starting to hurt! My lungs are pulling and I’m making a scene but I just keep getting dizzier and dizzier. I hear a howl and I wonder if I was the one crying out or it was someone else. I can feel every eye on me.

I can feel Melody at my side and I think maybe I can even hear her trying to speak to me. I can’t shake her off. I have to breathe! My chest is going to cave in any second. Oh, it hurts so much!

And I look up and I see Professor Dumbledore. Why? Why would you ever let me find out this way? I want to ask him. But I can’t speak because I can’t seem to breathe. And my lungs are still working over time, trying to over compensate for the air that won’t come.

It isn’t till the spots appear and swell in front of my eyes and I start to crash to the floor that something clicks in my head. Silly Calliope, you could breathe all along. You just hyperventilated. 

I hit the floor and the swollen spots in my vision explode and it’s all black. 

I guess it doesn’t matter now.

***

__

Dear Ms. DeSole

__

We regret to inform you of a horrible tragedy that occurred last night at eight p.m. There was a violent attack of Death Eaters at the Potter Residence in Godric’s Hollow while your parents, Algernon and Esther were dining there. It is currently uncertain whether it was the intention of the Death Eaters to find both your parents and Mr. and Mrs. Potter at the house. It is with our deepest sympathies that we tell you that neither your parents nor the Potters survived. Your father Algernon DeSole was a great asset to the Ministry and he will be sorely missed along with your charming mother. As you are the sole proprietor of their estate, their funeral and divisions of property will be left in your care. Please alert us if we may be of any service to you in your time of loss.

__

Sincerely and with Sympathies,

__

Mr. Octavius Jones

__

Head of Damage Control

__

Ministry of Magic

__

 

__

***

__

No. Please. I don’t want this. Bring back the black. I can feel it. I can feel consciousness returning.

I’ve never wanted anything less in my entire life.

They can’t be gone.

I have no one now. I have nothing left.

Anna and my parents were there from the first step. Consistencies from day one. And she died. And I could barely speak to them.

And Hogwarts! Why wasn’t I at home?! I haven’t seen them in a month and now…

At some point the subconscious ramble has to end.

I wake and open my eyes in the hospital wing and curl my body in upon itself and cry.

Except crying really isn’t the word for it. It’s a regurgitation of pain. And maybe there are tears and maybe I am shaking and maybe whoever is watching me is thinking to themselves, “She is weeping with grief.” I feel like my organs are pressing against my body and the sob like noises coming from me are actually the noises of me retching out my heart and my lungs and my innards. 

But nothing really comes out except perhaps some drool.

So maybe I am just crying. 

But it feels like something so much more. I am literally swelling and tearing apart and in just a moment my skin will rip away and I will be nothing left.

I can almost look forward to it.

Melody lies down next to me and puts her arms around my body that’s shaking like an avalanche.

Because everything is crashing down.

I can tell it’s her by the way she smells.

I can hear voices and shouting from across the room. It sounds like men.

James.

The idea of someone else feeling exactly how I feel or something so alarmingly similar stills me. I can still feel the most excruciating feeling running through my limbs and wreaking havoc in my torso. I wonder that no one ever mentioned that pain in an emotional sense could manifest itself so effectively as pain in a physical sense.

But I want to see James.

So I look. And I could almost roll my eyes. His grief is so manly. Whatever is destroying me inside has literally possessed him as his friends restrain him while he writhes and flails madly. His movements settle and his howls subside and his friends look at him in concern. And he looks back at me.

Does he blame me?

What if the Death Eaters were after my parents and not the Potters?

No. He doesn’t look like he blames me. 

For the first time in our entire lives James Potter actually looks at me as if he sees me and knows who I am. He remembers that once very, very long ago we were forced to sit in the same play pen for an afternoon until he ran me over with his toy broomstick. Our parents never forced us together again. That I was in the same boat that he knocked over in first year. That we sat in the same compartment this year on the train ride to Hogwarts. That our parents died as friends and we are now both left as orphans.

The rage dissipates in him and he shakes off Remus and Sirius and sits down on my crowded hospital cot and takes my hand.

“Head of Damage Control,” I murmur. The most ridiculous words I’ve ever seen. The least sympathetic. The least sincere.

James snorts a strange watery sort of snort. His eyes are focused on our hands in his lap.

“Bloody gits,” he says. It comes out as a choked sob. 

Melody is at my side. Remus and Sirius stand next to the bed. I think Remus might be looking at me. Lily and Peter are at the foot of the bed, watching. 

It is the strangest position I have ever found myself in. None of these people have ever been a part of my life before. Now it seems as if they’re all I have. And James Potter is holding my hand as if it’s his life line. And it it’s the most comforting thing I’ve ever experienced. 

There’s an unfamiliar hand on my shoulder. I follow the hand to the wrist to the arm to the shoulder. Hello, Remus. His hand squeezes my shoulder as our eyes meet. There are flecks of gold in his green eyes that I don’t remember being there before. I reevaluate what comfort is. 

I close my eyes and wait.

 

__

Remus Lupin

__

James and Calliope have been hollow figures since we left the hospital wing. It’s the most unexpected image I think I’ve seen, the two of them standing next to one another. As if they were brother and sister. It’s almost believable with their identical dark hair and deep blue eyes. I’m proud of him, almost, for acting as her protector. Lily is looking at him with new eyes. 

They stood together in Dumbledore’s office, James’ arm around Calliope’s shoulders as she stared at nothing. I’m worried for her. I haven’t been scared for anyone the way I was for her as she stood in the Dining Hall looking as if she was struggling for her last breath. And then James let out his cry.

And here we are. Standing in the rain waiting for the Hogwarts Express. Lily had the good sense to ask if we might be able to use the Floo Network, but evidently it won’t connect to James’ and Calliope’s homes until they return. James looks as if everything is breaking up inside of himself. Calliope looks broken. She looks like a doll that’s fallen to the floor and been forgotten. For the second time today I can’t resist the urge to set my hand on her shoulder and watch as something stirs inside her for the briefest moment. 

I know that tonight in the Gryffindor Common Room the gossip will fly. Emmeline will wonder why I never said goodbye. She always seems to be wondering where I am.

And what will they say about Calliope? I wonder. James is a Gryffindor celebrity, it’s more than possible that she will be forgotten. I keep my hand on her shoulder. I’m afraid that if I move away she might disappear. Lily steps up with uncertainty but James is quick to take her hand and I can see a flicker of himself inside his eyes. She is good for him, even if it’s taken them both forever to realize it. Melody stands nervously next to me, obviously uncertain what to do with her mysterious friend. Sirius puts an arm around Melody and pulls her under his umbrella, settling her. Peter hovers. For an instant I wonder who invited him.

The train pulls into the station and I pick up my bag and Calliope’s. She doesn’t seem to notice but steps forward to meet the train. It’s brilliant red color seems to have dimmed in the storm. Lily leads us to the Prefect’s compartment which is much roomier. I noticed that Sirius’ eyes are rimmed with red. I remember that he had considered the Potters family.

Calliope hesitates upon entering, as if she isn’t entirely sure where to place herself. Peter, Sirius and Melody sit on one bench with James and Lily opposite them. James is leaning against the window with his eyes closed. Calliope sits at another window, assuming a similar pose. Melody moves away from Sirius and sits down next to Calliope before I can. I sit next to Sirius. 

He, Peter and I look to each other. It will be a long train ride.

***

I wake as the train pulls into the station. Standing on the platform is a tall broad man dressed in mourning. He immediately directs a bow towards James who is leading Calliope gently by the arm.

“I am Mr. Jones. Your Headmaster requested I greet you here with a car to take you home. I am so terribly sorry to meet you under such dreadful circumstances.” 

I can see why they hired him for this job, he has a naturally sorrowful presence. I wonder who he has lost in the war.

“James Potter, and this is Calliope DeSole.”

Calliope is looking at the ground and Mr. Jones looks genuinely concerned for her. Mr. Jones leads us out of the train station to a large black car waiting for us. We step into the back to discover that the inside of the car has been expanded. Mr. Jones sits up front.

As we get outside of London Calliope starts to look a little more alert. She and James are looking out the window together.

“Where do you live?” James asks Calliope suddenly.

“In the country, just a ways east of Godric’s Hollow. Near the woods by the river.”

I never thought of Calliope as a country girl. She had always struck me as someone who would live in the city. She was naturally refined and stylish and had the sarcastic air of someone who had grown up under more interesting circumstances. James smiles when he hears her description.

“You live in the big house on the rocks?” he asks. “With the colorful windows and the big greenhouse?”

For a fleeting moment Calliope smiles and then nods.

“I like that house,” Sirius mentions.

I wish I knew the house. I wish I knew a little more about Calliope. The more I learn, the more I feel like I’ll never know it all.

“Calliope? Would you mind if I stayed with you and Melody?” Lily asks.

I’ve noticed before Calliope’s aversion to Lily so it surprises me when she agrees to the extra house guest. James squeezes Lily’s hand and I wonder when he asked her to do that.

The sun sets as we drive along a river path. The river drops as the car drives up a hill. I see the house and the woods. It’s a big house with several stories and glittering windows. A greenhouse juts off from the right. The house looks a little wild, with mismatched windows, and balconies. Their yard is full of gardens, all currently shutting down from the cool nights except for a patch of pumpkins. I remember that Halloween is fast approaching. The woods spreads out behind the house like a wild backdrop.

“It’s beautiful,” Lily whispers in awe.

As the girls walk up the stone path to the porch and the tall wooden doors James loses his energy. He raises his hand over his face and Sirius moves to sit next to him.

“This is not how I wanted to go home,” James whispers.

 

_AN: Hope that wasn't too shocking for you. More soon. Read, Enjoy, Review._


	7. Funeral March

  


Chapter Seven

Funeral March

__

Remus Lupin

__

“I’m worried about Calliope,” Lily says as she steps out of the fireplace. It’s the first evening and Peter and I are eating a sparse dinner.

Considering we spent the day in a newly haunted house with a melancholy James and Sirius, Peter and I look less than concerned. Lily disregards our nonplussed demeanor and continues as Sirius comes into the room.

“It’s this Aunt of hers. The woman is positively brutal. You should have seen the fuss she made when the Ministry representative told her Calliope inherited everything.”

Sirius steps forward and I pick up on his instinctive dislike towards disagreeable relatives.

“Why shouldn’t she inherit? She’s an only child,” Sirius asks.

Lily shrugs. “I agree with you of course. It seems Aunt Delilah however doesn’t think a girl who hasn’t finished school yet should receive such a large estate. But Calliope’s of age so there’s nothing the ghastly woman can do.” Lily sighs and sits down at the table with us. 

“Calliope is just so timid,” she continues. “More so than usual. I’m afraid that her Aunt might pressure her into giving something up. She’s already completely in control of the funeral.”

“Did you get my owl?” Sirius asks. Earlier today he sent a note over to Calliope telling her the Potter’s funeral would be tomorrow.

Lily nods, “And you sent it just in time. Delilah had just decided to have the funeral tomorrow as well when Calliope read your letter. Melody and I could hear her Aunt wailing about inconvenience but whatever Calliope said worked because the DeSole funeral moved to the day after tomorrow.”

I can’t help but smirk to myself knowing how difficult it can be to argue with someone who refuses to say anything. Lily may think Calliope is meek but she’s disregarding the obvious stubborn streak that hides itself under modesty.

“Where’s James?” Lily asks.

“Up in his room. Come on, I’ll show you,” Sirius offers and stands.

“Remus, will you go check on Calliope? Melody isn’t entirely sure what to do and Calliope is always so civil to you.” Lily leaves with Sirius before I can protest.

I sigh. It isn’t that I’m not concerned for Calliope, or that I don’t like her. I can almost consider her a friend by now, if it weren’t so difficult to tell what she’s thinking all the time. But I’m likely to be as hopeless comforting Calliope as Melody is. Calliope is an enigma and her silent form of grief is as foreign to me as the quirky tilt her eyes take when I think she might be laughing at me. I look hopefully at Peter who quickly averts his eyes. I take another deep breath and step up to the fireplace grabbing a small hand full of Floo Powder.

“19 Riverview Drive, DeSole Residence.” I stumble out of a tall fire place into a large room with deep green walls and ebony furnishings. There is something about the room that is both grand and welcoming in a very eccentric, homey way. There are unusual trinkets on tables and shelves and none of the furniture quite matches. Sitting in the furniture in front of me, looking horribly uncomfortable, is a very thin polished family. An older woman with a commanding presence sits in the center of the room, I decide this must be Aunt Delilah.

“May we help you?” The man sitting to the left asks me with a slight sneer.

I make a little bow, feeling awkward. “Remus Lupin, I’m a friend of Calliope’s. Do you know where I could find her?”

The man and woman look at me with disdain but a bored looking girl standing at the window who reminds me vaguely of Calliope answers,

“She’s in the ballroom.”

Hm. I have no idea where the ballroom might be. The girl at the window seems to pick up on this and sighs, “Go through the doors on your right. Walk through two more rooms and you’ll dead end at the ballroom.”

I try to look courteous as I nod and leave the room. The next room is a warm orangey color with tall windows facing the east. A door opens out to a back porch that sits on the small cliff over the river. I can imagine the sight of the sunrise in this room in the morning. There are blankets on the floor as if someone had made themselves a nest here that very morning. 

I walk through another set of doors into a library. The walls are shelves and the furniture is plush and soft looking. I’m tempted to stop right here. I glance at the doors in front of me with apprehension. Calliope never struck me as the type of girl to have a house quite like this. I wonder what she’s doing in the ballroom. I wonder how much time she spent in each room. I have the strange urge to find out from her what her favorite room is. I step forward and walk into the ballroom.

There is music playing although I’m not entirely sure where from. A tall willowy girl in a red cotton summer dress with dark hair down her back is standing in the center of the wide room with bright blue walls and tall windows. She is swaying, although not quite to the beat of the music. I realize a little late that this is Calliope. She turns and sees me, looking neither surprised or pleased. She looks the same as she did when she stepped onto the train yesterday. Lost. Then she smiles ever so slightly. The smile is so faint that if I hadn’t just seen her mournful expression I wouldn’t have believed she might be smiling at all.

“We had balls here,” She says.

I’m not entirely sure what to say but I manage to resist the urge to remind her that we’re standing in the ballroom.

She smiles a little more and looks down at her feet. “Not real balls. It was just us dancing.”

Now I smile. A family of three dancing together in this huge room. I have a hard time imagining Calliope so carefree. I remind myself that I only knew her after the death of her friend. She looks at me expectantly. Entirely unsure of what to say I ask her the first thing that comes to my head.

“Would you like to dance?” I try not to flinch at my own words. I don’t know how to dance. And it’s the last thing I would normally think of doing with Calliope.

She surprises me by nodding. “Alright.” She walks to a corner of the room where I see a device I’ve seen in Muggle Studies to play music. She takes a large black disc off the machine and replaces it with another. The song comes on slow and quiet and my palms start to feel clammy as Calliope walks back to me. I relax as I see her bare feet and in an moment of slight insanity I take off my shoes and move towards her. I remember the way my mother taught me how to hold a girl when I dance. One hand at their waist, the other hand holding theirs.

I wipe my hand on my trousers and take Calliope’s hand in mine. It’s unusually soft and light but she holds my hand with confidence. It strikes me as odd considering how many times I’ve brushed against her accidentally and she’s jerked away. I can’t help but feel relieved when she pulls me into a simple sway. I could never even manage a waltz. She doesn’t really seem to be paying attention to me, but has her head tilted to the side as if she’s listening very closely to the music. I follow her lead and listen.

  
“ _The Atlantic was born today, and I'll tell you how:_  
The clouds above opened up and let it out.  
  
I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere  
When the water filled every hole.  
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,  
Making islands where no island should go.  
Oh no.  
  
Most people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.  
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.  
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands to your door  
Have been silenced forever more.  
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row  
It seems farther than ever before  
Oh no.  
  
I need you so much closer   
I need you so much closer  
  
So come on, come on”  


As the last lines repeats themselves over and over I look up to see Calliope’s eyes filled with tears that are running over the brim one by one. I stop dancing in surprise and she pulls her hand away from mine and swats at her eyes. She looks suddenly more alert than she has since I entered.

“I’m sorry,” she says quickly and moves away to stop the music.

I have no idea what to do but I do know that I’m not ready to leave. There were certain things I never expected from Calliope; dancing, red dresses and bare feet are some of them. So now I’m intrigued.

“Would you show me the house?” I ask.

Calliope looks up and her eyes are dry again although with out the disconcerting dreamy quality.

“Some of it,” she answers.

We’re sitting on the porch together with glasses of wine in our hands. Calliope took me through her house showing me the library, greenhouse, study (which seemed full of half finished magical inventions) and other assorted rooms. I noticed how careful she was to avoid the green sitting room where her family seemed to be lurking.

“And Melody is upstairs working on Transfiguration,” Calliope says.

We sit in the rocking swing on her porch, pushing ourselves back and forth with our feet.

“I like your dress,” I tell her.

She looks down with a confused expression on her face, “It was my mothers.”

Damn. I haven’t managed to say a single comforting thing. First I made her dance which caused her to cry. Then I asked her about some of the inventions in the study and she explained that they were her fathers. Now I’ve complimented her mothers dress.

“Don’t look so guilty, Remus,” Calliope says. 

I turn to look at her. She looks rosy and bright from the setting sun lighting her up even if her expression is sorrowful and lost.

“I’m trying to remember them. Not forget them,” she says. 

“What’s your favorite room?” I ask finally. It’s been bothering me the whole time. While every room in the house has been comfortable and has shown me a little more about Calliope that I never would have known, I’m still missing that vital piece of who she really is.

“I’ll show you,” she offers and stands. 

I follow her inside and up a winding set of stairs. There are framed photographs on the walls. I take a closer look at one. It’s a picture of Calliope probably a few years younger with daisies in her hair out on the rocks behind her house. Her arms are spread wide and her skirt is waving in the wind. The photograph image of Calliope turns and looks at the camera and starts to laugh. I look up to see Calliope on the landing watching me, or watching the photograph, I’m not sure which. I want to tell her that she still looks so much like the girl in the photograph except for the fact that I’ve never seen her laugh like that. She moves up the stairs and I hurry to follow her.

We pass the second story and I realize we’re headed up to the tower. She opens a door and I move up an older looking set of stairs into an attic tower. I step off of the stairs and am struck by the brilliant lighting coming from the window to the left of me. There is a large cozy chair sitting in front of the window. I look to Calliope and she ushers for me to sit in it. It’s the most comfortable piece of furniture I’ve ever encountered, and I have the most spectacular view of the sun dipping down behind a town which I guess is Godric’s Hollow. 

I look around the rest of the attic. There is another chair sitting in front of another window directly opposite of me. Other than that the room is completely bare. I look at Calliope who is watching the sunset with a contented expression. Yes, I think, this is _her_ room.

__

Calliope DeSole

__

I find a simple black dress in my mother’s closet and a black sweater. It still smells like her vanilla perfume. I realize it’s the dress she wore to Anna’s funeral. I put it on and find my own shoes. I woke early today and sat in front of the east window in the attic, watching the sunrise. I’ve tried to tear my mind away from the lack of my parents in our house. I hoped Remus would have distracted me. I was so close to a release when he asked me to dance. But I played the wrong song. If only he could have asked me to dance under any other circumstances.

The attic has always been mine alone and I’ve felt the freest spending my morning and evenings there. I surprised myself when I invited Remus to sit in my chair. My parents never asked me what I did upstairs. I sometimes wonder if they ever snuck up to see the room. But I have a feeling that they wouldn’t have. That wasn’t the type of people they are. Not like Aunt Delilah.

Melody comes into my bedroom. I want to tell her how glad I am to have her here. Even Lily is a relief.

“Are you sure you want to go? James would understand.”

I shake my head.

“Alright,” Melody concedes. She steps up and wraps her arms around me. I think she’s done that every time she’s seen me. But it hasn’t started bothering me yet. She hasn’t said anything. Which I find highly impressive. Neither has Lily. Which I like. 

I follow Melody downstairs to find Lily having a stilted conversation with my cousins over breakfast.

“We’re ready,” Melody says to Lily. Lily stands and Apparates away. Melody and I step up to the fireplace.

“Godric’s Hollow, Potter Mansion.” We fly through flames and I revel in the dizziness. As we step out of the fire place I see James and Sirius receiving guests. Remus and Peter are to the side with Lily and look pleased to see us. James and I catch each other’s eyes and he moves away from who ever he was speaking with and comes up to me.

“Thank you for coming,” he says. 

I’m sure he’s said it all morning but he leaves me with the impression that it means more in my case. He moves back to the other guests and Melody and I move to stand with the others.

A woman who had been speaking to James only moments before comes up and squeezes my arm, as if she doesn’t want me to run away.

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” she says with tenderness before moving away.

I regret coming.

The coffins are sinking into the ground. Everything seems so perfectly respectable. Three funerals in less than two months. Five deaths. So many more that I don’t even know about. Something about the quantity makes it seem so impersonal. 

James looks so strong.

I try to feel that way.

But I know that really my head is just scattered and more often than not I look as if I haven’t the faintest idea of what’s happened.

In some ways, I really haven’t.

My parents are gone forever. It seems so ridiculously impossible. Laughable even. But I’ve never wanted to laugh less in my life.

I remember that photograph. The one with the daisies and me laughing. There were so many pictures like that. Pictures as recent as this summer. I may not have talked much but I loved to laugh. Where have I been?

Where have I gone?

Where am I now?

Aunt Delilah is shouting again. Something about the color of my dress. My mothers favorite blue dress. Doesn’t Aunt Delilah remember this dress? Remember how beautiful her sister looked in it. I do. 

There are so many people in the house this morning. All wearing black. My parents would have disapproved of such sobriety.

Aunt Delilah can’t make me change. I refuse. I refuse to wear shoes too. I wore shoes yesterday. I wore black yesterday too. And so did everyone else.

“Use your words Calliope!!!”

I wonder how many time she’s said that since she came here two days ago. 

No. I won’t speak.

I’ll never speak.

Melody and Lily and Remus and James and Sirius and Peter all watch. Watch as Aunt Delilah and Uncle Edmund lead us away out of the house. My cousins take my arms and I follow. 

I look over my shoulder and feel scared. I hate funerals. And this one feels as though it’s mine. As if, at the end of all the nonsense speeches I’ll be the one they lower into the ground.

My parents never wanted to be left in a box. All they ever wanted was to be free. That’s all they ever wanted for me.

And the speech is gibberish. Aunt Delilah looks sober and nods but all I can think is, No. No. This is not my parents you are describing. Sir, you have arrived at the wrong funeral. These people that you describe, I never knew them. They were not diligent and stern. They did not dedicate themselves to their work. They did not raise me to be an asset to the wizarding community! They were fabulously in love and that’s all they ever wanted for me. To love and live they way they did. To laugh and dance and taste life.

No. No this is not my parents!

They don’t belong in boxes.

I feel like something has started to clear inside me. I look up around and see people I know who look unsettled. I see people I don’t recognize who look somber. I wonder if the people I know are thinking the same thing I am. That this is not my parents funeral. I look to my Aunt and Uncle. This is their funeral! This is their obituary! Their children will be assets to society. Not me. 

Oh no. How could I have ever let this happen? What have I done? Two dark coffins are slowly lowered into two deep holes. This isn’t right! This isn’t what they would have wanted! No. Please. This has to stop!

But no one will ever listen, Calliope, if you don’t speak. Aunt Delilah is right, you have to use your words.

“No.” It’s a choked animalistic noise, really. Not a word or a cry for help. But it’s a start.

“No.” This is articulated. The ministry official stutters in his speech and a few people look to me. Remus catches my eye. Then James. Be strong, Calliope.

“ _No._ Stop.” The official pauses before continuing after a glare from my Aunt.

I look to my Aunt and raise my voice just enough for everyone to hear, trying to maintain calm.

“It has to stop. This isn’t what they would have wanted.” 

There is silence. Uncle Edmund puts a heavy hand on my shoulder but this time I know it isn’t my despair that weighs so much, but that he is actually pressing down viciously.

“Please! I’ve made a horrible mistake.”

“Edmund, take her back to the house. She’s hysterical,” Aunt Delilah says in a quiet tone that she is sure to let carry throughout the company.

“NO! I’m not hysterical. Please, this isn’t what they would have wanted!”

My Uncle pulls on my arm and my cousin Jonas takes the other arm.

“ _Please!_ No! You don’t understand. You can’t do this! You can’t leave them down there!”

Uncle Edmund and Jonas pull violently at me as I struggle. Why don’t they understand? Why is everyone just standing there as if I’m completely mental. Maybe I am. I relax but the force of my Uncle and Jonas doesn’t quit and they throw me accidentally against the ground.

A collective gasp runs through the crowd and then silence.

My Uncle clears his throat, “That’s quite enough dramatics, Calliope. It’s time we get you inside.”

A sob escapes me and then so many more.

“You don’t understand!”

Before my Uncle can grab at me again two figures step forward.

“Enough. Leave her alone.” I look up in surprise. James leans down and puts an arm around my shoulders as Sirius glares fiercely at my Uncle and cousin.

“What’s wrong Calliope?” James asks gently, helping me to my feet.

I take deep breaths and prepare myself. You can do this Calliope, you can use your words.

“My parents…” I pause, everyone is looking at me. And audience to my first speech in years if not ever. I look to find Remus closer than before. He gives me a fleeting expectant smile. Alright. I’m ready.

“I’m afraid that there has been a mistake,” I start, ready to gain the momentum. “My parents were not the people described here. They disapproved of funerals in general. They hated confinement and it’s my personal opinion that their worst fear would have been to be left in a box for the rest of eternity. They were never particularly interested in making a difference to the wide world. They had simple pleasures. My father was an inventor who knew the value in Muggle contraptions and his own magic. My mother was gentle and natural and plants and animals responded to her as if she was mother nature herself. They brought out the best in each other, they made each other happier than anyone else could have.”

I take a break as tears well up and over my eyes. I need to keep going. I wipe away the salty stains on my cheeks and take another deep breath.

“They brought out the best in me as no one else ever has. They taught me to dance and to laugh and to cook and love. I regret not having the time to learn everything they had to offer. Yes, it is true, the wizarding world has lost something great with their death. They did a great deal for society whether or not they ever intended to. I have lost something so much more. I would be letting them down by not saying anything to correct these misconceptions made today. I only hope I haven’t already let them down by waiting so long. I apologize if you feel I’ve caused a disruption, but I can’t let them be buried underground.”

James pulls me into a strong hug and whispers in my ear,

“No one could ever be disappointed with that.”

“I think it would be best if everyone left while Miss DeSole and I worked out a new arrangement for her parent’s burial,” The ministry official spoke suddenly.

My so called guests give me a curious look but seem put off by Sirius and James standing guard in front of me. I don’t want condolences from strangers right now anyways. I turn to my relatives.

“I think it’s time you leave as well,” I tell my Aunt. “You’ve been unwelcome here long before my parents were killed.”

I duck my head to the flurry of insults and indignations until I hear the resounding “pops” of their departure.

The Ministry Official, who’s name I’ve long given up learning, looks at me expectantly.

“Algernon and Esther DeSole wanted their ashes scattered over their property. This is their home.” I finally feel as if I’m doing something right.

“The arrangements will be made. I’ll bring the ashes here in two days time.”

“Thank you.”

The man nods and another popping sound echoes over the yard. I look up shyly to my classmates and possibly friends. Melody runs to me and throws her arms around me.

“I’m so proud of you! I was so worried!”

“What you said about your parents was really beautiful,” Lily tells me with an impressed look on her face.

I look down to the ground, feeling exhausted and shy again.

I hear laughter and look up to see Remus trying to stifle a chuckle. He gives me an apologetic smile before hiding his laughter again.

“I’ve never heard you speak so much in two months. I thought you had a breakthrough!” He explains with a lopsided grin, “But I see we haven’t completely lost our dear mute, Calliope.”

I feel the strangest sensation bubbling up inside of me. And then it spills out and I’m laughing as I haven’t laughed in years. It’s almost hysteria if not for the fact that I feel more sane than I have since I lost Anna.

“Oh shut up,” I say finally.

We stand awkwardly as a group near the cliff to the river. I move forward to the house and the others follow me.

“You mentioned that your parents taught you to cook,” Sirius says in a manner that is so indicative of himself, but I haven’t heard his usual slyness since Friday.

“I’d love to make you all dinner,” I say, meaning it. I’ve never cooked for anyone but my parents and Anna. I’d like new test subjects. I add, “I don’t cook with meat though.”

“What?!” The boys all cry.

“She’s a vegetarian,” Melody reminds them. “You’re still all daft.”

“I make a fantastic pasta dinner,” I tell them and find them looking satisfied.

The resounding ache of loss is still running through my bones. I still feel as though I’m on the verge of tears. I expect that I’ll still wake with the night terrors I’ve had since Friday. But my parents taught me to enjoy as much as I possibly could so I have to count my blessings. We aren’t expected to return to Hogwarts until next Monday. The weather is beautiful for late October. And who knows, maybe Remus might ask me to dance again, girlfriend or not.

 

 

_AN: I know that seems a little cheesy and happy considering the circumstances, but don't worry. All is not completely resolved in Calliope's heart. Read, Enjoy, Review._


	8. The Black Touch

  


Chapter Eight

The Black Touch

I’m hiding in my attic room again. The sun is setting and I can hear the others in the backyard shouting and laughing. When I invited to make everyone dinner two days ago I never expected them to stay. I assumed James would be anxious to return home, he was so still and lacking his usual energy. I was wrong.

“The house is ruined,” he told me as we sat out on my porch last night. “It feels like dark magic. Like there’s a horrible stain over everything. The living room is the worst.” James took a deep breath and looked to me, “I’m selling it once I graduate. It was never as much of a home to us as this house is to you though.”

So while James still has the details of his parents estate to run through, he always seems to be popping back into my house with Sirius. My house. I shiver.

The door to the attic opens and I look over to see Remus peeking his head up over the stairs.

“Can I join you?” he asks.

I nod and he moves up the stairs to stand next to my chair.

“Sirius and Peter are trying to start a fire,” Remus mentions casually.

I jump in my chair and look at him with concern. He chuckles.

“Not in the house of course! They want to roast marshmallows. You’d think a simple fire charm would be enough, but they insist on ‘roughing it’.” 

I laugh at Remus’ air quotations.

“You’re crying!” Remus says suddenly, kneeling down next to me.

I reach up to my cheeks in surprise to the find more tears. They seem to be everywhere lately.

“Not anymore,” I tell him.

“Do you mind all the company?” he asks me.

I shake my head and smile. “This house should always be full of people laughing. It’s best that way.”

Remus is looking at me with that funny expression he gets that makes me so nervous. 

“I wish you would speak more,” he says. 

You and everyone else, buddy.

“You wouldn’t feel that way if I did,” I warn him. “Anyways, you think I’m snide.”

“I think you’re…” he frowns. “I don’t even know the word for it.”

“Frustrating? Elusive? Disconcerting?” All of the above is more like it.

“Enigmatic. And captivating. But you’re also very sweet,” he smiles. “Even when you’re being snide.”

Enigmatic? And here I was only trying to be simple. And Remus Lupin thinks I’m captivating. Oh geez! And sweet. Watch out all you fairy princesses! Mute waifs are making a comeback.

“Come on, before Sirius burns down the whole property.” Remus reaches out his hand to pull me up and I accept.

We find the others crowded around Sirius as he builds a castle out of twigs and branches.

“And how exactly do intend on setting this construction aflame?” Lily asks him.

“We found matches!” Peter exclaims with glee and holds up our household matches.

“And where exactly do you plan on getting marshmallows?” I ask in turn.

Sirius looks up at me in shock.

“You mean you don’t have any?” he asks.

I shrug, “No one mentioned them.”

Sirius looks to others as if to find someone else who shares his disbelief and disappointment.

“We could go to the store,” James offers his friend.

“I have to tend the fire!” Sirius says.

“I’d be up for an outing,” Melody says.

“We could all go while Sirius tends his fire,” Remus suggests.

I bite my lip. As thankful as I am for Sirius sticking up for me in front of my relatives I’m still not sure that I completely trust him in my yard with a fire, however remotely small it might be.

“And Calliope can tend me,” Sirius laughs at my dubious expression.

And there it is. In very little time I find myself sitting in front of a fast fading twig fire alone with Sirius Black, ladies-man extraordinaire.

“I hope they get back soon! This fire doesn’t look like it’s up to much,” Sirius says genially.

“We could put actual logs on it if you wanted,” I tell him.

“You have some?! Cal, darling, why didn’t you mention it before?””

Sirius follows me like a puppy as I show him the pile of logs by the greenhouse. As wizards we had never really needed logs to make a fire but my parents always kept them around in case of an emergency when I was younger.

“You know what this place needs?” Sirius asks me as I build up the fire. 

I know I don’t actually have to say ‘What does this place need, Sirius?’ He’ll tell me anyways.

“Dogs,” he says as if he has just solved one of life’s ultimate questions.

“What is it with men and dogs?” I ask. I’ve come to realize by now that there is absolutely no control over what I say. My mouth is a separate entity without any connections to my brain.

“What is it with women and …not dogs?” Sirius cocks his head to his side and amends his statement, “Well, women and Remus.”

Ah, Remus. Yet another bullet to add to the list of Why Remus And Calliope Were Fated For One Another Prior Even To Birth. Sirius seems to be examining me in my silence as I prod at our growing fire with a larger branch.

“You know, I can understand why you have a crush on him. He’s a great guy,” Sirius says with sincerity.

WHOA.

What. The. Hell.

Back up that train, conductor! You’ve completely lost me.

“If I didn’t think that he was already so well suited to her I would completely encourage your affections,” Sirius adds gently.

Holy! Shit! Could it be possible that Sirius “Thick As He Is Good Looking” Black is actually intuitive towards my feelings for his friend?

“And if I was a girl I would totally be after him myself…well you know. Not really.”

What???

“So how long have you liked him?”

Er. Can’t possibly tell you.

“That long, eh?”

Damnit! How did this happen?

“There are other fish in the sea and you’re pretty fit. You’ll be back in the game in no time.”

“This is not a sports commentary!” Oh honestly, Calliope. A simple ‘I have no idea what you’re referring to’ would have done fine.

“Right, sorry!” Sirius huffs and brushes his hair out of his face. “Look, if he and Evans ever break it off, I’ll be sure to put in a good word. But I wouldn’t count on it happening.”

Huh?

“Are you referring to James?” I ask suddenly. Oh thank Merlin. He _is_ that daft!

“Of course!” A look of sudden realization hits his face, “You mean, it isn’t James?”

“Honestly! You were just talking about Remus and then-” I stop myself by smacking my mouth with my hand and keeping it firmly clamped there.

Sirius’ eyes go wide. Oh _shit_.

“Remus?” he breathes.

I hate you, Calliope! I hate you!

Sirius bursts out with his bark of a laugh. Ah yes. Thank you. Because hearing you revel in my embarrassment makes me feel so much better. Git.

“Well now!” Sirius says jovially, “This is quite unexpected.”

“Do you have a shovel?”

This catches him off guard. “A shovel?” he asks.

“Seeing as how I’m digging my own grave, I might as well make it easy on myself.”

Sirius smiles sympathetically. “If it makes you feel any better,” Sirius says, “Remus is an entirely different story than James.”

“What on earth would have made you think James?”

“Just this past week, the way you’ve been looking at him as if you were really grateful to have him here.”

I consider this. It’s true, but not in the way Sirius saw it. “I am grateful to him,” I explain, “I’m grateful to all of you. If I had been alone for this…I wouldn’t be… I don’t know what I would be doing.”

Sirius ponders this and looks at me appreciatively. I’ve learned this week that as much as I like to think he’s an superficial idiot, it really isn’t true. And I really would like to think that.

“I never would have guessed you liked Remus,” Sirius says as a sly smile spreads over his face. “You hide it well. Although now that you mention it, I can see the signs.”

“There are signs?” I moan loudly and sink my head into my lap.

“Who else knows? Just Melody? I bet she had to figure it out on her own too. You buried-secrets types always like to keep these things under wraps forever,” Sirius says sagely. “Well you know he and Emmeline aren’t forever,” he says as if it’s common fact. I can’t help but peek up a little at this.

Sirius laughs “Honestly, she’s cute but a girl like that couldn’t keep his attention for long. He’s just dipping his toes in, testing the waters. Remus is very cautious about serious emotional things. But a guy has to get a little practice in.”

Wow. Okay, so maybe I did end up revealing my secret obsession to said obsessions good friend. But as far as information went, it was paying off.

“He has no idea. Do you realize that?” Sirius asks.

I sigh in relief but Sirius shakes his head.

“You’ll never get his attention by trying to keep under his radar,” he warns me.

“I don’t want his attention!” Yes you do.

“Then what _do_ you want?”

Who the hell are you and what have you done with Sirius Black?

“It doesn’t matter now. The secret is out I suppose.” 

Sirius scoffs at this, “Why would I give such a delicious secret away? Anyways Remus has to figure out the important stuff out himself. He likes challenges.”

“You mean…” It’s too good to be true. He won’t tell?

“Your secret is safe with me.” He laughs then and continues, “Well, that is to say, I won’t give you away. I will exploit you however.”

Oh there you are Sirius! Here I was thinking you’d gone missing.

“But I’ll help too.” He actually looks sincere. And not the type of sincere where in a split second a grin will break over his face and I’ll know that said sincerity was actually false sincerity. If such a thing were possible that is.

“He actually used to complain about how much you disliked him!” Sirius laughs. “You’re good, you know. We all thought you hated us for the first month.”

If only. Where did you go wrong, Calliope? When did your ‘indifference’ become so transparent.

“We have a lot of work to do,” Sirius tells me.

“Work?” What on earth is he talking about now?

“Well, let’s see. He sees you as a friend. And he’d have to be blind to not think you’re pretty.”

Really??

“But a pretty friend is worse off than a plain acquaintance.”

Oh.

“Marauders have pretty friends aplenty. Took Emmeline almost a year to finally snag Remus after being termed a pretty friend.”

Who the hell does she think she is anyways? Snagging men left and right…or just Remus.

“So?” I can’t help but be a little curious. It’s as if Sirius Black is handing me Remus no questions asked.

“You’ve got to be the _hot_ friend.”

Ah yes. There’s always that catch isn’t there.

“Don’t look so dubious Cal! I am a connoisseur of outrageously attractive women. I can make and break ‘em…but in this case we’ll just focus on the making bit.”

He’s got to be insane.

“I’ve noticed a change in you. This would have something to do with Melody wouldn’t it?”

I nod.

“It was a start,” he says.

“I’m not sure I want to be hot,” I tell him. 

Sirius grins, “That’s what will be so appealing for him. But we can’t start right away. Emmeline would have a hissy if you went from pretty acquaintance to hot friend. We’ll wait till the time is right. Till then we’ll just practice.” Sirius gives me a winning smile, “Calliope DeSole, you’re my new project!”

People keep saying that.

***

That was how it started. How suddenly Sirius Black went from being the “Marauder Who Can’t Remember My Name” to the guy I would find rummaging through my closet making a pile of clothes to take back with me to school. Or the surprising whisper in my ear telling me not to slouch. Or the very surreptitious comment recommending that I ought to keep my hair out of my face.

“I can’t take it anymore!” I cried out to Melody on the last night as we huddled in my room together. Lily slept down the hall and we both knew better than to think that the Gryffindor Princess herself might stoop to eavesdropping.

“I think it’s cute, Cal. Everyone’s rooting for you!” Melody had been a firm enthusiast of Sirius’ involvement from the second I mentioned it. Gee, what a surprise.

“Firstly, it’s not a competition. I’ve never been out to “snag” Remus, I just like to…admire him from afar. Secondly, who exactly is ‘everyone’?” I huffed temperamentally.

“Well, Sirius, Penelope and I are rooting for you,” Melody corrected herself with a giggle. She looked at me with a caring smile, “You’re really coming out of your shell, Calliope.”

“More like you lot are smashing my shell against a rock repeatedly,” I snorted. 

She was right though. Rather than retreating even farther into silence after my parents death I began to reach out. A month earlier and my retort would have been kept to myself. I couldn’t help but be a little relieved. The isolation I had felt immediately after their deaths had terrified me, I could never have lived for long feeling that way.

“I’m interested to learn his instructions on becoming the ‘hot friend’.” Melody grins with wicked intent.

“Home-wrecker,” I mutter. I trace a pattern on the quilt on my bed and wrestle with a fear I’ve had since Sirius offered his help. “You don’t think he’s playing a game do you? For all I know he could be telling Remus right now that I fancy him.”

“When did Sirius find out?” Melody asks me.

“Three days ago.”

“And how has Remus acted since then.”

I sigh, feeling a little relieved, “Exactly the same. Friendlier even. We talk a lot. Well, you know, considering it’s me.”

“The thing about Marauders is that despite all their pranks, they never really manipulate anyone.” Melody tells me. “Sirius might be a trouble maker but I think he’s got a better sense of friendship than to give a secret away that isn’t his to give.” She is right. And despite the fact that it goes against what I might consider my ‘better judgment’ I really do trust Sirius with this. Besides, he seemed so highly entertained by the idea of trying to make me a ‘hot friend’ I can hardly imagine him ruining his own sport. What the hell, even I’m mildly amused and intrigued.

 

 

_AN: Sorry about the slight wait. Sudden rush of seeing friends now that it's summer again. I promise to keep up from now on._


	9. Sirius "Quotations" Black

  


Chapter Nine

Sirius “Quotations” Black

Ah, breakfast! The best meal of the day. No disaster filled classes or awkward interactions between anyone till after breakfast.

“Oi! Calliope!”

Or not.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my new friends. Things have been nice these past few days since we got back. _Other_ than Sirius. If I turn one more corner only to smack into him and receive a lecture on my expression or my clothes or my nail biting habit (which, by the way, was only started from nerves which were only created because I was constantly fearing being assaulted by Sirius “I’m So Omniscient I Even Know What _I’m_ Going To Be Thinking Before I Think It” Black) someone was going to get hurt. And knowing my lack of aggression it would probably be me rather than Sirius.

“Cal!”

Ugh! Honestly, what now? I stalk over to the Gryffindor table and, seeing how I seem to be feeling so particularly sassy today, snatch a muffin from their table before glaring at Sirius.

“Siri?” I ask shortly. The others laugh but Sirius doesn’t even bat one of his perfectly curled eyelashes. Remus, James and Peter are all snuggled closely to their girlfriends but Dorcas seems to be nowhere in sight. Not that anyone really thought she had Sirius pinned down very tightly.

“Would you accompany me to Hogsmeade this weekend?” Sirius asks.

Excuse me?

“Are you being serious?” I ask.

“Of course I am! Who else would I be?”

I roll my eyes. My bad. Number one word to never say around Sirius would obviously be “serious.” The Gryffindors groan and various parts of breakfast seem to fly in his direction from all over the table.

“Look,” Sirius appeals to me, “This lot is having a romantic weekend and leaving me to my lonesome. I need someone to keep spend the day with. As friends.”

If I didn’t know better I would point out to him that he could surely find someone more agreeable than I for the weekend. However, it’s quite evident by his expression that this is more than a social invitation.

“If we must,” I tell him, picking out a cranberry from my muffin and nibbling on it.

Remus tilts his head to the side and smiles slightly.

“Calliope, if I didn’t respect you so much I would be in favor of you and Sirius dating,” he says, gathering snickers from the others at the table.

“Are you mad?” I ask as Sirius shouts, “If you _didn’t_ respect her?”

Remus holds his hands up in a surrender while grinning.

“You’re the only girl I know who even tries to put him in his place, Calliope. And Sirius, do you honestly think I would allow a friend to date you? I should certainly hope I know better than that.”

“I have a breakfast to eat before I lose my appetite. Excuse me,” I say and turn to leave.

“Don’t forget about our date tomorrow, Cal!” Sirius shouts to my retreating form. I flash him a glare over my shoulder and stalk away. Here’s to a perfectly good weekend ruined by Sirius “I’m A Bloody Expert On Hotness” Black.

***

Sirius gives me an appraising look as I approach. He is standing with the usual cluster of Gryffindor couples. He meets me with a frown away from the others.

“I certainly hoped you would put a little more effort forth than this,” Sirius says with disdain.

How nice to see you too.

“What are we doing today?” I ask grumpily.

“Shopping!” Sirius holds out his arm for me to take.

“No! I’ve already had a makeover and it hurt. I refuse to be subjected to another.”

Sirius waves to his friends for them to go on ahead and then turns to me. “You’re very cute, Calliope,” he tells me. “But that’s not going to get you anywhere. I know Remus is the unbelievably sweet Marauder to all you fan girls and he couldn’t possibly be guilty of something as disgusting as hormones. I have to hand it to him, he plays the part well. But he _is_ a teenage boy and if you want to win him you have to play by certain rules.”

I frown. He seems to misunderstand something.

“Sirius, I’m not trying to win anything. I don’t see this as a competition. If Remus isn’t interested than so be it, I don’t plan on tricking him into liking me by appealing to his hormones.” I turn to leave, feeling the matter has been settled, even if the outcome isn’t exactly what I was hoping for.

“Wait. Do you mean that?” Sirius asks me.

“Of course!” I answer, keeping my back turned.

“What is he to you?”

I blush. Only everything. Can’t say that.

I turn and look at Sirius, “I…like him. I never meant for you to know. I’d be happy to drop the whole matter.” Maybe not happy. But certainly back to my pleasant stalemate.

Sirius looks to his feet and seems to give this real thought. He looks back up to me and smiles.

“I’m sorry, Cal. I misjudged you. Can we make a deal?”

Do I look stupid, Sirius?

“What sort of deal?”

“You play along with my makeover and I promise to take this seriously. It’s just now occurring to me that I might be doing Remus a favor as well.”

I quirk an eyebrow, “How do you mean?”

“I have this feeling about you, is all,” Sirius explains, taking my arm in his. “I might not be setting him up with _just_ a girl. I might be setting him up with the right girl.”

I feel a little flutter of delight at his words.

“One more thing though,” I tell him. “We stop all this if he doesn’t show any interest.”

Sirius grins as he pulls me along to an empty carriage.

“Fair enough. Now then, I want to learn a little more about you. What kind of music do you like?”

What a loaded question. I _love_ music. I smile as we step into the carriage. 

“Lots! Folk, Rock, and there’s this new trend with Muggles I’m interested in called Punk.”

It’s not that punk music completely appeals to my rather demure tastes, although it does a little. I just love the power behind it, the statement it makes. The people and the style are so incredibly focused on not conforming, it’s sort of a new kind of beautiful. 

“The Sex Pistols!!” Sirius shouts, rocking the carriage with his enthusiasm.

“I’m personally more interested in the Clash,” I grin. “Wait, how in Azkaban do you know about it?”

Sirius shrugs, “I lived in London, didn’t I?”

Fair enough. He is a little rebellious too, it’s not a completely unwarranted interest. 

“I didn’t spend much time in the house,” Sirius explains, “And taking an interest in Muggles was sure to drive my parents mental. What about you? Punk seems a little edgy for our favorite mute.”

They had taken to calling me that. Which I really didn’t mind, actually. I shrug with a secretive smile. Come on. Everyone likes to rock out every once in awhile.

“I have the most brilliant idea!” Sirius declares, fixing me with a dangerous smile. “How much money can we spend?” The spark in his eyes both terrifies and excites me.

“Plenty.” I plan on getting a job rather than living off my ample inheritance.

“We’re going to London,” Sirius says and for a second I think he’s joking.

Oh shit. He really isn’t.

“Why?!”

Sirius smiles wickedly, “It’s time we brought a little punk rock to Hogwarts.”

I burst into a fit of laughter. He’s obviously mad if he’s thinking what I think he’s thinking. Not to mention that was the cheesiest attempt at sounding cool I’ve heard from him.

“Nothing extreme!” Sirius tells me. “But to tell you the truth you’re a little too intense to pull off the fast fading hippie trend. If anyone could pull off a little danger it’d be you…or me.”

Oh he’s completely off his rocker. Except for the bit about hippie stuff not suiting me. It really doesn’t. I always look more like a weed child rather than a flower child.

“Just humor me?” Sirius pleads.

“I don’t have any muggle money,” I tell him as an excuse.

“You, little lady, are in for a surprise!”

We step out of the carriage and Sirius pulls me into a Side-Along Apparition. We pop out in a rundown city area. I look to my left and see ‘Totobag’s Café’, a punk rock monument. Surrounding Sirius and I are hip artists in disintegrating clothes with expressions in states of disarray. 

I look to Sirius and growl through my teeth, “You just apparated us into a crowd of punk rock hipsters!”

Sirius nods proudly to me and pulls me by the hand to a shop with dark windows and a red neon sign that reads “The Wizard’s Rubbish”. I notice the way the Punk Muggles pass the store without a glance.

You have to be kidding me. A punk wizarding store? Sirius and I burst into the store startling the clerk who seemed to be trying to charm her hair to stand on end in spikes. Sirius gives her his token charming smile and heads straight to the clothing racks. I find myself in a changing room with more clothes than I know what to do with. Thankfully none of them seem to be stylishly ripped or bearing any spikes or safety pins. I pick out a pair of seemingly innocent looking black jeans and slip into them. I snap the last button shut and jump as the pants make a strange squelching noise and shrink around my body to fit like skin.

I throw open the curtain to complain from the shock but Sirius looks delighted.

“Those are fantastic!” Sirius shouts.

“They’ll expand again when you unbutton them,” the clerk tells me in a bored tone.

I look back to the mirror. Well, they are actually quite comfortable and stretchy. And they _do_ look good. As Sirius instructs me into one after another outfit I wonder how many girls would cause me bodily harm to be in my place. Not that being Sirius’ personal dress up doll is all that bad. His taste somehow seems to suit me. I’m surprised at how modest he allows me to be. Long pants, albeit tight, and floppy comfortable shirts synched in at the waist with a belt. Or short skirts with heavy sweaters. Combinations I would never try that just happen to look natural on me. And certainly more appropriate with my unusual looks than the loose natural flowing styles all the girls at Hogwarts wear.

“Put these on,” Sirius says casually handing me a pair of red heels sharp enough to kill. 

“Absolutely not,” I reply with equal nonchalance.

“Why not?” Sirius attempts to intimidate me with a fierce glare and a towering stance.

“Because I’ll never even be able to stand in those,” I explain.

The clerk with the appropriately spikey blue hair walks over to join our discussion. Undoubtedly to help Sirius gang up on me. If he thinks I haven’t noticed him flirting with her, he’s thicker than I thought.

“All our shoes have cushioning and massaging charms guaranteed to last longer than the shoe itself. Try them.”

I am outnumbered of course. I set my feet into the violently red death traps and buckle them shut. Sirius offers his hand to steady me as I stand. _Interesting_. Physically I feel the same as I did a moment ago except taller. I take a few tentative steps forward and marvel at how easy it is. This is nothing like my brief experimentation with my mother’s heels in third year. This is much nicer.

“I really don’t need to be taller,” I tell Sirius. I’m still a little hesitant. These shoes aren’t as me as the clothes.

“Remus is _very_ tall,” Sirius reminds me. “He’s always rattling on about his neck hurting from looking down at all the girls he dates. It’ll make him more comfortable if he can look you right in the eyes.”

“You, however, prefer to stare down with condescension?” I joke. While this hint about Remus is a major sway for me, I’m not completely sold. “I’m not sure,” I continue. “No one else ever bothers with heels.”

“That’s because they don’t have enchanted heels. Just stop complaining and take a look at your legs.”

I comply. Whoa. Is that for real? Or did that mirror just get distorted? It’s like I’m ¾ leg and ¼ girl.

“I look like a flamingo,” I say. Minus the pink that is.

“Will you never be satisfied, woman?!” Sirius laughs. “Anyways, you’re not that top heavy.” He walks toward me, “Here’s something you should know. When a girl wears heels she stretches the muscles along the backs of her legs…in a certain way that…attracts men. So I can say quite honestly that you look fantastic. If I wasn’t doing this for Remus I would seduce you myself.”

What an awkward thing to say. Way to make me feel uncomfortable. Is he being serious about the heels thing? How is that I never knew this? I’m not sure if it makes me more or less apprehensive about owning some.

“Now we just need your outfit for the holiday ball,” Sirius tells me.

Crazy boy, say what?

“The ball?” I have no intentions of going to a ball.

“Of course. The one you’ll be attending with Remus,” Sirius says.

“Everyone knows he already asked Emmeline,” I say.

“They won’t last that long,” Sirius assures me.

Excuse me for my dubious expression but not everyone is Sirius “Serial Dater and Professional Seducer” Black.

“How can you be so sure?” I ask.

“It’s just a feeling. If I turn out to be wrong I’ll happily take you myself although ideally you should be there with Remus.”

Ideally and in my wildest dreams. I can’t get my hopes up. Sure, last year Remus had never even heard my name and now we were friends. That was no guarantee for a happy ending though. I sneak back into the dressing room while Sirius raids the store looking for a dress. I stare at my feet clad in the red heels and then look into the mirror.

The girl sitting there looks a little like me. Same wild eyes that have the tendency to be unreadable and eerie, same long hair that often over takes me entirely. Same awkwardly long fingers and small palms with the nails bit back to the nail beds. I meet her eyes and feel a little pang. She looks so incredibly sad. _I_ look sad. My parents would hate to see me this way, lost and moping. Dressed to kill but with an attitude fit only to stay in bed with a tissue box and Mephistopheles on my lap. They would like Sirius, like what he’s trying to do for me. Putting a little life back into me.

I take a deep breath. This is not a bad idea, this whole new image thing. I grew out of my gentleness this year, it’s true. I lost my innocence when everyone started dying. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be happy. Anna would have found all of this amusing although would never have believed it possible, and I’d like to think that if she had been on the train that first day she might have met the Marauders and joined me in all this craziness. My parents would certainly have approved.

I step out of the dressing room and bump Sirius playfully with my hip.

“What makes you think you get to pick out _my_ dress?”

 

***

Sirius and I apparated back to Hogsmeade with an hour to spare before all the carriages would leave. I’m trying to avoid thinking about the significant dent I’ve just created in my inheritance. To say the least I’m feeling guilty on spending my parents hard earned money being Sirius Black’s project, even if I do think they would have enjoyed it. I charmed all my purchases to fit inside my bag under Sirius’ instructions, but even then it was a tight squeeze.

“If we’re spotted it should look as though we’ve had nothing more than an innocent day in Hogsmeade,” he said.

We wander through the square and suddenly Sirius puts his arm around my shoulders and laughs loudly. I look at him skeptically.

He leans in towards my ear and whispers, “Play along.”

There are many things I will tolerate from Sirius. This afternoon was actually vaguely fun. But I _will not_ follow blindly. That’s just asking for trouble. Except for when I let him apparate us into London. Although I’m not sure I had a choice in the matter.

I look up to see what it is I’m supposed to be playing along with. Ugh. Remus and Emmeline looking cute and well suited to one another. His arm is wrapped around her waist and they’re smiling and laughing and getting lost in each other’s eyes. I feel sick and unwanted.

I look to Sirius, forcing my eyes away from the crushing sight of the love birds. 

“I don’t want to do this,” I tell him. 

Remus isn’t going to be jealous that his friend has his arm around my shoulder when he has a glittery blonde clinging to him. 

Sirius looks at me shrewdly and I drop my eyes. He doesn’t know how much I like Remus, how it progresses every day until I feel like the emotion is capable of destroying me. That is mine to bear. Sirius squeezes me around my shoulders and I pick my eyes backup to look at him. I’m transparent. He knows. He meets my eyes and I can see his concern. Damn my lack of emotional control. 

“We’ll make it quick, I promise,” Sirius assures me gently.

“Well you two certainly look cozy,” Emmeline coos. Sirius and I look over just as Remus seems to spot us. I catch a flicker of a frown from Remus before his expression returns to it’s amicable self.

“Sirius mate, just what do you think you’re doing with my defense partner?” Remus asks in a teasing tone. Have I just been demoted?

“We’re just enjoying the lovely afternoon,” Sirius replies innocently. A little too innocently.

Remus and Emmeline look at me with conspiratorial smiles as if they know exactly what I’ve done with my afternoon. Not bloody likely, let me tell you. I look away from their cheer feeling like the mascot for gloom all over again. Sirius squeezes me around the shoulders again.

“We’re headed to the Three Broomsticks for a quick bite if you’d like to join us,” Remus offers over my silence. Another example of Remus’ perfection, the way he provides me with the perfect opportunity for an escape.

“We’re on our way back to the castle actually,” Sirius says casually. I give him a grateful smile and he smiles back down at me. I wonder with paranoia if we’re making as sickeningly cute a picture as Remus and Emmeline were before they spotted us. And if Sirius planned it that way, come to think of it.

“Did Sirius wear you out?” Emmeline asks me. I know she probably meant it as a friendly jab but the hidden innuendo ruffles me.

“Quite the opposite, I assure you,” Sirius laughs, quickly steering me away from the happy couple. I try to relax again, pushing away jealousy and hopelessness.

“You never told me you were in love with him,” Sirius says quietly and soberly when we are out of hearing range.

I stumble in my steps but Sirius pulls me along evenly, his arm still around my shoulders. It’s one thing to say “I’m in love with a marauder”, plenty of girls have made that claim. But to hear “You’re in love with a marauder” _from_ a marauder is quite a different thing.

“You never asked,” I say quietly as Sirius pushes me into a carriage and heaves himself in behind me.

“I did! I specifically remember asking you today, ‘What is he to you’.” Sirius growls.

He’s right of course, but why is he so upset?

“You don’t have to believe me,” I say. Melody probably doesn’t.

“You never asked me to believe you, Cal. It would be impossible not to anyways.” Sirius says, softening his tone.

I still don’t see what the problem is. On his part at least. I obviously have a multitude of problems to address.

“You don’t get it do you?” Sirius asks. He sweeps a hand through his long glossy hair. I shake my head. “I like you Cal, I would consider you a friend.”

Yeah. I can see how that would be so awful.

Sirius continues, “I’d like to see you and Remus together. I can’t completely explain why but I really would. But love is a big deal. I don’t want to see you get hurt if this doesn’t work out.”

If he thinks I don’t understand all that than he must assume I’m an idiot. The closer Remus and I grow the more hope I have. The more hope I have the more aware I am that all my hopes may more than likely be completely bludgeoned to death by reality. Unrequited love is a bitch. But I know that. I drop my eyes to my lap.

“I missed the boat on being emotionally detached years ago, unfortunately,” I admit. “But I understand if you don’t want to be a witness for when I crash and burn.”

So there, I’ve said it aloud. I’m going to have my heart ripped to shreds when Remus finally figures out what I’m all about. But there’s no stopping it now. I surrendered my happiness when I decided to take a chance and actually try speaking to him.

Sirius laughs at my cynicism and then sighs, “Alright, so we’ve gotten you a wardrobe that would drop even Professor Binn’s jaw. Next I say we work on your confidence.”

I look up to the smiling face of Sirius “You Might Be Hopeless But I’ll Stick Around For The Ride, Doomed Or Not” Black.

 

***

 

“Pssst! Calliope!”

Of all the places I planned to hide from Sirius in, I never thought the _library_ would be the one he found me in.

“Has Remus warned you against my lecherous ways, yet?” Sirius whispered.

What in the name of Merlin is he prattling on about now?

“Oh never mind, here he comes!” Sirius darts back into the shadows of the library.

Wait. Here comes who? Was he talking about Remus?

“There you are Calliope, I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” Sirius really _is_ omniscient. It’s sort of creepy, actually.

“I thought you Marauders knew where everyone was at all times,” I say to Remus.

He gives me a modest shrug but his smile hints at how correct my guess actually is. Remus sits down across from me.

“Our knowledge is communal,” Remus tells me with a sly smile. “Someone else is borrowing it today.”

“Does this have anything to do with that scrap of paper you were holding when we hid from Filch?”

Aha! I’m totally right. Remus’ expression is guilty and surprised.

“Never mind, Remus. I don’t want you breaking confidence.”

Remus sighs in relief and then looks at me shrewdly, “Speaking of Marauders, what’s going on with you and Sirius?”

__

Interesting. Sirius was right…again.

__. Sirius was right…again.

“What do you thinkis going on?” I ask. I’d be lying if I’m not secretly hoping to trip Remus up causing him to confess his desperate jealousy and hopeless devotion to me. 

HA!

Remus blushes and I wonder just what exactly Sirius has been hinting at.

“We’re just friends,” I say, putting Remus out of his embarrassment.

I feel a little excitement at Remus’ obvious relief.

“You aren’t really his type anyways,” Remus says as if he never had a single doubt on the subject.

“Oh? Sirius doesn’t like the quiet awkward types?” I joke.

“He’s more or less only interested in the beauties,” Remus laughs.

Er…I wonder how long it’ll take before he realizes he sort of just insulted me. Not that I was expecting Remus to hail my physical glories. Still. Little harsh.

“Oh! I mean…It’s not that you’re…or that you aren’t…” Remus fumbles.

I hold up my hand. “Don’t apologize, it’s true. It doesn’t matter, there’s nothing between Sirius and I.”

“But I never…you’re obviously…that is to say…”

“Remus, really, I understand.”

Remus sighs with a furrowed brow and then looks back up to me, “You’re much too good for him, Calliope. I’m relieved.”

I scoff good naturedly, “Are you willing to test that statement against the female population of Hogwarts…or just the population in general.”

Remus remains serious, “No really, I mean that. He’s one of my best mates and he deserves a really fantastic girl, but not as fantastic as you.”

Um…whoa. I suppose now would not be the time to mention my suspicions that this very friend is probably listening to our conversation.

“I’ll see you in class, Calliope.” Remus says with a smile before getting up to leave.

I sit dumbfounded for a minute.

“Psst! Calliope! Is he gone?”

He seems surprisingly unaffected by Remus’ words. Which is good, I guess.

“If he wasn’t, that would be a pretty awkward time to ask that question,” I say in a normal voice.

Sirius comes leering out of the shadows grinning madly and wiggling his eyebrows at me.

“That was lovely!” Sirius cheers. “You might have let him carry on a bit before telling him we were only friends, though. He would have rattled on about how you didn’t deserve to have your heart broken and needed a guy who would treat you right and somewhere during the speech he would have realized he meant himself and then suddenly you’d be shagging on the table.”

Er…WHAT?

“But this will have to do,” Sirius continues as if he hadn’t just spoken candidly of me having sex with Remus…in the library…with him listening!! Uuuugh. Of all the other Marauders who could have offered their help I had to get Sirius “I’m So Perverted I Can’t Make Decent Everyday Conversation” Black.

“He obviously likes you, although I don’t think he’s realized it yet. Ah well. It’s only a matter of time.”

“Are you-” I stop myself short of saying ‘serious’ and I can tell Sirius is a little disappointed. “Do you mean that?” Really? Remus likes me? It’s not even possible.

“Of course! And he didn’t mean to imply that you aren’t beautiful,” Sirius assures me with a pat on the back. “I think he even tried to tell you that you are beautiful but he got flustered. He meant I like girls who are _only_ beautiful and nothing else.”

“He’s wrong, you know,” I tell Sirius and he gives me a curious look. “I thought you were shallow too at first, but you’re not. You’re actually a closet romantic.”

Sirius rolls his eyes but looks mildly interested nonetheless, “What ever would make you say that, Cal?”

“You’re trying to give me my happy ending.”

A soft blush rushes over Sirius’ cheeks and it’s endearing and earnest. He looks at me with a genuine and sheepish smile. So there it is. Sirius “I Might Drive You Insane, And I Might Be Really Pervy, And I Like To Act Like I’m Heaven’s Gift To Women, But Really I’m Secretly A Tender Hearted Sap” Black and I know each other’s fatal secrets.

Okay, maybe not _fatal._

_AN: Aren't Marauders lovely? Read, Enjoy, Review!_


	10. The Inner Workings Of A Young Man With A Curiously Furry Little Problem

  


Chapter Ten

The Inner Workings of a Young Man with a Curiously Furry Little Problem

 

 

I am _completely_ exhausted. It must have been one hell of a full moon because I haven’t felt like this in months. I try and maintain some dignity in my steps until I breach the Infirmary doors. Out of sight of the over attentive Pomfrey I allow myself to stagger back to the Gryffindor Common Room. That nice big couch in front of the fire, that’s what I’m looking forward to. And perhaps being petted by Emmeline, she’s rather good at that. I’m such a bloody house pet sometimes. But I think some serious comfort will be in order. After all, visiting my sick uncle was exhausting. And that’s the third time this year.

I’m in favor of my relationship with Emmeline. She’s a little shallow, and certainly not the type of girl I could see myself seriously involved with. But she’s sweet and light hearted which is a good balance for my occasional maudlin tendencies. And I would be lying if I didn’t admit that her nature to be less than academic is a huge relief for me. My last girlfriend was a little too clever and seemed close to catching onto my trend of disappearing around the full moon before I broke it off.

I take a deep breath and let out a heavy sigh. Emmeline _is_ sweet. And it isn’t that I don’t enjoy certain physical perks to a relationship with her. But there are times when I’m feeling particularly fanciful where I imagine having a serious relationship with someone for once. Actually letting a girl get to know me completely, lycanthropy and all. I scoff to myself. The second you told her, Remus, that would be the end of it. And you know that.

Still, there are times. Especially as I see James and Lily together, the way they seem to be continuously changing one another, becoming more and more open with each other and themselves. Lily let herself relax and James sets some of his arrogance aside, no longer needing the false confidence to support himself. But I can’t hope for support that way. Because what girl would ever boost me up, knowing what I am? Werewolves are not known for their wonderfully decadent love lives.

I shake the thoughts from my head. Now is not the time to mope, just think about that warm fire. I stumble through the castle till I reach the Fat Lady, who, due to my generous exhaustion, is looking quite lovely tonight.

“Lace Wing Flies,” I murmur as she tuts over my appearance.

I practically topple into the Common Room to find it stricken with an eerie silence. I look around to find my friends sitting by the fire with ominous expressions plastered on their faces.

Another death, I think immediately. But no, they’re all looking to me as if it’s me that should be upset. James and Sirius look up to see me, perplexed and worn, and their faces are riddled with an assortment of complicated emotions I’m too tired to decode. Then Emmeline looks at me and I meet her eyes, hoping for a clue. I see concern immediately which is quickly replaced by anger and disgust and shame. She looks away and a horrible sensation runs through me. _She knows._ She’s figured me out. And now, quite obviously, she hates me.

Lily stands; looking distressed, and runs up into the girls’ dormitory and slowly, one by one, the Marauders head for the stairs. James stops before going up.

“We’ll make sure you get some privacy,” he rasps and then disappears around a corner.

I know now that there’s very little chance that the fantasy of rest and relaxation I was having only minutes ago, is going to be a reality.

“How did you find out?” I ask Emmeline gently. Lily knew I was a werewolf, but she would never have told. If I’m careful I might be able to at least salvage our friendship. Perhaps she’ll only be angry that I’ve lied…or perhaps not. 

“I followed you. I was suspicious.”

A shot of bitterness runs through me and I can’t help but think that this means Emmeline was a little smarter than I gave her credit for being. Yet still, it explains very little but I can see that for now, it’s all she’s going to tell me.

“I take it you’re upset I didn’t tell you?” It’s obvious by now that this is a horribly optimistic statement. I can see what’s in her eyes and it is certainly not disappointment for being lied to.

Emmeline makes an ugly noise somewhere between a choke and a laugh. Her face is twisted with derision and distaste. I find it strangely fascinating how quickly she can go from being bewitching and attractive to cruel and unappealing.

“No,” she snorts, “No, I know why you keep it a secret. You should. But how could you ever…?”

Despite my exhaustion, my temper, that I work so hard to control, flares slightly in defense. Part of me agrees with her, I am disgusting. But that doesn’t mean I want to hear it.

“How could I ever what, Emmeline?” I ask in a sharp tone. I’m tired and in pain. Now is not a good time for this conversation. If it could have been tomorrow even I might have been able to feign a sort of meek sorrow and the self-disgust that I will surely feel by the time we are done tonight.

“How could you ever presume that I would want to be associated with someone like you?

“Someone like what? What am I?” I take a deep breath. I need to calm down, if only a little. Being aggressive won’t make her any more sympathetic to me.

“You’re a _monster,_ Remus!!” She shouts hysterically.

The air sweeps out of me. It’s exactly what I expect her to say, what I hypothesized all the girls I’ve dated would have said if I had ever mussed up the courage to tell them. And maybe I did goad her into saying; part of me had to hear it. To know for sure that it was exactly what she was thinking. And why shouldn’t she? Deep down I completely agree with her. Which is why my lycanthropy has always been kept the strictest secret. I can’t help but wonder what it is that tipped this girl off so successfully.

“Fine,” I say stonily. It isn’t that she’s hurt me per se. I never expected any less from her, so she hasn’t surprised me either. And even if she had caught me off guard and not held a prejudice against me, would it have made any difference about how I felt for her? Would the idea of her being as forgiving and accepting as the Marauders and Lily make up for the fact that she was, at times, vapid and dull? Probably not.

“Are you going to tell anyone?” I guess that’s all I can really salvage in the end. Her judgment is…unpleasant. But it would be more so if I knew she was capable of ruining my life because it.

“Lily made me swear not to,” Emmeline says with a bitter edge. Knowing Lily there would be some heavy handed hexes if Emmeline were to renege on an oath.

So. That’s the end of that. I feel a twinge of disappointment and a wave of self directed anger. Note to self, no more delightful blondes. And buy Lily a really extravagant Christmas present. 

I consider briefly giving Emmeline the speech the Marauders give me when I indulge in a little self-loathing. The one that reminds me that I never _chose_ to be a werewolf and that all I can do is be myself and prove stereotypes wrong. A stab of annoyance pricks away at this idea. No, I don’t really give a shit what Emmeline thinks of me. Well…scratch that, I _hate_ that she couldn’t prove my fears wrong and like me despite my lycanthropy. But I’m not going to try to change her mind on the subject. She’s not worth the time when it comes down to it. There’s never been a girl I would have fought for.

“Goodnight, Emmeline. I’m very tired,” I say weakly. I gather up my strength and storm up the stairs before she can answer. I ignore the hopeful looks from my friends and retreat to my bed, shutting the curtains behind me.

“What a bloody princess,” Peter mutters with surprising fierceness.

“Bloody bitch, is more like it,” I hear James mutter.

I look forward slightly to the tirade against Emmeline that will ensue tomorrow with my friends. It’s ironic considering they were the ones who encouraged me to date her in the first place.

“It doesn’t matter,” Sirius says, surprising me with a chipper tone. Typically he would be the harshest. He has always been the most protective of our egos. He continues, “He’s going to do much better.”

I’m used to Sirius’ unwavering confidence but I can’t help but feeling that he’s wrong this time. I want nothing to do with the opposite sex and their fickleness.

***

I tap my toes impatiently on the stone floor, waiting for Calliope to meet me in our practice room. Not that I intend on actually practicing today. Not in the foul mood I’m stuck in after my break up with Emmeline from two days ago. Apparently since she was unable to ruin my good name by giving away my secret she decided that ruining it with a scandalous rumor about me cheating was a better way to go. Anyways, Calliope and I have been working mercilessly for a month now and I can tell we both need a break from the circus tumbles and joke hexes gone awry. Not to mention I feel a strange need to reinstate myself as Calliope’s first and foremost Marauder friend after all the time she’s been spending with Sirius.

The door opens and I feel tension ease out of me. Calliope, while being occasionally mysterious and complex, is honest to the point of bluntness and surprisingly relaxing for me to be around. Yet instead of the moccasin feet with mismatched gray knee socks and the long kilt skirt uniform, in walks a pair of black and white sneakers and long legs in a pair of skin tight black jeans. It’s Calliope, but it isn’t. She still has on her loose white shirt and Hufflepuff tie but rather than hiding behind her long hair, it’s pulled back into a high bouncy pony tail. She gives me an unfamiliar sly, knowing smirk. There’s a light in her eyes I’ve never seen before…not a light. There’s life in her eyes again. Not flickering in and out like usual, but steady and fierce.

“I’m not sure I ought to be meeting the most notorious Marauder in an abandoned classroom,” She says but enters casually and sits at a desk as if she already knows that I have no intention of working today.

I raise my eyebrows, “Don’t you mean Sirius?”

Calliope drops her gaze and instantly feels more familiar to me. She slouches shyly into her seat and spreads her ridiculously long legs out into my line of vision. Okay. Maybe not _that_ familiar. She shakes her head.

“I heard Emmeline’s version of your break up,” Calliope says quietly, as if to test my reaction to the topic.

I notice immediately her phrasing, “Emmeline’s version”, as if it should count for very little.

“What makes you think there are other versions?” I tease her. 

She looks at me in surprise, maybe even disappointment. I panic to myself for a second; I don’t actually want Calliope to think I would ever cheat on a girlfriend. Her expression passes and she’s back to unreadable Calliope.

“Who was the other girl?” She asks immediately.

I open my mouth but nothing comes out in my surprise. I couldn’t actually subject a girl to the derision of the entire school by accusing her. And it doesn’t occur to me quickly enough to refuse to name anyone out of a sense of honor. Calliope has caught me, but she’s always been a little too smart for me.

“Shouldn’t you be offering me condolences?” There’s something about my tone that’s less mournful and more…flirtatious? 

Calliope seems to disregard or mistake the joke for a serious question. She shrugs and looks me right in the eye. “You didn’t really suit each other.”

We didn’t? She doesn’t seem to be joking although it would probably be impossible to tell if she was.

“How so?” I find myself asking.

She smiles secretively as if she’s telling a private joke, “You need someone with more substance.”

Ha! Too right.

“Do you want to know my version of the break up?” I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing at this point. I wouldn’t actually tell her the reason. Perhaps I’m just curious to see if she’s curious.

“Do you want to tell me?” she asks, calling me on my bluff. I stay silent and she smiles her simple, quiet, awkward, uncomfortable smile. “I didn’t think so,” she says.

Wow. She’s good. I’m underestimating her. There are times, like when we were together at her house when I’m aware that I know very little about Calliope and I recognize that at any moment she is capable of surprising me. For whatever reason, upon coming back to the castle I seem to be expecting her to lose all of her potential for catching me off guard. Which of course means she does it twice as often.

“It was silly actually,” I tell her. I’ll make up a story. I want her to feel like I trust her, because in some ways I do. Although not with everything. “We were arguing about…we were arguing about werewolves.” 

Hmm… perhaps not the most original topic. Not the best idea either.

Calliope looks at me as if I’m perhaps a little unbalanced and says, “You were trying to have a moral discussion about werewolves with _Emmeline Vance_?”

I laugh at her skeptical tone. “So Calliope, what do _you_ think of werewolves?” I’m being a complete idiot. Especially with how easily she caught on about the Marauder’s Map I used for our run in with Filch. Something about her puts me too much at ease, as if I was with the Marauders. But I can’t help but wonder, actually. I assume she’ll say something to the effect of “Yeah, sucks for them, but don’t let one near me.” It’d certainly be less judgmental than most opinions, if not a little too generous.

“What exactly about them are we debating?” Calliope asks calmly.

I’m taken a little off guard. “Umm…first thing that comes to your head.”

Calliope tilts her head to the side and narrows her eyes in thought and I find my eyes sneaking another peak at her legs. They just look so…flexible. There’s got to be some sort of super human ability you inherit with legs that long. Calliope startles me out of my daydream by answering my question.

“I think…well immediately I think, from an outsider’s view, once a month doesn’t seem that bad.”

Yeah. From an outsider’s view.

“But,” she continues, “imagine actually _having_ lycanthropy. That’s an awful lot of time to spend as something you aren’t. Or at least something you weren’t initially. But I’m not sure; perhaps part of you would feel somehow connected to the wolf. It’s hard to imagine.”

Wow.

She’s hit it on the head. James and Sirius always look forward to the full moon, wishing it happened more often. I, on the other hand, can’t help but dread it despite the excitement the wolf inside of me experiences…or perhaps because of. 

I can’t help but notice how conversational she’s being. I try to remember another time where Calliope and I have talked like this, but nothing comes up. I want to keep grilling her, keeping her speaking.

“But you wouldn’t want a werewolf at work with you, would you?” Or at school?

Calliope frowns at me, “They aren’t werewolves unless it’s a full moon. Anyways, you shouldn’t classify someone based on a condition they can’t control.”

My heart is beating wildly. “And if a were…if someone with lycanthropy walked in right now and announced themselves, what would you do?”

Calliope laughs, “Ask them not to bite me in three weeks time? I don’t know. I just don’t see what the big deal is the other twenty-seven days of a moon cycle when they’re just people.”

I look to my lap to hide my surprise and happiness. I’ve _never_ heard anyone dismiss the taboo against werewolves who didn’t already know that I was one and was trying to cheer me up.

“There are only dangerous lycans because there are dangerous people,” She says.

“I agree,” I say with a smile, meeting her eyes which are now familiar without being too familiar due to the renewed energy inside them. “I completely agree.”

***

I keep to my room lately. Emmeline seems to have claimed the Common Room for the sole purpose of having unlimited opportunities to glare at me. The animal inside me says to just bare my teeth and give her a nice growl. But I’ve kept the animal at bay from my social life since my first year at Hogwarts. Emmeline really isn’t worth breaking the tradition.

Lily has found a rift between herself and her girl friends due to the fact that she refuses to snub me. Perhaps because she knows that Emmeline’s tale of my adultery is a complete fabrication. Secretly Emmeline is doing me a favor, turning me from the sweet gentle Marauder to the untrustworthy cheat. It’ll keep girls away from me, which will keep my secret safe. Except in the case of Calliope I suppose, which means I’ll just have to be a little more careful about what I say to her. No more quizzing her on her opinions of werewolves. Not that I need to, I’m more than happy with her recent answers. I was ever so slightly tempted to just give myself away to her that night, but I know that it’s one thing for her to hypothesize and quite another to actually be faced with the reality. And I would hate to lose her friendship.

“Are you still brooding over that wench?”

I look up and grin. Sirius of all my friends has been by far the most dismissive and harsh towards Emmeline. And he’s certainly been the most entertaining.

“Only a little,” I admit, omitting that for every thought I had of Emmeline’s cruelty to me, there was another of Calliope. Of her dismissal of Emmeline’s opinion, or how little Calliope thought of the compatibility between Emmeline and I. Of her refusal to see werewolves as anything but people with a troublesome condition. A furry little problem, as my friends liked to call it.

“Well cut it out. We have to come up with a plan,” Sirius says, laying himself out across my bed.

“What sort of plan?” I ask, setting my work aside. I’m in the mood for some mischief for once.

“We have to find you the perfect date to the dance,” Sirius tells me with an innocent smile.

I let myself growl at Sirius. I was never particularly enthused about the dance and had only considered it at Emmeline’s insistence. The last thing I want is another girl on my arm. Another expected relationship and another impending emotional disaster. So, no. No, thank you. I’d really rather not.

“I’m not going to the dance,” I say.

“Actually you are,” Sirius says with a stubborn tone. “And you’re going to eat at the Gryffindor table and sit in the Common Room and stop allowing Emmeline to act as if you’ve done something wrong. Because you haven’t. And it’s not your fault that the girl is too stupid to see past your … problem.”

Because that’s what it’s about, my ‘problem.’ Because it’s too much for anyone to bear, or even think about. They should try living it.

“Besides, you need someone with more substance,” Sirius says casually.

Funny, that’s the second time I’ve heard that this week.

“Emmeline stained my good name,” I remind Sirius.

“Not _everyone_ thinks that Emmeline Vance is the end all and be all of female opinion,” Sirius drawls.

I know he’s right, even if I am determined to argue my way through this whole process. I can’t deny that Calliope is a perfectly good example of this.

“Like who?” I test him.

“Anyone who isn’t Emmeline Vance.”

I laugh. Sirius always could use humor to win me over to his argument. 

“So. Theoretically speaking,” I say with a smirk, “If I _were_ to go to this ball, who is this fabulous date I would go with?”

Sirius gives this thought and then grins cheekily at me, “Dorcas is available.”

I roll my eyes, “Thanks for offering your sloppy seconds. But no, no Gryffindor girls this time.”

Sirius laughs, “Fair enough. What about that Ravenclaw, Andrea Dunkiss?”

I clear my throat at the mere mention of her name. That girl’s curves could knock out a hormonal boy from a mile away. “Too close to the full moon. I can’t take anyone who the wolf is likely to try and ravage.”

“Oh! Well no one’s asked Emily Whitmer yet.”

“Sirius! That girl has more metal packed into one smile than the Hogwarts armor,” I feel a little guilt at my harsh words. Still. “Besides, she wouldn’t be in danger of attempted seduction but I can’t say the same for myself.”

Sirius huffs, “So what you’re saying is that you want a looker you yourself aren’t attracted to, who you know won’t make it emotionally awkward?”

I nod; happy he’s finally caught on.

“Yeah girls like that don’t exist. You might as well take me.”

“Well that would certainly cause a public commotion,” I say dryly as Sirius sits up with an expression I know means he’s come up with an either brilliant or dangerous idea. “What? You don’t actually want anyone thinking we’re poufs do you?”

“What!? No. I’ve just thought of someone. But she might be a bit much for the wolf.” Sirius says.

I raise my eyebrows, instinctively interested in hearing about someone attractive. “Who?”

Sirius grins at me, “Our favorite little voluntary mute!”

Huh? “Calliope? You want me to take Calliope?” Sure she’s pretty. And okay, yes, maybe I have been a little distracted lately by her legs…and I might have noticed myself admiring her bone structure during Astronomy the other day. Still. She can be so shy in groups; it’d be like taking a shadow.

“Think about it, mate. Cal’s a looker. Remember her in that little fluorescent number from the prefect’s bathroom?”

My eyes widen slightly, I had actually forgotten about that. I was a little focused on Emmeline that night. That said, I do remember quite well the way she slipped that dress over her body in a completely casual way as if she wasn’t wearing only underwear underneath. But she definitely was. Not to mention how painfully aware I was of her body while we were pressed up against each other in that cupboard. So yeah, she’s quite fit.

“You said you wanted someone platonic,” Sirius reminds me.

In reality there’s absolutely nothing to object to. Calliope is good looking. We _are_ just friends. Still, I feel some sense of apprehension. After all, the last time I danced with Calliope she ended up crying.

“Unless, of course, you think she’s _too_ fit?” Sirius says suggestively.

“You think I couldn’t keep my hands to myself around her of all people?” I scoff.

Sirius only shrugs and looks at me with a challenge in his eyes.

“I’m just not sure she’s really up to Marauder par, socially that is.” I grimace at my own words. I didn’t mean for them to sound so shallow. I know perfectly well that Calliope is far too good for any of us. “She’s just awkward, I mean. Not one on one but in groups, sometimes.”

Sirius frowns at me, losing his joking attitude. I can tell that my harsh criticism to our mutual friend bothers him as much as it does me.

“You’re underestimating her, Remus,” Sirius says without a hint of mirth. “You’re summarizing her behavior based on what we’ve seen of her, which has primarily been while she was mourning her best friend and parents. You know as well as I do that’s there’s more to her than that.”

I sigh and nod, dropping my head. It’s a weird feeling being chastised by Sirius of all people. And I already know perfectly well that he’s right, the other night Calliope was practically playful. I have absolutely no reason to complain about the idea of spending more time with her. I would love to spend more time with her. Actually, the idea of taking her to the dance sounds fantastic. She’s the only girl I know who simultaneously sets me at ease and continuously surprises me. 

It occurs to me then that my reluctance to agree to the set up is strangely enough due to the fact that I’m almost a little too eager to accept. I’m not worried about Calliope making me feel awkward. It took ages before she really warmed up to me, there’s no chance she’d ever cause a messy emotional problem. There’s barely even a decent chance of her accepting me if I did invite her to the dance. 

I shake off my apprehension. Sirius is right, Calliope is a safe bet. She’s too casual and platonic to be in danger of the wolf, and I’m not charming enough to be in danger of an awkward romantic complication. And the fact that she’s currently the only girl, aside from Lily, I actually enjoy talking to only makes the prospect of a horrible dance with cheesy decorations and sappy songs a little more welcoming.

“Alright,” I say finally and a grin spreads out over Sirius’ face, “We’ll just see if she accepts.”

 

_AN: Ooo Remus chapter yay. Read, Enjoy, Review._


	11. The Scenery At Hogwarts

  


Chapter Eleven

The Scenery at Hogwarts

Melody and I wander aimlessly through the greenhouses, our class won‘t start for another twenty minutes. November is getting chilly, as is to be expected, but the greenhouses remain tropical as ever. I tread carefully over the glass tile floor. It isn’t common knowledge to the whole school but certain greenhouse floors are actually the ceiling to the Hufflepuff Common Room. On more than one occasion I’ve found randy third years climbing up the Common Room walls trying to get a good look up students skirts.

Melody is talking my ear off as usual, it seems that when I indulge her in responses it encourages her more than before. We take our seats next to the water garden where we’ve learned that the miniature water fall will drown out most of Melody’s chatter. Melody’s vocal hum stops abruptly and I look up to see Remus saunter into the greenhouse.

Funny, he doesn’t have this class with Hufflepuffs. I can’t help but notice he’s looking oddly suave and un-Remus-ish. For one thing, sauntering is not a Remus Lupin past time, shuffling is common as well as a loping gait when he’s in a good mood. Struts, sashays and saunters belong to Sirius and James. He’s also got this funny smile on his face. I’m used to his quirked eyebrow and crooked grin, his face has a tendency towards asymmetrical expression. This smile is oddly…perfect.

“Calliope, you’re looking positively glowing today!” He says in a loud, charming voice, making his way towards us.

I am? I’m wearing the uniform, and since I’m not expecting Sirius to sneak up on me today I have my hair down and in my face where I like it.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of finding you here most auspiciously?” Remus asks with that oddly well formed face appendage.

“I have class soon. What are you doing here?” I ask with blunt force. It occurs to me a little late to try to be as equally charming. Remus has been acting a little off ever since breaking up with Emmeline. I should encourage a good mood in him, however offsetting I might find it.

“Looking for you,” he tells me in a tone that borders on a coo. He stops in front of our table and leans over, his face inches away from mine and props up his chin with his hands. 

I feel a loopy grin growing on my face as all my insides go to mush. I don’t really care whether or not Remus has decided to adopt the facial expression of a car salesman provided he always stands this close to me. Still, a logical part of me rears it’s ugly head, if he was looking for me, why bother to ask “to what do I owe the pleasure?” Obviously, he owes the pleasure to his initiative to come find me.

Remus reaches out a hand and takes a lock of my hair and begins to twirl it around his index finger.

“I do love your hair down,” he murmurs.

Oh heaven, had I known you would be so sweet I would have arrived sooner! A girlish giggle escapes me and I slap a hand over my mouth. Stay cool, Calliope.

“Umm…thanks.”

Ah. Brilliant. He’ll be remembering that line for years.

“Calliope, love, I have a dreadful favor to ask you,” Remus says sweetly.

AH HA! That’s why he’s being so nice.

“Anything,” I breathe.

Seriously!? Did I just say that??? I sound like a third year gushing over Sirius.

“Come to the Holiday Ball with me.”

My eyes widen. My jaw drops and my face spreads into a painful, genuine grin.

“I would love to!”

Sirius would kill me if he saw me acting this way. But seriously, the closest thing I’ve had to flirting with Remus Lupin in the three and a half years that I’ve loved him, was him dancing with me while I was completely consumed with grief and utterly distracted. So while cliché hair twirling, and snarky grins might not be the Remus Lupin I know and love, I can’t say it isn’t a little exciting.

Remus smiles and leans back flashing me a wink before disappearing into thin air.

Huh? Wait. Repeat that.

Remus smiles (Okay, yes, lovely.) and leans back flashing me a wink (Right, little sleazy, but fine.) before disappearing into thin air. (And yet again I am lost.)

Remus just…vanished. After asking me to the dance, but still! Vanishing is vanishing and therefore strange regardless of the fortunate circumstances it follows. I turn slowly, my eyes narrowing as I hear Melody’s laughter ringing through the greenhouse.

“What?” I grind out, “In the name of Merlin, tell me what just occurred.”

“That, Calliope darling, was an illusion.”

“Oh, bloody hell.” I never used to curse. It’s all his fault! 

I turn to see Sirius, I should have known, leaning casually against the door frame.

“And it won’t be the only one,” Sirius tells me.

It’s obvious now that I know. I mean, really. Remus? Sauntering? I think not.

But I fell for it pretty hard while it was happening, I remind myself.

“What do you mean it won’t be the only one?” I ask.

“Remus Lupin is going to ask you to the ball,” Sirius says.

“He sort of just did,” I reply.

“Yes well that one didn’t count, obviously. That was a test.”

“A test?”

“To see if you could accept his invitation coolly and calmly,” Sirius tells me as though it’s obvious.

“But, it was tricky!” I protest and Sirius looks at me with skepticism. “Remus would never have played with my hair.”

“Not that she would mind if he did,” Melody snorts and goes back to her obnoxious guffawing.

“You have to be prepared for anything, Cal,” Sirius says. “When I’m done with you Albus Dumbledore could ask you to the dance and you wouldn’t even blink an eye. We can’t have you coming off as a fan girl, Remus isn’t ready to know how you feel about him yet.”

I sigh. Fair enough, I’m not really ready to have Remus know how I feel either. Although I can’t help but think that Dumbledore asking me to the dance is almost more likely than Remus.

“So now I’m just going to keep running into Remus until you think I’m ready to be asked?”

Sirius smiles and nods but there’s something hidden behind it. I’m too disappointed from finding out that I wasn’t really asked to argue his secret out of him.

“Remus is really going to ask though? I’m not going to go through countless humiliations just to find out that he’s decided he’d rather go stag?” I ask.

Sirius only scoffs, “Remus couldn’t pull off stag!”

***

Remus Lupin was in the dungeons. Remus Lupin was in the library. Remus was on the lawn by the lake. He was in at least half the corridors I walked through. He was standing by the sink after I left the loo. He was hiding behind the same statue I happened to be hiding behind in order to avoid anotherRemus who had appeared only moments before.He was in a broom cupboard I accidentally entered, and I was half tempted to keep him there, mildly curious to know what Sirius would do when I started snogging his fake Remus. I could call it practice.

Remus Lupin was, plain and simple, everywhere. The scenery at Hogwarts was quite nice these days.

Sometimes Remus acted very much like Sirius, like the first Remus I had encountered. Sometimes he was a bit like James while chasing Lily. Sometimes he was nervous and stuttered and reminded me of Peter. Some Remus’ were hilariously charming and funny. Some were blunt and slightly rude. Some knelt down and praised my virtues, others listed my vices. A handful were very much like the real Remus I knew, those were always the hardest to stay calm for.

I learned very quickly that a simple “Sure, that sounds like fun,” was the desired response. I had the longest break between Remus’ when my replies were consistently cool and collected and unruffled. Occasionally I would indulge in the fact that these were not in fact the real boy I was in love with. I actually professed my love to one, that’s when I was swamped by two Remus’ at once. Sirius’ form of revenge.

But in the end, one after the other, they disappeared and I knew for sure that it had never been real. The stabs of disappointment grew a little less sharp.

I sit out by the lake, it seems a safe spot considering I had already been accosted by one Remus here. Anyways I’m more or less sure that Sirius has finished the lesson, I barely bat an eyelash now when Remus appears. I need a bit of a break from so much Remus, even if most of the time it’s quite obvious that they aren’t real. I lay down on the grass and take a few deep breaths as if trying to pull peace into myself.

“Can I join you?” an increasingly familiar voice asks me.

Ah. Not finished yet, I see.

“Of course,” I say opening my eyes to see what would appear to most to be your average Remus Lupin.

The Remus sits down next to me and looks out over for the water. Interesting, this is a new approach for Sirius. I relax and set my head back down, I’ll let the illusion talk when he wants to. I’ve got time.

“Do you have a date for the dance?” it asks me.

Yes, many.

“No, I’m not sure if I’m going,” I answer.

“Do you want to?”

I shrug. These are new questions for me, but I know how I need to respond anyways, “I could be persuaded. I’m sure Melody will try.”

The Remus laughs, “Think I could persuade you to come with me? As friends.”

I answer on reflex, “Sure, it’ll be fun.” Now I’m alone again. Sort of relieving, sort of disappointing.

“Really?” it asks in surprise.

My eyes pop open to see Remus Lupin, quite possibly the _real_ Remus Lupin still sitting next to me. I swallow and force myself to believe that it’s just the last test.

“Why not?” I ask.

Remus smiles at me, and it hitches ever so slightly up on the right side.

Bless him, it’s the real one! He takes a deep breath and lets it out, looking back out over the water.

“Thanks, Calliope. I won’t dread the whole affair if I’m there with you.”

I keep my eyes closed and only let the smallest smile onto my face. I want to tell him that I wouldn’t have been able to go if it anyone else had asked me. That I’ve been waiting since dances were invented for the chance to go to one with him. That I’m still half expecting him to disappear any second.

“I know what you mean,” I say quietly.

Dread is not an option. I will be walking on air the entire night, even if he only dances with me just once.

“By the way,” I say, a grin sneaking it’s way over my peaceful complexion, “I promise not to cry this time.”

Remus laughs and flops onto the grass next to me, stretching his body out. I know for sure that he won’t be vanishing into thin air this time.

“Provided you don’t step on my toes,” I amend, happy to hear him laugh again.

He groans through his quiet laughter, “I’m a terrible dancer!”

“I’m quite good,” I boast and Remus shoves me gently.

We lay quietly. My right side is acutely aware of his presence, but not in a way that bothers me. It’s a sort of comforting heat in the slight November chill. He isn’t so close that it could be taken for anything but platonic, nor is he far away enough to seem guarded. If rolled to my side we would be close, it would be a suggestively flirtatious move without being aggressive. But I stay as I am.

“Would you teach me?” I hear him ask.

I’ve lost track of the conversation, “Teach you what?”

“How to dance.”

He says the funniest things sometimes. 

***

“Did you know that Remus is now a veritable dancing queen?”

I’m reviewing all the spells and joke hexes I need in my mind when Sirius so rudely, as usual, interrupts me. I sit forward and open my eyes to find Remus at my side and Sirius turned in his chair talking to me.

“Pardon?”

“He dances,” Sirius says. “In the halls, in our dorm, I think he dances in the shower.”

“I definitely dance in the shower,” Remus affirms with a smile.

Needless to say I had been wrong to suppose that Remus would be awkward and stilted when I tried to teach him to dance. He took to it after only a short bit of stalling and hesitation

“Ah,” I say, “That’s nice.”

“Sirius is just jealous,” Remus assures me. “He never could do more than a little head bopping.”

“Bopping is not a word,” Sirius growls.

“It’s dancing vocabulary,” Remus returns. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Are you sure we should finish the duel with the you-know-what?” I ask Remus. “It’s just, we’ve never actually tried it and-”

Remus sets his hand down on mine and I swallow my words.

“It’ll be fantastic, Calliope.” He leans in and whispers in my ear, “If it doesn’t work we’ll play it off and if it does than we’ll have the whole class in the palm of our hand.”

“You’re doomed,” Sirius tells me in a chipper tone before Remus extends a long arm and hits his friend upside the head. “No, really,” Sirius continues, “No one can compare to what Melody and I have planned.”

“Aha, you’re wrong there Padfoot, my friend,” James says, taking a seat with Lily behind Remus and I. “Just wait till you see Lily’s Jelly-Leg Jinx.”

“Jelly-Legs?” Sirius scoffs, “That’s child’s play.”

Remus and I share an identically skeptical eye brow raising. James and Sirius look at Remus expectantly, waiting for him to brag.

“Er,” Remus starts, “Calliope’s quite good with an Expelliarmus.”

The Marauders all laugh as Remus gives me a conspiratorial smile. Remus and I have been slaves to this choreography for months now. If, and it’s a pretty significant if, _if_ everything works smoothly together we’re likely to be the toast of the town…or this particularly section of Defense. But there’s a perfectly good chance of something going wrong and the situation getting very, very messy.

The Professor calls class to order before the performances begin. Seeing as how the worst students were paired with the best students, the mediocre students were left together. Overall the first few sets of students to perform their duels were quite good. There was nothing particularly flashy or exciting about any of them, just solid Defense work. The kind of performance that would receive solid marks but not leave an impression. If I had been to class the day we were paired off I could have done that. Blended into the woodwork and taken and A or E but not an O for a grade.

But then you would never have gotten to know Remus, I tell myself. He wouldn’t have bothered to try so hard to speak to you and you would still be completely alone. Well. You would have Melody, but it’s likely that she would have grown tired of your persistent silence.

Enough! No more introspection. I take out my notebook and began to list out our choreography to keep my mind focused. I hear the class laugh and glance up briefly to see Peter caught unawares by a hex before continuing on my quest for concentration. I later hear gasps of fear and know without looking up that either James or Sirius is causing trouble. Provided everyone comes out more or less unscathed, it should be fine. I’ve run through the duel at least three times when Remus finally nudges me gently.

“We’re up,” He tells me, rising from his seat and moving to the front of the classroom.

I stay rooted in my seat as gradually the class turns to me. They think I’m too scared to go up. With a sly smile I’ve only recently mastered I pull my wand out of my pocket. I give the wand and intricate and flowery flourish and watch as Remus’ shoe laces knot themselves together and he stumbles down onto the floor.

And so it begins! I feel a little blossom of excitement grow and some of my nervousness edges away.

Remus jerks his head and gives me a well practiced glare before shooting a spell at my head. My hair stands straight on end as I stand in mock anger. I can see the dawning understanding grow over the faces of my classmates and Professor Wallace. They’re about to see a show. I move into the aisle and Remus and I both use a quick swish of our wands to get rid of the hair and shoelaces, we form our dueling positions with wicked grins on our faces.

We move through the class shooting joke spells and defensive counters at one another, deliberately stepping between students who duck for cover and laugh as water balloons land haphazardly around them. I realize that it’s actually more fun with everyone watching and laughing, it takes off the pressure to be perfect. Remus catches me with a slippery banana and I retaliate with a flock of rotten tomatoes which he dodges away from. The tomatoes hit a crowd of Hufflepuff boys including Richard Durocher. Ha. Lovely.

We continue our dance through the room and I realize that we’re being cheered on. I even think I hear a few girls cheering my name. Remus places himself in front of Sirius just as I had previously asked and I cast my favorite spell with a delighted smile. I watch in shock as a cream pie flies directly towards Remus’ head. He’s supposed to move so it hits Sirius!! But Remus seems to be staring at me until suddenly-

Splat!!

There’s a huge burst of laughter as Remus quickly wipes away a majority of the pie and we continue, Remus now grinning madly. He’s going to get back at me for that one, I fear. After a complicated series of shield charms and Reducto’s we find ourselves standing back where we started, me at the back of the class in the aisle and him at the front. 

Okay, here goes. Just play it off if you crash and burn. 

Remus twists his wand and a slick trail of oil lines itself down the aisle. I shoot a clown shoe curse at him and he parries it, sending the shoes back onto my feet. I hesitate for a moment, not entirely sure if I want to go through with this.

Just do it, Calliope.

I run forward with gathering confidence and as my feet give way underneath me on the oil I bend my knees. I slide across the oil slowly gaining my balance until I reach a graceful glide. I perform a gentle Expelliarmus and catch Remus’ wand in my hand as I slip across the floor. As my feet skid back onto plain stone I charge forward and point my wand to Remus’ throat as he raises his hand in surrender.

We did it!!

I smile up into his pie smeared face, completely ecstatic. He’s grinning back at me and I can tell that he’s proud of me for going through with the oil slick. We had never practiced it before. I reach up and steal a bit of cream from Remus temple with my finger. I taste it experimentally and smile at Remus in approval. He’s staring quite intently at me as everyone around us is clapping and laughing. 

“Ms. DeSole, Mr. Lupin, that was charming and well executed. Thank you for that performance,” Professor Wallace interrupts my prized moment as Remus turns and blinks at the Professor.

“That was bloody brilliant!!” Sirius cheers.

Remus and I move back to our seats and I see that the Marauders have saved him a spot. My heart slows as I look to the back and see the table that formerly belonged to Remus and I, empty. 

It’s over. No more Thursday practices or Library meetings and secret plans. I hadn’t really thought about what would happen when the project ended. But it’s obvious now, Remus will go back to sitting with Peter and Melody will join me to gossip through class.

Remus sits down at the table and we share a fleeting smile as I start to pass. Suddenly a hand wraps itself around my wrist.

“You don’t get rid of me that easy, Calliope,” Remus says with a grin. He pulls me down to sit precariously on the edge of the seat.

“I’ve been thinking,” Remus says to me, making room for me on the tiny seat we’re sharing. “I’ll still have Thursdays free and I could keep helping you with Defense if you were willing to help me with Astronomy. Like a trade off on weeks.”

“What makes you think I’ll still need help with Defense?” I ask with a growing smile.

“What makes you think I’ll need help with Astronomy?” Remus returns.

I look to him slightly confused and see the mischievous glint in his eyes. He just wants to spend time with me!! I cheer inwardly. He just making an excuse, and letting me know it too. I smile widely and look away.

“I have a feeling,” I say, “that you aren‘t really giving me a choice.”

 

 

_AN: Sorry about the rather randomly timed updates. My internet has been pretty wack lately. Anyways, Read Enjoy and Review!_


	12. All Eyes On Us

  


Chapter Twelve

All Eyes On Us

 

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Calliope DeSole

__

It’s the night before the dreaded Holiday Ball. Well, not dreaded I suppose. The atmosphere in the seventh year Hufflepuff girls dormitory is just a little intense. Penelope and Melody are frantically rushing around the room but as far as I can tell they aren’t actually accomplishing anything. They’ve assigned themselves in charge of my appearance, which simultaneously allows them to feel misused and unable to take care of their own ensembles for tomorrow night. Sirius himself has assigned me to spend every free moment in my dress. He says I need to wear it like it’s a second skin. I try not to question him anymore, it only leads to more confusion.

“There really isn’t a lot that needs to be done,” I protest as they fret.

“We should paint her nails.”

“Her eyebrows could use a good pluck, but I’m rotten at that.”

“Oi! Nancy, could you help Calliope with her eyebrows? She’s going to the dance with Remus Lupin,” Penelope calls to a friend of hers.

Nancy, a girl with mousy reddish hair looks up suddenly and stares at me.

“ _The_ Remus Lupin?” she asks.

“There are others?” Penelope retorts for me.

I roll my eyes, remembering all the Remus’ I had encountered before the real Remus actually invited me to the dance. Melody smirks, knowing what I’m thinking about.

“Well done to you then,” Nancy says moving towards me in what I can only take as a threatening manner considering the way she’s wielding the tweezers. “Liz,” She says to our last roommate, “Hold back her bangs for me.”

And they pounce.

It seems that each of my roommates has a particular talent. Nancy can create perfect eyebrows. Penelope’s facials could make a sailor’s skin glow and Liz specializes in perfectly rounded, well polished nails. Melody knows quite a few tricks with her wand to make a dress perfectly smooth without a single pucker or wrinkle. She sits down next to me to watch my wildly turquoise nails dry.

“I’ve got another surprise for you,” Melody says with a smile, “But I think I have to ask your permission first.”

Uh oh. Typically Melody would just act and then hope that I forgave her later, which I would. If it’s serious enough that she feels like she needs to ask my permission then I could be in for some trouble.

“What sort of surprise?” I ask tentatively.

“Well you see, I got this book of spells on how to do different things with hair. And I’ve practiced this one a lot so I know I wouldn’t mess it up or anything. It’s just a little…well, colorful.”

Oh dear.

 

__

Remus Lupin

__

I can‘t believe this. I‘m actually fussing over myself like a girl! Just calm down. It’s Calliope who’s meeting me in the Great Hall, just Calliope. I take a deep breath and frown at my appearance. I look like I’m going to a funeral in these black robes. The holiday ball is supposed to be cheerful but Sirius said all black would look suave. It’s only making me look more sickly than usual. I run a few fingers through my hair in exasperation only to have it stand on end. I’ve never been a fan of gel but perhaps having my hair slicked back would be more “suave.”

There’s a great thumping noise as Sirius, in all his dress robe glory, falls from the vent in our bathroom ceiling. He stands, dusts himself off and delivers us all a grin. 

“Moony, I brought you something,” Sirius tells me and I look to see him holding a bright pink tie.

I give him my signature speculative eyebrow raising. Sirius ignores me and waltzes over and begins to tie on the fluorescent necktie. 

“That’s quite the color,” I remark.

“Trust me, you’ll look smashing,” Sirius says. “By the way, I like your hair that way.”

I look in the mirror. Well at least the pink brings a little irony to the outfit. 

“Where’d you come from anyways?” I ask. 

“I was visiting Cal,” Sirius says.

What’s going on between those two anyways?

“Well, how does she look?” I ask, ignoring the butterflies in my stomach.

Sirius wiggles his eyebrows at me. “ _Hot_.”

I snort and Sirius shrugs. Calliope is cute, she’s even pretty. Actually she’s downright attractive. But hot? There’s something in her genetic makeup that makes it impossible. Or in her personality.

“I’m sure I’ll manage myself,” I laugh. So I’ve been a little distracted by her legs lately, it’s not an issue. Neither is the fact that I completely went blank during our duel when she smiled at me. Non issues.

I leave Gryffindor Tower with Sirius as James and Peter wait for Lily and Hestia. I catch sight of Emmeline with a sixth year in a slinky silver dress. She looks beautiful and spoiled. Funny how quickly an opinion can change.

Wandering down to the Great Hall I see all the girls in their long airy floral dresses. They look like pretty flower children, but when I try to imagine Calliope in those dresses I get the repeat image of her looking like a broken doll. Actually, I’m fairly sure those earth tones would clash with my pink tie. Not that I’m growing attached to it or anything…right.

Speaking of pink, look at those heels. It’s common knowledge that while Hogwarts girls agree that heels are fashionable, no one would ever be mad enough to try and navigate the castle in them. So naturally my curiosity is sparked by the sight of dangerously high heels…and those supernaturally long white legs extending upwards out of them. Wow. My eyes make a slow path up the limbs, every muscle is taut, the delicate calves perfectly flexed. Shouldn’t a skirt be interrupting my line of vision at some point?

I don’t reach the straight black hem until my eyes have traveled inches above the knees and my pulse has quickened considerably. The dress is playful in it’s own way although certainly not light hearted and flowing. The black fabric has gleaned itself around nicely proportioned hips. When I see the pink belt fastened tight around the tiny waist I begin to wonder. But it couldn’t possibly be, she would never.

Than why are you wearing this pink tie? I ask myself.

I practically choke when my eyes catch up to the low cut square neckline. My wolf instincts kick in overdrive, encouraging me to catapult over everyone separating me from…Calliope?! This girl in the risqué, short black dress is my date? My Calliope? Er…I mean, _just_ Calliope. Her hair is up into a high pony tail revealing a long bare neck and a set of perfectly formed cheekbones. Every other guy walks forward to greet their dates but I catch them staring hungrily at Calliope. I, on the other hand, am rooted to the spot with shock. My quiet, reclusive, modest friend has suddenly revealed herself to be sexiness incarnate.

Calliope flashes me a friendly smile and starts down the stairs. I watch her move, her legs stretch to each step. She doesn’t stumble or act as though she has any trouble navigating the stairs in her heels. And while every other girl fusses with dress straps and untidy skirts, Calliope wears her short tight dress as if it’s her Hogwarts uniform, or a pair of pajamas. I shiver. As if she’s wearing nothing at all. I’m over heating, my palms are clammy. I’m trying to not think about all the other places I would rather be taking Calliope than a crowded dance floor. Bedrooms and broom cupboards are a common theme. 

“Told you so,” Sirius whispers in my ear and I jump. “Think you can handle yourself with her tonight?”

Handling myself is what I have to stop myself from doing. There’s a challenge in Sirius’ tone and I wonder if he would try to take my place if I chickened out. But I want this date, this whole silly dance, more than I have since the beginning of the year.

“I’ll do fine,” I say but Sirius only laughs at the rough tone my voice has taken.

But as Calliope walks coolly closer to me I can’t help but moan inwardly. Perfect legs I can manage, the visible curves of breasts are difficult but with self restraint tolerable. But not this. Anything but this. Calliope DeSole, my former quaint friend and current fantasy smells like a chocolate truffle. No, not even a single truffle. She smells like the whole bloody shop. I’m finished. I might as well just go hide under my bed sheets…I wonder if I could convince her to come with me.

And then a miracle occurs. Calliope smiles again but it’s her quiet, awkward, uncomfortable smile. And all the nerves ease out of me. This ismy friend after all, albeit my devastatingly good looking friend who I would gladly sweep away to the closest private location if she so much as made the slightest innuendo. Hold on one second, am I _still_ gaping at her?

I shut my mouth and blush, looking to the floor.

“You look fantastic!” Calliope says.

Right! That’s what I’m supposed to say. I pick my head up and grin at her uncontrollably.

“You…There aren’t even words.” Ugh. What a copout. But it’s true. Well, there are words, but they aren’t words I can say to Calliope. 

Calliope’s cheeks flush a light pink and I notice a streak of pink running from her left temple into her ponytail. Cool. I reach out and brush my fingers over the newly colored hair.

“That’s a nice touch,” I tell her.

Calliope smiles and steps forward, giving my tie a light tug. My imagination takes over and Calliope pulls me tight against her, the tie fisted in her hand as she places her-

“We’re awfully coordinated,” Calliope grins. I shake multiple fantasies out of my head as she hooks her arm around mine and says, “Let’s go. I’m starved.”

I’m beginning to grow used to the sensation of being stared at. I can tell Calliope is self conscious by how quiet she is. But it’s oddly comforting to have her silently at my side. It’s certainly a lot less distracting and detrimental to my hormones. James, Lily and Peter were all completely speechless when they sat down at our table only to see Calliope in all her new found glory. I’ve caught Emmeline and her flock of miscreants glaring in our direction more than once. But I’m floating on a constant high and continuously finding my self with a goofy smile spread over my face.

We Marauders have found ourselves directed to the center of the dance floor. Even Sirius has loosened up to the energetic band. I smile and watch the shorter pieces of Calliope’s hair fall into her face as she jumps and twirls enthusiastically to the music. I’m still not entirely sure how she’s able to stand in those shoes of hers, let alone kick and jump and spin without stop. But I like that her eyes come almost level to mine. She has really beautiful eyes. Not a trait I usually notice in a girl, but it’s hard not to notice huge deep blue eyes.

For the first time in the night the music slows and all the couples on the dance floor stand awkwardly, not entirely sure how to proceed. I can’t say I’m not a little nervous about this part. Before seeing Calliope, dancing was all I could count on. Now I’m half tempted to offer to get us some punch if only so I can stall standing so close to her. I catch her gaze and step forward, taking her by the waist and hand without thinking. I want her so much closer. It’s a strange new sensation for me, being so attracted to her, to anyone for that matter. I want to deny it but know that would be ridiculous. She’s attractive, she’s more than attractive, she exudes attraction suddenly. I want to know why she smells so strongly of chocolate and how she’s managed to keep her skin such a perfect pale cream color. 

It takes me a moment to realize that while a minute ago Calliope and I were separated by a good six inches of air, she is now pressed gently against me with my arm draped around her waist. Her cheek is a hair’s breadth away and her arm is over my shoulder with her fingers just barely settled on the nape of my neck. And while the awareness that’s creeping over me is torturous and heavenly at the same time, I can hardly push her away. Even if I had wanted to, it would be rude. And I definitely don’t want to. 

It doesn’t matter. It’s just a dance. Tomorrow Calliope will look like the Calliope I actually know and can speak to without salivating. And tomorrow neither of us will remember if I indulge in this moment just a little bit.

I’ve convinced myself. I let out a breath I never realized I was holding and set my cheek against her face, wanting to know what it feels like. I recall all the cliché descriptions I’ve heard for skin; velvet, silk, satin, possibly butter. Calliope just feels like very soft, smooth skin. Like the skin on the inside of arms where there is no hair or sun exposure or roughness. 

Calliope’s fingers stir on the back of my neck and slip their way into my hair, leaving tingling paths in their wake. The wolf inside of me is stir crazy knowing that I’m teasing him ever so carefully while Calliope’s fingertips simultaneously arouse and abate his appetite. I should step back, I know it. At any moment my rational mind is going to lose it’s grip. My mouth is practically twitching at how close it is to her skin. I’ve always hated how the wolf made girls feel like prey to me. I can see her neck and part of me thinks that it is graceful while the other part sees it as a delicious appetizer. 

And there goes rational thought!

My head is slowly ducking down, my cheek rubbing over hers and to her jaw. My lips are inches away from her neck. What the hell do I think I’m doing?! I can’t very well bite her in the middle of the Great Hall. Anyways I don’t want to _bite_ her. I just want to taste her a little bit…

The music stops and so do our feet. I hadn’t even realized the song was finishing until the last note died out. Calliope and I are frozen momentarily in what must look like an alarmingly intimate position. Then, all at once, her fingers untangle themselves from my hair as I lift my head away from her neck and we step away from each other. For one last second my right hand stays at her waist and my left stays entwined with hers. But our hands drop and I very hesitantly clear my throat, trying to cut away the strange new awkwardness that stands between us.

“I think we need punch,” Calliope says quietly.

I nod jerkily and hurry to the refreshments table, leaving her on the dance floor. It’s abrupt and rude but I can’t help it. My body and my mind are going crazy right now. I never experienced a desire like this that I couldn’t fight. Calliope is my _friend_. My friend. She’s quickly becoming one of my best friends, not the way I’m close with the other Marauders but definitely the way I’m close with Lily. And no matter how attractive, beautiful, sexy or irresistible I might find her, _even_ if she was attracted to me as well, I could never risk our friendship for something physical. However phenomenal it could potentially be. I peek a glance at Calliope standing and talking with James and Lily and find myself sighing slightly. There’s certainly a lot of potential there, to say the least.

“You’re a lucky bastard, I can tell you that much.”

I look up to see that Hufflepuff, the one I remember Calliope mentioning she had…had a thing with, Durocher.

“Pardon?” 

Durocher nods his head to the dance floor, leering at Calliope. “She’s a real spit-fire, that one.”

I have the urge to repeat myself. Spit-fire? What does that even mean?

“Bit of a prude at times, but a firey one,” Durocher adds.

I feel strangely tense and temperamental with an unexplainable urge to hit Durocher. What right does he have to call Calliope a prude when he was dating another girl at the time?

“Don’t you have a girlfriend?” I ask tensely.

“Didn’t you?” Durocher asks with a wink. “I’m just glad I didn’t get caught. DeSole’s exciting enough to snog but she’s best as a fall back.”

My hands take an unhealthy grip on the goblets I’m holding. I try to unclench them. He thinks it was Calliope that I cheated on Emmeline with. It never occurred to me that by asking her to the dance the student population would assume that she had been the girl. I’d like to hit Durocher for his words but I’m even more angry at myself for subjecting Calliope to the gossip. I scan the room and see Emmeline and a flock of snotty girls glaring at Calliope. Of course Emmeline would use this to her advantage, I should have realized. I watch as Emmeline narrates her elaborate tale with her hands and then turns and points to Clarissa Stern who Durocher has now returned to. 

Oh shit.

Emmeline knows that Durocher cheated on Clarissa with Calliope last year. There’s no reason for her to include the information that Calliope never even knew that Durocher had a girlfriend. I leave the goblets of punch at the long table and rush through the crowd back to Calliope, she needs to be warned that she’s about to be subjected to an angry pack of girls. I reach her just as another Hufflepuff girl I don’t recognize taps urgently on her shoulder.

“Cal, did you have a fling with Richard Durocher last year?” the new girl asks.

Calliope’s eyes widen in surprise and then narrow in dislike, “I guess. Why?”

“Emmeline’s causing trouble,” I say, moving up to her and resting my hand on her arm. “She’s telling everyone about Durocher and pretending that it was you I cheated on her with.”

It’s the look on Calliope’s face that hurts the most. She isn’t used to anyone paying this much attention to her, let alone for malicious reasons. She’s looks shocked and confused and concerned.

“I’m Penelope,” the other girl says to me, holding her out her hand. I shake hands with her and open my mouth to introduce myself but she waves her hand. “Don’t bother, I know who you are. Calliope, you need to get out of here. Clarissa might be a year younger but she’ll rip you apart if she knows you touched Rich.”

“But,” Calliope looks slightly feeble and confused, “I never even knew he had a girlfriend. It was just a mistake.”

“Of course,” Lily says sweetly, stepping forward, “People will forget about it eventually. It’s just…for now, it might be best if you left.”

Calliope looks slightly defeated and miserable, verging on tears. I take her hand and squeeze it gently.

“I’ll be right back,” I say before turning sharply away. I look over my shoulder briefly to see everyone looking at me with confusion except Calliope who’s looking down sadly at her feet. I don’t care what anyone thinks I’ve done but I won’t watch the school rip Calliope apart when she’s done nothing wrong. I stop abruptly in front of Emmeline and her crowd of gossip queens.

“You know perfectly well that she had nothing to do with us,” I growl at Emmeline who raises a perfectly arched eyebrow at me. 

“I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about,” Emmeline says easily. 

“Whatever you’re plotting, give it up. You can say what you like about my actions but Calliope was never involved so don’t you dare drag her down with me.”

“Maybe she was innocent,” Emmeline says with a shrug. “You can’t deny that it hasn’t always been the case.” 

I narrow my eyes and push my way through the other girls who are watching us like we’re the most exciting things since the quidditch finals. 

I stop inches away from Emmeline’s face and lower my voice to a whisper. “I’d be very careful about getting on my bad side.”

Her eyes widen slightly with a flicker of fear. I think that we both realize that while I am incredibly angry, I would never follow through with a threat to her. But it doesn’t hurt to remind her that even if I am as terrified of myself as she is, she’s still terrified. 

Emmeline lowers her eyes and says in a quiet but clear voice, “I would never have let it spread that far.”

I know that’s her way of telling everyone around us that what ever rumors she’s been creating, they are to stay within their own circle. I turn and leave, weaving my way through a crowd to find my friends all waiting for me. I ignore their expectant faces and focus on Calliope who’s wearing one of her signature unreadable expressions. But I think she knows that I’ve just done a little damage control because she certainly looks more relaxed than before. I wrap an arm around her waist.

“I could use some fresh air,” I say. 

Calliope nods almost imperceptibly and we leave the Great Hall and go out into the garden. 

“What did you say to her?” Calliope asks quietly. Our steps match as we meander slowly on the path.

“I reminded her that you had nothing to do with what happened between she and I.”

“What really happened between you, Remus?”

I stumble slightly. “I…I told you. We argued.”

Calliope looks up from the ground and looks me straight in the eyes. I can see that she knows I’m lying to her. I can see how much she wants me to trust her and I feel a pang knowing that I never will. No, I _do_ trust her. I just don’t want to be completely honest with her. I can see her eyes running over my face, examining me. I can tell every time she looks over one of my scars because there’s a flicker of concern that flashes. I want to tear my face away before all my secrets are completely bare but I feel somewhat hypnotized. Then suddenly her eyes flicker away from me and her head tilts back down and I feel as though I’ve lost something.

“Alright,” she concedes.

We continue to walk but I can tell something is bothering her that has nothing to do with my lies.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

She sighs slightly and looks up but doesn’t meet my eyes. “I’m embarrassed.”

“Why?” She’s embarrassed about that dance we had. I made it awkward, she’s uncomfortable around me now. Damn.

“It’s just…it’s just not very…” she lets out a tiny frustrated noise that I find strangely endearing. “It was stupid of me, to get involved with Durocher. It’s not very…it doesn’t look good to have been involved with someone who already had a girlfriend.”

This surprises me considering when she first mentioned it at the quidditch game she had seemed so nonchalant about it. As if she didn’t care what people might have thought of her because of it.

“It doesn’t feel good to have been in that situation,” Calliope says, even more quietly. 

“What…” I need a way to say this correctly, to let her know I don’t judge her. “What started the two of you?” It’s awkwardly phrased but generally harmless.

Calliope frowns as if she’s trying to remember. “I think he just… asked me one day. Not even asked. I was helping him with Arithmancy regularly and one day we were in the library. I wasn’t interested in him, but he kissed me and I let him.”

“Why?” I ask, trying to keep the flare of irritation out of my voice. How could she just let someone like Durocher go ahead and kiss her? She’s worth more than that.

“I think I got confused between what I wanted and what was available.” Calliope walks forward and sits down on a bench and I join her. “I thought being with just someone would be the same as being with the right someone.”

I think about all the relationships I’ve had where I’ve never felt anything but mild attraction to the girl. “I know what you mean,” I tell Calliope. “How did you find out that he had a girlfriend?”

Calliope blushes and I can see it in the dark. “He mentioned her once.”

I smile and nudge her lightly with my elbow, “Too vague, tell me the story.”

Calliope shakes her with a growing smile, “He just compared our…broom cupboard techniques.”

I blush slightly at the thought of Calliope’s ‘broom cupboard’ anything. It serves as a reminder of how attracted I am to her currently.

“What did you do then?” I ask, to distract myself.

“I think I just walked out. Avoided him after that. He probably assumed that I was offended that he wanted me to be more ‘submissive’ as he put it.”

I bristle slightly, and feel glad that Calliope never ‘submitted’ to someone as sleazy as Durocher. Something she said rings in my head, about getting confused about what she wanted. It occurs to me that Calliope is as subject to crushes as I am, even if she is sometimes difficult to read. I can’t help but wonder jealously who it was that she wanted. Does she still like him? Does he still go to Hogwarts? Where can I find him?

“So what happened to what you wanted?” I ask. Calliope looks at me, confused and I elaborate. “The one you settled for Durocher over.”

Calliope’s eyes widen and she looks away sharply. “I…nothing. There wasn’t anyone.”

This time it’s me that knows I’m being lied to. But I don’t want to bully her into telling me anything so I only nod. We both look up at the sound of shouting voices entering the garden. I see Sirius and Melody arguing heatedly with one another and Calliope stands and moves forward. I jump up and grab her arm.

“Maybe we should let them…” I start, but Sirius and Melody are moving rapidly towards us and it would be impossible to escape the situation unspotted.

“Every time, Sirius! Every bloody time we try this you give it up for some other woman!!” Melody screams.

Calliope stops and she and I stand looking at our feet awkwardly.

“You don’t get it do you? _You’re the other woman._ ” Sirius snarls, “It’s you Melody, who breaks up every relationship I have.”

Melody’s eyes widen and pain rips across her face and I can see already that Sirius regrets his words but doesn’t know how to apologize for them. Melody’s expression turns defensive and angry.

“Well guess what,” Melody says in a quiet, dangerous tone. “That would make me the only fucking consistent thing in your life.”

Melody whips around and storms back into the Great Hall. I look to Sirius who has guilt and hurt written all over him and then to Calliope who is watching Melody’s retreating back and biting her lower lip.

“I should go with her,” Calliope says to me and I nod.

“I’m sorry this has been such an insane night,” I say awkwardly.

Calliope grins at me as she starts to walk away, looking back at me over her shoulder. “It was certainly eventful. I had fun, Remus. Thank you.”

I can’t tear my eyes away from her for several moments until Sirius clears his throat. I look over and see that despite the evident distress from his argument with Melody he’s still has that knowing mischievous look in his eyes.

“She’s wrong you know,” I tell Sirius. “You have the Marauders for life.”

Sirius only shrugs, “I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about your slow dance with Calliope earlier.”

I groan and run a hand over my face, trying to wipe away the memory of how good it felt.

“Did you like the perfume I gave her?” Sirius asked with a wicked grin.

My jaw drops. It’s his fault! Sirius is the reason Calliope smelled so freakishly good I couldn’t resist her. Although…even if she hadn’t smelled like chocolate I know I still would have gotten myself into trouble.

“Please tell me there was only enough for one night,” I moan.

Sirius laughs and shakes his head, “Big bottle. _Very_ big bottle.”

“I hate you,” I sigh.

“But you looOOoove Calliope,” Sirius taunts in a sing song voice, walking backwards to the Great Hall.

“It’s just physical,” I protest.

Sirius only scoffs, “Please, you’re like, best friends with her.”

“Yes. Sort of. Which is why I will not act on any urges I might be feeling.”

“You don’t get it do you, Remus.” Sirius rolls his eyes. “It’s hard to find a girl you can be friends with andwant to drag into bed. You ought to take advantage of it.”

“She’s too smart, Sirius,” I whisper and he stops to listen. “She’d figure me out and then nothing would be the same between us.”

“She’s not Emmeline,” Sirius says.

“I know that, but even Lily doesn’t look at me the same as she used to. I need to be distancing myself from Calliope, not getting closer to her.”

 

 

_AN: Oooo intrigue. Exciting chapters up ahead and we're about halfway through the story!_


	13. My Moon, My Man

  


Chapter Thirteen

My Moon, My Man

It had never occurred to me to think that Melody might have been keeping anything from me. She talked all the time. I assumed that if she was thinking about something, she was talking about it. Evidently, this was not the case. I had known that Melody and Sirius had dated briefly during sixth year. What I had not known was that Melody and Sirius also had a much more complicated past together throughout most of his relationships with other girls. Melody assumed she had certain liberties in Sirius’ life. Sirius blamed his own weakness on Melody. It was obvious they were both to blame for the argument, and the situation seemed easy enough to remedy, but clearly neither of them were about to surrender their pride.

Melody left for home yesterday for Christmas break. She tried to convince me to stay with her, or at least go back to my house where she could visit me but I refused. I had never had a Hogwarts Christmas. I certainly didn’t want to be staying at home and I wasn’t ready to be a part of another family dinner. Hogwarts seemed as though it would be the least emotionally taxing. Besides, Remus was staying here with James and Sirius. I shivered, it had been several days since the Holiday Ball but I still felt a strong hand imprinted on my back. I could feel a tension at my cheek as if someone had their face hovering next to mine. If I closed my eyes I could almost believe it. 

That said, I hadn’t seen Remus since the dance. I thought I saw him once in a fifth floor corridor but he hadn’t turned when I’d called his name. So actually, I was hoping it wasn’t him and therefore he wasn’t ignoring me. Although I had started to wonder; we had talked about spending a lot of time together over the break but I hadn’t seen any evidence of this happening as of yet.

There’s shuffling in the alcove of the library just ahead of mine. I can hear the sounds of several books being tossed down onto the table without care and several bodies dropping themselves into chairs. It seems to be a rather noisy bunch and I consider gathering my things up and moving away.

“Hey Moony,” a voice says, “I haven’t seen Calliope lately. Where is she? I thought she was staying for the break.”

I perk up immediately. It sounds like James, and he’s definitely talking about me.

“I think she is,” Remus says. “I haven’t seen her.”

“You’re avoiding her,” I hear Sirius say harshly.

I move carefully out of my chair, not sure whether or not I should just leave or let them know that I’m here…or just listen.

“But you two are friends,” James says with a questioning tone.

“Yeah we are.”

I tiptoe up to the book shelf, Sirius seems to be mouthing something to James but the majority of his face is obscured by the books. James gets an excited expression and turns to Remus who has his back to me.

“Moony! Stop ignoring the girl! She’s bloody fantastic,” James shouts happily.

Remus shifts in his chair, looking frustrated and uncomfortable. I contemplate the meaning of the nickname, Moony. 

“I just…” He starts and trails off. “She’s smart James. She figured out about the Map with hardly any information to go by. She’ll figure me out and never want anything to do with me.”

Figure him out? I know I can’t leave now. I’m invested in this conversation now, besides they’re talking about me. I’ve got the right to listen. 

“Rem, she’s not just any girl,” James says.

“She won’t judge you because of your…condition,” Sirius adds. “Emmeline didn’t know you well enough to see it past it.”

Condition? It rings a bell for me. I know what it’s like. But Remus heard from my own mouth that I would never classify someone based on a condition. But what condition? And what about it was what sent Emmeline packing?

“I’m not risking it, Sirius,” Remus says in tense tones.

“So you’re just going to push her away? Because you like her too much to be close to her? Don’t you see how backwards that is?” Sirius rants but James sets his hand down on his friends shoulder.

“Stop, Padfoot.” James looks to Remus in concern, “You aren’t thinking about how Calliope will feel when you just start ignoring her.”

Remus’ shoulders sag and he puts a hand over his face. “Of course I am, James. There just isn’t another answer to it right now.”

James and Sirius exchange complicated looks. I lower myself down to the floor as silently as possible. I know for a personal fact that no matter what Remus might try to tell me, whatever great secret he’s harboring, it won’t change anything. I’m in too deep now to be affected. I’m completely lost to rational thinking. Remus could be You-Know-Who himself and I would still be rendered hopelessly in love with him. Of course, the fact that Remus could never possibly be You-Know-Who or at all related to him is something I value greatly in him.

I try to piece together what I know. After all, if Remus thinks I’m already too close to his secret and able to figure it out, maybe I am. I know his break up with Emmeline was incredibly sudden, right after Halloween. I know he’s sickly somewhat regularly like me. 

I get stuck and bite my lip. I know that something obvious is right in front of me but I’m being too stubborn to see it.

“Hey Remus, the full moon is tomorrow isn’t it? Are you ready?”

Full moon? Moony. Condition. Sick every month. 

‘We were arguing about werewolves.’ His exact words.

I feel like every muscle in my body has just disintegrated. I’m completely incapable of moving from this spot.

“I guess so,” says Remus behind the bookshelf I’m leaning against. “You’ll be at the shack won’t you?”

Shack?

“We’ll go through Hogsmeade since Peter won’t be there to stop the Whomping Willow,” James answers.

Shrieking Shack. Howls. Whomping Willow, planted in my first year. 

‘ _We were arguing about werewolves._ ’

And here I was thinking that was the biggest load of nonsense I’d ever heard. His visits to relatives, trips to the Infirmary. Everything that never really seemed to bother me at the time is suddenly wreaking havoc in my brain. And tomorrow is the full moon. My legs feel like jelly so I stay where I am. Silently running every last moment, every clue, everything that should have tipped me off had it occurred to me to see it. I had never expected something so vastly huge, so alarmingly shocking to be the secret Remus was hiding away. It seems like something that would be unbearable to hide from everyone. But he has the Marauders. Obviously they know, how would they not.

Their conversation travels away from the subject of the sky but I’m left paralyzed on the floor, slowly swallowing the information.

Remus Lupin is a werewolf.

***

I hover outside in the bushes, watching Madame Pomfrey usher a trembling Remus across the grounds. The interesting thing about Christmas Break is the lax security on the Hogwarts grounds. I wait till the nurse and Remus are safely out of sight till I pull my winter cloak tightly around me and run across the grounds. Who knew it would be so cold out in December! My jeans, while being nicely warm, are subject to wetness from the snow and my ankles are quickly becoming bitterly cold despite my short black boots. I breach the Hogwarts gate and stare ahead of me in apprehension.

I’m not entirely sure what I’m trying to accomplish, out in the freezing cold heading towards the farthest corner of Hogsmeade. Am I trying to prove that Remus is a werewolf, or that he isn’t? It’s hard to imagine someone so subtle, to the point of gentleness, being the strong, fearsome creature from my textbooks. All I know is that I want to see him for myself, to prove that either way, werewolf or not, it changes nothing for me. After the initial shock and confusion wore off in the library, and long after the Marauders had gone back to their common room, I began to consider the information. And I hadn’t stopped since. It’s a surprise more than anything. I never read that far into his secretive nature. Just the same way I had never considered that Melody might have been keeping anything from me, however harmless. Digesting the idea was the difficult part, trying to fit the two images together, wolf and Remus.

I stop in my tracks and look up to see the full moon come clear into the sky. Maybe that’s what I’m not getting. That the figures don’t need to be placed together, that they already are. Remus is calm and patient and exceptionally gentle because he is struggling with another part of himself he can’t control. I told him that I would never treat a lycan any differently because of their condition. I want to keep my word to him. I move forward again, a little faster and a little more sure of myself. The twinkling lights of Hogsmeade are just ahead of me, I take a path that sends me around the side of the village where I can avoid being spotted.

What exactly do I think I’ll do when I get there? I can’t very well barge into the Shrieking Shack and announce myself casually. What would I say? ‘Don’t bite me! I’m down with lycanthropy.’ Hardly. But James and Sirius will be there, maybe I can find them first and explain. Obviously they won’t be in the same room as Remus. Right. So…just avoid the room that sounds like it might be caging a wild animal.

A shrill howl resounds through the mountains and I stop in my tracks. That doesn’t sound like it’s coming from the Shack…it sounds close. I move a little faster, edging farther from the village and closer to the dim outline ahead of the shack. A second howl, lower and more haunting echoes in the air, the last note ringing in my bones. Those were two separate howls from two very different animals. And the second sounded even closer. I move faster as I hear rustling farther behind me in the woods.

I hear pounding feet echoing after mine and turn quickly, terrified I’ll be face to face with a werewolf. I jump into the air and shriek at the sight of a large black beast with grey eyes. It takes me a moment to calm myself and realize that it’s only a very large black dog. For all I know the howls I heard were house pets and not any werewolf at all. The dog stands stock still staring at me before another low howl comes from behind it. The noise rocks me to my core and I know that that is no house pet. The large dog barks in rapid succession, matching my heavy heart beat and runs forward to me. It leaps onto it’s hind legs and it’s body changes into Sirius. My eyes widen and my brain goes haywire. How is this even possible? I must be asleep and dreaming.

“Calliope,” Sirius pants, looking over his shoulder. “You have to run. You have to get somewhere safe.”

“I know, Sirius,” I say quickly, accepting the fact that he was a dog a moment ago. “I know Remus is a werewolf.”

Sirius stares at me in shock and study but something moving over his shoulder catches my eye. Out of the trees comes the most terrifying creature I have ever seen, larger than any wolf and more dangerous and lethal looking.

“Go to the Shrieking Shack!” Sirius shouts gruffly before transforming back into the large black dog and bounding forward to the werewolf, to Remus who has caught sight of me and is growling viciously. I know, by looking into those haunting amber eyes, that even though this is the Remus I love, he will show me no sympathy in this form.

I turn on heel and run as fast as I can to the Shrieking Shack, barreling through snow and sharp briars. The door is well barricaded with planks of wood and I run frantically around the building till I find a window with broken wood covering it that I manage to squeeze through. I collapse onto the floor, not entirely sure whether Remus and Sirius followed me, and if I would even be capable of running any more if they had. Where is James? I can’t possibly move to look for him. 

I close my eyes and see Remus, or the werewolf, still not sure whether or not they can be considered separate. He was a head shorter than me, maybe a little more, with wild patchy hair in shades of gold and grey. His jaws were large enough to fit my entire head inside and then snap it off, he could probably have broken my arm with a good swipe from his paw. He was the most powerful creature I had ever seen. It was his eyes that terrified me the most, I recognized the amber color in them as the flecks I would see in Remus’ eyes after he would come back from the infirmary or his visit away. I couldn’t shake off the knowledge that it would be Remus again in the morning though. I wanted to know if there was any little bit of him left awake that might recognize me or if it was all wolf.

I shift on the floor, finally taking a few deep breaths. Sirius told me to come here so he must know that I’ll be safe. But just in case, I’m going to separate myself from anything prowling around outside with a staircase. I untangle myself from my cloak and wander through the shack till I find a rickety staircase. I move up the stairs carefully, hoping perhaps to find James somewhere, to talk with, or at least explain to. But no one greets me. Upstairs I find one empty room with two clean cots and blankets on the floor. In another is a full bed, a large comfortable chair stacked with blankets, a long couch and a dresser with what looks like hot water and a beginner healer’s kit. There are pepper up potions, and sleeping potions and blood replenishing potions. It’s everything Remus will need when he transforms back.

Making my decision I pull a blanket from the stack on the chair and sit down on the couch to wait for the Marauders to return. Sirius is an Animagus, Remus is a werewolf and James is a no show. Unless…James could be an Animagus as well. It always struck me as odd how freakishly talented the Marauders were at Transfiguration. So while it seems far fetched that James and Sirius, jokesters and trouble makers of our class, could put so much energy into such a complicated task, it’s within my imagination’s reach. But obviously no one knows, which means it’s highly unlikely that they are registered, which leads to the possibility of being arrested. Typical Marauder move, I suppose. I set that puzzle aside. One problem solved, one million to go. 

The Whomping Willow and the Shrieking Shack up next. I had never been under the impression that the Shrieking Shack was newly haunted, but perhaps that was due to the fact that I never entered Hogsmeade until my third year and by then the tales had built up. What about the Whomping Willow? Obviously it’s somehow connected to all this, but James mentioned that they need Peter to use the Willow. Perhaps a passage to the Shack? The Whomping Willow was new, everyone knew that, although no one knew what possessed Dumbledore to plant it. But a tree with violent urges probably is likely to keep away any trespassers likely to happen upon a monumental secret. 

One boy’s monumental secret. All that for Remus. Two, possibly three, illegal Animagi (when considering Peter, although I have a hard time believing he would be able to accomplish the task), one angry tree and one rumored haunted house. Just to allow one troubled young boy to have a semi-normal experience as a growing wizard. If that can be considered semi-normal. I consider all the trouble the Marauders could get into, all the trouble Professor Dumbledore could have to deal with if any one found out. It’s a huge sacrifice.

But then I think of Remus, of everything we’ve talked about. I think about all the times where he lowers his guard ever so slightly and a liveliness and mischief to rival James reveals itself. He could never have had that, would never have met the friends he has now. He wouldn’t have the quiet confidence he holds inside himself. .On a selfish note, I would never have met him. And that’s certainly not something I regret. I want to do something for him, to show him that I would sacrifice just as much as the others, to make sure he was happy. 

I sit up and shed the blanket and my cloak, taking out my wand. The room is drafty but there’s a fireplace on the wall to my right. I start a fire and then move to the windows and cast Impervius charms to keep out the cold. I check the pitcher of hot water which is still steaming and experimentally pour some into the basin. The water in the pitcher refills itself instantly. Lovely. I explore the drawers of the dresser to find ointments, bandages, gauze and salves. Nothing seems to be touched and I wonder if it’s because of more refilling charms or because the Marauders have never explored the contents. 

After making the bed and kindling my small fire into a nice roaring blaze I peek out the window. The moon is already low on the horizon even though the sky is still near pitch black. I wonder what Remus does in the summer when the moon can still be out in daylight. My eyelids feel heavy but I resist sitting down. I want to be ready when they come back in, there wouldn’t be so much healer’s supplies if Remus didn’t need it. I’m an amateur with bandages and the like but I’m sure I’d be more careful and meticulous than Sirius or James. I watch the moon sink down into the hills through the crack at the window and then fill the silver basin with the hot water from the pitcher. It’s only a few minutes that go by before I hear a quiet jumble of feet downstairs.

“Where’s Calliope?” I hear James ask.

“Let’s just get him upstairs,” Sirius says. 

I move to the door and open it calling out, “I’m in the bedroom, I started a fire.”

There’s a moment of stillness from the bottom of the stairs before I hear movement again and watch as slowly a three bodied form drags itself into the light. James and Sirius have Remus braced over their shoulders, with their arms around his waist. His body is wrapped in what look like their cloaks.

“Are any of you hurt?” I ask, moving back into the room.

“I’ve got a couple of cuts, Remus is pretty scratched up too,” Sirius huffs. He pushes Remus off to James and glares at me. “You could have gotten killed, Calliope. He could have bitten you.”

“Set him on the bed,” I say, ignoring Sirius.

“Turn around,” James says quietly, “We’ll put boxers on him first.”

I turn and face Sirius’ troubled face.

“Are you alright?” Sirius asks me, his glare relenting.

I nod, “I’m fine. I just want to help.”

His expression is guarded and unreadable. “How did you find out?”

“I overheard the three of you in the library and put the pieces together.”

Sirius and I both look over to see Remus hunched over groaning in a set of blue boxers. His head lifts slightly and he looks hesitatingly into my eyes. My eyes scan his body and I ignore the slight flush at my cheeks. There’s a long scratch across his left cheek, a slash over his chest and another across his back. His legs are scattered with short, deep cuts. I move to the basin to find the water still steaming. I soak a rag into the water and take out a jar of cleaning salve. I move back to Remus, feeling his eyes following me the entire time, and lift his chin with my fingertips. Gently, I press the hot rag against the cut on his cheeks, he hisses slightly before sighing deeply, relaxing into my hand. 

Sirius and James move to the water, helping me rinse the rag and handing me bandages for the deeper cuts. Remus stays silent and as I finish his back he finally closes his eyes and lies down on the bed, lifting his legs for me to take care of. By the time the last cut is cleaned and taken care of Remus seems to be asleep. I pull the blankets over him and turn to see Sirius and James watching me with surprised smiles. I clean Sirius up quickly and help them block off the cot room from any drafts. I cast a quick heating charm on the room before closing the door and going back into the bedroom.

Remus is stirring already and as I enter the room he opens his eyes with a wince. He captures my eyes with his green eyes currently heavily flecked with amber and I stand still with the door at my back.

Remus clears his throat experimentally. “I can’t imagine, what you must think of me.”

I shake my head and move to the healer’s station. “I told you before, I would never judge anyone based on a condition.” I pick up a sleeping potion and take it to him. “Will this help?”

“Where will you sleep?” he asks.

I shrug, “On the couch.”

“Sleep on the bed, Calliope. There’s enough room.”

I want to argue, but I can see that if I did he would argue back. And more than being modest or humble right now I want Remus to rest. I nod and hand Remus the sleeping potion. I take another blanket from the chair and throw it over the bed before sneaking under the covers. Remus watches me the entire time and it isn’t until I set my head down on the pillow that he lifts the potion with a shaking hand and swallows it down. 

“I’m sorry,” Remus says, sinking into the blankets, “For what you heard in the library.”

“I’m not.”

***

A spike of light sneaks it’s way into the room and onto my face through the cracks of the boarded windows. I peak an eye open, the light in the room is hazy, I guess that it’s late morning outside. At the foot of the bed are several trays of food and a large pot of tea. Remus is sleeping soundly next to me, he looks considerably less beaten than I usually see him after a full moon. I sneak out of the bed and pour myself a cup of tea and take a slice of toast. Sirius and James peek their heads into the room and move to the plates of food.

“Where does the food come from?” I ask.

“House elves,” James answers. “You gave him the sleeping potion?” he asks and I nod. “He’ll sleep through us talking, then.”

James and Sirius sit down on the couch and motion for me to sit between them. I take a seat and they turn their heads to stare unabashedly at me.

“So…you’re okay with this then?” Sirius asks me. “Remus’ lycanthropy and everything?”

“Of course.”

“You aren’t upset?” James asks. I smile at the note of surprise in his voice and shake my head.

“It took me a little bit of time to accept, it’s just hard to imagine,” I say.

James and Sirius are silent for a moment before James bursts, “You’re just spectacular!!”

That’s a bit much, really. I know there are a lot of bigots in the wizarding world, but not everyone is raised to treat lycans like dirt. 

“No, James is right. You are sort of phenomenal,” Sirius tells me, throwing an arm over my shoulder. “Remus had bloody brilliant luck the day you were assigned as his Defense partner.”

I hear this a lot from the Marauders, this idea of me being in some way important or unusual compared to most people they know. It never occurred to me to see myself as anything but plain, because that was what I had always strove to be. I’m still not buying into it. But I appreciate the sentiment, it’s nice to feel valued. 

“ _You’re_ bloody lucky I’m not interested in reporting your state of illegal Animagi,” I reply.

“Er…right. About that,” Sirius begins.

“Don’t worry, I’m less scandalized and more impressed.” Sirius and James let out identical sighs of relief. “I didn‘t see you last night James, what are you?”

“A stag.” James grins proudly. It’s a very suitable animal for him actually.

Sirius squeezes me lightly around the shoulders.

“That was really great of you, Cal,” He nods his head towards Remus on the bed. “Just being here ready to help, without demanding answers to questions or anything.”

“He looks a lot healthier than he usually does,” James agrees.

“That’s all I wanted to do, just help,” I say.

“We should try and wake him, get him to eat something,” James says and stands, moving to the bed. He shakes Remus awake who sits up bleary eyed and still mildly shaky. I get up and pour Remus a cup of hot tea and when I hand it to him I catch his gaze. He has the same perplexed, awed look on his face, watching me tend him, as he did during the night.

“Can I check the bandages after you eat?” I ask quietly and Remus nods. I can already see that the cut on his cheek is nearly healed.

Remus slowly eats a small breakfast, half listening to Sirius and James tell him harmless stories of their adventure from the night before. I note that they omit the tale of Remus spotting me. I can feel Remus eyes on my skin, watching every move I make. I can tell he’s waiting for me to give away some discomfort, some indication that I feel differently about him. I sit down on the bed next to him, leaning my back against the headboard. Remus begins to relax, finally, and even smiles at some of James’ story telling antics. 

I can feel congestion in my body, and an ache in my muscles. The potions I take for my lupus suppress my immune system so it doesn‘t overwork itself. So while the potions help keep my immune system from fighting off any good cells, sometimes it means that it misses some of the bad germs as well. I mentally cross my fingers and hope that we won’t all be walking back in the snow. Cold season is a big problem for me, everyone carrying germs that might just make them sneeze a little but could possibly knock me out for a week. The potions can be a bit of a problem in the winter for me. 

“Can I talk to Calliope alone, guys?” Remus says.

I lift my head at the words, and forget about my health for the time being. James smiles and nods, standing, and Sirius gives me a quick surreptitious wink before following his friend. I hope neither of the others saw that. I got to the dresser and pour out hot water, getting ready to wash and change Remus’ bandages. I turn back to the bed, holding the clean, soaked rag, to see Remus watching me intently yet again. 

“Are we still friends?” Remus asks me.

I smile and sit down behind him, spelling off the bandage on his back and washing the wound which seems well healed for one night.

“Why wouldn’t we be?” I ask in return. 

Remus sighs, “You really meant everything you said about lycans then? Even when you’re actually faced with one.”

“You aren’t just a werewolf, you’re Remus. Therefore, you are one of the best friends I have.”

“I’m sorry I was avoiding you,”

“It’s alright, I guess.” That was the worst part of it, that Remus really didn’t trust me enough to be friends with me and let me discover his lycanthropy on my own.

“It isn’t. I should have known better than to think that that my condition would have made a difference to you. Especially after you told me it wouldn’t. I just…even Lily treated me differently after she figured it out. And she had known me so much longer than you. I just assumed that it would be harder for you to see past it.”

But I know what it’s like to be seen as something you aren’t because of a condition. I could tell him. But there are only three people left who know I have lupus. And lupus is hardly comparable to lycanthropy.

“I was raised without a bias to werewolves, and my parents enforced that even while we were learning about them in school,” I say. “The ministry approved material on werewolves is sorely misinformed, by the way.”

Remus snorts, “So I’ve noticed.”

“So, how do we get back to Hogwarts?” I ask, still thinking about the weather and my currently tentative cold.

“There’s a secret passage from here to the Whomping Willow,” Remus explains with a mischievous smile. “There’s a special knot on the base of the tree that keeps it from thrashing. Peter usually presses it for us, he’s an Animagus too, a rat. But the tree won’t attack us on the way back. We should actually get back soon before it’s too late and people will be out.”

“Turn around then,” I say. “Let me finish up with these bandages.”

Remus turns obediently with a smile and watches me while I work. I feel self conscious, rubbing a wet rag over his bare stomach. I focus on the more gruesome elements of the wound in order to maintain a cool composure. What’s stranger is the way Remus is just staring at me so openly now, almost as if he knows how much I’m enjoying the whole experience, it being a rather intimate one. I’m very careful with where I set my hands, always avoiding the direct contact of our skin. 

I finish and quickly go back to the dresser to tidy up, finally able to allow an intense blush to spread over my cheeks as Remus throws on jeans and a black jumper. We meet James and Sirius downstairs and the three Marauders lead the way down into a dark underground passage. Remus takes my arm to help guide me through the dark and I carefully maneuver myself into a position as a crutch for him which he hesitatingly accepts. The passage is cold but nowhere near as bad as what it would be like outside.

“Calliope?” Sirius calls from a few feet ahead of us. “What are you doing tomorrow?”

I shrug and then realize that it’s too dark for Sirius to see that. “I don’t have any plans.” It’s not like I know that many people to make plans with.

“Good,” James answers. “Expect to be seeing us.”

 

_AN: Oh my updates have been so random, my apologies. I've just been writing my new stories a lot lately so it's been hectic. So Read, Enjoy, Review and you'll be seeing me soon._


	14. Holiday Blues

  


Chapter Fourteen

Holiday Blues

Marauders are mysterious creatures. After James’ warning yesterday I assumed that the second I stepped out my Common Room door for breakfast I would be hounded by the Troubling Trio. But it’s nearing on lunch and my day has remained peaceful. I know better than to think that they can’t find me, they have that interesting parchment that seems to have been specially made to track me down. So that must mean that they don’t need me yet. Which is actually sort of relieving seeing as how I’m still feeling under the weather. I finally got some rest and relaxation to help with the effects of my potions yesterday but it seems the damage was done and now I have to be extra careful not to turn my minor cold into a major problem. 

I’ve found the best seat in the library, right by the fire place in one of the hugely oversized and well stuffed armchairs. These seats are hot commodities and are usually taken by Ravenclaws but with the lack of student population, and the fact that it’s Christmas break, I’m the only one who bothered to go to the library. Speaking of Christmas, I have a dilemma to consider.

Do I give Remus his present?

I bought Remus a present in Hogsmeade when Sirius wasn’t paying attention to me. I made Sirius and Melody mix tapes and Sirius helped me with a surprise for James. I even got an emergency bracelet for Lily in case she tried to give me something. But do I wait to receive gifts before giving them? Some people aren’t gift givers and I don’t want to make anyone feel bad that they didn’t buy me anything. In the past I’ve only ever exchanged with my parents and Anna. I always sort of knew what I would be getting, and I’m sure they knew the same. But now, yet again this year, I am completely clueless as to what awaits me.

“You do realize that we are now on our break and it’s completely ridiculous that you’re spending your time with your nose buried in another book.”

“Hello, Sirius,” I say my eyes still focused on the page.

“We’re having a snowball fight!!” James shouts.

“That’s nice,” I say, still pretending to read.

“Calliope, I need a partner,” Remus says in pleading tone. “Besides, your eyes aren’t even moving. You’re not really reading.”

I sigh and shut the book finally looking up to them. “It’s cold out,” I say.

“Of course it is. Would we have a snowball fight in the summer?” Sirius teases.

“If you could figure out how, yes,” I retort.

“Please, Calliope?” I look to Remus, always my weakness, who has a very sweet and imploring face. He doesn’t overdo it like Sirius who pouts his lips and widens his eyes and even manages to create a chin tremble. 

I’ll get sick. But if I’m careful, it might not be that bad. And just look at his face! Love, that’s all I have for this boy, just love. Ugh. I will regret this.

“Okay,” I relent. Remus pulls me out of the chair into a quick hug. “I’ve never been in a snowball fight,” I warn.

James and Sirius look at me as if this is a blasphemous statement.

“Explain to me how that is even possible,” Sirius says.

“Anna and I weren’t really the ‘running around in snow freezing ourselves’ types,” I explain.

“There are other types?” James asked.

“Calliope was the ‘curled up by the fire reading a good book and drinking hot chocolate’ type,” Remus tells them.

I smile. He knows me so well. 

“You forgot the chocolate chip cookies,” I say to Remus and he laughs. “And actually I’m more of the ‘curled up in the window sill watching the snow fall’ type. But they are essentially very close.”

James and Sirius look at Remus and I as if we are speaking a different language.

“Not playing in the snow,” Sirius mutters under his breath as we pause at the main door to put on our cloaks. “Girl speaks bloody nonsense.”

“Stop pretending I can’t hear you,” I tell Sirius.

“I liked you better when you didn’t talk!” Sirius says and I laugh.

The cold outside is bitter but not unbearable. I do wish I had more layers but I didn’t want to ask the Marauders to make a pit stop with me in the dungeons. It’s not horribly cloudy out but the snow is still falling heavy in large, soft flakes. James and Sirius dart away into a corner of the courtyard and Remus takes my hand and pulls me in the opposite direction.

“How’s your aim?” Remus asks me.

“I haven’t the faintest idea,” I admit.

“Well how about you start making the snowballs then, and watch my back for me,” Remus uses a very authoritative voice, as if we’re going to war. 

I brush snow off a bench and sit down and begin to pack together our arsenal. Remus helps occasionally but mostly seems to be spying around a large brick column. Suddenly Remus ducks his head back behind the column as a large snowball whizzes through the air just where Remus’ head had been an instant before. I watch in amusement as Remus crouches down onto the ground and scuttles over to our growing pile of snowballs. Out of nowhere a snowball crashes against my chest, knocking a little wind out of me. 

“Hey!” I shout before crouching down like Remus to avoid another snowball aimed for my head. “I thought we were getting some sort of a warning,” I say to Remus.

“Yeah, I think that’s what that was,” Remus answers with a wolfish grin.

Wolfish. Ha. That’s funny now.

I peek my head carefully over the edge of the fountain and spot James prowling away from his hiding spot. In the same moment Remus grabs a snowball and launches it through the air effectively hitting James square in the shoulder. He falls dramatically down, a cloud of snow billowing upwards as he crashes.

“Man down, man down!” Sirius shouts, darting out from behind another column and rushing out to chuck a snowball at me. I duck and instinctively grab another snowball, throw it heavily and watch with satisfaction as it smashes against Sirius’ stomach.

“Ha! We’re winning!” Remus shouts from behind our safety barricade. “Good shot, Calliope.”

“Come out and face me like men!” Sirius cries before giving this some thought. “That is to say man and girl with wicked aim!”

I had originally meant to be careful, to not wear myself out or get my clothes too wet and catch a chill. But I lost track of those thoughts as the battle carried on. I’ve been pulverized by snowballs, slipped and fell on ice, bruising my knee, and I accidentally just hit Remus with a snowball inciting him to tackle me to the ground. My body is thrown down onto the snowdrift with Remus landing roughly on top of me. I laugh loudly and look up to Remus with a grin on my face. Remus smiles at me with that funny far away stare again. As if he’s forgotten why he’s sprawled over me and is just watching me. My laugh dissolves into a slight giggle which I mentally reprimand myself for. Neither Remus or I make any movement, just simply stay collapsed in the snow smiling.

“I’m tired,” I say. 

What? What a moment spoiler. I am terrible at this.

Remus’ eyes refocus and he leans away and untangles his legs from mine.

“So am I,” Remus says easily, sitting up, completely unruffled. “I usually can’t be this active after a full moon. You really helped me, Calliope.”

“Hey look!” Sirius shouts, “Here comes Snivellous!!”

Remus looks over with a tiny frown and he and I both stand and watch as James and Sirius use their wands to spell the snowballs to enlarge and chase after Severus Snape. I’ve never known Snape well, and while he does seem to be a generally disagreeable person, I still don’t enjoy watching my friends torture him for no reason.

“Rem, Cal, come on! It’s fun,” James laughs as his snowball catches Snape at the ankles.

I kneel down a pick up a handful of snow, clumping it together.

“Calliope?” Remus says in a careful questioning tone. I can tell that his loyalty to his friends is having a mini-battle with his natural inclination to avoid trouble.

I throw the snowball across the courtyard and smile slightly as it scores a direct hit against Sirius’ head. Sirius loses his concentration and his oversized snowball disintegrates and he looks over to me in surprise.

“What was that for?” Sirius shouts and James pauses in his teasing of Snape.

“I just broke the tie,” I say, referring to our snow fight. “Remus and I win, and we say that we go inside and get hot chocolate.” My eyes flicker over to Snape who stands still for a moment, glaring at me before sweeping away. James and Sirius make no move to follow him.

“Thank you,” I hear whispered at my side from Remus. He and I move forward together and meet Sirius and James in the center and argue our opponents into a surrender.

“We can go to the Room of Requirement,” James suggests as we walk back into the castle.

“What is that?” I ask.

James opens his mouth to explain but Remus holds up his hand to stop him.

“We should let her find out on her own,” Remus says and James and Sirius relent with sneaky looks in their eyes. 

The Marauders lead me through the castle up to the sixth floor and then stop abruptly in front of a blank space of wall.

“And we are here because…?” I ask.

Remus smirks, “Think of what would be the perfect place to relax in right now, everything you might want or need and walk back and forth in front of that wall three times.” I stare at him skeptically. “Trust me,” he adds.

“How come she gets to make the room?” Sirius asks sullenly under his breath and I ignore him and concentrate. I want the softest couches with the smoothest pillows and blankets, enough for four. And a oversized fireplace ahead. And a table set up with hot tea and chocolate and cookies and brie with raspberries. And some seasonal decorations, like soft lights and maybe a nice evergreen tree and sprigs of mint. I stop my pacing, maybe I’m getting a little carried away. I look over to the blank wall to see that it is no longer blank. There’s a large welcoming wooden door that the Marauders and I advance to.

“Well,” I say, “That’s interesting.”

Remus grins and gestures for me to open the door. I move forward and inch the door open and sigh at the sight and the smells that await. It smells like a beautiful, warm, toasty, Christmas. I swing the door open to reveal three low couches, two short and one long. In front of the couches is a long low coffee table filled with treats and drinks and in front of the table is the biggest, most welcoming fire I have ever seen.

“Wow…” James sighs and throws himself down into one of the shorter couches. “From now on Calliope always picks out our rooms. Look! There are cookies, she’s thought of everything.”

Sirius mimics James and sets himself haphazardly into a short couch. Remus and I peel away our soaked cloaks and step out of our frozen boots and set them in front of the fire with our socks. I pour myself a cup of the hot chocolate and then relax down onto long couch, bending my knees and leaving the other half of the couch for Remus. I drink and sigh, chocolate has always been an immediate help when I feel like my lupus is catching up with my health. 

“Chocolate,” Remus says reverently, as if reading my mind, “Is the best food group I know of.”

I recall Sirius giving me a bottle of chocolate perfume and I understand his reasoning. How clever. I might be wearing that perfume a lot more often now.

“Chocolate is not a food group, mate,” James says.

“It most definitely is,” I defend.

James and Sirius look to each other and roll their eyes. 

“Let’s all come here Christmas morning,” Sirius proposes. “We can exchange gifts then and open our presents together. We can’t leave Calliope to her lonesome on Christmas morning.”

“I like my lonesome,” I protest.

“The room won’t look as nice if you don’t come,” Remus implores with that sweet convincing face of his. When did he practice that? It’s so convincing and sincere.

“You don’t really want our disastrous decorating on your conscience, do you?” James asks with raised eyebrows.

“I suppose not,” I sigh with a smile.

My muscles are knotted and tense and I have a racking headache but the room is warm and comfortable. I can feel myself slowly nodding off, and I try to hang onto the conversation the Marauders having with each other but I can’t follow. Remus sits up on the couch and lowers a blanket over me, taking the mug of hot chocolate from it’s resting place on my stomach. 

“Should we stay with her?” Remus asks as I struggle not to drift away. 

“We should just let her nap, we’ll come back in a few hours with dinner for her,” James answers.

I sigh and fall asleep, physically tense but generally happy.

***

Ughh…I can’t breathe. My respiratory organs seem to have shrunk during my nap. Everything in me is tight and painful. I let out a small moan and look around to see the room empty but still warm and cozy looking. Part of me is relieved that the Marauders aren’t here to see me so sick and another part of me is wishing that they _were_ here to take me to the Infirmary. I push myself up slowly and my vision spins as my stomach feels slightly nauseous. I try to take deep breaths but it only hurts my throat and chest.

Oh dear.

I should have gone to Pomfrey ages ago and had her patch me up. But I hate how she fusses over me, I just had to pretend I was fine. Now I’m going to have to literally drag myself to see her and hope someone friendly finds me along the way and helps me out. I pour myself a cup of tea with shaky hands and consider my options. I have no idea what time it is but I remember the Marauders saying that they would come back and bring me dinner. I can either wait here for them to come rescue me, or I can trek out on my own. And if I did wait, how would I explain going from a snowball fight to physically incapacitated in a matter of hours? It’s a near impossible feat when you leave out my sickness.

So crawling, half dead, to the nurse it is, then.

I stand experimentally. I’m wobbly and a little light headed but probably capable of the walk. At least I’m on the sixth floor and not down in the Hufflepuff Common Room. I finish my tea and wince as I swallow, heading towards the doorway. I hate being sick and feeling this weak. It’s unnerving to have my vision blurring in and out. I keep walking till I come around the first corner. I brace myself against the wall and take several moments and attempts at deep breaths before moving again. 

I reach the staircase up to the seventh floor and hesitate. My legs feel like jelly, as if I’ve just finished a long distance race, and I’m incredibly dizzy. I consider sitting down on the stair for a quick break.

“Miss DeSole, are you quite alright?”

I look up to see Professor Greene and sigh. 

“I’m sick,” I say bluntly. I can trust him. He’s my fantastic head of house and he already knows about my lupus.

Greene smiles slightly but I can see the concern in his eyes, “Yes, I can see that Miss DeSole. Would you like me to escort you to Madame Pomfrey?”

I give him a pathetic, appreciative smile as my legs wobble underneath me. “If you don’t mind, Professor.”

Professor Greene practically carries me the rest of the way. Normally I would protest and put up a big fuss about being able to walk on my own, but I know well enough that, for once, I need the help. Poor Madame Pomfrey practically flips her lid when she sees me. She starts to reprimand me about missing appointments and not attending to my health and Professor Greene gently affirms her. 

I wait patiently for her tirade to end and for the healing to begin. The lightheadedness increases as she wears on until finally I give in to it and fall back on to the pillows.

***

If I had thought that Madame Pomfrey was fussy and over attentive before, it was nothing compared to the two days after I passed out in her infirmary. In reality I was feeling fine again after the first day, she had pumped so many potions through me that I was healthy simply from the flush as well as the actual magic. But she had insisted, rather forcefully, that I stay another day. Perhaps she was bored. Or maybe she just enjoyed lecturing me. 

I knew I deserved it, really. It was my fault that I had landed myself into her hospital cot in such an awful state. I knew that. Although at times I indulged in the thought that I could blame the Marauders and the fact that they never take ‘no’ for an answer. Not that I would ever vocally accuse them, but it was some mental comfort. I didn’t hold it against them however and they were the first people I saw after leaving the hospital. It was dinner time and I knew exactly where to find them … at dinner.

They made quite the fuss about me having disappeared for two days. I was relieved to find that they had made no discoveries revealing that my time away was spent with the school nurse. I delivered them the excuse that I had suffered from a minor cold and had waited it out in my dormitory and then quickly changed the subject. It was Christmas Eve and we had planning to do for our breakfast tomorrow. They were easily diverted by the topic of what to eat, which I found impressive considering they were already sitting with a feast in front of them. Before going to bed last night I stopped by the kitchens and discussed the matter with the House Elves. I gave them a few personal recipes and minor suggestions and they agreed to deliver the breakfast to the Room of Requirement before the Marauders arrived.

I stand in front of the blank wall on the sixth floor corridor and gather my thoughts. I want this to be a good Christmas, and not just for the Marauders who bullied me to be here, but for me as well. I close my eyes and think about what Christmas needs. Firstly, a tree; with strung popcorn and fairy lights and glass ornaments and dried flowers. Next a fireplace, as cozy if not even more so than the one from the last room, but instead of couches a plush rug with supremely soft pillows and blankets. What else? Garlands, strung from the rafters with more fairies. What else does Christmas have? Mistletoe. Hm…both potentially awkward and delightful. Scratch that. Snowflakes dangling would be nice.

I decide to avoid thinking about the specifics and hope that the room can make up for my lack of imagination. I need a Christmas wonderland, I think, visualizing some of my ideas. I pace in front of the empty wall. Perfect Christmas. Perfect Christmas. Perfect Christmas. I stop and peak into the new friendly door and gasp, wandering into my new Christmas Wonderland. The tree is as tall as the room and glittering like the night sky. I can smell lavender and mint hidden in the branches. Huge palm sized crystalline snowflakes fall from the ceiling and melt away before falling down onto the plush squishy floor. In the center of the room is a low table waiting to be filled with treats from the house elves. The fire place is so big that suddenly I feel like a small child again. Everything is oversized and welcoming, as if I’ve suddenly shrunk.

I plop down onto a big blue velvet pillow and pull gifts out of my school bag and place them underneath the giant tree. House elves enter the room silently carrying tray after tray of breakfast and sweets. I settle myself comfortably and thank the House Elves as they leave. This floor is deliciously comfortable. I curl up with a nest of pillows and blankets and treat myself to a biscuit as I wait for the Marauders to arrive. 

“Bloody hell!” I hear from the doorway a few minutes later. I look up to see James with his eyebrows raised to his hairline.

“Oi! Cal, did you come up with all this?” Sirius asks, pushing his friend through the doorway.

I shrug, “More or less.”

“It’s beautiful,” Remus tells me with a smile, crashing down into the pillows next to me.

“Where’s the food from?” James asks through a mouthful of the very subject he spoke of.

“The House Elves,” I explain, “I gave them family recipes.”

“Your family knows how to eat!” Sirius laughs, helping himself to a plate of food.

“Don’t mind if I do,” Remus murmurs, heading over to the table of food himself.

Is it that the brain and stomach have switched places in males, or just that they reside in the same space?

It isn’t long, however, before the Marauders are back around the tree with me and are adding their fair share of boxes under the tree. I have to admit, I expected to see them bringing in wagons loaded with gifts from admirers. They actually have modest piles like myself. Lily and Melody both sent me gifts, and luckily I had taken a brave step and sent theirs as well. 

“I’m exchanging with Moony first!!” Sirius shouts, and passes Remus a large and heavy looking package. 

“Well, gee. This doesn’t feel like a book, at all,” Remus muses with sarcasm and passes Sirius a square box.

“Here, Calliope,” James holds out a gift for me. “Just so you know, our gifts are typically prank gifts. So, you know, you don’t feel bad or anything.”

I smirk. “Oh, I wouldn’t take offense,” I say innocently. “What order do we open them in?”

“Youngest to oldest,” Sirius says.

“Oldest to youngest,” James and Remus both say at the same time. 

“I’m eighteen in February,” I say quickly, not entirely sure which way that will swing the vote.

“Bugger you all,” Sirius huffs and stares pointedly at Remus. “You’re first…as usual.”

Remus tears away the packaging and reads aloud the title of the massive book sitting on his lap, “ _The Encyclopedia of Everything about Everything_.” He frowns slightly and looks to Sirius, “Aren’t these really expensive?”

“I didn’t ask,” Sirius shrugs. “And the Potters helped me, anyways. Do you like it or not?”

Remus grins, “Are you sure you really want to encourage my know-it-all tendencies?”

Sirius grins as well, “If you’re happy, Moons. Your turn James.”

James stares down at the package I gave him.

“It doesn’t bite, I promise,” I assure him.

He grins, “I just can’t imagine what it would be.” James, in act of unprecedented organization, tidily undoes the packaging and folds the paper and sets it aside and admires the clear box holding Henry’s Wonder Hair Gel. (Promised to knock unruly hair to it’s roots.) James laughs and squirts a liberal amount of the gel into his palms and slicks it through his hair, which only responds by sticking straight out on end as if electrocuted.

“Well,” Sirius sighs and looks to me, “It was worth a shot. You’re up Cal.”

“Sirius, you don’t have to narrate the order,” Remus chides, leaning beautifully back on his elbows into pillows. “We all know perfectly well that you’re the last one.”

James sniggers at Sirius’ disgruntled expression as I unwrap the red and gold paper. Inside the box is a pair of white gloves, white face paint, a black beret and instruction manual on _How To Be Your Own Best Mime_. I laugh out loud and roll my eyes at James. Mimes and Mutes. Very funny.

“I do talk now, you know,” I say but put on the short white gloves and a blank stare, pretending to press at an invisible wall in front of me.

“Practice later! It’s my turn!” Sirius is as excited as a little boy on Christmas. He pounces onto the gift from Remus and opens the box with an air of triumph pulling out…a dog collar and a bag of dog snacks. James rolls over the floor laughing as Remus and I both try to keep a straight face as Sirius pelts us all with the dog treats.

“It’s not,” pelt, “that,” pelt, “funny!” pelt.

“Keep looking Padfoot,” Remus grins, dusting himself from dog treat, “I looked into wizarding apartments in London, there’s some information inside.”

Sirius ends his tirade of canine snacks abruptly and digs into the box pulling out pamphlets and papers which he promptly scans. He looks back to Remus with a considerably more sensitive expression. 

“Thanks, Remus.”

Remus shrugs in response and passes a gift to me before Sirius snatches it away.

“James and I always exchange last,” Sirius protests. “It’s tradition. Here, Calliope, open mine first.”

Remus rolls his eyes and puts his gift to me back under the tree as Sirius shoves a long black velvet box into my hand. This looks…expensive. And sort of jewelry like…I thought Sirius and I were done with the “Make Remus Jealous” phase. Remus opens James’ gift to reveal The Beginner’s Healer Kit.

Remus wants to be healer? 

“For when we graduate,” James explains. “I mean, obviously you’ll still have us around to help for the full moons. But now you’ll have your own personal Madame Pomfrey as well.”

“Sans nagging,” I point out.

Remus grins and thanks James who has already begun to meticulously open his gift from Remus.

James grins at the book in his hands, “I resent this, Moony,” and holds it up for us to see; _So You Got The Girl Of Your Dreams, Now You Have To Keep Her._

“Moony, he’s already read that cover to cover,” Sirius snorts and James throws a discarded dog biscuit back at his friend.

I stare down at the velvet box in my hands apprehensively and James and Remus look at it with curiosity.

“I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about this, Cal,” Sirius warns me. “I actually stole it from the Black family heirlooms. But Flitwick helped me clean it out for you. So…yeah. Just open it, I guess.”

I snap open the lead to reveal a large round, silver locket with delicate, swirling filigree on a long thin chain. Holy crap.

“It’s a little feminine for my taste,” Sirius jokes but I can detect the slight note of nervousness.

“It’s beautiful!” I assure him, gaping at the gift. No one’s ever given me anything like this, let alone a guy, even if he is just my friend.

“Look inside the locket,” Sirius tells me. 

I look up to see James watching Sirius with open curiosity and Remus giving his friend a guarded suspicious glance. I lift the locket delicately from the box and open it.

Rather than two pictures, there’s a scene playing inside. I gasp. It’s the finish of the duel Remus and I staged. And there we are! Nose to nose, smiling at each other. At the time it was a relaxed moment for me, I was just relived to not have wiped out into the grease. But in this image, with the look that Remus and I are sharing, it’s a completely different scene. Suddenly it changes, the locket plays the slow dance at the ball. Remus’ head brushes against my cheek and I can almost feel his five o’clock shadow brushing against my cheek all over again. 

James starts to lean over, “What is it?”

I snap the locket shut and throw the chain over my neck, tucking it underneath my sweater. I smile at Sirius warmly.

“It’s perfect.”

“You can add more later,” Sirius tells me.

It’s almost a consolation prize. Maybe, in the end, Remus and I won’t work out the way I hope. But now I’ll always have those two moments. And as cheesy as it sounds, now they’re right next to my heart…literally.

“Your turn Sirius,” Remus cuts in, looking mildly disgruntled.

Hmmm…maybe the jealousy phase wasn’t officially over.

I bite my lip, my gift to Sirius is completely lousy in comparison to his magical heirloom. But Sirius doesn’t seem the least disappointed by the mix tape, and announces excitedly that he hasn’t heard a single song on it. He pulls out a t-shirt for The Magic Hat, a punk wizard band, that I bought him at The Wizard’s Rubbish, and vows to never wear it to the band’s show and break the first show rule.

Finally, Remus hands over his gift to me once again and I pass mine to him. Remus grins at the title of the book I bought for him; _An Intellectual’s Prank Lexicon_.

“You’ll note,” Remus grins, holding up the book for James and Sirius to see, “That she gave this to me, and not either of you.”

“Just face it, Moony,” Sirius snorts, “Another year, another book.”

Right. Because he probably gets books from everyone, every year. Ah well, creativity was never my strong suit.

“But a very good book,” Remus assures me with a warm smile.

Yes well, I rather liked it myself.

James opens his gift from Sirius which reveals itself to be a large cake with sloppy writing that reads “Best Mates Forever” before quickly transfiguring into a photo album of the Marauder’s time at Hogwarts.

“Sirius, I didn’t know you liked photography,” James muses.

“Are you mad? I paid first years to take all those.”

“That explains why there are none from first year,” Remus snorts.

“That was a bad hair year for me,” Sirius sniffs.

I wait anxiously for their marital bickering to end before tearing into my gift from Remus while trying to maintain some semblance of nonchalance.

“Another year, another book,” repeats Sirius as my gift reveals itself to be a book.

But not just any book. It’s _Marchibald’s Complete Guide To Stars And Their Surrounding Masses_. This is every Astronomy geeks bible! I notice that it seems to be used and I flip open the cover to discover that… Oh yes! It’s a First Edition. This is amazing. They’re already well into printing 10 th editions by now.

“Remus! This is a first edition! It’s practically priceless!” I consider my statement and amend it, “Well…to people like me.”

I look to Remus who blushes ever so slightly and smiles. It’s clear that he had no idea that by buying a used copy he would be stumbling on something so fantastic for me. But that’s what is even more wonderful about it.

“Oi!” Sirius points above our heads. “Mistletoe. You have to kiss.” Sirius smirks and I wonder if he conjured the mistletoe, but I don’t really care.

Remus’ blush spreads out over his cheeks and darkens slightly but he sits up from his leaning position.

Oh holy crap. I’m about to receive my first ever kiss from Remus Lupin. Okay, yes, it would be a littler nicer if it was completely voluntary. And maybe if Sirius and James weren’t watching intently. 

I duck my eyes and James give me a slight nudge forward on my shoulder. Remus tilts his head to the side and a final flutter of panic and delight rushes through me before he sets a pair of warm, full lips down on mine brushing for barely a second. But that tiny second is enough to send little, fuzzy electric shocks through my insides. My eyelids fall shut and I try not to sigh as he pulls his mouth away. His face hovers near mine and I resist the urge to grab him by the shoulders and give him a proper kiss. He lets out a small sigh and the hot air rushes over my cheeks as he sits back on his heels.

I lift my eyelids but keep my eyes cast down.

“What?” Sirius asks. “That’s it?”

‘That’s it,’ is right. I want more!!

“Don’t you have another present to open?” I joke quietly instead.

Hours later, after we’ve gorged ourselves on the last of the food from the house elves, and opened the last lingering present, and even after the slight shyness fades away between Remus and I again, we get up to leave the Room of Requirement.

Sirius brushes past me in the doorway and whispers in my ear, “That’ll be another memory for your new locket.”

I swat him away like the bug he is. But he’s right. That’s one period of five seconds that I never want to forget.

 

_AN: Gah. Ridiculously long filler chapter if you ask me. But a nice one I hope. Lots more excitement up next chapter. Read, Enjoy, Review!_


	15. Love Is The New Feel Awful

  


Chapter Fifteen

Love is the New Feel Awful

Happy New Years! Well, not yet, but in under an hour. Sirius and James smuggled bottles of Belinda’s Extra Bubbly Champagne into the castle and Remus sweet talked the house elves into our own private dinner in the Astronomy Tower. I set the table and lit the candles.

Since Christmas the Marauders have either been trailing behind me like lost pets, or dragging me around the castle. Apparently without Peter they are left “unbalanced”. I think they were unbalanced to begin with. But I can’t really complain, I’ve gotten to know Remus better than I ever expected to. We’ve had long conversations, which besides being a major feat in my relationship with him, is a major feat in any relationship for me. But Remus is patient and non judgmental and I find it increasingly easier to talk with him.

Sirius and James have become like the brothers I never wanted. James and I have secretly been supporting each other through the transition of the holidays without family. Sirius placed the memory of the kiss in the locket. I try not to dwell on it. Although my efforts are rather mild because I open the locket several times a day at least, when I’m alone. It scares me sometimes, if Remus never sees me as more than a friend I’ll be left a heartbroken wreck sighing at a locket all day long. I’d rather he never know how I felt and we stayed as we are than he find out and our friendship be ruined.

He doesn’t need to know. I don’t _have_ to tell him anything. I may be shoulder deep in Sirius’ scheming but that doesn’t mean I have to make the first move. I can just go along as I am till Remus does something, and if he never does than I never will either. I’ll be stuck in delicious, friendly torture for the rest of my life. Better that than all alone again.

“She’s gone from mute to deaf,” Sirius laughs.

I snap my head around from staring out the window to my friends. “What?”

James and Sirius snicker at my obliviousness whereas Remus only smiles and looks curious. The levels of sensitivity he has surpassed his friends in is astounding. 

“Padfoot and I have some business to attend to on the lawn, can we trust you to keep Moony company?”

“Aren’t the faculty having a party on the lawn?” I ask.

“Are they, Prongs?” Sirius asks innocently, instantly giving away his guilt.

“I hadn’t heard anything, Padfoot,” James answers even more innocently. “Had you heard anything, Moony?”

Remus rolls his eyes. “Just go do whatever it is you feel needs to be done and keep me out of it.”

Sirius and James huff in unison and leave arm in arm.

“They’ll appreciate us one day,” James assures Sirius.

Remus laughs as a moment later Sirius darts back around the corner and barks at us, “Don’t forget to drink the bubbly!”

The tall blue bottle sits on the table between us and Remus and I glance awkwardly between it and each other.

“Shall we?” I ask.

Remus looks tempted but shakes his head, “I don’t really drink. You go ahead.”

I snort. Get sloppy, giggly drunk with a sober Remus? Nope. “There are rules about drinking alone. Namely; don’t do it.”

Remus grins and gives the bottle a considering look. “Is there enough alcohol in that bottle to allow me to make a fool of myself?”

I smile. “Only if I let you drink it by yourself, which I won’t.”

Remus sighs and hides a smile, taking the bottle and starting to open it. “You know,” he says, “I never really pegged you for the peer pressure type.”

I learned it from Sirius. But it’s hardly like Remus took very much pressure. Remus pours the fizzy, glittery liquor into our glasses.

“Do we give a cheers?” he asks and I shrug.

We lift our glasses and wait for the other to give the toast. Remus chuckles and then clears his throat. “Fine umm…” his eyes stare off and he tilts his head, scrambling for a toast. I take the opportunity to admire him, he looks especially healthy in the candlelight, and very romantic. His face lights up suddenly and he focuses back to me. “To us, for striking up our friendship finally, if not a little late.”

I can’t imagine my life having known Remus the way I do now.

“To us,” I chorus as our glasses chink against one another and we drink.

“What’s your New Years resolution?” Remus asks me after a beat of silence.

“I hadn’t come up with one yet,” I admit.

“Neither have I. Any ideas?”

I think you should resolve to love me. I have the feeling that might not go over smoothly. I turn my face away from his steady gaze to think. There’s nothing I don’t like about Remus. I appreciate everything I know about him. I wish he had as much confidence in himself as I do. Ooo. I’m on to something there. I never would have known how insecure he was until lately. He came off as a Marauder, slightly cheeky and very intelligent, sure of himself. It took time to see that he placed most of his self worth in his friends and left very little in himself.

“I wish you were more confident,” I confess, surprising myself. I hazard a glance to see Remus looking surprised but not offended. I smirk, “What would you suggest for me?”

A tilted smiles creeps over Remus face as his eyes run over me. His nostrils flare when he thinks about things. How cute. I fidget under the cool glow of his eyes and drink my champagne a little more quickly than what might be advisable.

“I wish you talked more,” Remus says with a hint of humor.

I roll my eyes. He can’t be serious. I’m practically a chatterbox compared to the beginning of the year.

“I know you think I‘m joking,” Remus protests to my skepticism, “But I mean it. I never know what you’re thinking anymore. You used to give away what you were thinking with your expression at the start of term. You might talk more now, but you’re more guarded too. I just wish you were more open.”

“You weren’t looking as hard at the start of term,” I point out, my mouth jumping ahead of my brain. It’s probably true though. Remus didn’t really know me well, and he certainly wasn’t as interested.

“I trust you, Calliope. Do you trust me?” He looks so serious, and sort of hurt. 

This isn’t just about me talking about what I had for breakfast, or which classes I had for the day. He knows it’s me that’s keeping secrets now, and not him. Although to be fair, I discovered his lycanthropy, he didn’t tell me about it. And it isn’t that I don’t trust him! It’s just that _he_ is my secret. Secret loves aren’t supposed to be the sort of thing to create rifts in new friendships, but I guess that shows how much I know. I trust him…don’t I? Do I trust him not to hurt me if I tell him that I love him? Do I trust him to not treat me as if I’m half broken if I tell him that I have lupus? Maybe I don’t. How can I claim to love someone if I can’t even trust them completely? But maybe there are some secrets that take more time.

“I…” I try to scramble for some explanation.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that,” Remus says quickly.

“Don’t be. I just…Anna and I never shared secrets. And my parents never asked to know about certain things.” 

Remus and I look everywhere but at each other. He wants me to open up and I want him to pretend that I don’t keep secrets from him. The idea of giving myself away to Remus terrifies me, my heart literally picks up the pace in nervousness at the thought. But I can try for him, I can at least consider the possibility. 

“I accept your challenge,” I say quietly with a half smile. “I can’t guarantee anything, but I’ll try to be more open.” Remus catches my eye and I can tell already that he’s oddly happy to hear that. 

“Then I’ll try and give myself more credit,” Remus tells me, “Although I’m not sure exactly what you mean.”

Our eyes lock and I can feel a blush spread out over my cheeks but I hope that the rosy candlelight might hide me. Speaking of wanting to know what someone is thinking, I would give any amount of Galleons to know what’s going on in Remus’ head when he looks at me. Remus looks down at his watch suddenly. Maybe his eyes weren’t as locked as mine. 

“Come on,” Remus says standing. “It’s almost midnight and I have the feeling we’ll want a good view of the lawn to see what Sirius and James are up to.”

Remus refills our drinks with a mischievous grin and I follow him out to the Tower balcony. It’s a cold winter night but there isn’t any wind so it could be worse. I pull my cloak tight around me, the last thing I need is another mysterious visit to hospital wing to make Remus feel like I’m keeping secrets from him. Remus reaches out and tucks me into his cloak, under his arm.

“Can’t have you catching another cold,” Remus says, drinking casually and reading my mind.

It’s a simple and friendly gesture but it’s exciting for me to be so close to Remus again. I want to take the opportunity to just close my eyes and memorize the feel of his slender form against mine, or the way he smells sort of like pine sap and sour apples. (An odd but intoxicating mixture.) I can’t indulge for fear of getting caught, however. I peek up through my bangs to find him looking down at me.

“You smell like chocolate,” Remus tells me.

“Sirius bought me the perfume,” I admit.

“He gives you a lot of romantic gifts for all the bickering you two do,” Remus laughs.

“He’s a romantic, it’s all he knows,” I say.

“You’re right. He’s very romantic for all his bravado,” Remus smiles fondly. “He has this thing about New Years, he always insists upon spending it with a date. He says ‘you have to bring the New Years on a good note, and what’s a better note than a kiss’,” Remus mimics Sirius voice and then pauses, blushing. 

I agree wholeheartedly with Sirius. Oh and look! How convenient that Remus and I just happen to be cuddling minutes before the New Year chimes in, hopefully on Sirius’ ‘good note.’

“So that means that whatever he and James are up to, it’s better than a kiss?” I ask, changing the subject to ease Remus‘ embarrassment.

“I suppose so,” Remus laughs. “It must be a prank.” Remus looks down to check his watch. “One minute.”

We grow silent as we look out over the landscape. The moon is half full, waning out to a sliver and lighting the grounds in a foggy half-light. As the last minute of 1976 ticks away bells go off in the tower. 

“That’s the count down,” Remus announces.

Nine, Eight, Seven…Is he going to kiss me? We peek at each other between the seconds, waiting for either of us to give some sort of sign…Four, Three…Please…One. Remus turns his face to me and I pick up an ounce of confidence and look back at him. Please kiss me. 

Suddenly a loud whistling flies up the side of the tower, whipping past us and exploding far above us in the sky. Beautiful red and blue and purple and gold blossoming explosions go off above us and our heads crane back to watch. Fireworks! Beautiful, sparkling, flowering, magical fireworks. The alcohol has set a hazy blissful feeling in my limbs which are trembling from the rumbling bass of the fireworks. It’s funny how I can learn to cast spells and charm flowers and fairies and yet something as manmade as a firework is still the epitome of magic.

“Beautiful,” I sigh, leaning back against the arm Remus draped across my shoulders, gazing up at the sky. I look back to Remus, ready for that kiss, to see him grinning at the doorway. I look over to see James and Sirius with satisfied expressions watching the fireworks. Damn. Not that I’m not glad to see them, or highly impressed by the fireworks they set off. Still…they couldn’t have waited just one more minute to come boast? But what would I have done if we had kissed anyways?? 

I should just face it, I’m in way over my head.

I look back up and watch the fireworks with a smile. Remus still has me folded inside his cloak, tucked under his arm against his chest. I might be drowning but it’s under beautiful circumstances.

Sirius and James turn my quiet evening with Remus into a small party again, passing the bottles of champagne in such a manner that none of us even realize how much we drink. All my thoughts are bubbling up to my mouth just waiting to burst out as I twist my lips together to keep my secrets safe. I know that if I was naturally just a little more reckless the words would come spilling out and I would be laid bare. It’s half tempting, knowing that Remus wants me to tell him everything. If I was more tipsy and a little more brave, he could get his wish. 

As Remus teaches James to waltz with awkward, halting steps, Sirius sidles over to me. He sits down and wraps and arm around me, our sides touching and leans to my ear whispering,

“Did Remus kiss you?”

I blush and shake my head and my vision wobbles back and forth.

“Damn. I thought he was going to.” Sirius huffs and his forehead bumps against mine, “He’s not very smart sometimes. If it was me, I would have done it ages ago.”

“But then you wouldn’t be very Remus…ish,” I remind him and he grins.

“Right. And then…then there would be nothing.”

Right. Something like that. It almost makes sense…I think. Everything’s a little vague.

“Sirius!” 

Sirius and I look over to see Remus looking a little temperamental.

“What’s up, Moons?” Sirius asks.

“Stop kissing Calliope!” Remus huffs.

“He didn’t kiss me,” I protest.

“I didn’t kiss her…No one kissed Calliope,” Sirius adds.

He’s right and it’s so sad.

“They weren’t kissing mate,” James assures Remus. “They were whispering.”

“They’re always whispering!” Remus complains, “I was Calliope’s favorite until she and Sirius started whispering.”

“I never whisper,” I say proudly. There is a pause before the Marauder’s tension dissipates into a fit of giggling.

“Of course you don’t love,” Sirius laughs and stands, pulling me up with him.

I stumble a bit trying to relocate the floor.

“Let’s get her to bed,” James suggests and he and the others cloud around me.

“I don’t think I’m as far gone as I feel,” I assure them which causes another fit of laughter.

“That’s how it usually works,” Remus tells me.

Not like he would know, he’s the one who doesn’t usually drink. Then again, I don’t usually drink like this. Remus has an arm around my shoulders and I lean into him. I gawk at him from under the cover of my bangs. He’s amazing to look at, sort of rough looking, with scars and stubble and his sandy hair and slightly brownish pale skin. But there’s a brightness that glows around him, barely there but just enough. It fades in and out with the moon at times, but it’s always there. I could let it all spill out right now. I could stop walking, wrap my arms around him and tell him that I love him and I think he’s exactly right in every way. But I won’t. I could stop walking right now and grab him and pull him in for a real kiss. But I won’t. Remus glances down and catches my eye and smiles. I drag my eyes forward and notice James and Sirius stalking their prey.

Poor Severus Snape. I know how it feels being pestered by Marauders all the time…not that they’re malicious to me. At least not very.

“Snivellous!” Sirius cries out stumbling towards the Slytherin. “Happy New Year! I recommend that your resolution should center along the lines of shampoo and it’s uses.”

“Very original, Sirius,” Remus snorts, “You haven’t suggested shampoo eight hundred times already.”

“It’s after curfew,” Severus rasps out with a sneer. “I can report you.”

“And get in trouble yourself?” James snorts. “You’d have to serve detention with us.”

Severus frowns at the thought and his eyes narrow and sweep over us stopping at me. 

“I’m not in the mood for this,” I blurt out and the others look at me curiously. Where was I going with this, anyways? “This whole boy superiority match thing that you’re about to start. I’m tired. So I’m leaving.” I slip out from under Remus’ arm and step lightly down the stairs. There’s a brief pause before a cacophony of footsteps follow me down.

“We’ll prove we’re superior later, Snivelly. You can count on it,” Sirius calls behind.

Remus catches up to me and returns his arm around my shoulders. “That’s the second time you’ve done that. Thanks.”

I really am just tired.

***

Here’s to the last day of holidays. The Marauders are back in their common room with their return to balance. Not that they left me without threats of seeing me soon. Melody returned and we had a nice long chat where I briefly mentioned the Christmas Kiss as I call it. She seems to think I’m on the verge of a breakthrough. I think I’m heading towards a breakdown. The Common Room was so full of kissing couples that I’ve escaped back to the library. But I can’t help but notice Severus Snape keeps passing by my nook and peering at me. It’s starting to get a little unnerving.

Oh, and there he is again. And he’s stopping…and he’s turning and walking towards me. This should be interesting.

“You’re Calliope DeSole,” Severus tells me.

“And you’re Severus Snape.”

“You only know my name because the Marauders harass me.”

“We were potions partners in third year.”

Severus frowns and looks distracted. I know he’s trying to remember this. “Okay. Right.”

Does he need something? Severus sits down across from me. He is sort of greasy, but he’s a teenager and these things happen. I’m more put off by his direct and mildly rude manner.

“You’re from good blood,” Severus informs me.

Yep. I nod.

“Those…Marauders,” the word rolls off his tongue like bile, “ Are blood traitors and filth.”

“That would depend on your perspective,” I reply.

He’s actually easy for me to talk to. He’s fairly awkward and at least he gets to his point. 

“I see.” He frowns a lot. “They’re dangerous as well. You should be careful.”

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” I tell him.

“Gentleness can be a mask to hide darker violence.”

Er, is he referring to Remus? But how could he know?

“I’m still not sure what you’re talking about.”

“Lupin isn’t just a half blood by parentage,” Severus sneers and I can tell by his expression that he’s excited to tell me this. To give away this secret that isn’t his at all to give.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say again, a little stern.

“He’s a werewolf,” Snape whispers. “Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed all the clues.”

I try not to give a reaction. He could be guessing and if he is it isn’t going to be me that gives away Remus’ secret to this jerk. And if he isn’t guessing? How could he know? And if he’s just telling people…Remus has to do something.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say for the last time, adding a touch of obliviousness and innocence. Severus narrows his eyes. He must realize that I already know. He frowns again and with a frustrated growl, pushes away from the table and storms away. I wonder if he thought he was doing me a favor, according to his standards. I had sort of inadvertently stopped Sirius from harassing him twice now. Maybe he thought he would return the generosity by warning me against Remus. Or maybe he was just being an ass and trying to hurt Remus. Which is not something I stand for.

I rise and gather my books together and move slowly out of the library. I don’t want Snape catching me and following me. And with any luck I’ll find a Gryffindor who can find Remus. Luck seems to be on my side suddenly. Stepping out of the Library I see Remus leaving the Great Hall with the Marauders and Lily.

“Calliope!” Sirius calls and waves upon spotting me.

I rush over and catch eyes with Remus. “Can I talk to you?”

“What’s wrong?” he asks, eyes running over my frown and furrowed brow.

“Not here,” I say. 

“I’ll catch up with you lot later, yeah?” Remus asks, but moves to me without waiting for their answers. “What’s up?”

I look around for the closest private location and catch sight of a door. With any luck it’ll be a little roomier than a broom closet.

“We need privacy,” I tell Remus peeking into the door. It’s a broom closet, but a roomy one at least. I’ll take what I can get. 

Remus raises an eyebrow and looks a little apprehensive but follows me in.

“Severus just cornered me in the library,” I say as soon as the door clicks shut.

“Severus as in Severus Snape?” Remus asks in surprise. “What did he want? Did he do anything?”

“He told me you were a werewolf.” I say in one breath.

Remus is silent for a moment and then says slowly, “I thought you already knew that.”

“Of course I did! But why does he know?”

“Wait…He _told_ you?”

“No I made that bit up, Remus. Yes. He told me.”

“Does he know that you know?”

I sigh and bite my lip, “I don’t think so. He was trying to warn me.”

“What did you say?” Remus asks me. He looks troubled with his head ducked and his hands stuffed roughly in his pockets.

“I said I didn’t know what he was talking about…four times. Should I have acted surprised?”

“No. No, that’s fine.” Remus sighs and runs his hand over his face, “I can’t believe he told you. He swore secrecy to Dumbledore.”

“Why…how did he find out?”

Remus’ face darkens, “It’s a long story.”

Not one he’s fond of evidently. Consider the subject dropped.

“Do you think…How did Emmeline find out?” I ask carefully.

Remus sucks in a breath. “ _Bastard_. If he did, that is…either way, actually.”

“I’m sorry, Remus. I thought you should know.”

“This is bad. Too many people know. I never wanted anyone to know,” Remus moaned. “If anyone else finds out, Dumbledore could get into so much trouble…and I owe him so much.”

I bite my lip a little harder, not entirely sure how to help.

“Calliope, you would never tell anyone would you?” Remus asks quietly.

I’m glad it’s dark to hide my surprise. I’m a little hurt that he would even think that. 

“Of course not!”

“It’s just…I mean, I know you’re close with Melody. And I know she’s nice but she talks a lot.”

“Remus, I barely tell you and Melody any of _my_ secrets. I would never give her yours. Her or anyone else for that matter.”

“I’m putting myself and Dumbledore at risk by trusting so many people with this,” Remus says angrily.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m just not sure if I should be so close with so many people.”

As in me. He’s not sure if he can trust me not to blab, me of all people. The girl who barely talks. His voluntary mute.

My mouth opens and closes but nothing comes out.

“The Marauders are like my brothers, I could never have kept it from them, but now four more people know.”

“What are you going to do? Obliviate us?” I ask, trying to keep the fleck of bitterness out of my voice.

“What? No, It’s not that. I just…I always knew I should keep my distance from everyone. I should just go back to that. I’m sorry Calliope, I just don’t know what to do.”

Stupid, stupid, stupid Severus Snape. And stupid me. I should have told Sirius or James. But I ran to Remus and now he’s telling me that the best solution to the problem isn’t to just sort out Snape, but to stop being so friendly. With me. Because he’s not friendly with Emmeline or Severus. And he can’t get rid of Lily. So that just makes me the problem. And I never get to see where this leads, this whole hesitating Remus plus me thing that was sort of starting to happen and now seems to be rapidly unraveling. I’m confused and a little insulted and freakishly scared and disappointed.

I kept telling myself that I would just wait until he did something. Until he made the definitive move. I never expected it to be “hey, let’s stop being friends.” And as he rattles on about all the consequences of his lack of secrecy and all of the horrible ways everyone will find out about his lycanthropy, my thoughts are more selfish. I’m going to lose him and there’s nothing I can do about it. I mean, I know that’s not the final word. I’m not completely stupid and I know that he’ll sort out what he’s worried about right now and eventually we’ll be back to friends. It could be the end of the year before our relationship is back where we are now. And I want more than that. I don’t want us to graduate and lose touch as ‘just friends’. But maybe…maybe I should just find out now. Skip the waiting till he knows what’s going on his head and skip the whole getting to be friends again bit and just find out now. Because I need to know. And if I’m going to lose him, temporarily even, I want to know if it’s worth fighting for all over again. Or if I’m just wishing for something that will never happen.

“Calliope, don’t be mad,” Remus says sadly, shaking me out of my thoughts just as I’ve reached a decision. 

“I’m not. I’m scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“Of how you’re going to react.”

Remus takes in a breath as I step forward and close the distance between us. Just do it. He wants to stop talking to you anyways, you might as well know now.

“React to what?” he whispers.

I reach my hands up and slip them around his neck and lean in and press my lips gently against his. My heart is pounding like crazy and I’m sure he can feel it against his chest because I’m pretty sure I can feel his. My fingers sneak their way into his hair as I press myself against Remus a little more, lips and everywhere else. It feels perfect, although I don’t know if he would agree. He sets his hands on my shoulders.

 

_AN: OH SNAP! Yeah. Review and I'll update yo. Hehe._


	16. Not Addicted

  


Chapter Sixteen

Not Addicted

 

 

Whoa. Whoa! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

One minute I’m freaking out because I can see my life in fast forward crumbling around me as one by one the entire student body finds out about my lycanthropy. And now suddenly Calliope has her fingers playing through my hair and a very wonderful pair of lips pressed against mine. As well as her chest, hips and legs. 

__

Whoa.

__

I was vaguely aware of her moving forward, but I was sort of caught up in imagining my life toppling over. Damn, she feels good. I should…remove her or something. My eyes fall shut as her lips press harder against my mouth. What if she tries to move away? I can’t let her move away. Ever. I reach up to her shoulders and pull her flush against me. Our lips part and connect again. It’s like she’s breathing me in, and I like the idea because I think I would feel safer if I had her surrounding me. Her lips move against mine and I follow her obediently, never wanting our mouths to separate. 

It’s actually sort of surprising. I’ve fantasized about kissing Calliope for weeks now, but I always imagined delivering feather light kisses so I didn‘t scare her away. I never expected her to be so powerful. I sigh into her mouth and my hands run down her back to the curve in her waist. My fingers dig into her sides slightly as she very gently sets her teeth into my bottom lip. Her fingers knot themselves into my short hair. I want to taste her. As if answering my mental request Calliope flicks her tongue across my lips and I immediately open my mouth and let her in and she returns the favor. 

Our legs tangle around one another. My heart beat slows to the rhythm of our lips. She doesn’t taste like food, or toothpaste, or chocolate, or juice or any of the flavors I’ve come across before. She’s bitter and slightly sweet and human. Calliope nudges her head away from mine gently, pulling slightly on my lower lip before breaking away. She takes a deep breath and it reminds me to do the same. We keep a tight hold on one another and let the oxygen run back into our brain.

Wow. 

“Where did that come from?” I ask, noting the raspy tone of my voice.

“I just wanted to know if I could kiss you before you stopped talking to me,” Calliope says quietly. Her eyes are bright and she looks sort of wild and happy and strong.

“Stopped talking to you?”

“You were just saying that you needed to distance yourself from everyone,” she reminds me. She leans forward and my eyes shut again as her lips land along my jaw line, making a trail of soft and slightly moist kisses.

“I didn’t mean you.” Actually, I did. But I was being stupid. Consider me cured.

“Yes you did.”

“I don’t anymore,” I tilt my head down and catch her lips with mine again, taking quick, strong, hungry kisses in succession. A murmur of pleasure rises from her throat and encourages me. I push her back against the wall and she wraps a leg around my hip. Her arms slide down to my back and I move my hands into her hair, admiring how thick and soft it is between my fingers. I’ve always wanted to touch her hair. I love the way Calliope isn’t backing down, she’s only pulling me further.

Spit fire. 

Durocher, although I hate to admit it, was right. No one who knew her would ever expect to find Calliope in a broom cupboard snogging heavily with her leg wrapped around a guy. Then again, most people wouldn’t expect that of me either…being the guy, I mean. Unless they knew that I had the sexual appetite of a wolf. I slow our kisses down. She might not stop me but I don’t want to rush her. I tug on her hair and she leans her head back as I run my mouth over the exceptionally tender white skin on her neck.

I ease away and rest my forehead against hers.

“I take it you don’t object,” Calliope sighs and I can hear the smile in her voice.

I reply with a strong kiss before stepping back and unpinning her from the wall.

“Thank you for knocking me out of my self-pity,” I tell her. “That was a most welcome diversion.”

“Anytime,” Her voice is low and I know she meant that as a playful tease but something in the tone makes me want to ravage her all over again.

“I might hold you to that,” I laugh.

Calliope moves forward and I expect that it isn’t just me that can’t seem to step away from what just occurred. But as we kiss it’s a little more relaxed and doesn’t seem to be winding me up as much. Still, there’s a confidence in her touch that I don’t recognize from just talking to her as friends. When she steps away again it’s her shy, awkward smile but there’s something more to it, a sort of satisfaction. She peeks out the door and looks back at me, and I admire away the light from the hall falls over her eyes, the thick lashes around her eyes cast sultry shadows. I like how red and full her lips look, knowing that I made them that way makes them even more tempting.

“Hall’s empty,” she tells me.

“It’s probably getting late.” What do I do now? I don’t really want to leave this cupboard, it’s quickly become one of my favorite places in the whole of Hogwarts.

Calliope reaches out a hand and I take it. We walk out of the cupboard unseen.

“I’ll walk you to your Common Room,” I offer. I want to kiss you again…and again and again.

She reads my mind and leans over, delivering a long kiss. “Don’t bother. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She sneaks away from me after I pull her in for another kiss. I can’t get enough. She’s like my new chocolate. Hell, Calliope’s a lot more fun than chocolate. I watch her walk towards the steps to the dungeons. I bite my lip and try to hid my grin, even though there isn’t anyone to see, before darting up the stairs towards Gryffindor Tower.

Ever since the last full moon I’ve been driving myself insane trying to decide what to do about my crush on Calliope. Should I ignore it? Ask her to Hogsmeade? Tell her how I felt? I had never seriously considered the possibility of just kissing her. I didn’t think she would go for that. I liked the idea, it popped up into my head when I kissed her under the mistletoe. I just wasn’t sure if it was the route to take. Now the second I decide to just back off completely and separate myself from her, she jumps me.

Awesome.

It certainly took the nervousness and pressure off of me. She likes me…a lot from what I can tell. 

Brilliant!

I walk into the Gryffindor Common Room grinning like a dope and half considering racing down to the dungeons to steal one more kiss. My friends are lounging around the fire waiting for me.

“There you are!” James calls to me. “What was Calliope so upset about?”

“Oh,” I try and clear the smile off my face, but I’m not sure whether or not I’ve completely succeeded. “I have to go talk to Dumbledore. Evidently Snape tried to give away my furry little problem to Calliope.”

My friends burst into a flurry of outrage. I’d like to be mad with them, but I can’t manage it. I give them a half smile in thanks and wander to the stairs to the dormitory. I hear them fall silent behind me in confusion but I’m looking forward to the peace of sleep to replay the evening over in my head, and looking forward to seeing Calliope tomorrow.

***

Five days. Five days since Calliope and I started stealing kisses from one another. I expected that on Monday morning I would be greeted by an attentive Calliope and a hall of curious onlookers. Instead, Calliope passed the Gryffindor table with a quick hello to everyone and a very subtle touch at the back of my neck. Melody and all the other sixth year Hufflepuff girls didn’t give us a second glance. In my experience a girl’s friends know that the girl has been kissed practically as soon as the kiss happens. So it took me a little off guard at first. And then I realized that none of my friends knew either, and I felt excited.

It’s been years since I’ve had a secret from the Marauders, I like telling them everything really. It isn’t as though I’m apprehensive to tell them that Calliope and I have kissed, either. I know that they’ll throw a party as soon as they find out. But I like watching Calliope during class or meals and having our eyes meet and sharing a smile and no one sees us because no one is looking. We sit together in our classes and let our hands and legs brush against one another, I don’t even mind my loss of concentration. I like following her out of the Great Hall to meet her in a secluded corridor for a quiet moment. I like the idea that when we study alone together in the library I could kiss her if I wanted to, and sometimes I do. 

“Calliope!” Sirius announces jovially, “You’re looking lovely today.”

I look up, trying not to seem too eager. She’s in her Hufflepuff uniform but she hasn’t thrown on her robes yet and I find myself admiring the lithe shape under the starched cotton. Her hair is up and I think she might have a touch of makeup on because her eyes are standing out and sparkling more than I’m accustomed to. The pink streak in her hair is now turquoise. Her glance meets mine and the corners of her mouth turn up and I duck my head to hide my own smile.

“Cal, we’re having a slumber party tonight,” James tells her excitedly.

“We are?” I ask.

Sirius narrows his eyes at me, “We’ve just been talking about it all morning, Rem. Where were you?”

I take a big bite of breakfast to hide the fact that I have no answer for him. 

“Can Melody come?” Calliope asks. Sirius and Melody gave each other a stiff apology earlier in the week but no one was entirely sure where the situation stood.

Sirius shrugs as an answer and Calliope nods before making her way to me. 

“Do you have a free period today?” She asks me. 

“Right after lunch.”

Calliope smiles, “Me too. Are you busy? I told Professor Greene I would replant some of the kitchen herbs.”

“I’ll meet you in the greenhouse,” I tell her immediately. She smiles and I make a point not to watch her walk away.

“She didn’t ask for our help,” James notes to Sirius with a smirk.

“Can we help, Remus?” Sirius asks me. 

No. That’s Calliope and Remus time. “Ask her at lunch,” I suggest. Maybe she’ll say no for me.

“Go ask her now, she’s leaving the Great Hall,” Sirius orders me.

I fake a sigh and grab my things, catching up to Calliope before she reaches the door.

“James and Sirius want to help us plant herbs,” I tell Calliope.

Calliope bites the inside corner of her mouth and I know it means that she’s uncomfortable. “I actually made that up.”

I grin. Ha, I love it when she makes up excuses to see me.

“I suppose it’s hypothetically possible,” Calliope tells me, “I’m going to Herbology now.”

We leave the Great Hall and without a glance to one another we move to one of the less convenient, and therefore less trafficked, corridors.

“You just need to make up an equally convincing reason why Sirius and James can’t join us,” I suggest.

“Can’t join us on our pretend errand?” Calliope shakes her head, “I’ll ask Professor Greene if he needs help in the gardens.”

“Can I walk you there?” I ask her.

“Don’t you have class?”

“Of course. Potions.”

Calliope stops in the empty hallway and smiles at me, “You’ll be late.”

“I’m a Marauder, I can get away with late,” I assure her. “We’re usually late.”

Calliope shifts her books in her arm and steps up to me. I lower my head expectantly, looking forward to my late arrival to class, but all I get is a delicate brushing at the corner of my mouth.

“Not for me,” Calliope says, stepping back.

I pull her back, “You can’t dismiss me with so little compensation.”

Tension that I never even realized I had seeps away as Calliope meets me halfway for a kiss. I suck the flavor of blackberry jam off her lips and enjoy her bitter coffee breath.

“I like being late,” I protest as Calliope pulls away.

She smiles at me and walks away. I wait a moment before turning back and heading towards the dungeons contemplating why it is that “quiet” is the perfect word for her smile. I know very few people who make any noise when they smile, one would assume that all smiles are quiet. But there’s something about Calliope’s, how unpresumptuous it is. She doesn’t smile to prove that she’s happy, it sort of grows shyly out of her as if she can’t hold it back. There’s nothing forced or artificial about it, and it isn’t there to impress you. Sirius and James smile because they know how good they look when they do. Peter smiles to explain that he’s enjoying himself. Lily smiles as if she’s congratulating the world on pleasing her. Calliope has an honest smile, and one of the best smiles I can recall. 

I walk into the Potions classroom without incident and survey my options. James and Lily are paired together. Sirius and Dorcas are sitting together seeming surprisingly platonic and not at all awkward. Peter is looking at me expectantly, knowing that I typically sit with him to help his marks. But Severus Snape is sitting stoically by himself in the back corner and I do have a bit of business to attend to. Hestia takes my place with Peter as I slide my way into the seat next to Snape. The Marauders raise their eyebrows at me in an act of perfect synchronization and Snape sneers at me in confusion, outrage and disgust. I admire how he can work all theses emotions into one sneer. Very much like James’ talent for smirks, I realize.

It’s quite possible that a Slytherin and a Gryffindor haven’t sat together in a class since the days when Lily was friends with Snape. Or at least that’s what you would think with the looks the rest of the class are giving us. 

“What exactly do you think your doing?” Snape grinds out, the friction of his teeth making more noise than the hiss of his voice.

“Settle down Sni- Snape. I just needed a Potions Partner,” I assure him.

“I don’t work with half- _bloods_.” The emphasis on the last word reminds me that what he means is ‘half-breeds.’

“Suit yourself. Do all the work. But here comes Sluggy and you know how he hates it when we ask to switch seats. Inter-house unity, _mate_.” I wonder if he knows that when I say ‘mate’ I mean ‘scummy bastard’?

“If this is about that girl,” Snape mutters to me under his breath while copying down the notes on the board, “I didn’t say anything to her.”

I snort, and copy notes as well.

“I had considered it but I saw her following you to the Whomping Willow and I knew she would figure it out on her own,” He continued.

I frowned, this didn’t sound anything like what Calliope had said.

“What are you talking about?” I whisper.

Snape looks up through his stringy black curtain in surprise, “The blonde. The one that broke up with you.”

Emmeline. Well at least that clears up one of my questions.

“I’m not interested in her. I want to know why you talked to Calliope,” I whisper fiercely, no longer scribbling any coherent notes.

Snape’s eyes widen and then quickly narrow, “She knew then? I thought she was just stupid.”

I clench my hand around my quill and ignore his dig against Calliope. “Why did you tell her?”

“She isn’t like you, any of you.”

I look at him questioningly, not entirely sure what he means.

Snape frowns and it’s obvious he resents having to say what he’s about to admit, “She has good blood, a good family reputation…and she treats people halfway decently.”

I blink in astonishment at my parchment. Did Snape just pay someone a compliment?

“She isn’t like you either,” I protest.

“ _Obviously_ ,” Snape mocks. “She’s a Hufflepuff. They all sit somewhere in the middle of the scale, out of the way of everyone. And your lot will ruin her, and my lot will target her.”

Well then. This was hardly the explanation I had been expecting. Spite, jealousy, perhaps even a sort of backwards way of thanking Calliope for defending him, I could understand that from Snape. But he explains it as if he was protecting her. Not just from us Marauders but from Slytherins as well. I could almost understand his reasoning. Calliope isn’t a Gryffindor, a fact that we all recognize and enjoy in her. She is brave, I know that now, but it’s obvious that her bravery isn’t something she finds particularly valuable about herself. I admire it but it isn’t what draws me to her. I feel much simpler when I’m with Calliope, she addresses everything in a very straightforward fashion including my lycanthropy, as if every problem is a simple as the next. The only times I’ve seen her really struggle was at Anna and her parent’s deaths.

“We aren’t her friends because we want to change her,” I explain. Snape is silent. “I’m going to have to talk to Dumbledore.”

Snape flinches slightly, or perhaps he was nodding. It’s difficult to tell. We work through the rest of class in a tense silence.

 

I can’t sleep. Which is not to say that Lily didn’t outfit the Room of Requirement beautifully for the slumber party, although it certainly didn’t top Calliope’s creations over the break. It’s just that today was rather eventful. After my enlightening class with Snape, Lily pulled me aside to ask me if she could invite Emmeline. Lily was the type of person who had a very difficult time knowing that someone might not like her and had patched things up with her former friend over the winter break. And while Lily assured me that she hadn’t completely forgiven Emmeline for everything she had said and done, it was clear that it wouldn‘t be long. I had wanted to ask Lily if the situation could be avoided, I was still angry with Emmeline for the rumors she had started about Calliope, but I knew how much it would mean to Lily to see everyone together again. 

By the time Lunch rolled around James and Sirius had forgotten about tending the greenhouses and were determined to harass the house elves about our ‘slumber party’. I met Calliope alone in the greenhouse and we enjoyed a pleasant, quiet period together. I mentioned Emmeline to her and her face twisted slightly.

“I know, I don’t like her either,” I told her ruefully.

“You shouldn’t. I can believe how awful she was to you,” Calliope replied with a frown.

I tried to hide my grin, it was hard not to be pleased that Calliope disliked Emmeline for our breakup. I on the other hand, was fed up with Emmeline for what she said about Calliope. It was amusing and very satisfying.

And finally after dinner the actual slumber party took place. Awkward is too much of an understatement for the evening. Lily and James were cuddly and cute, Peter and Hestia attempted some form of the same but fell short with a lack of chemistry. Sirius and Melody were cool at best towards one another even though it was obvious that they would both rather being flirting. Emmeline had absolutely no idea who to talk to seeing as how all the other Marauders were ignoring her as well as Calliope and Melody. She had only Hestia and Lily who were fairly preoccupied. And she certainly wasn’t about to condescend enough to speak to me. As much as I wanted to spend the evening with Calliope, Sirius was in dire need of someone to entertain him as was Melody. And the problem with having a relationship and trying to keep it unnoticed is that you can’t be blatantly affectionate. 

Games were attempted, a round of spin the bottle was suggested before everyone realized how horribly disastrous it would be. Finally, after all the effort everyone put in on pretending they were having a good time, we collapsed. Except that I am still awake. I turn over and see Calliope cutely bundled in blankets in a dark corner, only the upper half of her face visible. I consider my options. I could stay here, bored and restless, or I could surreptitiously sneak into Calliope’s bundle and at least be happy and comfortable if not still wide awake. The room is heavy in the others snores and sleeping noises, it’s likely that I’ll make it to the corner without anyone noticing. And if they do notice? Then fine, I’ll admit that I’m ridiculously hung up on Calliope. 

I crawl across the floor, sneaking past Melody sprawled starfish and spilling over a couch. When I make it to Calliope I’m not entirely sure how to proceed. She’s snuggled tightly into blankets against a pile of pillows. I’d hate to wake her up but sitting outside the blanket doesn’t look nearly as cozy as sitting inside. Tentatively I reach out a tug at a corner of the blanket. Calliope stirs and her eyes very slowly flutter open and focus on me. She drops the corner of the blanket and smiles, opening up her cocoon just long enough to let me in before we wrap it back together. Inside, without needing any encouragement from me she nestles herself against my chest with my arms around her back. Already I can feel drowsiness sinking in, I relax and shut my eyes.

Calliope escapes early in the morning before anyone else wakes. I resist her departure, still half asleep with my arms tight around her, till she explains that she has an appointment with Madame Pomfrey. Reluctantly I let her go, groggy but aware that including those three days over Christmas Break where Calliope appeared nowhere on the Marauder’s Map but the infirmary, and this appointment, Calliope seems to be spending an increasing amount of time with Madam Pomfrey.

 

_AN: There you have it! Read, Enjoy, Review!_


	17. Calliopus

  


Chapter Seventeen

Calliopus

Remus Lupin was behaving strangely today. And it was doing nothing for my frayed nerves. I had promised myself at a young age, that I would never need personal affirmation from a guy. Okay, maybe my mom forced me to promise myself that after a minor argument she had with my father. But right now I really, really needed to know where I stood with Remus. In the past week and a half he had never once turned me away, broken a kiss or said even a remotely hurtful thing. Not that he had said many hurtful things in the past. More often than not lately, Remus was the one approaching or coaxing me to spend time together. Still, he hadn’t once mentioned our “status” or even that we had any defined relationship. When I was with him alone, he was affectionate and warm and I was overwhelmed with delight and relief. But the moment that anyone else entered the scene we were close, if not a little flirtatious, _friends_. 

And he hadn’t said that he thought I was pretty. 

It was something I really hated myself for wanting to hear, but I felt it would be one solid sign that he kissed me, not because I jumped him in a broom cupboard and seemed horribly desperate, but because he wanted to, and liked to. In the hopes of eliciting a response I had even done the unthinkable today. I had shortened my kilt skirt and worn heels. I was tramp. I had pulled my hair back as Sirius had constantly instructed me to and I had worn a little makeup. In a strange twist of fate it almost seemed as if Remus was now avoiding looking at me. 

It started at breakfast. The Marauders were sitting near the staircase and therefore noticed my entrance into the Great Hall immediately. James and Sirius wolf-whistled and winked respectively. Remus, however, went sickly pale at the sight of me before flushing, turning to Peter and starting a fierce discussion of Gobstones. I was fairly sure Remus had never before taken an interest in Gobstones. At his subtle rebuttal of my superficial efforts I escaped to my own house table to stew.

He was bored of me and I was sure of it. I looked at my legs. I thought they looked nice today, I had remembered to shave; there was nothing to object to. What was it that repulsed him so? I looked to the Gryffindor table and watched Remus play with his food restlessly. He thought I was desperate and was afraid to let me down. I caught Emmeline giving Remus sideways glances and felt a panic stir up inside of me. He was in love with her! I was his rebound girl! And if not that then maybe she was still weirdly in love with him and would get him back. Because after all, fairy princesses are more acceptable that mute waifs.

I’m still dwelling on this nightmarish idea in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Despite his obvious, sudden aversion to me, Remus took his usual seat with me in the back. However, I can tell he’s constantly aware of our positions and seems to be very careful not to allow us to touch as we usually do. I frown unhappily at my random, thoughtless notes.

“Stop tapping your foot,” Remus whispers.

I look up, wide-eyed and slightly offended. That’s the first thing he’s said to me all day.

“Sorry,” I mutter sullenly, trying not to take it all so personally. 

Out of the corner of my eye I see him turn to look at me, huff and then look away again. What the hell happened? He had seemed only mildly distant yesterday but we were both fairly busy with homework so it was understandable.

I try and hide my sigh and reach up to pull my hair down. It was starting to hurt my head anyways. Remus tenses up next to me as my hair falls down over my shoulders. Probably to make sure he doesn’t come in contact. I’m poisonous, it seems.

“I’m sorry, Calliope,” Remus whispers a few minutes later.

I don’t know which part he’s apologizing for and therefore can’t properly forgive him, so I stay quiet. His hand falls below the desk and finds mine, slipping his fingers through and locking on. I try not to smile. I peek up to see him staring straight ahead but with sheepish smile. He squeezes my hand and keeps a steady hold on it for the rest of class. When the class ends, everyone immediately rushes to pack up. Even the Professor seems in a rush to get to lunch.

“Wait for me,” Remus whispers. 

Remus stalls with his supplies as our friends leave ahead of us for lunch. I wait patiently till the class is empty except for Remus and I. 

“Why is your skirt so short?”

I blink and turn to see Remus frowning and staring rather fixedly at my legs. So he noticed. I bite my lip. “Is it too short?” I ask, afraid Remus now thinks I’m one of those over eager girls who wears a disgusting lack of fabric and over abundance of makeup.

“Uh…Well that’s a matter of…It’s just that it’s short and you have on heels and your hair is really shiny and you smell good and I think you might be wearing make up,” Remus gasps out in one breath. “Why?”

I blush and slink down into my seat, muttering, “I wanted to be pretty.”

Remus stares at me in the most horrible way. Obviously he thinks I’m insane. I’m hopeless.

“Calliope, you aren’t pretty,” OUCH!! “You’re _beautiful_!”

Damn he’s harsh…wait. Repeat that again.

“I mean, normally you are. Just as you, without heels or make up or short skirts. And with all that…er…well…I mean.” Remus huffs unhappily again and I begin to realize that his frustration isn’t actually directed at me. “It’s just that it’s near the full moon and everything….”

He’s looking at me hopefully, willing me to understand something that I clearly am not following on.

“Lycans have wolf urges around the full moon,” Remus tries again.

“Like for steak?” I offer.

“Um yeah…steak and…girls in short kilt skirts named Calliope. This particular lycan that is,” he finishes at a whisper, blushing darkly. “I just don’t want to push you too far…you’re a little too tempting for me.”

My mouth forms a little ‘o’ before I smile. “So you think I’m pretty?” I ask in a teasing tone.

Remus snorts, “That’s one way of putting it, Calliope.” 

He leans forward and sets a very hesitant, gentle kiss on my lips. The sensation isn’t so reminiscent of butterflies as much as lightening bugs. The quick, gentle, tickling sensations and the feeling of happy lights going off inside of you.

“I think you could safely push me a little farther than that,” I whisper with a smirk.

Remus reveals his wolfish grin and arches an eyebrow perfectly at me, “How about this far?”

He deftly lifts me out of my seat and pulls me down onto his lap, setting his hands down strongly on my hips in a way that makes me shiver, and leads me into a heavy kiss. My insides melt away as the lightening bugs explode into fireworks and I feel increasingly grateful that I am sitting, because I am fairly certain I wouldn’t be able to stand. Remus’ lips move possessively and hungrily and I simply hold on tightly, hoping he won’t let go. As one hand deftly untucks my blouse and places a firm grip on the bare skin underneath, the other reaches up and secures itself into tangles of my hair. I let out a slightly disappointed and unsatisfied whimper as Remus very slowly disentangles our lips.

“How was that?” I love it when his voice gets all gravelly and low after kissing. “Not too far?”

I take a deep breath to steady myself and answer, “It was okay…for starters.”

Remus gently detangles his fingers from my hair and runs the backs of them down the side of my face, keeping strong eye contact. The amber color is heavier in his eyes, and while the intense stare is slightly unnerving, I’m happy to have the friendly attention. No matter how anxious I get about my relationship with Remus while I’m away from him, it disappears when I’m with him. It isn’t possible to believe that he doesn’t sincerely like me when he looks at me.

“You’ll come to the Shack again, won’t you?” Remus asks. “It’ll make the whole night easier if I know you’ll be there afterwards.”

I think I must be beaming from the inside out. I can feel the warmth in my stomach. 

“Of course,” I say with a smile. “I would have come even if you hadn’t asked.”

Remus’ expression turns serious, “You _will_ wait till after the moon sets this time, right? I’ll have Sirius meet you at the Whomping Willow. Ahh…. That would have been a good idea. Waiting till after the moon was gone. 

“I’ll be there,” I promise.

“Are you hungry?” he asks.

I want to say no in the hopes that we can stay here, being cute and couplish and exactly lovely, but I can take a hint. Even if it means going to a separate table and being just Calliope rather than Calliope and Remus. Calliopus. Remiope. Definitely the latter.

“Starved,” I tell him.

***

An interesting week to say the least. I sit in sight line of the Whomping Willow, wrapped up in cloaks and scarves and sweaters. Behind me the edge of the horizon is starting to lighten with dawn and in front of me the moon is sinking and fading. It won’t be long until the ominously swaying Whomping Willow will freeze and either a large black dog or a bedraggled Sirius will come to greet me. I stare at the glowing circle, dangling precariously over the edge of the horizon and anxiously tap my foot. On the last full moon Remus was covered in cuts and bruises. I can’t help but be worried about what sort of state he might be in tonight.

It took some for Remus to relax about his…“wolfy urges” as I called them, but the result was well worth the wait. I was leaving class yesterday on my way to dinner when a door snapped open and I was dragged into a tiny closet. A strong familiar mouth enveloped mine and I was lifted up and pulled against a muscular, wiry body. I only pulled away long enough to confirm that it was Remus who had kidnapped me, before surrendering. I folded my legs around his hips and slung my arms around his neck, trusting his ability to keep us upright. He wasn’t pushy, like he feared, or grabby or less gentlemanly than ever; we had been strictly PG-13. The change was that there was less question in his touch, more strength and power and hunger. I lost the lingering fear that I was the one who was more interested in the relationship. Not because his lust was so obvious due to the full moon, but because his respect outweighed his lust. 

Although, I didn’t really mind the lust either.

My cheeks heat at the memories and I look up from my lap to see the Whomping freeze abruptly in its sway. I pull myself up, stretching out my stiff, cold legs and pull the hood of my cloak up, making my way to the frozen tree. A shaggy black dog peaks his head out from inside the tree roots and transforms into Sirius’ head in a most unnerving fashion. Sirius helps me down into the roots and pulls me into a hug as the opening closes itself back up.

“It hasn’t been just us in ages,” Sirius greets me with a smile. He winks and adds, “You spend all your time with Remus now.”

Does he know? Did Remus actually tell his friends or did Sirius just figure it out?

“How is Remus?” Sirius doesn’t look hurt. Maybe Remus is okay too.

“I think you’re at the climax, Cal,” Sirius tells me, turning into the dark tunnel and pulling me along. “Remus stopped denying his interest in you a couple weeks ago. Now he just looks away and smiles.”

I duck my head and smile. Sirius doesn’t know. I mean, obviously he knows some, but not all. Not all the kissing. Which is sometimes my favorite part. 

“I thought the full moon might crack him, it makes him a little edgy. But he’s as stubborn as a bull.” Sirius turns and smirks at me, the light from his wand casting eerie shadows. “Definitely sleep in the bed with him tonight…and maybe initiate a little cuddling if you can.”

I roll my eyes. “If Remus wants to cuddle I am leaving it up to him, Sirius.” That’s kind of a lie. I probably will initiate cuddles. But Remus started it at the sleepover so I can’t be blamed.

“That’s why this is taking so long, Calliope. You’re always waiting for Remus to make the move. You’ve got to give him a physical sign.”

Oh I gave him a sign alright!

“Is he alright? I mean, the transformation and everything?”

“Oh yeah, he’s fine. A scratch or two, and maybe some harmless bruises from our tussle but that’s all. The first thing he said after the moon set was ‘Go get Calliope’, so that should please you.”

And it does! “What sort of tussle?”

Sirius smirks again, “I didn’t hurt him! We were just playing. Retract claws, Calliope.”

I laugh a little, and flex out the tension in my hands. Sirius knows me too well I think. But not well enough to know when I’m snogging his friend. Ha.

“What did you tell Melody?” Sirius asks me. 

“Tell her?”

“When you left the castle.”

“Oh. I just snuck out,” I admit. 

Sirius frowns, “She’ll worry about you. You should give her an excuse next time.”

I watch him carefully. At first I thought that Sirius and Melody ought to have just forgiven one another and gotten back together, since it was obvious that they wanted to. But now I see them slowly acknowledging one another and learning respect for each other. So the part of me that had the urge to encourage them back together has decided to relax and let them take their own time. Still, I have a hard time not giving Sirius some sense of comfort. 

“Watch your step,” he warns me. “We’re here. I’ll go up first and make sure everything is safe. Wait here.”

I pace impatiently for a few minutes before the door swings open and Peter sticks his head through. He smiles shyly at me and ushers me upstairs. I run up right past him through the battered living room and up the stairs. I burst into the bedroom to find Remus sitting cross-legged on the bed in flannel pants and soft green sweater. He seems tired but whole, and that’s something I can be thankful for. He looks over and smiles at me.

“I’m fine, Calliope.”

“I nursed him this time,” James tell me proudly from behind me.

“It wasn’t quite the same,” Remus admits with a quirked smile.

“I was very tender!” James cries defensively.

“There are things we don’t always need to know, Prongsie,” Sirius laughs.

“It’s chilly in here,” I tell them. 

“We couldn’t figure out which Heating Charm you used,” Remus tells me.

“It’s just an Impervius Charm to repel the cold,” I explain and set to work.

“We’ll take care of our own room then,” Sirius says with a sly smile. “You two will be fine won’t you?”

I don’t need to look up to see Sirius’ cocky smirk or the indubitable wink he flashes my way. It plays out just as he would have wanted in my imagination. Remus shoos his friend out of the room as I continue to cast charms to warm the room. I hear the bed creak and padding steps towards me. Remus wraps his arms around my waist and nuzzles into my neck.

“You don’t have to do that,” Remus mumbles into my hair. “We have plenty of blankets.”

“I can’t nurse you back to health with you distracting me,” I say with a smile. “Did you take the sleeping potion?”

“I don’t need that this time.”

“You must be exhausted. Do I need to fix any bandages?”

“Stop, Calliope,” Remus says firmly, taking me by the shoulders and turning me to face him. “I’m fine. I didn’t ask you to come to be my nurse. I asked you here because…” he smiled sheepishly, “I like sleeping next to you.”

I let out a little sigh of contentment. “You’re really okay?”

“It was my easiest full moon in years,” Remus assures me before pulling me in for a gentle kiss. “But I am exhausted.”

I cast a fire into the fireplace over my shoulder as Remus pulls me back to the bed. I pull the covers back and we both climb in, immediately gravitating to each other.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you, there’s a Hogsmeade weekend next week,” Remus starts and excitement flutters up inside me. “Would you like to-?”

“Yes!” I say. A little prematurely I note.

Remus grins, “As a… On a date? Like a couple? I mean, as a couple.”

“I’d love to.”

He sets a kiss at my hairline. “I can’t wait to see Sirius’ face when he realizes we’ve been sneaking around for weeks. Er…that is, if you want to tell them.”

I shrug in his arms, where I fit perfectly and snugly. “I don’t care what anyone knows.”

***

Consciousness seeps into me slowly. There are days when I snap awake, look at the clock and then start moving. Today instead, I very slowly realize that I am awake. I am lying in a warm bed with a very warm mass pressed up tightly against my back. There is a weight resting over my waist and tangling in with my hand. Remus, I realize. Curled up against me, holding my hand in our sleep. He’s perfect.

There’s a rustling on the far side of the room. Whispers and snickers. Shuffling sounds.

“I want to wake them!” A voice hisses. James.

Damn. 

“No! It’s better if we catch them as they wake!” Sirius hisses back.

“I didn’t know Calliope liked Remus,” Peter whispers.

“That makes you daft, Pete,” James whispers back.

I try not to wince or sigh unhappily. If I just stay pretending to be asleep maybe they’ll get bored and leave. Well no, I know they won’t give up that easy. I’ll just make Remus deal with it.

“We’ll call them Remiope!” James giggles.

“Calliopus,” Sirius snorts.

I frown as they all stiffle their laughter.

“Relliope!” James squeaks.

“Callus.”

Oh dear Merlin that’s enough! I poke at Remus’ hand trying to subtly awake him. He stirs slightly and the other Marauders immediately go silent. Remus goes still again. I poke again. He stirs again and tucks his head into the curve of my neck. There’s a slight noise from the other end of the room but Remus doesn’t seem to notice. I poke at his hand again. Remus chuckles into my neck and places a kiss on the bare skin exposed at my shoulder. There’s a loud gasp from James and a short ‘oof’. Remus tenses and then huffs.

“Get out,” Remus croaks, sitting up slightly.

“You kissed her shoulder!” James whispers. “Moony, you hold hands and you peck lips. That is _it_.”

Ha. How very uninformed.

“How would you know?” Remus snorts.

“How long have you been kissing shoulders, Remus?” Sirius whispers.

Remus grunts and sits up completely. “Just go away, right? I’ll explain it later.”

“No way,” Sirius says at a normal volume. “I catalyzed this relationship. I deserve an explanation. Calliope, wake up!”

“Leave her alone, Padfoot,” Remus returns defensively.

I sigh and roll over, abandoning my fake sleep. “It’s fine.”

“Of course it is!” Sirius exclaims, bouncing forward and catapulting himself on to the edge of the bed. 

Remus growls unhappily at his friends but shoots me a smile and wraps an arm around my shoulders, pulling me close. James and Sirius grin at us. Even Peter looks happy for Remus.

“I think we deserve an explanation,” James tells us pompously.

Remus and I look to each other. I bite my lip and he smiles and turns back to others to explain.

“I jumped him in a broom closet about two weeks ago,” I blurt out before Remus says anything.

Remus smirks into his lap as James, Sirius and Peter stare at me incredulously. They look to Remus for confirmation who only nods with the smirk. Sirius jumps up in the bed with a victorious ‘whoop’.

James cheers, “Go Cal, snogging Moony! Go Cal…”

“They seem happy,” Remus says to me as we watch James and Sirius leap about, pushing and pulling Peter in their enthusiasm. “And how about you?” he asks.

“Very happy,” I tell him. “You?”

“Very happy.”

 

 

_AN: And you? I hope you're happy too. Read, Enjoy, Review!_


	18. Best Friends Are Worthless

  


Chapter Eighteen

Best Friends Are Worthless

“You’ve been doing WHAT??” Melody shouts at breakfast.

I peek through my bangs at breakfast to spy on the Gryffindor table. Remus catches my glance and tries to stiffle his laughter at Melody’s reaction.

“We’re sort of dating,” I explain.

Melody gapes at me plainly and I blush.

“When were you planning on telling me?” She continues in a loud, harsh tone.

“As soon as I was positive that I wasn’t just projecting all my hopes into his actions,” I mumble out while chewing my lower lip.

Melody raises a speculative eyebrow, “So what do you mean by ‘sort of dating’?”

“Well, I think we are,” I amend.

“You _think_?” Melody retorts.

“He referred to us as a couple,” I note. Melody’s skeptical attitude makes me worried that I misinterpreted everything that had taken place in the last twenty-four hours. 

“Oh, well that’s good then,” Melody relaxes slightly. “And did you lay out any rules?”

My eyes widen in confusion.

“You can’t just trust the Marauders to know how to treat a girlfriend,” Melody snaps.

I frown into my lap. Remus is sweet. He wouldn’t ever hurt me, would he?

“I didn’t mean that, Cal,” Melody whispers in a quiet apologetic tone, setting her hand down on mine. “Remus isn’t like that. I’m just…” She huffs and finishes, “Bitter, I guess.”

“It’s fine,” I assure her. 

“So,” Melody starts brightly, “I want to know everything. Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?” 

We stand from the table and she links her arm through mine. I give Remus a parting smile from across the Great Hall before heading back towards the Hufflepuff Common Room with Melody. When we breach the doors out of the Great Hall and find some privacy in the corridors I begin the story of the past two weeks for Melody. I exclude any mention of his lycanthropy and Snape’s accidental part in bringing us together and focus on the fluffier bits. Me jumping Remus in a broom closet, two weeks of secret trysts and finally inadvertently making the relationship official with talk of Hogsmeade last night. And of course being caught by the Marauders, although I take some creative license with the setting. Melody probably would have a lot more questions if I told her that they found us asleep in the bedroom of the Shrieking Shack. 

I finish as we sit down in an empty Common Room.

“I can’t believe you never even told me that you kissed him,” Melody sighs.

I can tell that while she’s really excited and happy for me, she’s also hurt by my silence. My silence always seems to be complicating things. 

“I’m sorry, Melody. I just didn’t know where we stood,” I tell her honestly. “He wasn’t telling anyone, so I didn’t tell anyone.”

Melody smiles at me, “It’s no wonder you like each other so much. You’re both so discreet.”

“Melody,” I breathe, “I can’t believe it.” 

I feel the giddyness surging up inside of me. I’ve been battling it down for two weeks. Trying to keep some semblance of calm, and nonchalance. But in the end I suppose it can’t be helped. My life has flipped so far. I _love_ Remus Lupin. And maybe that is exactly how I started this year, loving Remus Lupin. But every other thing has completely changed. And I can’t say that it’s all for the better, because that simply isn’t true. I ache every time I see the extra bed in our dormitory and I wake up from nightmares most nights wishing I could scream out for my parents. But it isn’t all for the worse. Because I have Melody and Sirius and James as wonderfully patient, kind, and encouraging friends. I have Remus Lupin for a best friend and…I can’t believe I’m going to admit this right now…a boyfriend. Remus Lupin is my boyfriend.

****

REMUS BLOODY LUPIN IS MY _BOYFRIEND!!!!_

****

My face snaps into a wild grin and a choked giggle escapes. Melody’s smile grows into a grin and now I can really see how happy she is for me. Snort by snort and giggle by giggle we break down into my excitement.

“Indulge yourself, Cal!” Melody encourages me, laughing at my attempt to stamp down my happiness.

In a moment of pure delight and insanity something escapes me that had been lying dormant for well over four years. A loud, energetic, ecstatic laugh comes pouring out of me. It feels as if a shell inside my chest is cracking open, releasing the kind of _genuine_ , uncomplicated, childlike pleasure I haven’t felt since my summers at home with my parents and Anna. Melody jumps from her chair and takes my hands pulling me off the couch as I shake from the kind of laughter I had forgotten I could produce. We spin in the open space of the room and the dizziness only adds to my euphoria.

Remus Lupin is my boyfriend. 

The Remus Lupin who didn’t know my name at the start of the year. The Remus Lupin who thought I hated him and probably even thought I was incapable of coherent speech within the first weeks. The Remus Lupin who saw me as a snide and sarcastic acquaintance our first month. Remus Lupin who was floundering to relate to me at my parents death. Remus who though I might have been involved with Sirius. Remus who related to me as friend in class and at the ball. Remus who cared about me too much to tell me about his lycanthropy.

And now we were kissing and cuddling and being ridiculously, sickeningly cute and happy. We were dating. What does that mean? 

I stumble in the spin and trip.

What does a girlfriend do? I fall to the floor. I think I preferred being untitled and secretive. Melody lands clumsily over me, continuing her laughs. I giggle nervously before choking on my own giggles. Melody looks at me, already sensing a turn in my mood.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know how to _be_ a girlfriend,” I tell her, feeling my nerves seeps back in over the dorky glee I had just felt. “I’ve only ever been a pseudo-snog-buddy!”

Melody snorts and then breaks back into laughter before going silent when she realizes I am genuinely concerned. And then she starts laughing again. Even harder.

Best friends are worthless.

***

Melody, in the end, decided to be of some help after all. She assured me that I didn’t have to change a thing as Remus’ girlfriend and that I wouldn’t have gotten that far if I wasn’t exactly what he wanted. Which I told her was absolutely worthless advice. So instead she picked me out a really great outfit for Hogsmeade and changed the streak in my hair to a dark purple. I decided to seek out Sirius for advice on being a great girlfriend instead. He had enough of them, I assumed he would have some wisdom to impart. When I asked what to do, he had the nerve to answer,

“Nothing. You just be Calliope. Remus wouldn’t have gotten back into dating if you weren’t exactly what he wanted.”

And again I thought to myself, best friends are worthless.

That is, until I started to pick up on the way Remus always looked really happy when he saw me. Even on Thursday morning when I really didn’t want him to see me because I had overslept and dressed in a rush. 

“Mm. I like your hair all messy and bed-head,” He had said before pulling me in for a breakfast kiss in front of the entire Great Hall. 

I started to realize that Melody and Sirius might have been right. I certainly didn’t expect anything out of the ordinary from Remus. Public affection was foreign enough as it was. He was exactly what I wanted all the time. So while it seemed a little optimistic for Remus to expect as little from _me_ as I expected from him, it was one of those revelations that instigated my manically happy giggling. 

In private.

Manically happy giggling in private.

I start down the stairs into the Great Hall alone. Melody decided it would be easier on herself to spend the day with Penelope and the other girls from our house and waited for them in our dorms. I scan the Hall looking for the Marauders and Co. They are, as is appropriate, standing casually spotlight-center. I have to admire their ability to not notice the attention they inevitably receive. For the first time in a long time I allow myself to see the girls who bat eyelashes and smile in their direction, specifically Remus’. It’s easier to swallow the idea that Remus and I are a couple when I can ignore the fact that handfuls of other girls are vying for the same position.

Someone bumps me on the stairs, and I shake myself from my thoughts. Sirius spots me heading their way and waves to me, catching the other’s attention. Remus immediately breaks from the group and comes to meet me at the bottom of the stairs.

“You’re almost late,” Remus tells me with a smirk, wrapping an arm around my waist and leading me through the crowds.

“Isn’t that the same as being on time?” I laugh. 

Remus stops us to lean down and set a soft kiss on my mouth. “Not when I’m looking forward to seeing you,” he says earnestly.

We walk again and my throat feels tight and my stomach all fuzzy and bubbly. Remus has the strangest effect on my nervous system. We pass Emmeline on our way to the other Gryffindors and she has the most incredulous expression on her face. I can’t really blame her. I can hardly believe it myself. She doesn’t really look angry or hurt or even jealous. Just surprised and disbelieving. I wonder which part is more surprising for her. Remus with a mute waif. Or me with a werewolf. I personally find the former less believable. But that’s just me and my natural self deprecation. Remus made it pretty clear at the beginning that he had a hard time believing I would be interested in a lycan.

Sirius, James and Lily meet us with wide smiles. To be honest, Sirius looks near giddiness. I can relate. I note that Peter is with Hestia near Emmeline. The Marauders apart? It hardly seems possible. Outside we find ourselves a carriage to share and Sirius immediately crashes down next to me much to Remus’ indignation. 

“Cal, darling,” Sirius starts loudly, talking over Remus’ objections, “If I remember correctly, you have a birthday coming up next month.”

Remus stops complaining immediately. “Oh that’s right, when is your birthday?”

“Your eighteenth birthday,” Sirius stresses. “A very good birthday indeed.”

“I don’t see why, we’re already of age,” James mentions.

Remus and Sirius watch me expectantly. I really hate my birthday. That is to say, I don’t hate celebrating my new age or anything like that, but that I hate the actual date. If it could just be one day forward or backward. If my mother could have lasted another ten hours in labor.

“February fourteenth,” I relent.

I receive a quartet of surprised and amused looks and I shrug.

“Your birthday is Valentine’s Day?” James reiterates.

I sigh and nod. 

Sirius laughs loudly. “Well that’s convenient, Moony. You can kill two birds with one stone.”

“I dunno, Paddy,” James retorted, “That might just put more pressure on him.”

“Gifts _are_ a tricky business,” Sirius agrees sagely.

Remus only rolls his eyes at his friends.

“Speaking of gifts, Cal, what would you like?” Sirius asks.

Their attention focuses back on me and I fidget and shrug again. “I don’t really want anything,” I tell them.

“Don’t be modest,” Lily warns me, “Or you’ll end up with things you don’t want.”

“I thought you liked your birthday present!” James moans.

Lily smirks and I realize that she’s only teasing him. 

“Cal, Remus _has_ to get you something,” Sirius objects.

“No he doesn’t,” I say.

“She’s right,” Remus says, “I don’t….” Hey! Yes you do! You’re my (insert internal high kick) boyfriend. “But I want to anyways.”

Aw. He’s so cute.

“Very smooth, Moonsie,” James compliments.

“So what are you going to get her?” Sirius asks.

“I’m going to surprise her,” Remus answers.

“What you mean is you don’t know yet,” Sirius retorts.

“I do too! I just-”

“Oh look, Hogsmeade,” I interrupt deftly. Or not so deftly. At least I interrupted.

The carriage pulls to a stop in the square of Hogsmeade and Remus leaps out and rushes around the carriage to help me down.

“We’ll meet up with you lot later then?” Remus asks, already pulling me along. “Great, bye!”

Sirius calls out for us to wait but Remus doesn’t stop. His cheeks are flushed and his face is set.

“What’s wrong?” I ask him. I mentally thank my anatomy for allowing my long legs to keep in stride with his.

Remus huffs and slows down, tugging me to his side and taking my hand in less of a strong grip and more of an affectionate clasp.

“Sirius,” Remus sighs. “I feel like he’s always trying to give me boyfriend lessons.”

I hold down laughter but a smirk escapes anyways. “Really? Because he refused to give me girlfriend lessons.”

Remus lifts an eyebrow and I can tell he isn’t certain whether or not I’m joking. 

“I’m glad he cares enough about you to make sure I don’t do anything stupid but…” Remus frowns and hesitates, “I get the feeling that he has a little bit of a crush on you.” Remus notes the obvious surprise on my face and shrugs. “Sometimes it just feels like I’m competing against him.”

“It isn’t like that,” I protest immediately.

“But it _feels_ like that,” Remus returns quietly.

“He doesn’t have a crush on me,” I assure Remus more gently. “And if he’s challenging you then one, he’s being stupid and I will promptly tell him to cut it out. And two, it would probably be because he feels invested in seeing us together,” I finish at a quiet tone.

“What do you mean invested?”

“Well…he might have been responsible for a certain level of romantic machinations that I didn’t strictly encourage but also didn’t really prevent,” I mutter in one breath.

Remus stops still in his tracks and turns to me with a slightly crooked smile and a very clever look in his eye. “I have questions,” he tells me. “Many.”

He’s going to hate me at the end of this. But hopefully we’ll still be dating.

***

Remus led us to the cozy back corner of a Hogsmeade bookstore where we hid together on a love seat. I gave him a rather creatively edited version of my friendship with Sirius that started at the funeral. When I tried to smooth over certain bits, like when Sirius realized I liked Remus, or when he figured out I loved Remus, Remus only asked me more questions. He even made me explain what I meant by ‘girlfriend lessons’. But I maintained my secrecy on the exact volume of my feelings for him. It seemed safest.

“But he’s not, right?” Remus clarifies. “Giving you lessons, that is.”

“Er - no. It was determined that they were unnecessary,” I answer.

Remus smiles and nudges my leg with his, “That’s true.”

I soak in the giddiness for just a second before shrugging it off. “So you aren’t mad that Sirius set us up sort of?”

“If he did than I have a lot to thank him for,” Remus tells me with a blush. “But from what you said, he didn’t really have anything to do with you attacking me in the closet.”

I’m beet red from head to toe I think. “No,” I reply. “No he did not.”

Remus laughs at my embarrassment and reaches up to my cheek, brushing it for a second. “Still,” he continues, “I’m glad he tricked me into taking you to the ball.”

“Well if it makes you feel any better, he tricked me into accepting,” I tease. 

“We’ve been mutually hoodwinked,” Remus whispers while leaning in for a kiss. 

Nearby a voice clears itself loudly. Remus and I snap apart on reflex to find a clerk rolling his eyes at us.

“Are you two customers?” The clerk asks us skeptically.

Remus and I blush, stutter out apologies and hurry out of the shop. Outside, flushing, we pause and look around. What is that one does on a date, anyways? Is it different than any other day in Hogsmeade? Not that I’ve had many. If it was cold out I usually skipped in lieu of spending the day in the castle while it was in a rare state of silence. And there were only a handful of warm Hogsmeade visits, Anna and I usually did our necessary shopping, enjoyed a stretch and left early.

“Where would you like to go?” Remus asks me.

I shrug. “I skipped a lot of the Hogsmeade visits. What’s there to do?”

Remus takes my hand and we walk as he thinks, “Well over there is Madame Puddifoots, they have okay coffee I guess. Girls seem to like it.”

I look over to see a violently pink store front with lace curtains and a rather sickeningly cute couple sharing a surprisingly private moment over their table top. It’s cute. _Too_ cute.

Remus laughs at my expression, “You should see it on Valentine’s Day weekend.”

“I’d rather not,” I reply.

“Well there’s always Zonko’s, and Honeydukes, and the Three Broomsticks,” Remus lists. “And the shrieking shack.” Remus shudders almost imperceptibly and I lean into his side.

“I haven’t had a decent Butterbeer in awhile,” I suggest.

“Three Broomsticks it is, I think the others are probably there as well. It’s where we always end up,” Remus mentions and we amble along through the town.

As we pass through the square I catch a glimpse of a gaggle of younger girls watching Remus and I. And they’re glaring daggers at me. I jump slightly and bump into Remus.

“What is it?” he asks.

I hesitate a moment, glancing back at the girls, “I am officially the arch nemesis of your fan club.”

Remus looks confused and I nod my head in the direction of the girls. Remus and I look over and their scowls instantly turn to shy smiles and a few friendly waves.

“Them? I used to tutor some of them, they’re nice,” Remus laughs. “Emmeline used to say that they glared at her too.”

I roll my eyes, “What a coincidence.”

Remus considers this and a smile grows on his face. “Ohh. I have a fan club,” he tells me with dawning realization.

Shouldn’t have said anything.

“They’re a little young,” I mutter.

Remus grins wickedly and looks back at the girls “That Ravenclaw’s rather pretty isn’t she.”

I huff and Remus laughs and pulls me in for a very public, albeit chaste, kiss. I still get surprised by public affection. Well to be fair, it’s only been a week and it’s my very first time at it. I like it, and I don’t mind the surprise. Remus nudges me gently as we continue our walk to Three Broomsticks. He nods his head and I look over in the direction to see Sirius and Melody walking together, several feet apart but looking happy. Sirius is laughing and Melody looks proud of herself. I think back to a week ago when I was desperate for instructions on how to act around Remus as his girlfriend. Maybe step by step directions aren’t actually necessary. It seems as if Melody and Sirius are managing without asking for any help. Remus smiles at me knowingly and takes my hand in his. 

“So what _do_ you want for your birthday?” Remus asks with smirk.

 

 

_AN: Some dramatic bits coming up and then we'll be very close to the end of this story. Thanks for reading!_


	19. Our Star

  


Chapter Nineteen

Our Star

__

 

__

Remus Lupin

__

I hold the slip of paper between my fingers, tangible proof of the gift I decided upon for Calliope. I had just under a month to come up with a fantastic gift for her birthday and Valentine’s Day and this was all I had. I mean sure, I’d had plenty of ridiculously fantastic ideas that probably would have made Calliope feel like she was the only girl in the entire world. However, I was fairly sure that my parents wouldn’t want to give up their entire life savings so I could spoil my girlfriend. Although if they met her and saw what she did for me, that might be another story. Nevertheless, I didn’t have the time to show them how perfect Calliope was. I had to be quick on my feet.

And somehow, I ended up with this. 

I chew at the inside of my lip and read the certificate again. Part of me thought that this was a really original and sincere gesture. And if any girl would appreciate it, it would be Calliope. It was certainly more interesting than expensive jewelry, flowers, or anything typical like that. The specifics of it were actually a little presumptuous but I didn’t mind that. I’d rather overdo the gift than give her anything less than what she deserved. Of course, it wasn’t just about the gift. 

Originally, James and Sirius had offered to delay Valentine’s Day celebrations with Melody and Lily until the weekend and instead have a giant birthday party for Calliope in the Room of Requirement. I rejected the idea since I would have to be at the Shrieking Shack waiting for the full moon on Saturday and I wanted to spend tonight, Valentine’s, alone with Calliope. They could celebrate without me in Hogsmeade this weekend before meeting me at the shack. After deciding on the plans, I was promptly forced to wrestle for the rights to the Astronomy Tower for a romantic dinner. James merely shrugged and let Sirius and I argue it out. All I had to do was show him my gift for Calliope and Sirius also relented. James even got Lily to help me cast misdirection charms around the Tower to assure that no other couples would manage to find their way up on my big night.

I found Calliope on her way to the Great Hall this morning and immediately swooped in and stole her from Melody and Penelope.

“Well Good Mor-” she got out before I pulled her in for a kiss.

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” I told her, tucking a narcissus flower behind her ear. She jumped as the flower began to whisper to her. “It compliments the wearer,” I told her as her eyes lit up in surprise and delight. “I taught it specific things to say. On a more important note,” I took her face in my hands for another, longer kiss. I could feel her body relax against mine, even though she’s usually tense when I kiss her in public. I wanted to hold her there and forget about our classes for the day. I moved away slowly, charmed by her own obvious reluctance. “Happy birthday.” I grinned at her speechlessness. “Dinner in the Astronomy Tower tonight?”

“Won’t it be crowded?” she asked.

“I don’t think we’ll have any trouble,” I answered. I knew that she could tell that there was more to it than what I said. 

I love how well she can read me.

I used my in with the house elves to create a beautiful candle lit dinner in the Astronomy Tower. I have the certificate and the personalized telescope. I look okay, a little peaky from the approaching full moon but otherwise all right. All I need now is Calliope. I hover impatiently by the table waiting for her wide blue eyes to peek themselves around the doorway frame in her typically cautious approach. I want this week to be the best week of the year for Calliope. There’s no explanation for this desire of mine to see her so happy. Anytime I try to analyze my fervent affection the direction my thoughts take go a little farther than I might be comfortable with, so I try not to analyze.

“Remus?” A soft breathy voice asks from behind.

I spin around and my heartbeat picks up as Calliope slowly walks into the candlelight. I take a moment to admire her, all dressed in soft red like a Valentine’s angel with curls dripping over her shoulders, before rushing over to her. She meets me halfway for a kiss, slinging her arms over my shoulders and leaning into my arms. My grip tightens around her as I try to fight off the desire to completely possess her. She pulls away, sensing my internal struggle, something she learned during the last full moon. Her smile spreads into a grin and I feel a hunger for her that is entirely human. 

“You’re beautiful,” I tell her. I wonder how many times I’ll say it before she starts to believe me. 

“What’s for dinner?” She asks with a slightly ironic tone and a breathless voice.

“Vegetarian lasagna,” I tell her, loosening my arms from her waist and pulling out the chair for her at the table.

Calliope smiles thankfully at me and I give myself an internal high-five for remember to leave meat off the menu. Even if I was really craving steak. We eat dinner with a steady hum of conversation, but I barely notice. I watch her tilt her head back and to the side as she thinks and I admire the perfect skin stretched over the muscles in her neck. She flicks long spindle-like fingers through the air to accentuate her excitement and then rests them over her face as she lets out an uncharacteristic giggle. She licks away pasta sauce at the corner of her mouth as her fingertip traces the pattern on the tablecloth. Her eyes meet mine as we both go quiet and I notice that the candlelight has warmed and deepened the color of her eyes. Blood rushes to her cheeks at the intensity of my gaze and her eyes dip down.

She mesmerizes me.

“Come on,” I take her hand from across the table and stand, “It’s time for your birthday present.”

Calliope looks up in surprise, “I thought the flower was my present.”

I shake my head and pull her out of her seat. “I’ve got something much bigger than that for your official present.”

“Bigger?” She asks skeptically.

Well, technically speaking. From here, it doesn’t seem so big. 

I take her out to the astronomy tower balcony. It had taken most of the evening before Calliope had arrived to finally position the small telescope correctly. I had made sure nothing would disturb it on the ledge. I point to it now and Calliope looks over, hesitantly walks to telescope, picks it up off the ledge, and looks through it. Oh, crap. She takes her eye away from the lens and frowns slightly before looking back at me with a curious eyebrow.

“What does it show? I can’t see the stars,” she tells me.

I walk over and take the telescope. I look through it to see black and very slowly scan the sky with until finally I catch a star through the lenses. Very carefully, I pull Calliope to me and set the telescope in front of her eyes.

“Can you see it?” I ask her.

“See what?” She laughs.

“Move it around a bit,” I instruct her.

She very carefully moves the telescope until stopping suddenly, “I see a star!”

I wrap my arms around her waist from behind and lean to her ear. “That is the only star this telescope will ever find in the sky,” I explain to her.

She looks back to me confused but amused before looking through the telescope again. “What star is it?”

I pull the certificate out of my pocket and unfold it, spreading it in front of the lens of the telescope. Calliope leans away and reads the certificate aloud.

“The Wizarding Star Registry hereby dedicates this star, Calliopus, to Ms. Calliope DeSole as a gift from Mr. Remus Lupin,” Calliope trails off at the end.

“There were already stars named after the mythical Remus and Calliope,” I explained to her. “I thought Calliopus might be more personal.”

Calliope turned to look at me with huge, beautiful eyes, “You mean…that’s _our_ star?”

“Well, it’s really your star,” I reply.

“My star named after us?” She murmurs.

I shrug and nod, feeling nervous. She must think I’m crazy, naming a star by that stupid nickname James and Sirius came up with. 

“You bought me a star,” Calliope whispered.

“Happy birthday,” I tell her hesitantly.

“Oh Remus,” She sighs, dropping the telescope and the certificate to the floor. 

She pulls my face down to hers and kisses me with strength and desire I can barely believe is possible. Except it is possible because I respond in kind, dragging our bodies together as close as they can possibly fit together. I press her against the balcony wall, relishing in the pressure between our legs and hips. Her leg wraps around my hip and without thinking, I slip my fingers under the hem of her dress, trailing them over her thighs. My hand reaches the top of her tall stockings and discovers beautifully smooth and soft flesh. I dig my hips harder against hers, one hand gripping her upper thigh, the other braced onto her ribcage right below the curve of her breast. She whimpers slightly into my mouth and it startles my body into a painful want. I no longer know what desire is solely mine and what the wolf’s is. Perhaps we both want Calliope equally.

I force myself to ease away, embarrassed at how obvious my need for her is. I’ve never felt quite so exposed. Calliope pulls me back to her slightly before pausing at the discomfort that’s so evident on my face. She lifts my face to meet her eyes and I find the most surprising thing there. Permission. To go as far as I like. To expose myself as much as I want. It’s horribly tempting, to know that she’s so willing. That she trusts me enough, knows I’d never take advantage of her.

However, before I dive in and I let myself go I consider it. I don’t just want her to be willing; I want her to want me as much as I want her. I want her to trust me as much as I trust her. In addition, as much as I don’t want to believe it, I have a feeling there’s still something she’s hiding from me. Therefore, I pull away a little farther and then kiss her gently when I see her expression is ever so slightly hurt. She sighs and I wrap her up in my arms.

“I can’t believe you got me a star,” She mumbles into my chest.

“And you can write it out on your star chart every week in Astronomy,” I joke.

I feel her laugh against me and say, “I will if you will.”

I look up in the general direction of the newly titled star, Calliopus. I will, if only so I never forget where to find it. 

***

“What do you mean you ‘forgot Calliope‘?!” I shout at Peter as Sirius and James try to wrestle me into relaxation. 

“James and Sirius kept pretending to step on me,” Peter whines back indignantly.

“Where the hell is she then?” I snarl, trying to keep up my vicious momentum even though I ache and would rather just fall asleep.

“I’ve got the map,” Sirius snaps as Peter shrugs. He retrieves the Marauder’s Map from his jean pocket and spreads it out over his lap. He frowns at the page, then groans, and folds it back before I can lean over to see.

“What? Where is she?” I ask.

“I’m sure she’s fine,” Sirius tells me. 

Nevertheless, the words do anything but reassure me. “Where the hell is she, Sirius?”

Sirius looks over and glares at Peter, “It looks like she’s been sitting in front of the Whomping Willow all night.”

“Why wouldn’t she have gone inside by now?” Peter says with a slightly mocking tone and I know that if I weren’t so completely wrecked I would hit him for it.

“She was probably worried about me,” I moan.

“Let’s go,” Sirius growls to Peter, dragging him out of the room by the arm. “We’ll be back with Calliope in no time,” Sirius assures me before swiftly exiting.

I growl and push myself back on the bed, collapsing slightly into the comfort and fretting over Calliope. She has to be half frozen by now. And knowing her, probably assumes that something went wrong with my transformation since no one came to let her into the Willow and tell her it was safe. I feel a slight stab of anger at myself for making her promise repeatedly not to go through Hogsmeade or enter the passage under the Willow until Peter came for her. If only I had added a clause that had specified neglecting her promise in lieu of Peter’s stupidity. 

Not only that, but I had forced the whole arrangement for the sole purpose of making sure that Calliope _wouldn’t_ be waiting in the cold. Peter would wait for her to arrive, not the other way around. I had noticed that since her birthday it seemed as though she had been catching a cold and I wasn’t about to forget the three days she spent in the hospital over winter break or her occasional “harmless”, as she called them, visits to Madame Pomfrey. I wasn’t really supposed to know about them. I had never even mentioned that I knew she was so sick over the holidays, simply because she had never mentioned it either. However, I wasn’t about to risk her health, even at the signs of a simple cold. 

Now she was sitting, undoubtedly frost bitten completely though, in front of the Whomping Willow waiting for what was probably hours for someone to come find her and assure her that I was fine. 

Brilliant idea, Remus. _Really_ well executed. What was taking them so long?

“She’ll be alright, mate,” James tells me casually. “I’ll warm up the room for when she gets here.”

James sets to work, being useful as I fester unhappily on the bed. Eventually I hear the doors banging down stairs and slow steps make their way up. I struggle, push myself off the bed, and stumble to the doorway to watch Sirius and Calliope make their way up slowly with Peter following behind sullenly. I bet Sirius gave him a mouthful the whole way. Calliope looks up at me and delivers a wane smile.

“Sorry I’m late,” She teases in a voice that sounds almost pained.

“Are you okay?” Dumb question, she’s just a few shades warmer than blue.

“Tired. You?”

I pull her away from Sirius, take off her cloak, and help her balance as she shakes off her boots.

“Here,” James says as he passes Calliope a cup of tea. I notice her hand shaking slightly as she holds it. The others look to me and I nod, signaling them to go ahead and leave.

“You look frozen,” I whisper, taking the cup out of her hands and reaching up to her cheek to find it degrees cooler than I would have hoped.

“I’ll be fine,” she tells me. “I just need to warm up.”

I tuck her under excessive layers of blankets and rub her hands together between mine. We shift under the blankets until she’s sitting securely between my legs with my arms wrapped around her, propped up by pillows. I rub at her arms between the sips of tea she takes before finally allowing her to succumb to sleep, still surrounded by my limbs. I hold her, nervous at how cool her skin still is, trying to fight off my own exhaustion. Nevertheless, it defeats me and I slouch against the pillows, falling asleep on contact. 

It can’t be long into our sleep before I wake up to Calliope’s feverish body squirming and fighting against the layers of blankets I’ve piled over her. I sit up and untangle myself from around her, pushing away the blankets. Her breath is disturbingly heavy and she doesn’t wake when I shake her. There’s a film of sweat over her skin and I push away strands of matted hair off her face. I wait as she stills, but she seems to relax. I lay down hesitantly next to her, hoping that her hot flash was only caused by blankets and body heat. 

I nod off only to wake up again to find Calliope shivering violently, curled in upon herself. I shake her and her eyes flicker open for a second before falling shut again. 

Now would be the time to panic.

“James! Sirius!!” I can hear them stir next door and continue to shout, “Help! Calliope’s sick.”

Seconds later James, Sirius and Peter all rush into the room to find me leaning over a still shivering Calliope, trying to rouse her.

“She woke up earlier all feverish so I pushed the blankets off, now she’s shivering,” I explain quickly. “I can’t get her to wake up.”

“Cold sweats,” James tells me. “I got pneumonia once when I was little.”

Calliope can’t have pneumonia! It’s too serious.

James hurries and gets a wet washcloth and wipes away the beads of sweat from Calliope’s face.

“You have to keep her warm, even if she gets feverish,” James instructs me.

“We should take her to Madame Pomfrey,” Sirius suggest, watching us with worried expressions.

I don’t want to move her. Especially not to outside where it so cold. James frowns and I can tell he’s thinking the same thing. Calliope whimpers and I wrap blankets around her, cocooning her inside of them. 

“I’ll make more tea,” Sirius whispers, evidently aware that his earlier suggestion has been decided against.

“We’ll wait a little,” I say. “If it gets worse or stays the same then we’ll take her back to the castle.”

I look to James for some sort of confirmation but he’s frowning to himself. Should I be more worried? I curl up around the bundled Calliope, draping an arm over her. I try to will a little health into her through osmosis. Instead, I only find myself fighting not to fall asleep again. As exhausted as I am from the transformation, and as self-indulgent as I usually like to be after said transformations, I’m too scared for Calliope to fall asleep and miss any changes.

I stay wrapped around Calliope, blinking to keep myself awake. Waiting for her to give a healthy sigh and assure us all of us that she’s perfectly fine again. What seems like years later, I feel her fighting against the blankets again. I sit up to see her face scrunched up in pain and dripping with sweat. I look to James, needing someone else to direct the situation.

“We have to try and move her, Remus,” James mumbles to me.

I dress myself in more layers as Sirius lifts Calliope off the bed. I know I’m too weak tonight to carry her myself but I wish more than anything else it wasn’t the case. Instead, I’m forced to trail alongside Sirius, stumbling over stones in the tunnel and refusing to tear my eyes away from Calliope’s face.

I knew this was going to happen. I had this horrible feeling as soon as we got back to the shack and I found Calliope missing. Stupid Peter had to go and bloody forget to let my girlfriend into the Whomping Willow. Stupid me for not trying harder to convince her to just stay in the castle this one night. I had mentioned it but I hadn’t put up much of an argument because truth be told, I liked having her with me for the recovery. Because Calliope just made everything nicer. It was the simplest way to put it. Everything felt painless and friendly when she was around.

Except for this. Except for watching her breakout in sweats and shiver uncontrollably. This horrible apprehension was a lot worse than any I had experienced before. This irrational fear that she was only going to get worse and never better was gut wrenching and entirely unique.

“She’s getting worse,” Sirius whispers, stopping halfway through the tunnel. “Maybe we should stop for a little while.”

And because none of us can argue, Sirius kneels down in the dirt tunnel and I follow. I take Calliope from him and holding her tight against me. I notice, with no limit of terror, that her breathing has grown considerably shallower. And the sincerely overwhelming fear I seem to be experience kick starts a logical argument that has been waging in my head for several weeks now. Why am I so worried for Calliope right now? Because I love her. I choke back a sort of angry sob. What a wonderful way to discover that I’m in love for the first time. By clinging to Calliope in a dingy passageway as all signs of her health start to evaporate.

I wrap my arms tighter around her blanket wrapped, slightly limp form as the oddly logically, suddenly enlightened part of my brain delves further into my epiphany. Why do I love her? Why wouldn’t I? How can I love her after barely a month of dating? Because she’s been giving me perfectly good reasons to since I first met her. I look down into my arms to find Calliope’s eyes open. Her expression is glazed but she’s obviously awake and it’s as good of a sign as I’m willing to hope for now.

 

_AN: Sorry about the wait. My life got crazy for a bit. But don't worry you won't have to wait long to find out what happens, the next chapter is ready and waiting. Read, Enjoy, Review!_


	20. Silence May Be Golden But It Can't Buy Me Love

  


Chapter Twenty

Silence May Be Golden But it Can’t Buy Me Love

Someone pinches together my cheeks and pries apart my jaws, dribbling in hot liquid. Instantly conscious, I cough the liquid back at my intruder’s face. My eyelids lift with a struggle and I find myself squinting into the furrowed brow of Madame Pomfrey.

What happened?

“Your band of hooligans has been trying to break down the door for the past hour,” Pomfrey announces with ire. 

What _happened_?

My thoughts reel. Hospital Wing. Well done Calliope, this is the second time this year you’ve landed yourself here in an almost irreparable state. Except this time it definitely feels worse. I barely remember anything from the night before…except maybe sitting out in the cold all night. Looking back on it, not a good idea. And I have some vague recollection of Remus tending me in the Shrieking Shack. Shouldn’t that arrangement be reversed?

“Not to mention,” Pomfrey continues without thought to my confusion, “They spent all of yesterday fouling up my Hospital Wing by scowling and stomping around.”

Yesterday?

“I told them that you’d probably sleep for days,” she adds with a bitter shrug.

__

Days??

__??

I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. How familiar. Except this time I know it’s physical, not emotional.

Madame Pomfrey, most likely in an uncharacteristic fit of insanity, gives me a frown filled to the brim with sincere concern and pity. “You’ll want to drink these potions up,” she tells me gently. “I’ll be forced to let your friends in for visiting hours in a minute. I had to get McGonagall and Greene to throw them forcibly out last night.”

I open my mouth obediently, not that I have a choice, and allow Pomfrey to run the unsavory potions down my throat until I’ve gotten enough strength to sit up on my own and take them. She hurries over to the doors of the infirmary at the insistent shout from Sirius on the other side regarding the visiting hours.

“How long have I been here?” I croak out finally, before she grabs the handles.

She looks back at me, ignoring the yells from the hall with skill, “They brought you in yesterday morning.”

One day. I sigh. It could have been worse, I suppose. Wait…Does all this mean what I think it means? There’s no possible way that Pomfrey, who can’t shut up about it around me for less than twenty seconds, spent an entire day with my friends and _didn’t_ tell them about the lupus. So they Know. They all Know. A secret fragile part of me is crushed at the thought. There goes my pride.

Pomfrey swings open the door and a knot of bodies come flooding into the room. Sirius is at the lead and spots me first, shouting over his shoulder to Remus.

“She’s awake, Moony! She woke up!”

In a matter of seconds Remus has fought his way from the back, where he marched sullenly, to running across the room to my bed. I wince slightly and prepare for him to come crashing into me but he skids to halt and stops directly at my side.

“Mr. Lupin, I will remind you that this is a _hospital_ not a _race track_.”

“Pomfrey, you’ve been to the races?” James quips in the tense silence.

“You’re awake,” Remus whispers. 

His hand twitches at his side as if resisting the urge to touch me. He definitely Knows. People who Knew were always scared to touch me. Afraid to pass on germs, afraid to break me.

“Yep,” I answer, drawing out the ‘y’ and flinching at my own words…word.

And as everyone else rushes over, gives me one way hugs and pats my head and tells me how worried they were, I give them a passing glance and what I hope resembles a smile. Then I go back to watching Remus, watching Remus watch me. Without either of us moving or talking or touching or give any indication of knowing that the other is there if it weren’t for the fact that we were staring directly at one another.

“Hey,” Remus breaks our contact to look at the others, “Do you think I could talk to Calliope alone for a tick?” His voice is completely gentle, his tone soft and almost pleading. But the meaning is clear; Get out.

Everyone’s eyes widen. Sirius looks to me and then to Remus and back again and then turns to the others.

“Alright everybody, she’s alive, she’s awake and she’ll be here all week. Let’s just mosey along now, shall we?” Sirius ushers out Peter and Lily and James before taking Melody forcibly by the arm and pulling her out behind him.

“But we just got here,” Melody starts as the door snaps shut behind her.

Remus lets out a long deep sigh after their exit, sits down in a chair next to my bed and leans over, resting his forehead against the side of my stomach.

Oh! Not quite what I was expecting, considerably nicer actually. I reach out a hand and pat him hesitantly on the head, before relaxing and slipping my fingers into his short feathery hair that I adore. Remus takes my hand from his head and presses my palm against his lips before sitting up.

He takes a deep breath and steels himself for what will clearly be a very difficult thing to say. “What,” he pauses dramatically after stressing the first word, “happened?”

What happened?

Calliope, zero. Remus, two.

I open my mouth and then snap it shut again. I look over to Madame Pomfrey and she gives me a wane but gentle smile. She _didn’t_ tell them. Which means…which means I still have to. Because to be completely fair, I owe it to Remus at least. I almost wish now that Pomfrey had told them for me.

“I don’t know,” I answer.

Remus frowns and I can see a flicker of annoyance in his face, something I’m not accustomed to seeing directed at myself.

“What I mean is,” I explain, clearing my throat of the dust bunnies that seemed to have taken residency, “I don’t remember much. And I just woke up so…I’m a little lost still.” Okay, maybe I _am_ stalling. But it’s true, anyways. Remus isn’t the only one looking for an explanation right now.

“Oh!” Remus brightens immediately and smiles sheepishly at me. “Right.” 

But the slight light that embarrassment has granted his expression doesn’t last long as he retells the rather disturbing tale of yesterday morning in the Shrieking Shack. And even if he doesn’t directly come out and say it, I can tell that the whole experience bothered him more than he’d like to admit. Of course, it’s all my fault. I know my limits, and a night in the cold is certainly well beyond them. Although, the infliction seems…a little dramatic. Come to think of it, last time I was in the hospital wing was a little dramatic as well. I don’t remember ever being so sick. Lupus used to make me a little shaky and pale once a month, occasionally my skin would break out in the rash. And I’ve spent a few days in the hospital wing before but never in such a serious state. I frown as I try to discern what’s changed.

Remus squeezes my hand and I refocus back to him.

“…but you’re alright now,” he assures me. He chews the inside of his mouth and looks to me. “Aren’t you?”

“I’m better,” I tell him honestly. Obviously I’m better, I’m conscious.

Remus seems to know that this is too easy of an answer and his bore into my mine, searching for something I’m trying desperately to hide. “I’ve never seen anyone get so sick so fast,” he says quietly.

Madame Pomfrey clears her throat meaningfully from across the room and gives me a very pointed look. “I’ll be tending to your potions in my office, Miss DeSole. Call if you need anything,” she instructs before sweeping out and leaving us alone.

It’s obvious to both Remus and I that she’s left in order to give us…me, the privacy to do some serious explaining.

“Calliope, what happened?” he asks, his voice urgent.

“I got sick,” I choke out. 

Remus lets out an obvious huff and leans back in the chair, discarding my hand.

“I’m sorry!” I say quickly, “I’m not trying to be snide I just…I don’t know how to explain it.”

His expression softens but his eyes remain penetrating and impatient.

“I…” How do I start this? I’m too exhausted to be jumpy and nervous and I can’t find the energy to just blurt everything out, like I usually do. I _have_ to tell him. I take a deep breath and start, “The only people who know this are Dumbledore, Greene and Pomfrey.”

“Know what?” Remus asks patiently, retrieving my hand.

“I have Lupus,” I say quietly, wincing at the admission. But Remus’ expression is completely blank. I sigh and add, “It’s a disease.”

I see a flicker of panic in his face before he frowns, obviously thinking.

“How long?” he asks.

“How long?” I repeat.

“How long have you had a disease?”

Oh crap. This is the part where he realizes that I haven’t been very honest with him. “I was born with it,” I whisper. Remus’ eyes widen and there’s a whole slew of emotions there so I grapple at some sort of explanation, “It’s not as dramatic as it sounds. It’s just what’s called an autoimmune disease. It means that sometimes my immune system will attack healthy cells instead of bacteria or viruses.”

Remus only stares at me in horror, “Your body attacks itself?”

“I take potions,” I continue, feeling slightly desperate. “And it’s really not that bad except sometimes I’m a little tired or sore.”

“Tired or sore or _feverish_ or _unconscious_?!” Remus pants.

“It’s the potions I take to suppress my immune system,” I rattle on. “Instead of an immune system that works too hard, I sometimes have an immune system that doesn’t work hard enough. I catch colds and infections easier, that’s all.”

“And you’ve known about this the entire time? When were you going to tell me, to warn me?”

Hey! Who needs to be warned here?! _You’re_ the bloody werewolf! I shake the thoughts out of my head angrily, but the bitterness remains.

“When would have been a good time?” I protest. “When we met? Or when we started working on Defense together; ‘Just to warn you, Remus. I might _sneeze_!’”

Remus pulls away slightly and I immediately start feeling guilty. “Maybe when you were telling me about how you never judged anyone for their condition,” Remus bites back quietly. “You could have trusted me.”

“Like you trusted me?” I didn’t want to say it. And normally when I know that I don’t want to say something, it won’t come out. So why this time?

“I learned to,” Remus says defensively.

“I’m telling you now.”

“After twenty-four hours of me practically losing my mind worrying about you and hating Peter and myself for leaving you outside!” Remus shouts. 

His expression at his own outburst is so obviously shocked that I relax suddenly. Neither of us wants to be fighting. I take deep breaths and Remus does the same.

“I haven’t told anyone since I was really little,” I explain desperately. “I never even told Anna.” Remus is silent. “I don’t know why I got so sick yesterday, but I am so sorry. It wasn’t Peters fault and it definitely wasn’t yours. I knew I was catching a cold, and I knew after awhile that Peter wasn’t going to show up. I just didn’t want to leave and find out I was wrong and that you were waiting for me.”

Remus’ countenance softens slightly. “I was really scared, Calliope.”

“I would have been too if it had been you,” I tell him honestly. “And you’re right. I should have told you that night. It just…seemed so inconsequential compared to everything else that was happening.”

“What about the three days you spend in the hospital over the break?” Remus asks urgently. “What happened then?”

My jaw slacks slightly and I stare at him openly. How did he know? He never even mentioned it. And what about the others? Do James and Sirius know as well.

“It’s that piece of parchment,” Remus sighed, “It’s a map and it shows where everyone in Hogwarts is. I saw you on it. I didn’t tell the others. I wanted you to explain to me first.”

“You can’t tell them,” I blurt immediately. Remus frowns and watches me carefully. “I had a bad cold,” I explain. “I mean, a bad cold by my standards which are probably a little different than most peoples.”

Remus snorts and shakes his head irritably at me. “There’s no reason why the others shouldn’t know about your…sickness.”

I bristle at the pause he put before the word ‘sickness’. “There are plenty of reasons,” I say sternly. Remus arches an eyebrow at me and I explain, “People treat me differently. I’m not weak. I might be quiet and shy but I’m not weak.”

“Calliope,” Remus starts with a sarcastic edge, “There’s a difference between being stubborn and being strong. And I’m fairly positive that if they treat me the same after my secret, they aren’t going to react to yours.”

“It’s not the same Remus,” I huff, referring to his lycanthropy and my lupus. 

“How exactly?”

My eyes water stubbornly. I don’t like bickering with him, but I know I’m right this time. “It isn’t,” I repeat, slightly choked. Remus reaches out tenderly to my cheek as a frustrated tear spills over.

“I’d never tell anyone,” Remus whispers, wiping away the tear with his thumb. “That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.”

I pull away slightly in irritation but even as I rethink the action, Remus takes away his hand as if burnt and stands.

“You should rest more,” he says with a slightly cold edge. “I’ll stop back later.”

Madame Pomfrey, right on cue, returns from her office just as Remus turns to leave. I can’t manage a plea for him to stay with the nurse hovering over me, so I simply watch him leave, under as gloomy of a cloud as the one he entered the infirmary beneath.

“Miss DeSole, there’s something we need to discuss,” Madame Pomfrey starts.

I sigh deeply and tilt my head back to stare at the Nurse towering over me.

“You’re last few check ups have helped, I’ve figured out why your health has been so poor this year.”

Fabulous. This is exactly the kind of bad news I want to hear right about now.

“You’ve been forming an internal infection over several of your organs.”

That’s a lovely image, thank you.

“We’re going to have to give you a magical body flush,” Pomfrey tells me gently. “They aren’t dangerous or uncomfortable at all, but you will have to stay unconscious through it. There is a small chance of it taking a great deal of time before you wake, depending on the state of the infection. However, in your case, this shouldn’t be a problem.”

Sleeping? Sounds great, actually.

“You should be fine to leave when you wake up, if not a little hungry,” She says lightly. “And you should be feeling considerably better than you have since the start of the winter.”

“It sounds fine,” I tell her. Put me to sleep. Maybe when I wake up again Remus won’t be mad anymore…or maybe not. Maybe he’ll have just given up on me and started dating some new fairy princess. That Ravenclaw fifth year that follows him around all the time. Can you sleep through heartbreak?

“It’ll take me most of today to get the potion ready,” Madame Pomfrey concludes, back to her usually brisk self. “You’d might as well rest, even if you will be asleep for quite awhile.”

As she leaves I feel drowsiness sinking back in. The potions she gave me for the arrival of Melody and the Gryffindors didn’t seem to hold out too well against my ‘conversation’ with Remus. I relax back into the pillows and pull the blanket over my shoulders. But as I try to fall asleep all I can hear is Remus’ derision and all I can see is that arched eyebrow taunting me. 

***

Evidently I managed to sleep. Even if I did spend at least an hour trying to sort myself out over Remus. Madame Pomfrey wakes me up to a bowl of soup and informs me that the Clean and Clear Potion is almost ready.

“Has,” I hesitate but I have to know. “Has Remus been back?”

Madame Pomfrey shakes her head pityingly and I focus back on my soup.

“Would you like to wait till he comes back before taking the potion?” Pomfrey asks me.

I shake my head, “It’s fine.” Too bad I’m definitely lying. I want to finish talking with Remus before possibly falling asleep for a month. Anyways I’m fairly sure that sleeping through an argument could be considered avoidance and I feel as though Remus might resent that. I want to know that he’ll be there when I wake up. I want to know that everything will be okay between us again. Madame Pomfrey returns with a mug full a slightly shimmering pale liquid.

“There’s no rush in taking it,” Pomfrey tells me, “If you want to wait for him a little longer.” She leaves me blushing and smiling in bed and goes back to her office.

So I wait. Sitting up in bed and watching the sunset at the window to my right, thinking that might make a pretty picture for him to see when he comes in. Except the door never opens. And I sit and I wait and I start to realize that saying he would be back later might only have been a means of escape. And perhaps he’s a little more than upset with me. 

And as the sun sinks down, and a there’s a rosy cast over the landscape and even a little in the room I decide that Remus is, in fact, not coming. So I take the mug of pearly white liquid and take a sip. And the door opens. Remus walks in and sees me, haloed in rosy light with wide shocked eyes, spit back the sip of potion into the mug. 

Well done me. A very pretty picture indeed.

Remus walks over with a curious and amused expression.

“What’s that?” he asks, pointing to the potion.

“A potion that will put me to sleep for days, possibly weeks,” I say, and then add at his shocked face, “Oh! And it’ll clear up an infection I’ve got so I won’t get as sick as I have been lately.”

Remus nods, calming slightly. “Do you have to take it now?”

“It can wait,” I assure him and he smiles. “I’m so sorry, Remus.”

“I know,” he says. “I’m sorry too.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” I protest.

He shakes his head, “Yes I do. You made me so comfortable when you found out my secret. I’ve done nothing but chastise you. You don’t know how much it means to me that you understand what it’s like to be seen a certain way for a condition you can’t control. But you have to understand that I know exactly how it feels to have a really private secret discovered by your friends. And I can promise you that it’s considerably easier in the end. Not to mention that you have people to look out for you. I know you aren’t weak, Calliope,” he whispers, “But that doesn’t make you invincible.”

I open and close my mouth like a fish, trying to form the right words. I settle on, “You’re right,” and, “Thank you.”

Remus sits down on the bed next to me and looks me directly in the eye. “I don’t want to treat you like you’re fragile or sickly but I know that I won’t be able to help being worried for you. I don’t know what we’ll do about full moons but we’ll figure it out. I know that I’ll ask how you’re feeling and I’ll fuss over you when you have a cold and I’ll always make you wear my jacket or my gloves at night. And if all of that bothers you than I don’t know what I’ll have to do because I care about you and there’s no way that I can pretend like I don’t.”

“It’s fine, Remus,” I say, scooting closer to him. “I won’t mind any of it.”

“Yes you will,” he tells me with a smile, brushing my bangs out of my eyes.

“Not too much,” I promise him. 

“So explain this potion to me again,” Remus says, clearing his throat and breaking our rather cutesy eye-gazing moment. 

I give him all the details Madame Pomfrey gave me, including the fact that I have a series of infections. 

“You’ll be okay though,” Remus asks, already looking worried again.

“It should get rid of anything bad, not just the infections. I’ll probably be a lot healthier than I have been all year,” I assure him.

“And you’ll just be sleeping?”

“She said it wasn’t at all dangerous or uncomfortable,” I tell him.

“I guess you should take it then,” Remus says grudgingly, picking the mug up off the bedside table.

“Remus, will you-?”

“I’ll be here when you wake up,” He tells me, leaning forward and kissing my forehead.

I take the mug from his hands and drink, feeling more and more exhausted every time I swallow. Finally unable to continue drinking, Remus catches the mug from my hands as I fall backwards into the pillows. My head hits the pillow with a ‘thump’ and my eyes droop shut at the sight of Remus’ worried eyes only to lift again a second later with sunshine falling over my face and a considerably more pleasant looking Remus leaning over me with a smile. Not to mention I feel perfectly alert again.

“Was that it?” I ask.

Remus grins, “You’ve been asleep all week.”

I sit up quickly, feeling alarmingly chipper, “All week?! I just blinked!”

“Did I forget to mention that part?” Pomfrey asked innocently.

“Where is everyone?” I ask Remus.

“In class.”

“You haven’t been skipping all week have you?” I ask sternly.

“No Calliope, I haven’t been skipping class,” Remus laughs. “Madame Pomfrey sent for me when she noticed you were close to waking up.”

Finally catching up to myself, my stomach rumbles viciously. “I’m starved,” I mention a little late.

“You’re free to leave with Mr. Lupin when you’re ready,” Pomfrey tells me. “I’m sure he can show you to the kitchens.”

Remus waits for me while I shower and dress. I feel shaky from hunger but otherwise perfect. Either noticing my slightly trembling legs, or simply feeling affectionate, Remus wraps an arm around my waist and guides me out of the hospital. My brain tries to catch up on the time lost from the weeks slumber that I can’t recall. 

“How are you now?” Remus asks.

“Good,” I tell him. “ _Much_ better.”

“We still have a lot to talk about,” he says quietly.

I nod and think, “Where would you like to start?” It may only feel like minutes for me since we were talking. But Remus has been thinking for a week now, he probably has a lot more to say. 

He stops us and turns me to face him, still smiling. “We’ve got time,” he mumbles, leaning down. “There are other things to catch up on…”

We kiss until my stomach protests with another loud grumble and Remus laughs. 

“Like having you fed.”

 

 

_AN: Awws. Just four more chapters left! I hope it's not dragging too much. Anyways, you know the drill!_


	21. Love Stories

  


Chapter Twenty-one

Love Stories

I kneel down to the floor, picking up my books I had dropped. In front of me a deliciously familiar pair of hands assists me. One hand reaches out, parting the bangs that have grown out again to hang in front of my eyes. Remus smiles at me through the curtain of my hair, passing me my books, as I experience a stomach-dropping sense of déjà vu.

“There you are,” he says, teasing me for my habit of hiding behind my hair.

He pulls me up but I can’t shake the strange feeling that this all happened before, not at all recently. And then I remember…

__

My books go crashing to the floor as Sirius Black rushes past me, chasing James Potter out of the Defense class room. I sigh unhappily and kneel down onto the floor, I suppose I’d have to wait for Anna to finish talking with the Professor, anyways. I peek through my hair as a pair of scruffy looking brown trainers stop in front of me, and then threadbare black robes billow down to the floor. A set of pale and scarred hands reach out and stack the books for me. One pale hand hesitates in the air before reaching out and parting the curtain of my dark hair. Soft green eyes, flecked with gold peer at me through my hair. I blink and suck in a deep breath at the beautiful depth in the green eyes. 

__

“There you are,” murmurs a soft male voice, passing me the stack of books in his hand.

__

Remus Lupin, the ever so slightly less than infamous Marauder and Gryffindor, the tallest and palest and most standoffish of the quartet, has just stopped in his path to help me. It’s more than a little unbelievable. He might be a tad peaky, ghostly pale and strangely scared, but he’s the best thing I’ve seen all year. He smiles faintly and we both stand. He stuffs his hands in his pockets and nods absently before turning to leave.

__

“Thanks,” I whisper.

__

He looks back briefly over his shoulder with the same faint smile, before continuing on his way. 

__

“You ready?” A quiet voice, so similar to my own, asks. Anna, my height with my eyes but pale blonde hair cropped boyishly short, follows my line of vision to the retreating back of the most graceful boy in Hogwarts. “Oh, ‘Liope,” she murmurs affectionately, taking my arm. “Don’t waste your time.”

__

“I wasn’t, Nana,” I reply in a whisper, dropping my eyes back to my books.

__

“Calliope?”

I look up to see Remus several steps ahead of me, looking at me curiously.

“Sorry,” I say, catching up to him and tucking myself under his arm. “I was just remembering something.”

That was it. That was the moment I fell in love. The moment I knew that Remus Lupin could see me. That he wasn’t just a Marauder, but that he was gentle and complex and beautiful. I had tucked it away after Anna’s chastisement. I had almost forgotten that there ever was a moment. I had completely forgotten that I had ever even talked to him, looked him in the eye. It was such a small moment.

And I ached at the memory of Anna, or Nana as I called her up until sixth year when we decided that our nicknames were a little juvenile. She had called me ‘Liope’ after hearing my parents use it. I had called her Nana when she behaved as if she was older than me. Which was almost always. Anna was a very nurturing, mothering type of person despite her frequent silence.

“Calliope?” Remus repeats. 

I blink at him, just now noticing the way he says my name. Ca _llio_ pe. Instead of Sirius and Melody’s _Ca_ lliope.

“Are you alright?” he asks gently.

“I was just thinking about Anna,” I admit. “It sort of came out of nowhere.”

“You miss her,” he says. It might have been a question, but either way it didn’t really need an answer.

“I always miss her,” I tell him. “I was just remembering things.”

“What sort of things?”

“I’d forgotten that people used to think we were sisters. She had short blond hair but otherwise we looked almost identical,” I tell him and he listens silently. “Our nicknames for each other, that sort of thing.”

“You had a nickname?” he asks with obvious surprise.

“Of course, I have nicknames now,” I remind him.

“Yes, but you hate them.”

I grin, “Is that why you never call me ‘Cal’?”

“Of course.” Remus is silent for a moment before asking, “What did Anna call you?”

“’Liope. She heard it from my parents,” I explain.

“’Liope,” he murmurs, as if testing it. It gives me shivers to hear it used again after so long. “I’m sorry,” he says, noticing my physical reaction. “I won’t use it.”

“It’s not that,” I assure him. “It’s just been a long time since anyone called me that.”

“You’re parents never called you Cal or Callie?” Remus asks.

“Only if they wanted to make me mad,” I laugh.

“Calliope,” Remus starts in a way that I know means he’s changing the subject to something more serious. “Are you going home for the Easter break?”

I had been thinking about this for awhile. I hadn’t scattered my parent’s ashes yet as I had originally intended. I wasn’t ready for the separation. I wasn’t ready to believe that they wouldn’t be home waiting for me in the summer.

“I think I should,” I say quietly.

“I’ll go home then too,” Remus tells me. “That way I can floo over if you need someone around. My parents haven’t really asked if I was coming back yet, since usually I stay at Hogwarts over breaks. But I can’t imagine they’d say no to me being home.”

“Would you come home with me?” I ask suddenly, the idea just striking me. Remus looks more than a little surprised. “I mean, unless you want to stay at home. I just hadn’t really thought of bringing anyone back with me. Because you’re right, I would want someone there. And I can ask Melody to come if you wouldn’t feel comfortable…I just…you would be my first choice. Maybe it’s a little-”

“I’d love to,” he cuts me off, smiling. “Really. I love my parents and everything but…you’re certainly better company than them.”

We smile dopily at one another at the thought of a week alone and continue on our way to lunch. 

Things have been on an upward trend ever since the full moon two weeks ago. Well, for one thing, I’m completely healthy again. Remus helped me catch up with all my work from the week of sleep, and the time studying gave us a lot of talking time as well. I hadn’t told the others about my lupus. They seemed content to know that I was going to be fine. Remus never suggested that I give my secret away. I wasn’t even sure anymore if he wanted me to. It seemed to be forgotten. 

I could tell that he was thinking seriously about something lately though. Occasionally he would be just the slightest bit distant, it was almost as if he was studying me. Other times he would be sweeter, and more gently affectionate than ever. I wasn’t sure what was going through his mind but I was happy to wait it out with him seeing as how it didn’t seem to be anything I needed to worry about.

***

N.E.W.T.s. It was all anyone in seventh year was thinking about. Okay. Not all. And not anyone. Sirius and Melody didn’t really seem to be all that interested. They had skipped the Marauder plus girlfriends study session for the afternoon. And it probably wasn’t the only thing James and Lily were interested in, because they had gone missing about an hour ago and no one had seen hide or hair of them since. But it was definitely high on the list of seventh year priorities. Or Remus priorities. Because he certainly wasn’t dragging me off for any private tutoring sessions. Even Peter and Hestia had disappeared. Albeit separately, and under rather innocent sounding excuses. But Remus was having one of his preoccupied days and after a few minutes of studying my attempt at hand holding he seemed to give up the occupation and return to studying his Defense textbook. 

So I curled up in my own arm chair, shrugging off the sense of neglect and focusing on my Astronomy. Not that I was worried about this particular exam, but simply because it was probably the most enjoyable for me to study.

“What’s the best response to a Bone Breaker Hex?” Remus calls out to me suddenly.

“Haven’t the faintest,” I reply absently. “A medi-witch?”

“Why are you studying Astronomy?” Remus asks, “You don’t need to study Astronomy, you know it all.”

“You don’t need to study Defense, you know it all,” I reply easily, not really paying attention.

“I’m not studying, I’m quizzing you,” he tells me tersely.

“I’m quizzing you too,” I mutter, reading a particularly interesting passage on Black holes.

There’s a long pause and then Remus drawls out, “Well…what’s the question?”

I sigh and look up finally, “What question?”

“You said you were quizzing me.”

“I did? I’m not quizzing you. I’m studying for Astronomy.”

Remus groans and rolls his eyes as I stare back blankly.

“Trouble in paradise?”

Remus and I both look up to see a rather smug looking Durocher standing before us.

“What are you doing here?” Remus and I ask at the same time. Remus is laced with a threat while mine is simply curious.

“Just passing by,” Durocher says innocently, sending me an unwarranted wink.

I simply raise my eyebrow, a trait I’ve adopted from Remus.

“Enjoy it while it lasts, Lupin,” Durocher advises. “Before she loses interest.”

And then he walks away. Just like that. I didn’t even know people said stupid things like that in real life. 

“I hate him,” I say simply. “He’s dumb.”

It takes me a moment to notice that Remus is still frowning, looking unhappy.

“Remus,” I call and he looks up, troubled. “You didn’t really listen to that did you? He’s got no right to say that, especially to you of all people.” I mean honestly. It’s Remus. I love him. Not that I’ve said so to either Durocher or Remus. Although sometimes I think Remus knows. It’s hard to tell. I know I’ll tell him soon, but I want to be sure it won’t scare him. So I don’t know how to bring it up; from the beginning, which I’ve only recently remembered, or simply that I know. I’ve always known but I could leave it that I know now. That I feel it now, and just not mention the fact that I feel it now more than years before. 

“Calliope, are you settling?” Remus asks quietly. “For me, I mean.”

“Am I what?”

“Are you settling for what’s available rather than what you want?”

“Are you serious?” I ask with a half smile, not believing what he’s saying.

“Yes.”

“Of course not!”

“I love you.”

I stare at him, disbelief written all over my expression as a delirious happiness bubbles up inside me. 

“I don’t even know how long I have but I realized when you were sick. I’ve never been as worried as I was then, I could barely believe how scared I was for you. And I knew it was because you mean so much more to me than anyone else. The Marauders are like my family but I can’t even compare the difference between you and them and I don’t know how it happened so fast or how to explain other than that I love you,” Remus let out in a breath.

I opened my mouth ready to pour my own heart out but he held up his hand to stop me and the scared and hurt expression on his face choked the words in my throat.

“I don’t expect you to feel the same way,” he started.

“Remus I-”

“Calliope wait,” he cut me off sternly. “I don’t expect you to love me, at least not yet. I just want to know that you aren’t with me only because I’m here. I don’t need you to love me, I just need to know that you don’t love someone else. And I don’t need to know now. Just think about it.”

“Remus I don’t need to-” I try again desperately, happy even just to know that he loves me.

“Just think about it,” Remus repeats, still stern. He looks up and nods, and I turn to see James and Lily and Sirius return to our table. Remus gathers his things and leaves the table as I watch, mouth dropped open but too afraid of everyone watching to say anything.

“What just happened?” Sirius asks me after Remus disappears. 

“He told me he loves me,” I mumble sadly.

“Calliope that’s wonderful!” James shouts, patting me on the back.

I only shake me head in confusion, “No, something’s wrong. I did something wrong.”

James and Sirius share a look, and then shake their heads in unison.

“You go talk to him,” Sirius directs James and Lily and then sits down next to me. “It can’t be that bad, Cal.”

“I just don’t understand,” I moan, drooping down onto the table. “Why would he ever think that I was settling for him? He _had_ to know that I was in love with him from the start.”

“Did you tell him?” Sirius asks as if this was an obvious option.

“Of course not.”

Sirius stares down at me pointedly as I dizzily try to understand Remus’ logic. 

“I was going to tell him just now,” I offer weakly.

Sirius pats my arm, “He’s just being insecure. Give him a few days and he’ll shake it off.”

“I’m not waiting a few days! He might change his mind about being in love,” I cry and Sirius laughs at me. “Sirius…I need to know how you got into our bathroom from yours before the ball.”

***

__

I lift my head from my reading and look at Anna. “I’m in love with Remus Lupin,” I announce.

__

“You don’t really love him, ‘Liope,” Anna assures me immediately, barely looking away from her own book. We sit outside in the spring at the end of our fifth year. Not by the lake where the other girls who have only just this year begun to admire the Marauders sit, but in the shade, closer to the forest. Somewhere we can see but not be seen.

__

I should have known that my first, and most likely only, attempt at expressing my feelings for Remus would have been shot done. The fact that it comes from Anna is a little surprising, normally she only offers support. But I suppose I would do the same for her if I thought she had fallen in love with someone who would never look twice at her. Although I might not try to convince her that it was a crush rather than love.

__

“It’s just Hogwarts,” Anna reminds me quietly. “We’re too young to fall in love.”

__

“My parents fell in love at Hogwarts,” I remark. 

__

Anna runs her fingers through the grass contemplatively. She looks up at me and, as always, I am struck by the notion that our eyes are the mirror images of one another’s. 

__

“Your parents fell in love,” Anna agrees. “They dated in Hogwarts, but they fell in love later. No one falls in love at Hogwarts.”

__

“No Hufflepuffs fall in love at Hogwarts,” I reply and Anna smiles. Gryffindors and Ravenclaws have those fickle, sensitive natures that encourage love. Hufflepuffs never do anything exciting until after we graduate. Late-bloomers. Or so Anna and I have come to decide. “I think love can grow and change. I don’t think that just because my love is young and relatively unnoticed, means that it isn’t really love. I‘m starting out small.”

__

“You’ll fall in love one day, ‘Liope,” Anna sighs. She and I both look over to see Remus watching his friends pick on Severus Snape as Lily Evans howls at James Potter. “Just not with him,” Anna adds.

__

I frown and dip my head back down to my book.

__

“You really do love him don’t you?” Melody asks, watching me set a chair down beneath the bathroom vent. 

I smile slightly, shaking away the memories of Anna’s loving skepticism. “Yes,” I tell Melody.

“How do you do it?” she asks me as I remove the vent cover.

“Love him?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s really that I don’t know how not to,” I confess.

Melody smiles “I don’t really believe in Hogwarts love,” she tells me. “But there’s really no other way of looking at it with you and Remus.”

I pause before climbing into the vent, Sirius’ directions in hand. “As Hufflepuff’s we’re late bloomers,” I offer Melody. “We do great things, we just wait till after we’ve made it through adolescence. But my mother was a Gryffindor and my father was a Ravenclaw. I was doomed for young love at birth.”

Melody laughs at my explanation and the sound echoes behind me as I begin my journey on hands and knees. Sirius had suggested knee pads, but I didn’t know any quidditch players. Except Durocher of course, and I wasn’t about to ask him for favors. The trip is shorter than I except, and strangely horizontal considering that the Hufflepuff Common Room is underground and the Gryffindor Tower is well…a tower. Hogwarts magic, I presume.

I hear pleasantly familiar voices just as my knees begin to mourn the trip. I follow the voices to a dusty stream of light, sifting in from a vent below me. I lean forward in the dingy ceiling shaft to listen.

“I’m just saying Rem,” Sirius shouts over Remus unhappy grumbles, “You could have at least let her talk right then. Saved yourself, not to mention Cal, a little agony and the rest of us the displeasure of watching you both mope.”

He’s right. Sirius had to deal with a lot of moping after he gave me the directions here. I shift my hand in just exactly the wrong way and go toppling out of my safe hiding place and crashing down to the thin woven rug on the floor of the Gryffindor Seventh Year Boy’s Bathroom.

OW! “Ow!” Ow.

Four curious faces turn away from each other to me wincing on the thinly carpeted tile floor. Sirius sighs and rolls his eyes.

“I said to come late, Calliope,” he snorts. “Not minutes after curfew.”

Remus sighs and I have the distinct impression that he attempts to stifle a chuckle at my expense.

“Are you alright?” he asks me walking over and reaching out his hand, pulling me up.

“Ow,” I reply.

There’s a flicker of a smile that rushes across his face before he looks at me sternly, “What are you doing here?”

“We have to talk,” I say in my best impression of his own authoritative, soft voice. “Scratch that. I have to talk. You have to listen.”

“Calliope, I told you I wanted you to think about this,” Remus murmurs to me, staring just behind my head.

“You can’t tell me what to do,” I reply defiantly. “Anyways I didn’t need to think. I _know_ that I…” I look up to see James, Sirius and Peter all watching us intently. “Er…”

Remus looks over his shoulder to see his friends smirking and waiting for me to continue. He sighs and pulls me into their dorm, leading me to the tidiest and best lit corner of the room. He pulls aside the curtain and ushers me onto his bed, following behind.

“Moony she said she wanted to talk not shnaiofslsk…”

“Shut up, Padfoot,” James mutters, obviously the one who stifled Sirius’ inappropriate comment.

Remus picks his wand up from the stack of books on the bed and sets a Privacy charm on the interior of the bed with the curtains shut.

“Calliope,” Remus sighs, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed that you saw me as a similar opportunity to Durocher. I was just being jealous and…insecure.”

“You’re right,” I say unforgivingly, “You shouldn’t have. And yes, you were.”

Remus opens his mouth in defense but I hold up my hand.

“Be quiet,” I tell him forcefully. “How dare you tell me that I don’t know how I feel.” There’s a pause of uncertainty where I’m not sure if can I continue. And then I realize that I don’t have any choice after that rather dramatic statement. To punctuate it I reach out and shove Remus lightly in the shoulder in frustration. His eyes widen in surprise but he stays quiet. “You aren’t the only one with stories about falling in love, you know!” I tell him. “And you don’t even know exactly when it happened. I know the exact moment when I fell in love with you, and let me tell you, you have some serious catching up to do!”

Remus grins at me, “Do you mean-”

“Shut up,” I snap irrationally. “Look, I’m sorry that sometimes I don’t always say what I’m thinking. But I don’t really think you realize how crazy this year has been for me! Not that I ever tried to explain it to you. It’s just that I used to run around the bloody corner when I saw you in the hall. I was so afraid that if you actually saw me I would know for sure that you didn’t like what you saw. Except I forgot that the whole reason that I fell in love with you in the first place was because you _did_ see me. I actually forgot that there ever was a reason to love you. Well, there were loads of reasons to love you, but I’d forgotten the actual moment when I’d started.

“So the fact that you could even think that I might ever love anyone else is just a little preposterous to me. You were always what I wanted, Remus. Last year with Durocher, fifth year and fourth year. I’d gotten so used to hiding from you that it completely flipped my world around when we started talking this year. And I didn’t want to scare you away, so maybe I did act like I didn’t care. But it was only because I really did care. So don’t tell me I don’t love you!” I shout, shoving Remus again. “I’ve fell in love with you in fourth year. I’m just another stupid fan girl except that it isn’t really like that because loving you makes more sense every day. And I didn’t realize years ago that I would actually be able to love you more than I already had, but that was because I didn’t realize how much easier it would be to love you if I actually knew you and you knew me…” I frown and take a deep breath. I think I’ve completely lost track of what I was saying. Remus reaches out to cup my cheek with his hand, but I brush it away distracted. “Stop it,” I tell him. “I don’t think I’m done yet.”

“I don’t care,” Remus replies, laughing. “I’m going to have to kiss you now.”

I sigh grumpily, giving up my attempt at a really well composed Love Speech. “Fine.”

Remus pulls me to him and takes my face in his hands, kissing me gently and -dare I say it?? - lovingly. The tense confusion knotted up inside me untangles itself and I relax into his lap. 

“Better?” he asks, pulling away.

“Mmhmm,” I mumble, opening my eyes and doing my best not to deliver him a gushy smile. “I _love_ you,” I whisper.

“So I gather,” Remus teases.

“You have to say it back,” I remind him.

He leans his forehead against mine and whispers the words back against my mouth.

“Did any of what I said make any sense?” I ask.

“I was just counting how many times you said you loved me,” Remus tells me with a boyish grin.

“How many?”

“Nine, I think,” Remus tells me in a very serious voice. “But a few were a little vague.” He gently removes me from his lap and sets the books on the bed onto his bedside table and then lays down, patting the spot next to him. I curl up against him, twining my leg around his. “Now why don’t you start from the beginning,” Remus suggests quietly.

“Which beginning?”

“The beginning of your love story,” he says. “The part where you realized you were in love with me.”

“You helped me pick up my books after Defense,” I tell him.

“You mean that time in fourth year?”

“You remember?” I ask incredulously.

“You looked at me funny.”

“I didn’t look at you _funny_ ,” I retort. “I was a young girl falling in love.”

“Well how was I supposed to know what that looked like when I was fifteen?”

“It doesn’t matter. Anyways. After I realized I was in love with you I started avoiding you.”

“You were really logical back then, Calliope.”

“Are you going to let me tell the story?” Silent pause. “Alright then. Anyways I didn’t really expect you to notice me avoiding you.”

“Calliope?”

“You’re interrupting again.”

“Yes, well I see that we’re at a really _riveting_ part of the story and everything,” Remus drawls sarcastically, “But I have an important question.”

I lift my head to look at him and he continues.

“Did we miss out?” I stare at him, not sure what he means. “Did we lose time together?” he clarifies.

I consider the question. If we did it was most likely my fault. If I hadn’t been forced into his company so efficiently this year, I’d still be hiding behind books and ducking corners every time he came near.

“We weren’t ready yet,” I assure both Remus and myself.

 

_AN: Aw yay. Just three more chapters. The next is a bit of silliness and then after that the real soft finale or whatever. Enjoy!_


	22. Failing For The First Time

 

Chapter Twenty-two

Failing For the First Time

Spring. Finally we had breached the cold. The weather had been warming for weeks but it was _officially_ spring as of today. And what better way to find spring had sprung than by being _in love_. It was an emotion that Remus and I had only just discovered days ago. Mutual love. And perhaps we weren’t able to patent it for ourselves, for even James and Lily had beaten us to it, but it felt like the experience was ours alone.

I mourned the fact that we, really just Remus, had chosen to spend our first Saturday of LOVEDOM by studying in the library with the others. But Remus compensated for my disappointment by allowing me to perch myself atop his lap for the day. If it handicapped his ability to focus on the books in front of him, I reaped none of the benefits of his distraction. We had been studying since noon and it was nearing nine in the evening now. Perhaps there had been a leisurely dinner involved, I couldn’t recall at this point. I had been doing my best to attend to my Arithmancy for the better part of an hour now, but there was just one problem in my way. Remus, for all his diligence and enthusiasm for scholastics was distracting me in the worst way. His brow was furrowed in an endearing manner, and he leaned slightly around me to get a better view of his Potions textbook, but this was not the problem. The problem was the absentminded habit he developed for the evening of drawing loops and swirls with his fingertips against my inner thigh. 

Originally I had hoped that it was some secret sign of his desire to be elsewhere, but he only stared blankly back at my raised eyebrow when I grabbed his attention. Next I had assumed that it was a method of teasing torture he had developed to rub in the fact that we were surrounded by our friends in a busy library, rather than enjoying ourselves alone. In all honesty I haven’t completely ruled out that option yet. But at the moment I’m forced to accept that Remus is simply completely unaware of the excruciating deliciousness he’s subjecting me to. Which is a shame because I know how much he loves to tease me, he would probably appreciate this moment.

Remus leans forward, frowning and examining his book as his hand slips unconsciously further up my leg and his thumbs presses torturously into my skin.

“Calliope,” he murmurs, “What’s an antidote for Blind’s Bluff?”

“Mmm…” I whimper slightly before mastering my vocal chords, albeit breathlessly, “Er…That’s just a folk name for Poppy. You could use a stimulant in the antidote.”

None of the others seem to have noticed my whine of conflicted pleasure, they barely look up at our discussion. But Remus’ hand has stilled and by the look on his face, and the darkening color in his cheeks, his brain seems to have caught up to his limbs. The corner of his mouth twitches and his eyes give me a vague warning before he slides his hand back down to my knee, massaging slow and deliberate. I bite my lip and hold in a sigh, pulling my Arithmancy book in front of my face. Remus grins happily, watching me, and his hand starts the path back up my leg. 

I can’t take it! I jump up from his lap and move out his reach.

“I need a new book,” I say, not that anyone cares.

Remus stands, still grinning. “I think I’m done with this one as well, come on.”

He wraps an arm around my waist and set his hand low on my hip, guiding me away from the others before I can object. Out of anyone’s sight we grab at one another’s hand and rush through the aisles towards the back. Remus stops us in one of the more shadowy spots and braces me between himself and the side of a bookshelf. His hips push against mine as his mouths swoops down and pulls me into a panting kiss. He holds my face with strong hands as he takes my last breath and I keep my arms tight around him. I can hear hushed voices from tables of students not far away. Remus moves his hand down to my waist, tucking chilly fingers against the warm skin under my t-shirt. I want to be alone. I don’t want to hear the tones of our classmates. 

I push Remus gently away and his eyes meet mine, annoyed at my interruption. I take his hand and pull him along behind me, into the very back of the library where the bookshelves give way to cool stone walls. Our mouths meet again quickly, this time my lips giving and taking with equal enthusiasm. Remus lifts me and presses me against the wall. The tips of my toes just barely reach the floor as Remus hides his face against my neck, sucking and gently biting. My fingers play into his short hair as I sigh raggedly, everything about me is weak at his touch. My tee shirt rides up over my rib cage as my feet drop back to the floor and Remus greets my lips hungrily. His fingers fit perfectly in the shallow valleys between my ribs. His leg nudges itself between mine and I feel faint. We separate for air but our breath only mingles together. Out of the corner of my eye I notice a shadow.

I set my hand against Remus’ chest and try to wiggle myself away as a very crisp throat clears itself from a few feet away. Remus releases me instantly but doesn’t jump away, simply turns his head and glares at the intruder. 

Emmeline only rolls her eyes. “I hate to barge in but you’re…canoodling in front of a book I need.” How awkward. Except she looks less disgusted and more amused. Maybe she’s not so bad after all. Except for her being cruel to Remus, although it did set off a rather lovely series of events.

Remus lets out a very quiet, slightly mournful, growl as we retreat from our hiding spot. We pause in a dark alcove and I watch him lean back against the wall, taking a deep breath.

“We should get back,” he says unhappily. “The library will close soon, we should get our stuff.”

It’s an option. But not one I’m very interested in.

I step forward and relax against Remus, “The others can take our stuff back for us,” I suggest.

Remus tenses slightly, burying his face in my hair. “And where would we be?” he asks, his voice muffled.

“Somewhere people won’t be looking for books,” I say wryly.

Remus laughs. “Such as?”

Honestly. Do I have to spell it out for the boy?

“Room of Requirement.” I try to make it sound casual, although I know I don’t succeed.

Remus lifts my chin with his fingertips and his eyes bore into mine, making my whole body feel like it’s on coals. He lowers his head and I lift mine to meet him for a very gentle, wanting kiss.

“Let’s go,” he whispers upon pulling away. 

We wind through the library, avoiding the central table where our friends are likely sitting, and manage to escape unseen. Remus leads me through passageways and untrafficked halls, and we stumble into walls kissing and groping and laughing. We hide in the alcove behind a suit of armor, waiting for Professor McGonagall to pass and find ourselves lingering there clinging to one another, unwilling to separate even for a better location than behind a rusty statue. We drag ourselves to the sixth floor and race back and forth together in front of the open wall. 

I just want privacy, I think. A nice quiet, dark, comfortable space to be alone with him. And as the door appear, the nerves begin to settle in. I know what I want, but what does Remus want? He’s always slowing me down, keeping us from going too far. 

But as Remus throws open the door to reveal exactly what I wanted, somewhere that looks serene and soft and is only dimly lit, he certainly doesn’t seem to be hesitating. He pulls me inside behind him, and the door closes itself with the satisfying sound of a lock clicking shut. We will be alone, I know. Remus pulls me back to him, kissing and holding, and we stumble back onto a cushion. He falls heavily on top of me, but neither one of us pauses for a second.

I pull at Remus’ shirt, wanting to feel his skin, be continuously closer. Together we manage to get it off of him with out pulling away from each other for more than an instant. Immediately I move to pull away my shirt, the idea of clothing suddenly seeming ridiculous, but Remus pulls away.

“Wait,” he gasps.

We take deep breaths and I lie beneath him, nervous and waiting for some explanation. He sits up and pulls me along with him, holding me firmly at my waist.

“Are you sure?” he asks, reaching up and brushing my hair away from my face, focusing in on my eyes again.

“I love you,” I offer him.

“That doesn’t mean that we have to,” he says.

I smile, knowing that he’s only being cautious for my sake.

“Well it certainly doesn’t make me reluctant to,” I reply. 

Remus grins but still looks slightly uncertain. I move to him, setting myself across his lap, one leg on either side of his hips. I lift my t-shirt up and over my head, throwing it aside and kissing him gently, and then stronger, pulling at his lips.

“I _need_ you,” I whisper to him.

Finally, he obliges.

***

__

Calliope DeSole

__

How excruciatingly awkward.

There’s no other word for it.

Why did no one ever mention this before?

Remus and I stop in front of the Great Hall and take alternating glances at one another until we’re forced to make eye contact.

“Coming to breakfast?” he asks gently.

I consider the offer, I am hungry, but escape sounds welcome. “I should find Melody,” I say. “She’s probably worried.”

Remus smiles shyly and leans down, pressing his lips against my temple, soothing away some of the strangeness. “Find me later?”

I nod and we part. I start to make my way back to the Hufflepuff Common Room. Passing people along the way I feel somewhat self-conscious. Will anyone notice that I’m dressed in yesterdays clothing? I could use a shower, my skin still feels somewhat sticky and strange, even if I do appreciate the fact that I smell a little like Remus. 

“Calliope!!” 

Oh damn. The last two people I would ever want to see at this moment appear in front of me.

“Have you seen Remus?” James asks.

“We missed him last night,” Sirius coos girlishly. 

“He’s in the Great Hall,” I reply immediately, eager to escape their notice.

“We were there just a little bit ago, he wasn’t there,” Sirius objects.

“I just saw him there,” I mutter with a shrug.

James and Sirius share a curious glance and then shrug in reply, staring to pass me.

“Oi,” James says suddenly with dawning comprehension. He reaches out and takes my arm, grinning wickedly at me, “Weren’t you wearing that yesterday?”

OH. DAMN.

Sirius’ eyebrows shoot up into his hair as his eyes scan over me.

“James look! She’s disheveled and embarrassed!” Sirius cries gleefully.

“Calliope, love, you weren’t with Remus last night were you?” James asks neutrally.

I feel my skin flush from head to toe.

“She was!” Sirius squeals.

“I have to go find Melody,” I tell them, trying to pull away.

“She’s in the Great Hall,” James tells me, looking devilishly pleased. “With Remus. Let’s all go.”

Ah! No. No. No.

“I should go back to the Common Room,” I whine.

“Calliope you haven’t spent any time with James and I since you and Remus started dating,” Sirius mentions. “I think we deserve a little time together.”

He and James link their arms through mine, locking on as I look around desperately for an escape. 

__

Remus Lupin

__

I sit down at the Gryffindor table heavily.

Well. That was a disaster.

No. It wasn’t a disaster. Except it sort of was, wasn’t it? It was strange. And definitely not what I was led to expect.

“Remus!” Lily greets me, sitting across from me at the table. “James and Sirius just went off looking for you.”

Hmm. Yes. I suppose I’ll have to deal with them sooner or later. Later rather than sooner though.

A body drops down into the spot to my left.

“Remus!” Melody greets. I feel surrounded. “You haven’t seen Calliope, have you? She never came back last night.”

This just couldn’t go unnoticed, could it?

“I think she went back to her dorm,” I admit, trying to sound guiltless.

Melody and Lily share a smirk and I duck my head as my cheeks redden.

“So you’ve seen her then?” Lily asks, with the slightest edge of a double entendre.

“We bumped into each other,” I mumble.

Melody snorts and I blush even more. How is it possible for everything to suddenly sound so perverse?

“You guys slept together,” Melody declares bluntly.

I choke on my pumpkin juice and splutter about.

“That’s cute!” Lily tells me. “How was it?”

Who knew girls could be so horribly direct? I look up to find them both staring expectantly at me.

“Er…I don’t think…I mean shouldn’t you ask…It’s not very…” Absolutely nothing works itself into a comprehensible sentence.

Melody frowns slightly and cocks her head to the side. “Did it not go well, then?”

“Remus, what happened?” Lily asks.

Hmm. Perhaps the Marauders _would_ have been a more welcome sight than these two.

__

Calliope DeSole

__

“Come on, Calliope,” James coaxed me gently, “Think of us as neutral, objective, sources.”

They had dragged me out to the quidditch pitch, promising me it was “good think space”. Despite the fact I had refused to speak and had attempted to flee a handful of times James and Sirius still managed to deduce that my first time with Remus had been less than perfection. 

“Seriously, Cal,” Sirius says, sobering. “Tell us.”

I open my mouth and close it again several times before settling on, “Nothing happened.”

“Nothing?” Sirius asks skeptically. “Nothing nothing? Or just nothing bad? Or absolutely nothing?”

“I think she means that during the Something happening, nothing happened,” James clarifies in such a way that confuses even me. “Right, Cal?”

I stare blankly at him, “Maybe.”

But Sirius seems to understand, “Ohhh. You mean nothing happened while you were…you know.”

James sniggers at Sirius’ implication and I throw my hands over my face. Merlin, this _cannot_ be happening. 

__

Remus Lupin

__

I _cannot_ be having this conversation with Lily Evans and Melody Chandler right now. It’s just not possible. 

“But _something_ had to happen,” Melody objects.

Strange, choked, unhappy noises bubble out of my throat while I shake my head and we sit in the empty Charms classroom.

“Nothing…” I grope for the right word and the blush when I find it, “…Worked.”

Lily laughs and makes me feel completely impotent. I cover my face with my hands as she tries to stifle her laughter, “I’m sorry Remus, I’m not laughing at you. It’s just that happened with James and I too.”

__

Calliope DeSole

__

Sirius and nods and pats a disgruntled James on the back, “It’s completely natural,” Sirius assures his friend as I peek over my fingers. “You were nervous. We’re always nervous the first time.”

James sighs and shrugs before adopting a cheerful smile. “Anyways,” he continues, “It always strange and terrible the first time. Even Sirius was a disaster.”

There are just some things I don’t need to know. Even if I do seem to find the conversation strangely assuring and funny. 

Sirius smiles fondly, “It was an overabundance of enthusiasm.”

__

Remus Lupin

__

Melody snorts out through her hard laughter, “He was like a jack rabbit!!” And despite my embarrassment at her pantomimes that follow shortly after, I can’t help but laugh at her imitation of Sirius.

“Anyways,” Lily manages to get out through her giggles, “It wasn’t all bad, was it?”

I smirk and shake my head slightly, still blushing madly.

“You love each other,” Melody reminds me happily.

I smile more fully and nod.

“It’s just a matter of technique,” Lily snorts.

__

Calliope DeSole

__

“You’ll just have to get back on that horse,” Sirius says with a straight face before he and James break out into a series of heavy guffaws.

“Practice…” James snorts, “…Makes!…” he howls with laughter, “…Perfect!!”

__

Calliope DeSole and Remus Lupin

__

Well. That was _almost_ comforting.

 

_AN: Ah! Sorry to have disappeared. Life was all crazy like. Enjoy!_


	23. Promise

  


Chapter Twenty-three

Promise

If the personal conversations we were bullied into by our mutual friends did either of us any lasting damage, Remus and I were careful not to mention it. I still couldn’t look at James or Sirius without wincing. If there was one thing that changed out of the entire experience it was that Remus was no longer hesitant. He was just as open about his desires for me as I was for him. Which is why it was a bit of a shame that we hadn’t managed to spend more than fifteen minutes alone since our first time together. A week later and I was beginning to wonder how we had found the time in the first place at all. The fact that it was a hectic week of essays and pop quizzes shoved in before our week of Easter break had left Remus and I barely anytime to plan the trip back to my house, let alone share any intimate time together.

So I really couldn’t blame Remus for letting out an obvious groan of frustration at his friends just as he had begun to kiss me in our own train compartment. Our own train compartment that is rapidly filling itself with couples. Sirius and Melody sit across from us, smirking and obviously enjoying our frustration. James and Lily, ever the mature and independent examples of a relationship, sit down opposite each other. 

“Where’s Peter?” Melody asks.

“Hestia was optioning for staying at Hogwarts to study,” James answers.

“Dear old Pete,” Sirius muses wryly, “Ever the follower.”

“Are you lot planning on staying in here long?” Remus asks sullenly and I nudge him in the stomach with my elbow. 

“Hey,” James whines, wrapping an arm around his friend’s shoulder. “Calliope gets you for an entire week. I think you owe us a measly train ride.”

“Yeah, like you won’t be owling Remus every other minute to come practice quidditch with you,” Lily snorts.

“It’s not my fault Melody lives so far away and I can’t have my Sirius,” James pouts.

“I’m sure I’ll get tired of him,” Melody tells James pleasantly. “It won’t be long before you see him.”

Remus sighs and pulls away from James, scooting closer to me and tucking me under his arm in the habit of his I’ve grown to love. We’re so well practiced at it that I know exactly how far to slouch in order for us both to be comfortable. I rest my head in the hollow of his shoulder and listen to the continuous hum of Marauders arguing. Melody and I share a glance and a set of satisfied smiles. The drastic changes that have taken place between this years train rides so far are a little unnerving. And I can’t help but hope that this is it for the changes. I’m happier than I remember being, even though sometimes I feel as though I shouldn’t be without Anna and my parents. That’s enough for me.

“Sickle for your thoughts,” Remus whispers in my ear.

“Just thinking about this year,” I tell him.

He brushes hair out of my eyes gently and says nothing. Perhaps there isn’t much to say. 

***

I apparate out of the Alley behind King’s Cross Station to the noise of the other’s apparating away as well. I squeeze myself back out in front of my house, which looks barren and pale. Remus pops into a view a few feet ahead and the scene looks a little brighter for me. He looks back to me, and I know he’s looking for some sort of sign that I’m alright being back here. I take a breath and readjust the case of clothing in my hand, moving forward. 

I feel a spurt of excitement and nervousness as we enter the house. Remus Lupin is in my house! Remus Lupin is staying with me in my house for a week! I watch Remus look around at the front hall familiarly and smile. My very own Remus Lupin. He catches me staring at him and lifts an eyebrow questioningly.

“Give me your bag,” I say, “I’ll take it up to my room.”

Remus pulls his bag out of my reach, and smiles. “I never saw your room last time. I’ll come with you.”

He follows me up the stairs and I catch him looking at the photos on the stair wall, photos of me as a kid. 

“I was so cute,” I say in mock disappointment, “I don’t know what happened.”

“It _is_ a pity,” Remus replies casually with only the slightest hint of humor.

I open the door to my room and stand to the side to reveal my grass green paisley wallpaper and gold and lavender décor. Remus smirks mischievously at me, passing closely in the door before setting his bag down on the floor and collapsing onto my calico quilted bed. I follow his example and fall down onto top of him receiving a humored ‘Hmpf!’ in response.

“You’re heavy,” Remus teases, while pulling me close to him.

It isn’t long before the knowledge that no one will come and interrupt us catches up with our adolescent thoughts and Remus has me pinned down to the bed while his mouth explores my neck. His hand plucks mournfully at the collar of my t-shirt and he sends me a withering glance as if to say ‘How dare you provide me with so little access.’ Frustrated with the lack of progress that the downward direction has produced, Remus’ lips edge their way back up to mine, nibble by nibble. And it isn’t until I receive a beautiful, thought paralyzing kiss, that I realize I just can’t focus. 

Maybe making out and otherwise wasn’t the best idea for our first few hours in the house, I think. Part of me keeps trying to puzzle out the idea that Mum won’t come bursting into the room lecturing me on how men are useless and I should stand on my own. An interesting sentiment coming from a woman who happily pronounced herself hopelessly in love. She wasn’t bitter, just revolutionary and slightly disappointed in herself for not living up to her own standards. But how could she possibly turn away from Dad?

Remus sighs and pulls away, looking ruffled and heated and ever so slightly annoyed.

“Where are you?” he asks me, brushing the hair away from my face to look at me carefully.

“Here,” I tell him.

He very carefully removes his body from the comfortingly crushing position it had over mine. “No, you’re not,” he says and then continues, less chastising. “Not that I require you to be present at this moment. But it’s a very strange experience kissing a girl who’s somewhere else.”

“I keep expecting them to be here,” I say honestly. “Mum and Dad.”

Remus lays against my side, his nose brushing my cheek. “I think we would be in some trouble if they were, we left the door to your room open.”

I smile and Remus sets a kiss against my cheek. “Dad would just blush and rush off in the other direction,” I tell Remus. “But you’d have to worry about my Mum.”

“Would she hex me?”

“She’d lecture you,” I say and Remus laughs. “On the importance of women in the wizarding society and our need to be independent and self-serving.”

“I would just explain to her that I know how important you are, have absolutely no plans of standing in your way and would be happy to serve you anytime you asked,” Remus tells me with a cheesy smile.

“She was a Gryffindor,” I tell him. “I don’t think she ever figured out that I wasn’t all that interested in paving a path for women in the wizarding world.”

“What are you interested in doing after Hogwarts?”

I shrug, “I hadn’t decided. I’ve been thinking about not jumping into a profession immediately. Except I don’t know what I would do instead.”

“I have to find a job,” Remus says, sounding fairly disgruntled at the thought. “I’ll have to move out of my parents house and pay rent in an apartment.”

You could move in with me. I open my mouth to say so before snapping it back shut. A very good idea, but maybe something I should wait before offering. It would be a big step, beyond big. 

“Are you going to stay here?” Remus asks quietly and I nod. “Then maybe I’ll look for a job around Godric’s Hollow. Would you mind?”

I look at him in surprise. 

“I mean, if I ended up in a flat nearby,” Remus mumbles, looking uncertain.

“I’d love it,” I tell him honestly. “But don’t pick Godric’s Hollow just for me. There’s always Floo and Apparation.”

Remus smiles and shrugs, “I like the idea of being closer.”

How can I complain to that? I pull Remus’ face down to mine for a long kiss. And this time, I most certainly can focus.

***

“Heads up!” Remus shouts.

I duck and look up to see a bag of grapefruits soar over me and into the grocery cart in front of me. It’s the third time he’s warned me about advancing produce and I am finally getting the hang of it. Not that projectile fruit is something I look forward to experiencing while grocery shopping in Godric’s Hollow.

I turn around to shoot Remus a skeptically raised eyebrow but he only rolls his eyes.

“I taught you to do that,” he mentions.

“Be that as it may,” I say, trying to hide my smile, “Is it really necessary that you catapult our entire grocery list in my direction?”

“No,” Remus replies with an impish grin. “It’s is fun though. Although I do still feel bad about the incident with the apple.” He leans down and sets a gentle kiss on the top of my head, roughly where he hit me with a Granny Smith.

“You should,” I tell him before spotting two familiar bodies over his shoulder.

An older couple, roughly around my parents age, with light blonde hair and baby blue eyes strolls down the isle in our direction. Anna’s parents, the Wilkins‘. My mouth drops open.

In all, one hundred percent honesty, I had forgotten about them. And I wince as soon as I realize that. I forgot that the last I had heard of them was that they were unconscious in St. Mungo’s during their daughter’s funeral. I hadn’t even thought to wonder where they were at my parents. For all I know, they might have been there. 

“Calliope?” Remus asks gently.

“I’ll be right back,” I answer, slipping around his side.

The Wilkins’ look up as I head their way and for a moment it looks as if they don’t recognize me. And then Sarah Wilkins’ eyes widen and she snatches at her husbands arm before rushing forward and pulling me into a bone crushing hug.

“Oh Calliope!” She cries. “We wanted so badly to be there for you when we heard but St. Mungo’s wouldn’t release us in time! How are you?” She asks pulling away and snatching my face in her hands as if to read the answer off of my expression. “You aren’t staying alone are you? You must come stay with us! Esther would kill me if she knew that I hadn’t seen you all year.”

“Sarah, let the girl breathe,” Anthony reached out to soothe his wife and sent me a friendly smile. I couldn’t help but note that the corners of his mouth didn’t reach as far out as they had a year ago.

“I’m not staying alone,” I assure Sarah quickly. I look back over my shoulder to see Remus hovering uncertainly a few feet behind us. “Remus Lupin, my boyfriend is staying with me.”

“Oh!” Sarah gasps and looks over my shoulder, instantly releasing me and running over and taking Remus into a tight hug. “You don’t know how happy I am that she’s not alone!” She tells him.

Remus smiles and nods, looking slightly overwhelmed.

“Remus, these are Anna’s parents,” I explain, “Sarah and Anthony.”

“How are you, Calliope?” Anthony asks me gently.

I try and smile genuinely and find it comes easier than expected, “I’m alright. A lot better. And you?”

Sarah and Anthony share a sad glance. “We’ll be fine, Calliope,” Sarah assures me.

“Come have dinner with us,” I say out of nowhere. “Please,” I add, glancing at Remus to make sure he doesn’t think I’m crazy. “We’re on holiday for the rest of the week, just name a day.”

“This Saturday would be lovely,” Sarah suggests.

“It’ll give you both plenty of time to change your minds too,” Anthony jokes.

“Remus, you ought to invite your parents as well,” Sarah declares gaily.

“I should,” Remus agrees, “They’ve been wanting to meet Calliope for awhile now.”

They have?! This is rapidly becoming something slightly intimidating.

“Stop suggesting things Sarah,” Anthony laughs. “Calliope’s turning green.”

Sarah reaches out and pulls me into another tight, loving hug. I haven’t been hugged like this since I saw my mother, I realize. Tiny little pricks of tears appear at my eyes.

“You meant so much to Anna,” Sarah whispers in my ear. “She would be so glad to see you happy now.” She pulls away and pets down my hair, smiling and looking teary. “We should get going,” She says finally, looking up and smiling at Remus. “It was wonderful to meet you.” She gives Remus another hug which he seems more prepared for this time before Anthony shakes his hand and hugs me goodbye, leading his wife towards the front of the store.

I bite my lip and turn to Remus, “You don’t mind about the dinner?”

He smiles and shakes his head, wrapping an arm around me. “You don’t mind if I invite my parents?”

“Definitely not,” I answer. I don’t mind, the thought just makes me nervous. “I’d like to meet them.”

We finish our shopping and leave the store out the back with our bags of groceries.

“Are you going to visit James and Lily?” I ask outside.

“I thought I might,” Remus shrugs. “Do you want help apparating the groceries back?”

“I’ll manage fine,” I assure him.

“I’ll see you soon,” Remus tells me and leans down for a quick peck before twisting into thin air.

I take the bags firmly in hand and apparate back home in a pop. The groceries fly about the kitchen to their appropriate resting places with a flick of my wand and I stand alone in the house. For the first time since… ever. I spent time alone in the house plenty of times growing up but I never felt completely alone knowing that someone would always be home soon.

Remus will be back soon, I remind myself. I consider just going to visit James and Lily with Remus instead of staying here alone. But it’s something I have to get used to. That this is my house now. And that Remus, and crowds of my friends, won’t always be here to keep me company. I wander out of the kitchen, my steps dragging.

I can’t really make this house feel completely mine. It doesn’t make sense without the additions of my parents. But nothing else could ever feel more like home than this house. I could never leave, would never want to. And if my parents had grown old and I had become an adult and needed to find my own house, I would have wanted it to be just like the one I live in now. So what is it that feels so off still?

It feels like they’re still here. There’s still a residue of my parents, and I can’t decide whether or not it’s comforting or morose. I never scattered their ashes. The urn is just sitting over the mantle in the green room that we never really liked and consequently never spent any time in. And all their possessions, or at least the ones I could keep safe from my Aunt and cousins, are still scattered around the house and in their bedroom. Resolving to do something about my mood, I head for the stairs, determined to clean away the fog in the house.

I open the door on the first landing and the familiar waft of vanilla, car grease and glue floods over me, knocking the breath out of me. It’s in their clothes, sheets, books, and most of all the pile of dirty laundry in the basket. The smell is reaching out and enveloping me, hugging and smothering. I step into the room and look around. It just needs to be cleaned out. I can’t keep it all, I don’t need any of it. 

Except maybe the books. I always liked their books.

And my mother’s dresses. We’re the same size now.

And the art on the walls suit’s the room, and all the furniture. Even if it is saturated with their smell. 

I start to move things around, flip through photo albums, touch the knickknacks on the shelves. But as things are set out of place I only feel the need to put them back where they ought to be, in case my parents might object. And I can’t imagine just giving anything away. They were my _parent’s_ things. No one else was ever quite as tall and thin as my dad. He was the length of a late afternoon shadow. And no one had feet as small as my mum. Anyways, no one would ever really appreciate her taste in shoes. Moccasins weren’t as widely adored as she had presumed they would be. 

I sit down on the bed and look around the room hopelessly. Drawers are opened, albums are cast aside and still I haven’t found one thing I would be willing to part with. I stare at the clock on the wall with the three hands. The smallest gold hand with my name engraved is pointing to the word “Home.” The two, larger hands have rusted and are drooping in the frame. I fall backwards and pull my mother’s pillow to my face, breathing in the vanilla and the strong human scent beneath it.

I lay there for hours, tears leaking out of my eyes as I stare at one possession at a time, weighing it’s value in my head. The room gets darker as the day ages and I pick away at the stitches in the quilt underneath me. I hear the door open and hope that Remus didn’t bring anyone back with him. I can hear him call my name from the first floor but never open my mouth to reply. I can hear his feet bounce happily up the stairs towards the landing.

“Caaaaalliiiiope!” He calls in the soft, teasing voice that I know means he wants to kiss me. He passes the door and I blink and sigh. His steps pause on the stairs before moving back in my direction. He stops in the doorway and I open my eyes to see him watching me, curled up into a fetal ball on my parents bed, with concern. He walks in slowly and sits down at my side on the bed running a hand over my side. 

I clear my throat and try to explain, “I was trying to clean.”

Remus only nods, still gently rubbing my back.

“I still have to scatter their ashes,” I tell him.

“Maybe not today,” he suggests gently.

I nod my head and sit up, letting Remus pull me into his arms. “Not today,” I agree.

***

It’s time. I can’t keep stalling. And I’m not alone this time. 

Remus follows me hesitantly into the green room the next evening.

“Are you sure you’re ready?” He asks. 

“I’m pretty sure that they don’t want to spend much more time in this room,” I offer as an answer. “We never really liked it much.” I walk over to the mantle and lift the large black urn. It’s lighter than I expect. 

“You don’t have to come,” I tell Remus as he follows me outside, still trailing behind.

“I want to be there for you, Calliope,” he tells me.

I walk to the edge of the cliff, my toes just inches away from the drop. Remus stands behind me, his hands set protectively at my shoulder and waist. I can’t tell if he’s holding me out of comfort or fear that I might fall over. 

“Should I say anything?” I ask him. 

“Only if you want to.”

I don’t want to. And I doubt my parents would expect me to. I said what needed to be said at the funeral anyways. I unlatch the lid of the urn and step to the edge. I hear Remus suck in a breath and take a tighter grip on my waist. I tilt the urn on it’s side and watch as dusty fragments catch on the breeze and float out. It’s hard to associate the ashes with my parents. They certainly don’t look or smell like my parents. I promise not to forget you, I think.

I lean forward and Remus’ hand wraps itself around my front, gripping tightly.

“My parents cast a barrier charm on the cliff edge when I was little, Remus,” I assure him carelessly.

Remus’ other hand joins his first before he replies breathlessly, “Some charms die with their casters, Calliope,”

The mention of this clicks the fact into my place in my mind. My balance fails as if the thought of my parents charm was keeping it in tact and I tilt too far forward just as I take a frightened step back. Remus’ arms wrap fiercely around my waist as the urn falls from my hands and the ashes fly out and soar into the sky, making cloud shapes and figures. 

“No!” I cry, reaching out too late and watching the ashes float down as the urn crashes into the water below. 

“I’m sorry,” Remus mumbles, pulling me back away from the edge, “I’m sorry.”

Breezes coming up from the valley pick up the dirty grey ash clouds and float them farther away in a playful manner. I relax against Remus who keeps a tight hold on me.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs again.

I shake my head and set my arms over his. “It’s fine. I’d forgotten that the barrier would be gone.”

“I can climb down for the urn,” Remus offers.

“No,” I sigh deeply watching as the ash clouds dissipate and fade, “This is fine.” I sit down onto the ground and Remus joins me, sitting behind me and tucking me against him. 

“I don’t know how to feel,” I tell him. He sets his cheek against mine to let me know that he’s listening. “I lost Anna and my parents, and they were all I had. It wasn’t even natural, they were just taken from me. And then I found you, well not found, but you know. And part of me has never felt happier, because you’re exactly what I want.” Remus kisses my cheek gently. “But I can’t forget about what I’ve lost and how much it hurts not to have them with me. You’ve completed me, but it’s as if there’s still something missing. I don’t know how to explain it.”

“You can have both at the same time,” Remus tells me.

“Two conflicting emotions at the same time?” I ask with a smirk. 

“I can’t replace Anna and your parents, Calliope, nothing can. I just have to be something else for you. Not any more or less, just something new.”

“Can you make it hurt less?” I whisper. Maybe that isn’t a fair question to ask.

“I promise I’ll try,” he tells me, holding me tightly. “I’m promise I’ll do everything I can.”

 

_AN: One more chapter! Awww._


	24. A Movie Script Ending

  


Chapter Twenty-four

A Movie Script Ending

“I give you the Graduated Class of 1977!!”

A cloud of black pointed hats with wide brims wobble uncertainly into the air before spiraling back down neglected in a rainbow sea of gold, green, scarlet and blue dress robes. Melody stands on her chair and scans the crowd for us.

“Over there!” She shouts. “They’re over there!”

I push and shove through the crowd of my classmates who are all swarming, grabbing each other in hugs and congratulatory squeals in the general direction of the Gryffindors and my boyfriend, Remus Lupin. 

In the end, which would be now I suppose, time had passed faster than I might have expected. N.E.W.T.s were dealt with as was appropriate. Some homework was neglected in favor or spending time together for our last few months. I had decided to take the less stressful avenue and not desperately search for a job in the hopes that it might come to me later on. I wasn’t concerned. I had other things to worry about. 

Remus leaps out at me from the side and pulls me into a tight hug and a long, shameless kiss.

“Have you told them?” I ask him breathlessly upon release.

“I haven’t even seen them!” he laughs. “I was waiting for you. Took you long enough.”

“It’s harder than it looks shoving my way through this lot,” I tell him.

“As long as there’s no lasting damage, I’m not worried,” Remus jokes, shouting over the celebrations around us. 

The situation could not be avoided. It was obvious to us both that even if Remus did choose to get his own apartment, he would be spending too much time at the house with me to make the rent worth paying. He would simply have to move in. We weren’t the only ones with the idea. Lily and James had sold the Potter mansion in favor of a new cottage on the outskirts of Godrics Hollow. Maybe we were too young, maybe not. It didn’t matter to us anymore. There was a war taking place outside of Hogwarts as we had heard it. We just wanted to be with the people we loved. 

“The Wilkins’ are here too,” I shout to Remus. “I need to thank them for coming.”

“You want me to tell my parents first don’t you?” Remus asks with a smirk.

It wasn’t that they didn’t like me. I think they just didn’t understand how easy it was for Remus and I to love each other. They seemed slightly estranged from their son. Remus explained that the lycanthropy had taken a toll on their relationship in it’s earlier years. They had never seen how happy Remus could be at school and with his friends, only how miserable he was without them. 

“They ought to hear it from you,” I say.

Remus shrugs, “I don’t think they’ll care either way.”

I squeeze his hand and together we push our way out of the cloud of students who are now filtering into the crowd of awaiting friends and family. I spot the Wilkins’ standing with Professor Austrin, my Astronomy Professor.

“Congratulations ‘Liope!” Sarah screams happily into my ear after engulfing me into a strong hug. Anthony smiles at me over his wife’s shoulder.

“Congratulations Calliope,” Anthony tells me wholeheartedly. “I’ve just been talking about you with your Professor.”

“She’s my prized pupil,” Austrin says proudly, setting a friendly hand on my shoulder. “She hasn’t missed a star on her charts since her third year.”

Coming from Austrin, who has never really expressed any affection to any student, this means the world.

“Lawrence Carmichael is about to retire at the Daily Prophet, Calliope,” Anthony tells me with a grin. “He was the editor in charge of the Astronomy page. They’re looking for some fresh blood. I thought I might recommend you.”

My mouth drops open and my eyes widen in surprise and delight at Anthony who laughs. 

“I take it you’re interested? You’d be able to work from home,” he explains.

“I’d love it!”

“It’s a lot of night work, love,” Sarah says in disapproval. “You’re sleeping patterns would be ruined.”

“She’ll be fine Sarah, she’s young yet.”

“I’d love it,” I repeat ecstatically. 

Anthony laughs and reaches out to hug me, “You’d be perfect for it.” He whispers into my ear, “We’re very proud of you. You’re parents would be overwhelmed.”

I smile warmly, “Thank you.”

Out of the corner of my eye I can see Remus waving urgently to me. Sarah spots him as well and laughs.

“Looks as if you’re needed, darling.” 

“I’ll get in touch with you soon, Calliope,” Anthony assures me.

I grin and then rush, ducking and dodging my way through the crowds. I see James shaking hands with a tall man with red hair who’s arm is wrapped around Lily Evans protectively. 

“Hello Mr. and Mrs. Lupin,” I say shyly upon arrival. 

Remus’ father is tall and slightly grave looking with dark hair and thin blue eyes. His mother is smaller with pale hair and gentle brown eyes. They smile at me the same way they did upon meeting me, as if they don’t quite understand me. 

“Congratulations, Calliope,” Mrs. Lupin tells me. 

“How are Sarah and Anthony?” Remus asks.

“They seem good. Anthony is recommending me to the Daily Prophet for the Astronomy column.” Editor of the Astronomy column. Maybe. Awesome!

“That’s fantastic!” Remus tells me warmly, pulling me to his side.

“The two of you will need a good income like that, living on your own,” Mr. Lupin mentions with a sage nod. “Remus might have a hard time keeping a job.”

They’re always dropping hints about how hard life will be for Remus with his lycanthropy. All they need is a little optimism.

“I’ll manage,” Remus says simply without defense or offense.

“Remus says that you’ll be moving in together,” Mrs. Lupin says quietly, looking slightly awed.

I smile as Remus squeezes me again. “It seemed like the most convenient arrangement,” I say, trying to sound sensible. His parents smile humouredly at us.

In a surprising turn of generosity Mr. Lupin tells us, “You’ll be happier at least. That’s important these days.”

***

“Calliope! Move those bloody feet!” Sirius shouts at me through the crowded corridor of the Hogwarts Express. Our last ride of the year. Our last ride ever, I realize. I squeeze through a huddle of sobbing Ravenclaw girls sharing their goodbyes and into our designated compartment at the front of the train.

“Remus, tell Sirius not to talk to me that way,” I whine jokingly.

“He was the one who told me what to shout,” Sirius says with a wicked grin and Remus shrugs, playing along. I don’t bother pretending to be offended, simply roll my eyes and fall into Remus’ lap.

It’s over. After seven years of more studying than I should have taken part in, more frustration than I should have indulged in, more happiness than I realized I was experiencing at the time, it’s over. Hogwarts and adolescence are officially over. I wonder if this means that it’s time for me to start blooming. I am no longer a Hufflepuff, I’m just a girl, a woman if you will. I look to James and Sirius and even Remus and realize that I could never convince them that they are no longer Gryffindors, just young men. But I guess that’s the thing about Gryffindors, there will always be a piece of them that’s still the Hogwarts student. 

“I can’t believe it’s over,” Lily sighs, setting her head on James’ shoulder.

“About freaking time,” Melody snorts and I laugh. The others look only vaguely insulted. 

“Don’t tell me you won’t miss it, Cal,” Sirius says.

“What’s to miss?” I ask honestly.

“The food, your friends, your dormitory bed, the scenery, everything!” James lists.

“I can cook. I like my bed at home, it’s much softer. I have nice scenery around my house. And I’ll still see all of you now that we’ve graduated, at least I should hope so,” I reply.

“It’s not the same,” Hestia whines morosely.

I look around at my company and shrug, knowing that I will never win this argument. Melody and I catch each other’s eyes and smile. Hufflepuffs know. And yet, as much as I want to deny it, there’s a little part of me that feels slightly weepy and whiney as we trek through the hills of Scotland in the brilliantly red train for the last time. I don’t know what exactly I ache for now, perhaps just the end of the era. Of childhood. Of innocence. Everything’s going to change.

Remus sets a casual kiss at my cheek as he listens to his friends retell their favorite Hogwarts memories. Well…not everything will change. I relax into Remus and the edge of sorrow lessens as it always does when I’m with him. Anyways it’s not as if enough hasn’t already changed in my life. 

“I love you,” Remus whispers in my ear, without looking away from his friends.

A year ago I had known that my last year at Hogwarts would be exactly the same as all the other years. Or so I had expected. I’ve never been very good with Divination. Still, in some ways, things are still the same. I lost my best friend, I lost my parents, I lost solitude and loneliness. I met the boy who will hopefully prove to be the love of my life. I gave away my two biggest secrets, loving Remus and having lupus. But in the end, very little has changed, because I am Calliope DeSole, and I am still a simple person.

 

 

_AN: There you have it. I know it's sort of a short ending. There's actually an epilogue and sequel I've started But I don't think I'm going to post them yet because it's taking me a really long time to write and the waits can be a pain for readers. Thanks for reading and all your wonderful reviews!_


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